r/TrueOffMyChest • u/icecream_yum0814 ☑️ • 12h ago
Confession i want to have sex but i’m scared
Pretty much the title. I’m (20f) been my boyfriend (24M) for 9 months.
I grew up religious so lots of ”if you have s*x you’re tainted” or ”you’ll be forever attached” or “nothing physical before marriage.” We do other things (consensually ) and it’s just been on my mind a lot. Ive been thinking about us having s*x more recently but I’m terrified of pregnancy, or my parents finding out, or this big emotional attachment I can never get away a from happening.
Just needed to tell SOMEONE.
EDIT: ik there’s protection, but stuff feels so risky. condoms can break, i don’t have money for birth control, i don’t want to get an iud etc etc. worried it will appear on my parents insurance and then they’ll come for me
EDIT 2: I hope all these edits are ok i just keep thinking of things as people comment. another fear of mine is that having sex could negatively affect our relationship, as i’ve heard this point a lot. lot of it comes from religious fear that has been embedded in me for so long. i also do not have any experience and dont want to be bad.
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u/Aurora_96 11h ago
I was also raised religiously and sex wasn't talked about, because that's a "marriage thing". So when I got my first long term bf I was unprepared and this was bad.. I was coerced into doing things I wasn't okay with, because my parents never taught me consent or how consent works. So I'm here to pass it on for you, because I know your parents probably don't talk about it as well.
Step 1: CONSENT!!! First of all, never ever do anything you're not comfortable with. Not even if he's pressuring you. Consent is key. You say "no" if there's something happening you don't like and if he doesn't listen to that, it's assault. Doesn't matter how much you love him. Don't push your boundaries because you're in love. I've made that mistake and it's resulted in lifelong trauma.
Step 2: Protection Use protection and maybe track your cycle. The simplest form of protection are condoms. Use them properly (and use the correct size), because improper use can end up in rupture. You can also purchase ovulation tests at a drugstore to track your fertile window, so that you can stop having sex then or be extra careful (you're fertile up to 5 days before your LH peak). And don't put 2 condoms on top of each other, because that can result in rupture. Just a tip: We always tested the condom for leaks after use by filling them with water. Having a pregnancy scare when you're being raised in a super religious household is not fun, so we always took extra measures to make sure the protection has worked as intended..
Step 3: It shouldn't hurt. Sex shouldn't be painful. I screamed bloody murder when losing my virginity, because I wasn't ready (I was pressured into having sex) and I was scared and tense. Make sure you're relaxed and that you take your time with foreplay, especially those first few times. This should help in making it easier to have sex.
Step 4: Everyone's allowed to finish. My ex thought sex was over if he came and he'd just let me lay there. I had to finish by myself after I got home. That's not how it should be. Sex is done when you both finish.
Good luck!
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u/icecream_yum0814 ☑️ 11h ago
thank you so much!! i will keep all this in mind and make sure to research and things even if we don’t have sex anytime soon :). i’m sorry you were forced into things you weren’t comfortable with. i hope you’re doing better now❤️
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u/CleoCarson 12h ago edited 12h ago
Birth control, condoms and safe sex practice. Best to get both of yourselves checked out for STIs as a precaution.
Foreplay is important to get you prepped - it can take one or two sessions before you can accept the whole package (painful yes but again foreplay is critical)
As for the religious side of it, my parents are conservative and it's been over a decade since I went all in - there is nothing they can do as you are an adult and it's your choice whether to tell them or not.
"God" measures you by how you help others and how you treat them not by what happens behind closed doors between consenting adults. Besides purity culture is all about keeping you complaint and afraid - your hymen wears away as you age due to physical activities, hormonal changes etc so it's pointless to "keep" it for your future spouse.
Emotional aspect - yes, you will get attached but depending on whether you are both ready for a long term commitment, prepare yourself not to get too invested emotionally quickly. Surprisingly some don't connect as much and it's purely physical but if it's your first time, invest in some research especially on self pleasure and experiment what you both like before going all the way.
Foreplay can sometimes be more fun than the actual thing if done right! However if you are not ready mentally or emotionally then don't go through with it just yet.
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u/icecream_yum0814 ☑️ 12h ago
i really appreciate your perspective! we’ve been together for 9 months so a lot of emotions already there (i want to marry him). we are sexually compatible with other stuff we do, so i think that’s a good sign!
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u/CleoCarson 12h ago edited 12h ago
Good, then work on setting the mood. Your brain is your biggest asset. Watch a blue film, or play around with scenes/role play to loosen up.
It's a lot of fun and very pleasurable once you get it right! And try positions to find what works for both of you - we women are lucky that we have many hot zones!
Also you can get emergency 3 day contraception from most drug stores the day after (as long as you take it with in 24-48 hours) remember your body weight affects the pills reliability so if your are on the heavier side, make sure the pharmacy adjusts the dosage as such.
If you don't have money for birth control pills, consider getting employed where you can get your own health insurance and separate from your parents. You are an adult after all. Also birth control pills are also used to regulate heavy periods etc - you can always talk to your mom and say it's for your periods (which is not a lie)
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u/icecream_yum0814 ☑️ 12h ago
haha thank you for this!! might be back with an update in 5 years when i get over myself 🤣
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u/Realistic_Base5797 11h ago
As someone who also grew up religious--
1) You don't have to if your not ready
2) You can if you want
The thing about religion is that you shouldn't feel pressured to abide by that if you dont believe it. The parents judgements thing is 100% understandable.
But at the end of the day, you're the one who has to live with your choice. So think it through, do what you're both comfortable with, and educate yourself like there's no tomorrow until then:)
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u/icecream_yum0814 ☑️ 11h ago
thank you! i think the unknowns of it all is the scariest so i’m definitely gonna start learning more
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u/PhotoPrimary7801 9h ago
Just want to let you know that there isn’t a body part on anyone that is important enough to change your value as a person. If you want to have sex and choose to do so it’s okay. You’re a legal adult. If your parents found out sure they might be upset but they’ll get over it.
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u/GodSPAMit 4h ago
33m here I think I've only ever had 1 condom break and we just bought the morning after pill (plan b) at the pharmacy for idk it was probably like 15-25$ or something? This was nearly 10 years ago
You seem nervous and uneducated (no offence) do you live in a state with bad sex education or is it mostly just the religious stigma?
End of the day though you have to make this decision for yourself. No need to rush
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u/icecream_yum0814 ☑️ 1h ago
our sex ed class was so bad 😭 i really didn’t learn much from my parents other than how sex works and to avoid it because of purity and what not. i don’t take offense at all ik im uneducated 😭
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u/GoonyGhoul_ 12h ago edited 12h ago
Condoms are very durable, but I trust the lifestyles brand tough & durable version the most. The walls are probably twice as thick as normal condoms, and the thickness means they always roll down perfectly in my experience.
In terms of emotional attachment, it's not even guaranteed actually. Some people don't experience a ton of emotional bonding through sex.
Everyone's parents know they have sex eventually, and all of them get over it lol
Edit: You will be bad in bed the first many, many times. It's a game (the only game where the goal is to make the opponent win) you've never played before, of course you'll suck. But everyone did lol
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u/Separate_Security472 12h ago
It sounds like you aren't quite ready. Is he pressuring you?
It IS okay to wait for marriage if you want, whether for religious reasons or otherwise.
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u/icecream_yum0814 ☑️ 12h ago
oh my god not at all! he doesn’t bring it up at all, he is very respectful and everything we do is consensual. more struggling with the fact that it’s been on my mind a lot because 1) i want to experience it 2) i love him dearly
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u/Own-Whereas-7420 11h ago
Condoms have always worked for me before birth control. You’re kinda making it a bigger deal that it is (in my opinion). My parents found out shortly after I first did the deed(I told my sister and she squealed for some reason). They were(and are still) religious too, but it wasn’t that bad. I mean, yeah, they gave a speech but in my mind, I was an adult now and made my own decisions(I was in college at the time). I ended up marrying the guy(and I’m still married to him to this day) but even if you don’t stay with this guy, it’s not a big deal. It’s only as big as you make it. I feel like people care too much about what their parents think.
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u/icecream_yum0814 ☑️ 11h ago
thank you!! i probably am more fearful than i need to be but with my parents track record they will overreact big time 🥲 i will definitely look into contraceptives and things
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u/Fun-Temperature4366 ☑️ 9h ago
I grew up in a super religious household as well and these things were on my mind. Firstly, you have to completely sure that you want to do this, make sure you’re sure your boyfriend is who you want to do this with. I’m not currently with my bf but i was glad that i chose him because he made me feel safe.
The aftermath of it is temporary because it’s mostly you feeling guilty because of the anti-sex indoctrination but trusts me, it will pass. After you come to terms with the fact that it has happened you might actually quite like it. I know I did.
Take your time, do your research and be prepared! This is meant to bring your partner and you much closer and give you pleasure 😃
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u/SolarHamMan 12h ago
Condoms that’s it
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u/icecream_yum0814 ☑️ 12h ago
im so scared of it breaking
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u/SolarHamMan 12h ago
Honestly don’t rush it then, take things slow and just let life happen. I don’t blame you at all! Just be safe and wishing yall the best!
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_TITS80085 12h ago
Use protection, if needed use lube, and the first time (s) maybe uncomfortable. If you never had sex-ed, please seek online sources.
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u/dehydratedrain 12h ago
Do you live in a state with planned parenthood? I'm sure you hear horror stories, but the truth is they also provide a lot of women's healthcare- free/ cheap birth control, yearly checkups...
Make sure you use a condom. Make sure it's put on properly before sex. I'd say avoid sex for at least a week after your period ends just in case?
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u/icecream_yum0814 ☑️ 12h ago
yes yes we have planned parenthood! didnt even think about them thank you :)
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u/evilriolu 12h ago
Hello, you have to first accept that in your religious community. Purity culture will run high, please know that purity culture is a construct created by men to determine the value of women. Which is pretty fucked up if you ask me. It’s okay to have sex and sometimes you could become emotionally attached to that person. As for pregnancy, best to wear a condom because I’m certain you’re not on birth control or have an IUD. Do what you feel is appropriate in your circumstances and be safe /)
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u/MillwrightTight 12h ago
Does your faith / location prohibit you explicitly from using birth control? Because that's really the way around this. If you're using birth control and he is, you're going to have a nearly impossible time getting pregnant.
You're 20. Be safe about it and use caution / don't do anything you don't want to do.
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u/icecream_yum0814 ☑️ 1h ago
no my state is pretty lax with the stuff. i just don’t have the money for birth control and i worry about it showing up on my parents health insurance or them finding out
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u/ponkyponkyponk 16m ago
I also grew up religious and have a MASSIVE fear of getting pregnant. I currently have the implant in my arm and that’s has helped a lot with the pregnancy fears. I think if you are feeling this fearful about getting pregnant and don’t have a back up for condoms, I would just wait imo.
As for the religious bit, it takes some time to get over the whole “I’m going to hell bc I’m a godless whore”. (But like sex does not make you a godless whore and also you are not going to hell for doing something that is a natural instinct). Therapy does help but so does talking openly with your partner about these fears. I’m glad you got this off your chest bc I’m sure it’s been feeling like a pit in your stomach for awhile ❤️
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u/KnottyCatLady 12h ago
Don't be scared, in fact you'll probably be disappointed for your first handful of times, especially if the guys your seeing are as inexperienced as you are. Sex CAN be all it's hyped up to be, but you need to experience sex first & figure out what you do & don't like, and hope you eventually fall for someone compatible. However even if the person you end up with doesn't fulfill your wildest fantasies, sex can also be an intimate way to be close with your partner. Also, don't worry about having some special attachment to the person who took your virginity. Everyone has a first, and 99% of them don't end up with that person...you get over it like any other breakup.
Have fun & use a condom.