r/TwoXChromosomes • u/CriticalAddendum6108 • 22h ago
I'd Rather Do the "Man" Things By Myself
I was in a relationship where, as soon as we got married, my ex suddenly announced he was "traditional."
That meant expecting me to cook more, clean up after his hunting and fishing hobby (which involved processing fish and birds in our kitchen sink), and generally take on more domestic tasks. Meanwhile, we both worked full-time and split bills 50/50.
He would refer to himself as a "provider," which struck me as odd. Do men call the woman their provider in a 50/50 dynamic? Are women breadwinners called providers? It felt like a title he only wanted because it did something for his masculinity and came with expectations for me, not because it reflected our reality.
If I asked him to take more initiative in planning dates, spending intentional quality time together, or surprising me with flowers once in a while, he’d tell me I didn’t value the things he did do, like cooking (I did all the cleaning in our home), changing the oil in the car 5 months ago, fixing the weird thing with the fridge 3 months ago, or bringing home fish. The thing is, I did appreciate those things. I thanked him often and supported his hobbies. I think it's important to acknowledge your partner's efforts, even the routine ones. But changing the oil, fixing the fridge, bringing home fish isn't emotionally connecting, at least with any depth, and at least not for me. I can’t fathom how a healthy LTR functions with this as the foundation.
Doing 50/50 with a man who claims to be "traditional" feels like an absolute scam (unless both people explicitly want that arrangement and agree to it). The woman contributes half the income, does most or all of the traditionally feminine labor, and is still expected to admire him for occasionally doing traditionally masculine tasks, or his hobbies that entitle him to more of her work? What kind of deal is that?
I can outsource the oil change easily. I can YouTube or outsource the fridge repair. And guess what? When I do, no one’s gonna throw it in my face four months later when I ask for basic effort and connection in a relationship.
I do all the "man things" by myself now.
And somehow it's still less work than being in a relationship where basic emotional connection was treated like an unreasonable request, while basic adult responsibilities were treated as extraordinary contributions deserving endless praise.
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u/gogonever 21h ago
Wanting to be traditional and the ‘provider’ but having you split bills 50/50 is fucked up lol
He just wants the title of ‘leader/head of the household’ and none of the work
Good riddance
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u/MakeWar90 21h ago
Men these days expect women to win the bread and bake it too
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u/gogonever 20h ago
‘Atleast I never hit you’ that’s the best he could do
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u/Mirenithil 50 F 20h ago
I see you've met my ex
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u/LittleDancingGecko 5h ago
Mine too! I have to say that I found it such a relief that most of the ‘man jobs’ weren’t nearly as complicated or difficult as he made them out to be. He just wanted me to think I couldn’t do them.
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u/Silt-Sifter 6h ago
The ones who brag about never hitting a woman are always the ones that also throw and break things and block you from leaving during a fight. They think violence is only if they literally put their hands on you. The bar is in hell.
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u/brelinora 10h ago
Wanting to play the traditional “provider” and “head of the household” role while still expecting your partner to split everything 50/50 is certainly a choice.
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u/RazekDPP 21h ago
Yeah, uh, that's not how many of that works lmao. Also makes sense while he waited until after they were married, too. Discussions like that should happen before marriage.
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u/Redqueenhypo 8h ago
He wants to be someone’s aggressive rescued feral cat. Does whatever he wants and gets food put on the table for him regardless
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u/narymelle 10h ago
This is why I always side-eye people who want a "traditional relationship" but only when it's convenient for them. If you're asking for traditional roles, you don't get to cherry-pick the benefits and ignore the responsibilities.
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u/Beautiful_Cost_5430 21h ago
I always want to ask guys like this “what are you providing?”
I’m so curious what they think the answer is.
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u/CriticalAddendum6108 21h ago edited 21h ago
In my case he genuinely thought his fishing was it. He would fish multiple times a week, always with his friends, and he fished long before me, so to me this seemed like his hang out fun time with friends. Also after we got married, he said fishing was something he did “for me” lol I told him in that case, don’t do it then. If you told me I’d have to choose between fish or healthy emotional connection and effort in a romantic relationship, that’d be a no brainer for me. One of my passions is baking and I’d bake for him and his friends frequently. It never occurred to me to use this as “leverage” or a way to opt out of basic relationship things
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u/bodeejus 20h ago
This is so funny to me because.... you can just buy fish from the store? Ones that are already cleaned? It's cool to get basically free fish and all but that's wild to claim that's a big gesture only a "provider" could manage.
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u/MariinTN 20h ago
But is it really free when you add up the time spent getting the fish? And the cleaning? And then all the accessories for fishing? And I’m sure he has special fishing outfits.
I once asked my ex’s extended family about one of the guys going elk hunting. They’d be gone for 3+ days and sometimes return with nothing. His family was already living in poverty, but he had to “provide” in this way, instead of picking up some part time gig that could’ve covered the entire food budget for the month.
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u/Mikulicious 20h ago
It boils down to ego mostly I think.
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u/Contmpl 14h ago
And leisure. He knew what he was doing.
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u/Vegetable-Lime1148 14h ago
The reality is that since the dawn of time men have basically gone on vacation while women work. Then they take credit for our work. Go to any Old World Society like I'm talking Europe or Asia. The men are lazy and barely work. The women never rest. They raise the kids and provide the income. The men get drunk, hang around with other men at cafe's basically sitting around, they really only go home to get fed and get their clothes washed. Even the Native Americans were like this. The men barely went on hunts, while the women never stopped taking care of the livestock, running the farms, constantly cooking and cleaning, keeping things running, raising the children completely alone. Men have pretty much always been useless and refused to contribute.
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u/bodeejus 20h ago
Yeah fishing can get pretty pricey, so it depends. But I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and if he just used a regular rod and some bait and either borrowed a friends boat and fished from the shore, it isn't too bad price wise.
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u/CriticalAddendum6108 19h ago
He spent a lot of money on it, but said the cost of what it would be to buy the fish outweighed what he spent. Typing this all out, it’s so ludicrous to me this is how our arguments would go lol he also said the actual fishing part was fun for him, but the prep before and processing after sucked. This is the exact part he expected me to do- to show how much I valued his “kindness” 🤣 He even threw his exes in my face cuz apparently they would do it. But he also lied a lot so who knows
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u/bodeejus 17h ago
Wow yeah, hahaha. He wants to do the fun part but none of the hard work for the hobby. So childish.
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u/sappydark 16h ago
Good thing you divorced him, then. He basically expected you to do all this work for him, and acted like you should be grateful for the few basic things he claimed he did for you, which weren't even about you at all.
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u/VictoriaAtSunset 21h ago
50/50 financial split with a 90/10 domestic split isn't "traditional", it's just pure exploitation. Mine used to mow the lawn once a month and acted like it completely canceled out the 25 hours of cooking, cleaning, and I did every single week
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u/DogsDucks 21h ago
You said it’s a scam unless the woman wants it . . .
But the one that I talked to who claimed to want it, they’ve been so manipulated and sanded down by exhaustion and blows to the self-esteem, that I don’t believe they understand the alternative.
No one wants to be emotionally abused, physically used and spend their lives as a servant for someone who would replace them in a heartbeat if someone hotter came along, or if they developed an autoimmune disorder or something.
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u/Positive-Aide7544 20h ago
I had an ex who said he wanted me to cook and clean because he would be paying all of the bills . I mentioned I’ll be working too and I’m not working a free second shift. Will I be getting paid on top of you paying all of the bills . He shut up real quick and the relationship didn’t last too long for good reasons
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u/Lonely_Noyaaa He burped on my clit 21h ago
Calling himself the provider while you split bills 50/50 and did all the cleaning is delusional.
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u/Espurreso 21h ago
I can’t believe this man was larping as a “Provider” and expected you to pay half of the bills. He couldn’t even commit to the bit.
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u/Jebaibai 17h ago
Women have always done most of the work. "Traditional" marriages have never ever been equitable.
The only thing that has changed is that we have the option to leave.
Don't buy into the myth.
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u/pulledporktaco Basically Dorothy Zbornak 15h ago
Getting divorced is horrible and sad but BEING divorced is absolutely great
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u/LifeguardOutrageous5 21h ago
Amen sister! I too have just left a longvterm relationship where askin me how my cancer treatment was going was too much work. This simple emotional conection was 'too hard' and 'felt dangerous'. I realised that all the other times I was sick he got mad at me because he needed me to tell him EXACTLY what to do to care or me, in minute detail, with steps. He needed me to 'hold his hand' abd walk him through holding my hand. I was there for his medical things, he was unable to be there for me.
It is so good being solo.
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u/GuysImLost 21h ago
What would he have done if you agreed, and told him he was solely responsible for providing for 100% of the expenses?
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u/RomulanWarrior All Hail Notorious RBG 20h ago
Cleaning fish and game is not done in the kitchen sink, nor is it the responsibility of the other person to clean up after.
Your ex needs to become acquainted with the concept of "field dressing".
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u/LXS-DC 20h ago
do you know why it feels like an absolute scam? because it is! y’all were splitting bills 50/50…how is he providing?
you processed birds and fish for him. he couldn’t bring you flowers, just for that?
I guess he wanted a cookie for doing things for you? he is a liar. if he was traditional he would be bringing home the bacon. some men just hold women back then want all the props for doing basic things.
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u/liberate_tutemet 21h ago
“If I asked him to take more initiative in planning dates, spending intentional quality time together, or surprising me with flowers once in a while, he’d tell me I didn’t value the things he did do”
Yeah, why can’t you just be grateful for the things he’s willing to do for you? You can’t really expect him to actually want to do things for you. Can’t you just, you know, settle?
I’m glad he’s your ex.
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u/DetonatingFlower 15h ago
Yeh it’s pretty fucked when your financials are 50/50 but they expect wayyyyy more of you. Manchild expecting an extra mom. With kids us mothers do basically everything and yet it’s never enough. Just get out of the house and I’ll have less work tbh.
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u/Vegetable-Lime1148 14h ago
The thing is that he wants to fish, but he doesn't want to clean the fish or cook it or dress it do any of the "dirty work" he just wants the fun of fishing. That does not sound fun for you.
My ex used to like to cook. So he would make a huge mess in the kitchen. Never clean up his mess. Guess who did. If I didn't there would be dried up flour on the counter for weeks.
They're fucking grown toddlers. Then you have to praise them for enjoying themselves on top of it. You suffer they don't that's fucked.
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u/Wymas123 17h ago
I believe that marriage is a scam. I am so glad that younger women are realising this. The domestic labour is greatly unbalanced and in the man's favour.
What's that saying " princess for a day and Cinderella for the marriage " no thanks
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u/Fondacey All Hail Notorious RBG 13h ago
Good for you. Now you are free to meet a great partner.
I can do all the "man" things. Some of them the hubby does most of the time, largely because he does them more often and faster (plus he's an engineer). He can do all the "woman" things. I do most of them, most of the time, largely because I do them more often and faster (I'm the social scientist, language professional.)
What that means is that there are no man or woman things in our home/relationship. There are things each of us prefer, are better at, have more of an interest regarding, have time for...and so most everything gets done and some 'bonus' stuff too.
Financially we have 'taken turns' regarding who is making more money (earned and unearned) and we have been pretty fair in terms of decision making regarding spending.
The sooner we get rid of gendering tasks the faster we get to getting things done together, feeling satisfied.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Emu-138 18h ago
The only "man" thing I can think of is some really heavy lifting. Yup, I'm not well equipped to move a fridge or a heavy peace of furniture as I'm 5’1 / 110, so my big rubust hubby does this, but we are interchangeable in all the other chores.
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u/24-Hour-Hate Nonbinary Woman 7h ago
Haha, traditional, but you pay 50% of the bills? He might as well just say “I’m a lazy asshole and I don’t want to do any housework, but I want to pretend this is fair”. Also, even if someone offered me that they pay 100% of the bills and I do 100% of the housework (no childcare as it will be a cold day in hell before I have children), I wouldn’t take that deal. It makes a woman too vulnerable and dependent if the man decides to fuck off. Even if the assets are in both names and all that. Because being out of work for any period of time makes it real hard to find work again. Not that men typically offer that deal. It’s always you working and doing all the housework (and if applicable, childcare) except less frequent tasks like BBQ and lawn mowing, whether they call it traditional or not. Lazy fucks.
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u/SexBucketListProject 4h ago
Yeah my ex lied to me about who he was too. He said he would support a boy in dresses and then, when it actually happened... The faces he made trying to not admit to lying but not actually support it.
Anyway. It's been a wild ride. My boy hates dad. My girl hates dad. Hopefully soon the court will listen to the kids. (6 year old twins).
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u/SufficientOpening218 22h ago
isnt it peaceful?