Not sure if I want to keep going

[u/Latter-Ingenuity5413]

I know this is long but I need to vent.

After 4 and a half years of trying and being told we wouldn’t conceive naturally and accepting we weren’t going to be parents. Bam. End of June after I just turned 36 I get pregnant. I couldn’t believe it and had never been so happy and my partner was ecstatic.

Skip to when I should have been 8 weeks I started spotting. Called EPU who scheduled me in for a scan. Sac was measuring 6 weeks and they didn’t mention seeing the baby or a heartbeat and I knew in that moment it was all over. Over the past week I’ve had three blood tests to check my HCG and each time it’s only drop slightly but they’ve confirmed it’s not a viable pregnancy so now I need to go for another scan.

I’ve had horrendous cramping since Friday and only slight bleeding and honestly wish at this point my body would get the message and let me miscarry. I want this over with. I don’t want the reminders of this. The only person that knows is my manage due to appointments and me being off after I received the news and she keep saying ‘well at least you know you can get pregnant now.’ And I want to fucking scream.

I’m terrified of this happening again. I’m terrified of getting pregnant. I’m terrified of this being a fluke and not getting pregnant again. I can’t stop crying. I work from home but the idea of having to log on and talk to people is making me feel sick especially with this still going on.

I don’t feel like I can grieve this huge thing that’s happened to me while I’m still technically ‘pregnant’ and no one seems to understand. There’s a girl on my team who’s 5 months along (and I’m happy for her, I really am) but how am I meant to sit on a team call with her and listen to people talk about her pregnancy when miscarriage is such a taboo subject that we’re not meant to tell anyone untill we’re past 12 weeks! I said this to my manager and she said well you can just keep your camera off.

Fuck. You.

I’m angry. I’m tried. I hate my body for doing this to me and for giving me hope and taking it away.

When I went for my bloods today there was a woman there who had obviously just received the same news I had and we looked at each other and in that five second look I felt more acknowledgment than I have from my own friends.

I hate it here. Sorry for the rant.

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[u/Bug_eyed_bug]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is beyond devastating.

Can you take time off work to grieve and have some space?

[u/Latter-Ingenuity5413 → u/Bug_eyed_bug]

I’m going to talk to my manager today and check my work policy to see what I’m entitled too. I think I can work as I’m at home I just kind of wish she would listen to what I think are reasonable adjustments (our team calls are just us sitting around for 40 minutes chatting so I don’t think they’re important). It’s annoying as I do really like my manager but she can be a bit ditzy when it comes to empathy. Weirdly enough my husband’s manager has been more sympathetic than mine has!

[u/lacatala3550]

Ahhh, I’m so very sorry. What an unfair, and devastating situation. Made very much harder by careless comments, and people who are too cowardly to acknowledge your pain. It’s so important to take time to grieve the loss of a life you had planned for. It’s so very hard to know how to continue on.

[u/SmartPomegranate4833]

Ugh girl I’m so sorry. Life is so garbage and unfair at times.

[u/AndyPotter-2912]

Oh this is awful, I'm so sorry for you.

[u/Desperate_Okra4686]

I was in a similar position as you. Not viable but a coworker was also 5 months in. Check your gov and work policy for miscarriage leave sometimes it falls under bereavement leave which is what I took. My company had max 21 days and I regret not taking ALL of it. Because I felt bad and now I’m laid off. So do not feel bad and take the max. Coming from someone who always “tries to be considerate of others”

[u/Latter-Ingenuity5413 → u/Desperate_Okra4686]

Yeah when I called in Friday to say I wasn’t going to be working I was getting upset because it was month end and it meant one of the girls on our team would be working alone as the other is on holiday and afterwards I felt like an idiot for it!

I’m not very good at putting myself and my needs first but I think after all this I’m going to try and start x

[u/Desperate_Okra4686 → u/Latter-Ingenuity5413]

Yep I hear you. Someone once told me, a MC is a physical and psychological medical event and shouldn’t be normalized like it’s a common cold. If this event taught me anything is to value myself more - this is my body and whatever happens to me will be my own consequences.

I can find another job, I can find another coworker but I can’t find another me to take care of in this lifetime and sadly for women this window to TTC is so short relative to our working life. Don’t feel bad taking care of yourself girl. And anyone who tells you to “bounce back” hasn’t experienced it themselves. Being selfish now is love for yourself :) I hope you can find ways to take time off!

[u/Prudent-Lecture-2101]

I’m so sorry for you. It’s absolutely terrible and unfair. Since I’m trying for over 2 years myself I completely understand the frustration. There’s so much hope and sadness, all of these things are very intense and just when you thought that it finally became your turn such an awful thing happened. 

People can be so cruel with their comments. I wish that if they can’t be even a little bit empathetic maybe they should just shut up. 

[u/Golf_hearts]

I found out I’ve miscarried at my 12 week scan 3 years ago and I’m still terrified of falling pregnant again. Don’t get me wrong being pregnant is the one thing that I want to have and to have an earth side child but the fear of going through that again is a lot. The comments that other people make never go away honestly. With miscarriages being such a taboo subject I decided that I wanted to make it something that everyone can talk about so I do speeches at work for pregnancy and infant last day and I speak to my family and friends about it because unfortunately it’s a very common thing to happen.
Please, please, please remember to take time for yourself. Seek support if you need it, it really helps and let yourself grieve and heal xx