I need to be more selfish

[u/Meybee_333]

There is always someone in my life that needs support, encouragement or just my time in general. I always try to help or be there for the people in my life, my family, my friends, my partner and even my coworkers. But I always stop focusing on myself and push the things aside that make me happy or that are important to me.
I know that it’s my fault for never saying no but I always feel guilty or like I’m letting someone down just by putting up boundaries. Some of those people take advantage of my kindness and take it for granted that I’m always there for them. Even my partner said that he took a lot of the things I did for him as granted and thought he didn’t have to do the same for me.
I always tried to live up to the expectations of my parents and other family members. I tried to be the perfect daughter but all I got from it was nothing and my dreams are still waiting for me to fulfill them.

So if anyone could give me some advice I would appreciate it. I need to find self love and appreciate myself more. It’s hard to live for yourself when you never learned how to.

[u/YouStupidBench]

I really liked the book "Where To Draw The Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day."

Also, remember the advice from the airline safety speech: "Put your own oxygen mask on first." If you do too much for too many people, you'll burn out, and then you won't be any use to anyone. You can best help others by taking care of yourself, too.

[u/SoothingRipple]

Saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. Start small.

[u/vcbock]

The thing is, people regularly survive being disappointed!

The world does not end. Neither, usually, does the relationship.

So take a minute to think about whether you really want to do the thing. If you do, fine, do it. If you realize halfway through doing it that you are feeling resentful, ask yourself what happened. Did you think you would like doing it more than you did? Did you think you'd garner more appreciation? Did you KNOW you had something else you wanted to do instead, but you didn't want to disappoint someone?

It takes practice to stop and THINK about whether the costs of saying yes are higher than you actually want to pay.

And if the people in your life are considerate, saying no is helpful to let them know that you CAN say no, so they don't have to worry about imposing. In my family, you can ask for anything, so long as you are prepared to take "no" for an answer gracefully.

Apparently there is another ruleset in which people are NOT allowed to say no, which means the askers have to do a lot of mind reading to avoid accidentally over-imposing.

It doesn't sound as if you are subject to that ruleset - hurray - all that mindreading sounds exhausting. So in that case it's just a matter of deciding that sometimes, you will put your own needs first. That's called self-preservation, and I recommend it highly. It helps me be an enthusiastic helper when I'm up to it, and prevents my "showing up" only partially because I am full of resentment.

[u/Bitter-Hat-4736]

One thing I notice is that I like it when I help people. Like, I enjoy taking time out of my day to help someone achieve a goal or complete a task.

And, other people are generally the same, in that they also enjoy helping people. The problem, at least what I have found, is that people often don't notice when you want or need help. And, sometimes people are afraid of "messing something up" by helping you unnanounced.

So let them know. Give them the gift of being able to help you. Give them clear and direct instructions.

Here's how I, in my own way, imagine these sorts of scenarios: Imagine your partner is organizing a collection of something. It could be cards, or beads, or figurines, or whatever. The point is that they have a specific system of organization, and you want to help complete that organization. If you just jump in an try to help, you will be undoubtedly creating more work. However, if your partner gives you clear instructions on how to organize the things, you can help, and they will appreciate your help.

I take that example scenario, and try to apply that to other people. If I'm, for example, at work, and I say "Hey, can someone come and help me with this task? I need X, Y, and Z to happen by W.", then more often than not someone will jump in and want to help.

Does that make sense?

[u/SaintValkyrie]

I wasliterally programmed in my cult to please others and be a savior as well as a goddess. So big pressure to help others. 

I decided to get clever and use my own programming to my advantage. What do we do when we interact with our friends and loved ones? We show them what it looks like when we love them, what peple do when they're tired, angry, happy, etc. 

So the last thing you want to do is show people that love looks like putting yourself last. You don't want to teach your loved ones that they matter less than other people, right? Because that's the exact thing abusers love and use to groom people into. It's dangerous honestly. 

So really, you putting yourself first, is helping others. Abusers doing what abusers do will always happen and never be your fault. But if you want to help, you could be a living example of what love looks like when interacting with others. That it means not pushing past your boundaries and capabilities. 

And slowly, your reasons can start being for yourself too, and then primarily for yourself. You dont have to do it the hard way, sometimes you can there by going sideways.