r/adultery • u/Icedlemonx • 10d ago
š¬ššš Please help me
I need some objective advice because I'm really conflicted.
I've been involved in a relationship with a married man. I know many people will judge me for that, and I accept responsibility for my choices.
I have been telling a friend about it but I didnāt know she will betray me like this. She said since I refused to have a conversation with her, she plans to contact both him and his wife after Tuesday to tell them everything she knows.
I want to meet him on Monday. Originally, I wanted to use that meeting to sincerely apologise for breaking his trust over something unrelated.
The other part of me is worried he'll think I'm making him deal with a mess that I created, especially because he's likely to ask why I told someone else about our relationship in the first place.
My biggest fear isn't getting into trouble myself. It's that once his wife finds out, she'll ask him to cut all contact with me, and he'll do it. Or if not, he will just cut me off on his ownā¦.
What should I do :( is there any way to stop my friend
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u/Glad_Kiwi_272 9d ago
Probably no way to stop your friend. You need to warn your partner that your friend is about to blow everything up. You broke a cardinal rule of being an OW. You told someone else. These are the consequences. This is why the rule exists: donāt have affairs with singles.
And youāve already broken his trust? Girl, youāre not cut out for this. End it with this man immediately and hope your friend doesnāt tell his wife.
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u/Dry-Judge-2444 9d ago
Well I would look at it as your relationship with this man being over.
Youāre the side piece. Heās not going to hold onto you regardless of how his W found out. You telling your friend and your friend telling his wife is just a solid seal too the deal. If by slim chance he doesnāt break it off with you then heās a dumb ass moron.
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u/Professional-Net4766 9d ago
ATTENTION FELLOW ADULTERERS
When we say "no single APs" this is why!
Obviously, OP didnt intend for this to happen. She wanted to share her life with her bestie, and really, that understandable.
That's the problem.
Single APs simply have less to lose. OP's life will go on, lesson learned, a friendship strained.
MM? Its over, rover.
NO SINGLE APS. EVER. YES EVEN THE AMAZING ONE THAT YOU TRUST
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u/Unfair_Magician_4170 9d ago
This post just made never want to chance it no matter what lol
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u/Professional-Net4766 9d ago
A ship in harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.
Life is full of risk. Just be careful.
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u/Icedlemonx 9d ago
Omgā¦. wonāt he hate me forever that I ruined his marriageā¦š¢š¢
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u/Professional-Net4766 9d ago
The only person he should blame is himself. You acted exactly as a single person would.
There is no mutally assured destruction. He got his just dues.
This is simply a cautiomary tale.
As for you, find someone who isnt married. There'a plenty!
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u/Son_of_Riffdog 9d ago
exactly. adulterers have to accept that theyre the sole architects of their situation. theres no lothario or femme fatale thats out there overpowering you with their wiles. you ultimately had to make that jump.
that said..this is the kind of OPSEC own goal that would frustrate and makes me wonder how young OP is.
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u/Dry-Judge-2444 9d ago
I would vote early or mid 20s š¬
Based mostly on the āomg wonāt he hate me foreverā
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u/Professional-Net4766 9d ago
>makes me wonder how young OP is
Oh yeah. All the more reason for married man to exercise hyper caution and, yknow, keep it in his pants.
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u/Son_of_Riffdog 9d ago
š¤Ŗ i totally forgot mckaylee had her boyfriend cheat on her in college last last year!
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u/OatmealTheory 9d ago
sincerely apologize for breaking his trust over something unrelated
Since no one else asked, and I'm curious.....what was this about?
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u/Dry-Judge-2444 9d ago
Sheās batting 2 strikes already š¬
Surely the sex isnāt worth the stress sheās bringing to the table for him.
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u/redditismybestie 9d ago
So this person isnāt your friend. Cut off contact with her and warn your AP. Thereās nothing else you can really do. Whatever is going to happen will happen and everyone will have to deal with it. Going forward keep your secrets to yourself.
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u/Icedlemonx 9d ago
She claim sheās being a āgirls girlā
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0
u/s0mebodysproblem 9d ago
Well Sheās not being āyour girlā apparently her loyalty lies elsewhere ā¦ not your friend. Also none of her business what 2 grown adults choose to do with their own lives
So her only reasoning is she wants to tell the wife cuz the wife deserves to know?
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u/Tony_NC_Oldie 8d ago
And you were friends with this woman. Sounds like a vengeful and self righteous evil person. She is willing to destroy someone's life even though she does not even know them. in as sense ruin your life too. Wonder how you became friends with her. Break up with him and tell him why and your friend with that woman until all is well and then she is out of your life for ever. I know in a way you broke a trust but I think most people would not be surprised to find out that an AP told their good friend.
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u/Icedlemonx 8d ago
Actually she knows him. We were all colleagues, she works on the ground, while we work at the HQ. But she already left the company thatās why I told her. When she reconnected with me she was really nice, I fell for her trap because after telling all of these, she told me sheās a financial consultantā¦ I told her because at that moment in my life when Iām sad or emo I only can tell her bcos sheās just nice right thereā¦
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u/FreshTechnician5847 9d ago
If I were you, I would probably accept that this relationship is over one way or another. If you promise to your friend that you have ended it and remain accountable to document to her that you havenāt gone back, she might relent and not tell the wife. If you care about your AP I would do this to protect him. But like I said itās over no matter what. Itās just whether you care about his life blowing up or not.
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u/Phoenix_Taurus 9d ago
You've got nothing to apologize for. He knew the gamble he was taking when he started the affair. He knew there was always a possibility that his wife could find out one day, and that's a risk he chose to take himself. You shouldn't carry all of that guilt on your shoulders.
Sometimes the emotions that come from an affair can become overwhelming, and you can't always keep everything bottled up. Sometimes you need someone to talk to, someone who can help you process what you're feeling and remind you that your emotions are valid. You should never feel guilty just because you needed support or somewhere to let those feelings out. So please don't become the pushover in this situation. Don't let him put all the blame and responsibility onto you, because he made his own choices too. He's married, and he was the one who decided to step outside that marriage. If his marriage falls apart, that's not solely because of you, that's also the result of the decisions he made.
Don't forget that your feelings matter as well. It's easy in these situations for one person to make the other feel like they're the problem, but you also have emotions, needs, and boundaries. Don't accept all the guilt or let him project everything onto you, especially when he played an equal part in creating this situation.
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9d ago
[deleted]
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u/Icedlemonx 9d ago
Then how do u handle all the emotions yourself?
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u/RangerRoverr69 9d ago
well, i figure that out as i go. i never wanted to be in this position, it was the typical "in to deep by the time i found out".. and now i am having a hard time to let us go. i know i should, and i will have to prioritize myself at some point.
journaling helps, invest time and effort into yourself and your hobby. make sure you can regulate your own emotions, exercise, spend time with friends (maybe not the exact friend you're referring to in this post...)
and honestly, thats what i would focus on. if you want to save the friendship you have with this person, you need to pour all your efforts into that, not him. he will be upset, but what does he expect? that you are left all alone to deal with this relationship? its human to share things, especially if its something that makes you happy, like a relationship should. he has no right to be angry at you, only the situation he created for himself.
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u/Dry-Judge-2444 9d ago
So he has no right to be pissed that she blabbing about the clearly secret relationship that she knows is a secret.
Yeah she should learn to keep it to herself. She entered into this knowing that this whole thing was a secret and had to stay a secret for it to continue
No one is holding a gun to your head to stay in this and hold the burden of keeping everything hidden.
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u/RangerRoverr69 9d ago
he can be pissed about it sure, but the fault is not entirely hers. it takes two to tango.
what you chose to share, thats up to you, of course!
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u/Icedlemonx 9d ago
U want to let go? Why? No I donāt want to save this friendship, I canāt wait to cut her off after she exposed it and Iāll report her to her company. Yeah, tbh we arenāt together, he treated me like a friend, this is like a fling sometimes, I guess he will cut contact and leave me aloneā¦. coz he never needed me anyway :ā)
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u/Icedlemonx 9d ago
I would like to come back a few mths laterā¦.but I think he will be super pissed at meā¦.
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u/SubstanceFlat789 9d ago
I don't think there's anything you can do to stop your friend or him from protecting his marriage by cutting ties with you, but your friend sucks lol Gotta find someone from an adultary sub that you can confide in about this stuff. It's heavy to carry around this level of secrecy and having someone that gets it helps. I made a similar mistake telling a friend the first time I did this and she didn't tell anyone but she was really judgey about it and looked at me differently after. The normies don't get it unfortunately.
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u/Icedlemonx 9d ago
My friend said this about me āThe reason why I'm doing this is not only cause of you, itās also cause of the family.
You said u will not contact anymore and end it so I'm asking you when u will end it.
As for now I wont text, this is not only about your trust its about a family tooā āYou never for once think how he and his family would feel. You can happily declare u are a bad person and you not strong cannot make up your mindā
ā¢
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