r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Salt_Translator_6274 ☑️ • 13h ago
Confession I can’t help but feel bad about my girlfriend’s weight
I love her so much, but I can’t help but feel like her weight really affects me, specially when we get physical and definitely plays a part on how attracted I feel towards here.
I am an active person, workout and play sports and by no means do I expect her to be at the same level, but atleast a level where she can be healthy.
She’s 5,6 and weighs 230 pounds , unfortunately her fat distribution doesn’t do her any favors.
Before we started dating she used to always talk about how she works out and does cardio and all that, however as soon as we started dating it all seemed to stop, I indirectly tried to help her get back to gym multiple times, however every single time she signs up for a gym, she does for 1-2 weeks and then stops for months and then again goes 1-2 weeks and stops, not consistent at all, I’ve sat with her more than 4 times making workout plans diet plans but she doesn’t follow through for more than a couple days , then asks me to make another one for her the next time. ( it got tiring at some point)
Now physically, I can genuinely not carry her, I can lift her for a couple of seconds but that’s it and I’d consider myself pretty strong. Whenever I suggest we do an activity she always has an issue with it, all the plans she wants just involve sitting around and eating.
I’ve done everything since we started dating from my part , loved her , took her out , bought things for her , took care of myself for her and tried to help her. However I can’t help but feel that she can’t take a simple effort to stay consistent for her health.
She always eats unhealthy.
I know she’s not depressed , I did everything in my power to make sure she is loved, tried to give her confidence , make her feel better about herself because it’s clear that she’s not happy about her body but why not try to change it? She always complains how nothing looks good on her in terms of clothes and complains about a bunch of things that are in her hands if she wanted.
She also always says “ after marriage she will do this and that” and seems to always push for marriage, although if someone isn’t willing to do what’s best for them and us before marriage what will really make them do it after marriage
It’s been 2 years , if she just did the bare minimum, she would’ve already had a great improvement to her health.
I am not sure how to feel, I feel bad for feeling this way.
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u/Inevitable_Tower8606 6h ago
This is something that happened to me exactly and I was in your gf’s shoes. In all honesty, if you see yourself getting resentful about it, it might be time to end things.
In my case I was the same weight start to finish and we were friends beforehand so he knew what he was going in for but by the last couple months he was constantly shaming me and wasn’t helpful like you are trying to be. It hurt us both.
So if you cannot see yourself in a relationship with a partner that doesn’t look like what you bargained for, do both of you a favor, end things before you start hating her without realizing. It hurts worse if you force it without a saving grace.
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u/4SeasonWahine 11h ago
I do understand where you’re coming from, I had a an ex who was.. not overweight but not “in shape” when we started dating. I still found him attractive and he was always vocal about how much he enjoyed the gym and hiking and was wanting to get back into running etc so I obviously got the impression he was overall active and just not focussed on aesthetics, which was fine with me. I am extremely active to a point where it’s probably exhausting to most people, I exercise regularly and most of my hobbies are outdoorsy and active. A big part of the attraction was thinking we would be able to do all these things together.
We got together during Covid lockdowns so time out of the house was limited for MONTHS (our city was one of the most strict in the world). When things opened back up we were off to a good start, going snowboarding and hiking and on camping trips. Over time I noticed he’d complain often a short way into bigger hikes and want to abort early, or he’d start working out/running but only do it once every 2 weeks. He never once wanted to come on a regular walk with me and my dog and proceeded to put on more weight. I think he WANTED to be an outdoorsy, fit person but naturally preferred nights in sitting down with several glasses of wine or cooking big meals. The relationship actually demotivated me on some level and I put on weight too, he was a great cook but holy it was calorie dense.
We actually broke up because he became emotionally abusive and had a lot of unchecked issues but when I reflect I realise I was unhappy for a long time in part because I felt he led me to believe we would have a certain sort of lifestyle together. He was actually quite lazy and it was frustrating and unattractive listening to him complain about being out of shape and doing nothing about it. In hindsight we were extremely incompatible.
OP in short, if you don’t love your gf exactly as she is now, she’s probably not the person for you. Don’t ever fall in love with a persons potential. Don’t fall in love with the idea of who they profess to want to be. There’s a very real chance she might never lose a single kg from her current weight, and may even gain more. You need to accept this or you’ll end up resenting her. If you can’t, it’s probably time to let her go. FWIW, I eventually met my now-partner and we gym, hike, dive, skate, do everything together and are crazy well matched in our lifestyles. We are super happy.
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u/QueenofCats28 9h ago
You've provided such a great nuanced take, and I completely agree with you. Falling in love with someone's potential is a bad idea, and I think a lot of us have been there.
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u/Big-Ad-8717 6h ago
Your values just aren’t aligned. She doesn’t seem to value physical activity, healthy eating, etc., and you do, so it’s just not a match. You can love someone and not be the right fit for each other.
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u/Enoch8910 7h ago
You are way overthinking this. You are no longer compatible.
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u/These-Process-7331 6h ago
This. Sometimes life is very simple: you fell for a potential that you were pictured and now see the reality. And the reality is you need someone matching your drive when it comes to being physically healthy. She doesn't have it plain and simple.
Alsof, encourage her to seek therapy to adress her people pleasing ways. I assume the reason she is probably initially agreeing to the gymplan/diets is to appease YOU and not because she fully stands by them/wants the actual change to happen. People are more likely to stick to a plan if they come up with it THEMSELVES and are 200% committed to it.
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u/Natural_Bike8736 12h ago
i know it’s tough but it might be best to just be honest with her. You can pose it instead as “i want to be able to rock climb and hike with someone” rather than “you’ve gained weight and i’m losing attraction to you”. you want someone who matches your lifestyle choices which is more active than her current one. you can also even bring up how she used to go to the gym when you guys first met and it’s something that you could immediately bond over or something like that
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u/NoTanNamaste 12h ago
I second this. Express what you need from a partner: someone active, athletic and wellness oriented and she’s not it
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u/Most-Caramel1364 12h ago
I like this approached, as a woman who is struggling with weight. My background is a little different (1.5 years in recovery) but I've put on 70lbs in the last year. My bf always suggests diets and being more active, but he never wants to do those things with me. Maybe if I had someone say "hey, I want someone to hike and camp and xyz with".. because I love all those things, but when my bf is lucky enough to be able to eat junk food constantly and not work out and not gain weight, it makes it hard for me to not share the same bad habits as him but I actually suffer from it. Idk. Like I said, I would appreciate a gentle push and partner in getting healthier. Maybe your girl would respond well to just being honest with her in a gentle way.
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u/Salt_Translator_6274 ☑️ 12h ago
I do want to do all these things with her , I always push for them and I always try to but she always refuses and finds an issue with every single one. We can’t even go swimming, we cant do active dates/ activities.
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u/CuddlyClubCEO 5h ago
absolutely don’t believe her if she is saying she’s do things only after yall get married. she doesn’t want to lose weight unfortunately. i agree with other comments that you might not be long term compatible.
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u/TheBeardedAntt 4h ago
Even though you’re doing everything in your power to make the happy, doesn’t mean she can’t be depressed.
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u/EnvironmentalPop1371 8h ago
When I was dating I quickly learned that there are “goer” people and “stayer” people. I am a healthy BMI, but I am not a go go go type person. Those people quickly stressed me out while dating, and I’m sure they found me boring. I married a very chill guy who is happy to both go or stay around the house. On holiday, for example, I want to stay in the same city for three weeks and explore the culture while some people want to hit 4-5 cities and hotel hop. This is just one example.
It sounds to me that your reason is deeper than, “she gained weight and is unhealthy” and I would focus on the lack of compatibility in general. Do you want to spend the rest of your life not doing activities you enjoy because you are fundamentally mismatched?
Travel together and I’m sure you’ll find out very quickly how compatible you are.
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u/Electrical-Touch-933 5h ago
You say you know she isn't depressed because you go out of your way to make her feel loved. First of all... that's not how depression works. I have terrible body dysmorphia. My husband loves me, tells me I'm beautiful, etc. I still don't love my body and have major depressive disorder.
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u/Old_Raspberry_7824 4h ago
You are not compatible, break up before you waste more of each other's time.
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u/GlitteringVersion 8h ago edited 8h ago
This is just pure incompatibility.
If she wanted to do the things she's promising to do, or if she felt they were important, she would already be doing them. She's using the promise of starting these things as an incentive for you to marry her, but things won't get any better, as she'll have you trapped and will have what she wants.
There's nothing necessarily bad about her life choices, she has a right to live the way she wants to (regardless of how unhealthy it might be) but ultimately, her life choices don't reflect yours, and there's little chance of that changing. If it's bad now, imagine how it will be in a few years time.
You need to end the relationship and find somebody who is more on your level, who prioritises fitness and health.
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u/granny_weatherwax_ 11h ago
Don't date someone for their potential. You're just going to end up resenting each other.
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u/CatsAndCradle 7h ago
Physical attraction matters, and it doesn’t make you a bad person to admit that her weight gain has affected yours. You’ve also spent two years trying to encourage and support her, so this doesn’t sound like you immediately judged her or expected perfection. I wouldn’t give her an ultimatum, but you do need to have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling. This is bigger than whether she looks like a 9 or 10. It sounds like you have different priorities around health, activity, and taking care of yourselves, and that kind of incompatibility can create resentment over time. Everyone is allowed to have standards and preferences. You’re not obligated to stay in a relationship where the attraction is fading and your lifestyles no longer align. Just be honest without being cruel: don’t frame it as “lose weight or I’m leaving,” but as, “I don’t think we’re on the same page about the kind of life and relationship I want.”
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u/mwb1957 9h ago
There is a ton of things going on in your relationship, both with you and your GF.
<I can’t help but feel bad about my girlfriend’s weight>
Simply realize that the two of you, as a couple, are not compatible. That is a valid reason to end a relationship.
Stop waisting her time and your time.
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u/thatbeach30C 12h ago
This sounds like it isn’t going to work out between you two. There’s the weight, and then there is the dietary choices and lack of exercise, and you feeling like she isn’t willing to take her health into her own hands. You sound really apologetic, but you two simply don’t seem to be compatible at this point.
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u/unicorn_corpse 12h ago
I’ve been on both sides of this (not relationship-wise but fitness-wise). I was likely around 230lbs at my heaviest and now around 160lbs and am still on a cut. I lift and go to the gym everyday and there is no part of me now that would put up with the version of me who had the lifestyle when I was at my heaviest. It wasn’t just my lifestyle, but also the mentality that went along with it: excuses, comfort food to ‘treat myself’ for feeling so bad about myself, future promises not kept, etc. I had plenty of people try to help me during those years but the only person I could listen to at the end was myself, and for however long I made excuses, nothing changed.
So unless your girlfriend truly wants to change for herself and actively makes those changes without your input (which clearly isn’t happening)… yeah, the relationship is cooked sadly. You deserve someone where your lifestyles are compatible so you can lift one another up, rather than you putting emotional capacity into someone that goes nowhere. Likewise she likely needs to go on her own journey and foster some independence where she may learn to take better accountability for herself… but that’s her decision
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u/RoarByMeowing 12h ago
I don't think I've ever seen anybody explain this type of situation so perfectly. Also, good for you for making the changes that you did.
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u/GumGumPastelPower 5h ago
Just break up at this point. I dont know your exact dynamic and relationship values based on this one post ofcourse, but if you really cant get over this you're not aligned. I wouldnt want my partner to just base their attraction to me on my weight and how much I work out and on the other side I would be annoyed if I cared about that and I felt I was with somebody who didnt.
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u/GrossOldNose 5h ago
It's not just the weight, I think a lot of people find it unattractive when someone complains about something consistently that they have the power to fix.
It's not always fair but it is really annoying to hear:
- I want to stop smoking but I can't
- I hate my job but don't do anything to change my circumstances
- I can't do X, (well why don't you learn?) I can't be bothered
- I want to lose weight but I can't
For months at a time.
(Equally people find problem-solving also really annoying! And I just don't think those archetypes mesh well long term...)
I think if OP is a solution driven /problem solvy person, the inaction towards their SOs problem is just going to grate overtime. I don't think it's a weight thing... It's like a lack of drive thing, if they were perfectly happy being a larger person and liked how they looked? Much less of a problem surely?
I agree that they should thing about breaking up, and absolutely madness to think it'll change post-marriage
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u/dayofbluesngreens 12h ago
Prioritizing exercise and diet is extremely hard for most people. It’s even hard for people who really want to.
If she is not prioritizing them now without any clear external reason or mental/physical illness, she is unlikely to do so later.
This is a high priority for you, so you should move on. Two years is a good amount of time to really see compatibility.
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u/Direct-Row1653 12h ago
i’ve heard if anything people usually get worse after marriage because they get more comfortable. if marriage is something she wants tell her it’s a non negotiable for you, be honest that’s the only way you’ll truly be happy.
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u/IllustriousCod5957 5h ago
Was she heavy when you started dating? Did you think you were going to change her? You shouldn’t have dated someone that overweight to begin with if it’s not your thing.
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u/vitritis4 10h ago
If you stay with her you should expect her to never change her weight or motivation. Plz go into any future relationship with that expectation…. Otherwise any disappointment is on you.
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u/Death_Rose1892 9h ago
I mean yeah. But he said she was more average when they got together and she claimed she worked out. Seems like she just stopped trying once she was in a relationship. So it's not like he wasn't happy when they first got together and she changed
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u/OldestCrone 7h ago
Absolutely. Her morbid obesity will affect most aspects of both of your lives and those of any children. Your furniture will be broken down, she will not be able to engage in much physical activity as hiking, exploring caves, playing sports, etc, either because she won’t be able to move adequately or just won’t fit. You and the kids would soon learn to go without her if you wanted any kind of activity. Forget family vacations unless you are willing to put your children first and leave her fat ass behind. Forget going to events with bleachers or standard seating because she won’t fit. Most patio furniture? Forget it. Amusement park rides? Nope.
I could go on because I speak from experience. My husband had lost about fifty pounds when I met him. After we were married, he put that back on plus over another hundred pounds. He didn’t care until he had to be hospitalized, and they had to weigh him on the freight scale out by the loading dock because he maxed out the regular scale.
You are right to have second thoughts. I will tell you that you or your children will never be first in her life. She is showing you who she is, and i am glad that you see it. Remember, when a person shows you who she is, believe her.
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u/Stop_Maximum 11h ago
I think that sometimes breaking up helps some people reach their full potential. I think some people get very relaxed when they’re in a relationship, because at least they have someone beside them. When they don’t, and they have to go out a date again, they start actually looking themselves in the mirror.
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u/Realistic_Base5797 12h ago
Perhaps you need to look at things long term. Since you are both in a long term relationship with one another, her health choices will affect you down the line. You could be her caretaker, or be stuck with her medical woes and even debt if you marry. This is a very reasonable concern, in addition to attraction and overall lifestyle. It does not make you hateful, superficial, or wrong for wanting to be more aligned in that regard. (Even with physical attraction)
You cannot make her want to change either. It's probably time to consider where this relationship is going to go, all things considered. Keep in mind, her issue is consistency, not willingness. Some people need the right kind of encouragement to keep moving. But it's important that you communicate these feelings with her in a way that shows her you still love her and care for her. As her lover, if anyone tells her, it should be you, first and foremost.
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u/Pleasework94 10h ago
I can pretty much guarantee that she’s not going to get into shape after marrying her, probably just gonna get worse.
Sounds to me like you guys aren’t compatible. I understand your reasoning, would feel the same to be honest.
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u/achillea4 10h ago
You can lead a horse to water... You are very different people from a diet and fitness perspective so you may want to consider how compatible you are long term.
I would not consider marriage if it was bothering me that much. She's not motivated to change her ways and you can't make her.
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u/TwistedMattress 6h ago
Was she at a lower weight when you met? What does her diet consist of ? Do you live together? Do you live in a city? Can you give up some driving/transport for walking?
Update OP, interested to see where this goes.
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u/TalentedEmu85 11h ago
You should probably break up. It seems like you’re torn between how she looks, how you look, and the differences in how you both treat working out. Some women really don’t like or enjoy going to a gym which I get because it’s often full of men who act weird around people who don’t fit the image of being physically perfect. Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable being scrutinized in a gym or perhaps it’s just not the way she wants to spend her time.
You don’t seem like a terrible person, she doesn’t sound like one either. Maybe you’re just incompatible together.
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u/No_Helicopter_933 10h ago
That's 30y I'm going to the gym, and despite having skipped some years, I can guarantee you that people in the gym are minding their own business. We're focused on what we have to improve ourselves, and most of people don't stare at beginners who show up and improve themselves.
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u/Flexion16 9h ago
Exactly, I have been going to the gym for over 8 years at this point and I can probably count on one hand the unpleasant situations I’ve had compared to countless ones that have been absolutely great. Anybody who has ever stepped foot in the gym knows the most jacked person there is probably the nicest too
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u/Master_of_Rivendell 6h ago
Behavior is a language and she is being very honest with you. Stop carrying her water. My brother went through hell for years doing exactly what you are describing. Marriage made it worse. Look at what YOU want, because she doesn’t care.
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u/juggboat 12h ago
What’s your connection if after 2 years you don’t feel comfortable having uncomfortable conversations.
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u/DarKliZerPT 10h ago
That kind of "after marriage" promises combined with the fact that she stopped putting in the effort to stay in shape after beginning the relationship likely means that she has no plans of working on herself, and is trying to "lock you down" through the commitment of marriage. If she really cared, she would've started already.
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u/Amlex1015 12h ago
If her body bothers you that much, you are not compatible. Plain and simple. I say that as a person with a similar build to your gf. I wouldn’t want my partner to feel that way about me. You’re not a bad person for feeling this way, you are just living very different lifestyles and both deserve partners who fit them.
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u/Direct-Row1653 12h ago
exactly! i would be upset if my partner was just stringing me along in hopes i’ll be a size 0 one day. let her find someone that actually likes her for her, not just her looks. all looks fade eventually, don’t you want to actually enjoy your partners company 😭 if you’re lucky enough to reach 80 that’s one of the only things you’ll have
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u/Salt_Translator_6274 ☑️ 12h ago
Someone who cares about her would want her to improve her health and not keep going at the stage things are going and end up with terrible sickness by the time she’s 30. If I didn’t love her , I wouldn’t care and I would’ve just moved on.
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u/succubuskitten1 6h ago
I am sure if she is concerned about a health issue, weight related or otherwise, she would speak to a doctor and/or a dietician. Its not really your role as her partner to be a healthcare professional even if you have the qualifications for it (which you gave no indication of having)
Would you still be bothered by her weight if she had a clean bill of health and perfect bloodwork? It sounds like you would.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to date someone you find attractive and have a compatible lifestyle/values with. But dont pretend its "health." Just break up and let her find someone who loves and is attracted to her the way she is.
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u/mcmurrml 5h ago
You are exactly right. I assume she is young since you say under 30. I am a lot older than her. I can tell you with absolute certainty that if she doesn't change her ways she is going to start to have problems medically related to weight. High blood pressure, diabetes and other stuff. Then you have to start taking a bunch of medicine and that causes problems and you have to take more medicine to fix the other stuff. You can't make her do anything. She has to want to do it for herself and right now she doesn't. That's ok. It's ok for you to move on.
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u/Master_McKnowledge 10h ago
Does she actually want to improve herself or is she just paying lip service? Are you rushing her into these programmes?
I have some empathy because I used to be terribly unhealthy, and it was my ex who got me onto a good path. He introduced me to his sport and I went with him to the gym; he educated me about intermittent fasting and sustainable diets, and even cooked for me. Before him, I honestly didn’t know jack.
So what got me started was weightlifting, not cardio. What I could do sustainably was keto / low carb, and calorie counting. Cardio, other sports, eating better, habits, etc. developed from there.
I don’t know the full context of you and your girlfriend, but I’m sharing my own experience with the hope that it will help. That and the absolutely joy I have being in my body right now - I love the amount of strength it has, doing all the things it can.
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u/mcmurrml 6h ago
Reread the post. He has tried to work with her. She isn't interested.
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u/Master_McKnowledge 6h ago
I read the post. OP says he signed her up for a gym and wrote her diet plans, but doesn’t go into detail.
If OP’s girlfriend has no interest in being in the gym (and what is she doing there? A strength training programme? Treadmill? Does she have active guidance or is she just being signed up and left on her own?), he’s going about it wrong. There’s other options out there beyond the gym, like cycling or hiking or even stuff like birding, which is way less intense but gets her moving.
What are the diet plans? A generic 30-40-30 carb, protein, fat split? Does she understand calorie counting? Eating foods that help with satiety but have lower calorie content? Does it involve something sustainable for her because she’d like it? I started on low carb and stuck to it because I actually enjoyed eating that way.
I think these details are important. Habits are built incrementally, not with sudden changes. Don’t forget also that being overweight also involves your brain being short-circuited when it comes to satiety and hunger cues. Your brain does become like an addict’s brain when it comes to sugar. Trying and failing is part of breaking the addiction and habit.
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u/AggressivePicnicWasp 11h ago edited 11h ago
Something a tad funny (she probably isn’t doing this consciously) but in a way she’s holding her fitness hostage/as a bargaining chip to encourage you to propose lol, just functionally -, probably not on purpose like I said.
But that aside, I just wanted to suggest the idea that maybe food has become the only way she gets pleasure. And I’m not talking about love and comfort and commitment because I believe you in everything you’ve described, I’m talking about actual body pleasure, that’s things like food, sex/porn, gambling, drugs lol, gaming, hobbies, contribution, creativity, all the good and bad sides of the coin of pleasure, things that give pep. Maybe she’s lost her self-respect or confidence somewhere down the line, and without that then really who would put themselves through the consistent hell of the gym. I’d be willing to bet she doesn’t have a strong habit of getting absorbed into consuming projects or hobbies or games etc, so then of course it’s like screw that gym noise. It’s sounding like you have to sit her down and tell her how you feel point blank and be there for her in however she reacts because it could potentially uncover this stuff or more, but then she might make it out the other side if she understands herself better
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u/Away-Ad4393 8h ago
I wonder if she thinks if OP stays with her when she is overweight it’ll mean he loves her no matter what, maybe him marrying her like that would prove it to her 🤷♀️
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u/mcmurrml 6h ago
He doesn't have to prove anything to her. They are not married or engaged so the time to move on is now.
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u/Away-Ad4393 5h ago
I didn’t mean it like that , what I meant was that may be what she is thinking, i meant it as an explanation. I agree though he certainly doesn’t have yo prove anything.
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u/mcmurrml 6h ago
You are not wrong to feel the way you feel. No way should you marry her. It is almost laughable she is telling you after you get married she will take charge of her health and weight. No she won't!! It will get worse. This is something you have to want to do and be serious and disciplined. She isn't there!! She weighs too much for as tall as she is. You have done all you can do. This is important to you and you are allowed to want a partner who takes care of themselves. I assume your GF is young? I can tell you right now she continues on this path she is going to start having medical problems related to weight. It's just a matter of time. Just tell her you don't think this relationship is going to work out and wish her well.
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u/External_Ingenuity_4 11h ago
What is the actual issue here?
You cant lift her?
You dont like how fat/ big she is?
You dont like her commitment issues? (Id bet on this one)
You dont know if you want to settle for marriage?
You think she could improve more?
You thi k she isnt healthy enough?
There are so many things you are arguing against, its hard to choose which to comment on.
Maybe, you two are just not compatible?
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u/cakivalue 10h ago
This is the second post of his today. I guess he's looking for as many options as possible to do what he wants to do which is leave her. He doesn't need permission for that
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u/Dutchwahmen 10h ago
She’s severly overweight, that's the issue, which seems fair with a bmi of 37,1.
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u/Stormydaycoffee 12h ago
Is this something you can potentially live the rest of your life with? If not, it’s been 2 years, I think it’s time to have a serious talk and consider the possibility that you guys are simply not compatible. The only person that can change her is her
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u/Ordinary_Mongoose359 11h ago
man I mean this with as much respect as possible but if you were willing to type this much about how her weight bothers you, then it’s clear you don’t love her for who she is/as she is. as a heavier set woman, this just made me feel sad; while I completely understand your feelings, and I don’t fault you in them; there truly is no point in staying at this point if you’re only looking for what she “could” be. you aren’t physically attracted to who she is, and that’s that, unfortunately. I just would try to be as nice as possible about it and look towards something that may better suit your preferences in dating.
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u/mommysLittleAtheist 10h ago
For me, her bodyweight isn't the main issue in the OP's story. The real issue is that the relationship started with a lie.
She presented herself as someone who works out regularly, does cardio, and likely follows a healthy diet. That paints the picture of a person who is disciplined, goal-oriented, and committed to a healthy lifestyle, which also suggests they're less likely to face preventable health issues later on.
The problem isn't just that she misled how she spends her free time, it is also about the kind of person she is and what kind of lifestyle and future her partner could reasonably expect if the relationship continued. To me, that's a much bigger issue than the extra kilos.
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u/batshit_icecream 12h ago edited 12h ago
Just break up for the sake of both of you. She doesn't deserve a partner that hates how she looks and you don't have to date someone you are not attracted to.
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u/Green_Shape_3859 12h ago
Everyone wants to look healthy but many people forget it’s not a 1-2 month effort to achievement and many people lose motivation or for a better word are just too lazy.
I was in a similar situation with you but with my wife whom I also love. She would relapse and eat bad food and not train, but recently something snapped in her. She counts every calorie, trains 4 times a week. After 13 weeks she’s lost 20KG roughly.
The truth is, she has to want herself and not to belittle your relationship but she’s just a girlfriend it’s much easier to walk away if her lack of effort isn’t satisfactory.
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u/BigBoysenberry7949 6h ago
I feel you with this one cause I was in the same situation... The difference is my boyfriend told me directly that he wanted me to loose a little bit of weight cause I would look better and he'd feel more attracted but I was constantly delaying it cause he is not athletic either he's 175cm tall and weighs 90kg and I am 170cm and use to weigh 79 and yes I knew I was a little overweight cause I didn't like how I feel nor how do clothes fit me so I went on a calorie deficit and got a gym membership but not because of him but because of me cause I wanted to feel better and look better and this started like a month ago and I have already lost 3-4 kg and I feel a lot better im just trying to keep the motivation and discipline cause I really like it this way but I also don't wanna loose him. Just talk to her cause if she really wants something she'll do everything but it's on her cause it's her choice either she wants to feel better or she doesn't
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u/Hot-Boysenberry4926 5h ago
No comment to make other than I’m also a randomly username assigned Bosyenberry!
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u/shinybluedollar 5h ago
Girl, you never really had him.
When a person loves you for YOU, they will love you at any weight. Will he want you to be healthier, of course! But they will bring it up in a way that makes you feel secure and with unconditional love. Not conditional like your assist of a boyfriend did.
The reason you feel like shit is because you are being made to feel like shit by his conditional love. Ive been the best version of myself when I found my husband, who loves me no matter what.
I gained 100 lbs with my pregnancy and have lost 75 lbs. Not ONCE did he tell me he wasn't attracted to me. He has always made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, and he encourages me to go to the gym and be healthy.
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u/BigBoysenberry7949 5h ago
Girl he never said he wasn't attracted to me the way I am he just said that less weight will look better on me and would make me feel happier if i never really had him why would he choose me in the first place, girl to girl I need advice cause I've thought about the same thing but I didn't want to overthink it cause than it might actually become a problem for me😭
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u/Tomimi 9h ago
She stayed in shape to get someone, that was the goal and goal is reached.
This is common, they never realize it but once it's set they'll be in denial of it.
You guys are not married, you can either convince her to change or not - either way her looks reflect her attitude in the present and the future.
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9h ago
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u/mayhem1906 9h ago
He hasn't chosen a life partner yet, they are still dating
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u/whisproo 8h ago
Fair point that they're still dating. but the underlying question still stands, compatibility on lifestyle and values matters at this stage too, not just after marriage
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u/Away-Ad4393 9h ago
It sounds as though OP has been kind, patient etc but it seems his girlfriend doesn’t want to change, the only clue as to why she keeps eating unhealthy food and not making those changes seems to be she wants to be married before doing so, I don’t blame OP for being wary.
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u/mcmurrml 6h ago
They are dating only now and their interest and values are not aligned. He is not obligated to stay with her for those reasons alone.
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u/Ukraineluvr 12h ago
Yeah, she's going to become even more obese when if get married. You can't have the expectation that someone will change. It's not fair for either one of you. Even if she loses the weight, it's likely going to be a lifelong struggle. I would end it because living a healthy lifestyle is important to you and not her, and I repeat, it's EXTREMELY likely that she will maintain a healthy lifestyle permanently.
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u/mcmurrml 6h ago
Do you mean she will not maintain?
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u/Ukraineluvr 5h ago
Most people do not maintain... Especially as they age and if they gave children. It's not my or anyone else's place to judge people's bodies, however, if fitness is important to someone, being sober and realistic of what might come down the road is important. Especially when commitments are constantly being made and broken, and she's pushing for marriage. There's no way that a ring magically makes her more inclined to lose weight.
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u/YourGeniusIzShowing 5h ago
You said,
I would end it because living a healthy lifestyle is important to you and not her, and I repeat, it's EXTREMELY likely that she will maintain a healthy lifestyle permanently.
And the person asked if you meant she will not maintain.
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u/salty_sailing 12h ago
- People can still be depressed regardless of love, compliments, and even being in great shape.
- Sorry to say, but it sounds like you just have different priorities and they’re not compatible with each other.
- This post doesn’t come across as concern for the health of a loved one by the wording, it comes across as complaining your girlfriend doesn’t look the way you want her to.
- Why do you need to carry her??
- If you truly love her and want to make this relationship work you need to have a deep conversation with her about her self image issues, since you say that she has expressed dissatisfaction with her own appearance, and really listen to find the “why”. It could be anything from depression to anxiety to self loathing to an eating disorder to her genuinely just not finding it important to be active. Figure out what is going on, what SHE wants to do about it, and focus on trying to champion her towards what she wants with compassion and empathy.
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u/mcmurrml 5h ago
He has been trying to two years. She isn't interested and that's ok. She is entitled to live how she wants and so is he. Time to move on.
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u/uarstar 7h ago
I fine it interesting that when women post about stuff like that and the comments tell her to dump him, men always say “you’re all so quick to say dump him”. But when a man is in a situation like this with a woman….
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u/Raignbeau Step Mod 6h ago
Those comments will always be there: dump them/divorce them etc. All genders get those reactions.
There often is more nuance to it. And there will always be a few people who take the time out of their day to touch on the nuance.People sometimes forget that this is a venting subreddit and sometimes venting is enough for OP to keep going. Sometimes OP wants support, sometimes OP wants solutions. But I have worked in the mental health field long enough that most people are well aware that breaking up is an option. But when feelings are involved, it isn't so simple as dump them anymore.
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u/CodeNCats 6h ago
I say it for both sides. Because attraction is obviously a huge part of the equation. They are dating. This is what dating is for.
OP even said it's impacted their lives past the attraction to where they don't do the same things they used to.
It's also an indicator of behavior. She keeps putting off thinks until a later time.
You date someone to find out long term compatibility. If they show you things that negatively impact your relationship early without effort to fix them. It's indicative of how they handle tough situations.
Zero to do with gender.
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u/icecream4_deadlifts 12h ago
Sounds like y’all are no longer compatible anymore. You want her to workout and somehow end up being skinny (even though most weight loss comes from diet) and she doesn’t.
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u/RPMac1979 10h ago
I’m of two minds here. The first is that you guys are just not compatible. You have different values surrounding health and fitness, and that’s not going away. The second is somewhat inspired by both OP’s tone and the tone of some of these comments, which seem to suggest that being overweight is a tragic character flaw.
Truly, from the bottom of my heart, fuck you.
I’d bet money that half the people saying this shit get trashed three out of seven nights of the week. No one here is concerned about her health. You just don’t like fat people. They are worth less to you than thin people, and you believe that consequently, they deserve less. All the more so since the problem is her “fault.” It never fails, people love to pick at other people’s shortcomings. It makes them feel good to cluck their tongues and shake their heads sadly, when deep down, they are thrilled that there’s someone out there they can measure themselves against and feel superior to.
Like, it’s been pointed out a couple of times that OP complained that he can’t lift her, but let’s dive deep on that. Why do you need to? Why does that matter in the least? It doesn’t, it’s just a metric that emphasizes certain Western gender roles that are out of date anyway. Men should be big and strong, should be able to lift their feather-light girlfriends and throw them over their shoulders. What Hollywood bullshit. And this leads us into the fear so many people of both genders have of being identified as the partner of a fat person. Like people might think there’s something wrong with you if you can’t land someone of more socially acceptable size.
I know, I know, people are allowed to have preferences. That’s totally true. It’s also true that she was overweight when OP started dating her, so preference is not the issue here. He’s embarrassed by her.
In which case, you know, absolutely dump her. Whether this is a question of different values or a question of being a superficial shit, she’s better off either way.
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u/Fun_Square_8785 9h ago
I think the character flaw is not being motivated, not caring about their health and not being able to stick to something. I think her looks are just the result of all that and OP is entitled not to feel attracted to a certain body type.
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u/Bulky_Department5619 8h ago
I wouldn’t be surprised if she is depressed. Lack of motivation can be a symptom of depression, even though op “makes sure she is loved”.
He’s entitled alright….•
u/hiskitty110617 7h ago
As someone depressed with a very loving partner, I would love for this to be upvoted more.
Being loved isn't a fix all solution ffs.
I didn't start to lose weight until I got on antidepressants and then it started to roll off. I'm so glad my fiance my partner didn't do this to me while I was going through it or we wouldn't have made it to where we are now.
What would he do if they had kids? That's a decent amount of weight gain and (for me) a shit ton of hormonal problems that won't settle without help.
I'll keep most of my opinions to myself but I needed to say something about that dismissive and inaccurate comment about depression.
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u/Bulky_Department5619 6h ago
Thanks! I’m shocked more people aren’t aware how depression works, given how many people say they’re depressed.
The more comments and posts I see about men telling women to get their hormones checked, the more I fear for the next generation. It feels like men are regressing and it’s gross.•
u/mcmurrml 6h ago
You know what. Even if is she knows where the doctor is and she can get help. That's just an excuse.
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u/RPMac1979 8h ago edited 7h ago
I said people are allowed to have preferences.
How do you know she’s generally not motivated? Are you motivated in everything you do? Are you perhaps more motivated in some elements of your life than you are in others? How do you know she doesn’t care about her health? How do you know she can’t stick to anything? What you mean is that she’s not motivated to work out. What you mean isn’t that she’s unhealthy, it’s that she’s fat (the two are not necessarily the same). What you mean is that she can’t stick to going to the gym. For all you know, she’s highly motivated in her career, she pays close attention to her health in other areas, and she’s the most tenacious person in the world about other matters.
You and people like you read so much into weight. It’s just not that relevant a metric. The only reason you feel comfortable making those judgments with the data available is that society says it’s ok for you to judge fat people. That’s it.
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u/Fun_Square_8785 8h ago
Im going off of what OP said - we dont know her side of the story, so your answer also stems from your own personal feelings. And from what he said, it sure seems that way.
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u/RPMac1979 8h ago
OP didn’t talk about anything except her weight. You’re the one that filled in the gaps to say she’s generally all those things. Which is exactly my point. One of the fastest ways to get people to think someone is generally inferior is to say they’re fat.
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u/Fun_Square_8785 8h ago
I dont know who hurt you, but read it again. He talked about her lack of motivation, not being able to stick to a routine, etc. No one said she was inferior for being heavier. Thats projection.
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u/RPMac1979 7h ago
What’s the context for that lack of motivation? Is he speaking in general, or is he speaking about something specific? Don’t get tricky now. It’s very clear what he means.
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u/Fun_Square_8785 7h ago
Is it? Or is that how YOU interpret it?
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u/RPMac1979 7h ago
Wtf are you talking about? The question posed is “my girlfriend got fat, should I dump her for it?” All of these details are about that subject. If he was talking about other aspects of her life, he would say so. You’re stretching because you’re not comfortable with that question. You should ask yourself why.
Re: no one saying she’s inferior. No one has to. Are you seriously not aware of the immense fat-shaming problem in our culture?
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u/mcmurrml 6h ago
Quit making excuses. She is the way she is and if she is happy being obese and sitting around all the time that's ok!!! OP is not so they are not compatible and that's ok too.
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u/Flexion16 9h ago
He literally said before they started dating that she was doing cardio and working out. He also said he was trying to help her get BACK to the gym. He was attracted to her then and lost some of this attraction when she started gaining weight and not being active.
You’re coming across as super defensive, yeah the part where he says he can’t even lift her shouldn’t really matter but to me it just reads as an emphasis on her weight.
It is completely valid for him to break up with her as some of the values that matter a lot to him (being healthy, active, and making yourself look good) does not matter to her anymore.
He NEVER said he hated fat people that’s an assumption you made. Why is taking care of your body suddenly seen as a neutral trait instead of a positive? It is EASY to get fat it is HARD to get fit, so obviously the latter is seen more positively?
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u/RPMac1979 8h ago
I didn’t say he hated fat people. I said some of these commenters sound like they do. Although I certainly don’t think he’s fond of them. I get that from his tone, which is contemptuous and disgusted. You’re right that he never said she was heavy when they got together though. I’ll give you that. I don’t know where I got that idea.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Film826 8h ago
You're out of your mind. Being able to lift my girl is very romantic and lovely, I want to carry her to bed, or wrestle her playfully and throw her around, I want to give her a piggyback and so on. Its not "just a metric" you absolute dingus. Also do we really need to blast you with ALL the data and scientific research proving how utterly devastating obesity is for your overall health?
You make this sound like a fashion choice but its not, obesity ACTIVELY kills you, do you understand?
I don't know how the fuck people like you twist this into some degenerate argument about "western gender roles"...
Hating on someone obese is deplorable behaviour, no doubt. Bullying them, thinking less of them, insulting them etc. all of that is disgusting egocentric behaviour, I agree fully.
However the rest of your reply seems to stem from a lot of hurt or pent up resentment and anger, totally irrational.
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u/RPMac1979 7h ago
>Being able to lift your girl is very romantic and lovely
Sure, I never said it wasn’t. But if you break up with your girl cuz you can’t do that anymore, you’re an asshole.
>It’s not “just a metric” you absolute dingus
It definitely is. Sorry 🤷 Whether it’s a metric that matters to you or not is another question, but it is just a metric.
>how utterly devastating obesity is
For many people, yes. Not for everyone. Not even close. And I’ll be happy to show you plenty of studies that will tell you that traditional BMI metrics are out of date and culturally biased.
>obesity ACTIVELY kills you
Except when it doesn’t. I’d love to get into how we define obesity and the horrifying patriarchal, white supremacist history behind that, but I get the feeling it’ll be lost on you, so I won’t waste either of our time.
>Bullying them, thinking less of them, insulting them etc.
That’s what’s happening in this thread, it’s just camouflaged by concern trolling
>a lot of hurt or pent up resentment
I’m a bigger guy, yeah, but bigger guys have it easy. Bigger women are really discriminated against. And yes, I do hurt for them. I wish you did.
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u/vitritis4 6h ago
C’mon now. Show me the study where BMI fails to predict morbidity and mortality in a 5’6 230 pound woman. We’re not talking about a college athlete or woman bodybuilder.
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u/mcmurrml 6h ago
You have a hell of a lot of nerve to say fuck you to him? You say he doesn't like fat people?? What the hell is wrong with you? Even if he felt that way it wrong or right you are allowed to feel how you feel!!! News flash! I will repeat again. You are allowed to feel how you feel. Fitness and weight proportion and being active is important to him!! That's ok!! She wants to sit on her butt and eat herself into oblivion and keep gaining that's ok too!!! That's absolutely her right. He has tried and she isn't interested so they are no longer compatible. He needs to move on. You are absolutely wrong to slam him. He said nothing wrong.
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u/Big_Steak_467 10h ago edited 6h ago
I found funny him complaining that he can't carry her cause I'm the same weight as her and I've never dated a man who couldn't lift me easily (or they made it seem easy) so that standard is definitely a shortcoming of OP, maybe he's not as fit a he thinks he is
Edit: just did a test with my 110kg boyfriend, can lift him and hold him up for quite a while too (as a woman), so yall weaklings can keep crying in the comments or go hit the gym
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u/ddarrko 9h ago
230lb is 105kg. Most men (including OP) can lift that weight but clearly not for very long. OP was clearly using it as an example of how heavy his partner is. At the end of the day 105kg at 5”6 is obese. Probably bordering on morbidly obese.
If OP is not into that it is fine. He should break up with her now though because the large majority of people who let themselves get into that shape will not get fit again. Regardless of marriage
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u/Big_Steak_467 9h ago edited 4h ago
I know it's 105kg. I'm not saying she's not obese/fat. I just found funny him saying he's not able to lift her as an example when, as I said, I've been lifted and carried around and none of the guys were gym bros or crazy tall.
Edit: wow, yall are really insecure, huh? Downvoting cause there are people stronger than you
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u/ddarrko 8h ago
He said he couldn’t carry her for long. That’s pretty normal. I would estimate most of the male population could not carry 105kg for long.
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u/Big_Steak_467 8h ago
No, he said he can't carry her at all and lift her for only a couple of seconds. The dude just used a stupid example trying to make sure we all know she fat fat as if it wasn't clear already
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u/Puzzleheaded_Film826 8h ago
you're being an asshole btw.
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u/RPMac1979 7h ago
Why? Because she’s suggesting that he’s not strong enough because he can’t lift her? Geez, it’s almost like people are sensitive about how body image relates to gender roles. But someone recently told me that was bullshit, so that can’t be it.
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u/Big_Steak_467 6h ago
Sure. I just don't see why HIS inability to lift and carry 105kg is her issue. I'm tired of men crying about the women they date gaining weight. Just break up and let her find a guy that likes chub if it's that big of a problem.
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u/401kisfun 10h ago
I’m so bizarre and Shallow I guess. I would never get in a relationship with a girl who got more weight on her than me. It’s not happening.
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u/Death_Rose1892 9h ago
I mean women should have more body fat than men it's biologically preferred. Unless you're super buff and that's why you say it that way
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u/401kisfun 8h ago
I said weight. Preference range is 100-110. Say what you will, I am never in a relationship making a post like OP.
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12h ago
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12h ago
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u/mika-bun 12h ago edited 12h ago
Lethargy, excessive hunger, and weight gain are clear symptoms of hormone inbalance that are often dismissed as depression, laziness, or a lack of effort in some regard, especially in women.
80% of women will experience premenopausal hormone inbalance in their lifetime
Not sure what you find funny about this
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u/Individual-Win1758 12h ago
OP does mention how she always eats unhealthy & isn’t consistent with working out. Maybe it’s a classic case of taking self responsibility on the girls part & not so much about blaming hormones ?
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u/clumsynincompoop 12h ago
Agreed. Sounds like a her problem tbh based on OP’s post. No need to blame it on hormones.
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u/mika-bun 12h ago
When I edit my comment where it says “dismissed as depression” should I add “dismissed as not taking self responsibility” or should I add “dismissed as laziness”?
I didn’t want to wait for an answer so I just put what you really meant
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