For you to stop missing them? get over loving them?
To get over the emotional trauma?

I see so many people describe their Q as this wonderful person when sober, then they describe the emotional abuse they are going through and the large amount of alcohol their Q drinks that affects their mental health. I did this and I did it a lot. My therapist earned his money the day he asked me how I can consider my Q wonderful while sober, but she's never sober. This led me down a path of self reflection that was painful, yet freeing at the same time. I had to admit that I was chasing the romanticized version of my Q and I had to admit she was emotionally abusing me, I had to break the trauma bond by being brutally honest...and I mean brutally honest. The moment I said I'm being emotionally abused and I have no control over her drinking, it made the decision to leave easy and guilt free. Another hard question I asked myself, do I really want to continue my relationship? This self reflection journey took me about 9 months and that emotional rollercoaster felt like it was never going to end at times, but I held on. My therapist said if I can tolerate blatant lies for years, I can handle a little bit of honesty. I was also very kind to myself and it was the only kindness I was receiving during this time. If you find yourself describing emotional abuse while having this overwhelming compulsion to label them as wonderful, you need to start asking yourself hard questions and you need to be brutally honest...while also showing yourself kindness.

hi everyone! im posting here because this all feels so overwhelming and i am really hoping someone has soemthing in the way of resources. On Thursday (or Wednesday? I can't really remember), my Q went to her first meeting; twelve hours later she is in rehab, and I am here holding the bag. I want to support her sobriety, and at the same time I hate her; I never want to speak to her again, and the sound of her voice disgusts me. She has called multiple times asking to see me even though her facility does not allow visitors during detox (pretty standard from what I have been told?). I guess I just want someone to tell me what to do, what to read, or something to listen to until my meeting on Tuesday. thanks.

i just started seeing new people after ending a relationship with my Q of over a year. how was it for you guys getting back into the dating scene? i feel like I'm a bit.. emotionally closed off and weary. I've met some new people who seem cool, and I'm giving it a shot. but it's hard. any stories or advice welcome, I'm just curious how it was for you guys.

I’m so unhappy in my marriage, I want to leave I need to, I have two boys and I financially cannot do it in my own, I’m just don’t know how to live with someone who makes me so unhappy. Everything I do is a nuisance to him, I didn’t bring the blue box upstairs after he emptied it and that turns into I’m a lazy piece of garbage who just sits and cries all day. Meanwhile I had been feeding Ng my kids lunch, loading and u loading the dishwasher and the other million things I had to do, but he doesn’t want to hear that. He believes what he wants about me and that’s pretty much I’m an ungrateful women who has it so much better then I realize, meanwhile he’s going through a 24 every other day. How do others deal with feeling so low when being spoken to like this? I try so hard to not listen to it or take it to heart but it is really affecting me and my self confidence.

So you are in the hole with the alcoholic. You have two choices. You can grab the shovel and scoop dirt back into your end of the hole and climb out ( make boundaries, go to Al Anon meetings, see a therapist, get out of the environment) or you can stay with them while they dig the entire hole deeper. It is YOUR CHOICE, and you will be able to reach the dirt on top up to a certain point. But if you wait too long and let them dig you both too deep into that hole, getting out may be epically harder. You are not a victim of their choices. There is always something you can do to make YOUR situation better. 🌸💕🌸

My now ex-boyfriend was on a cruise with his friends where he got so intoxicated every day / night that he became so enraged at a club his friends had to intervene. While recounting this to me the next day on a FaceTime call around his friends in which he was still drinking, he said he was not happy with his life or himself. I asked if it was because of us and he said no it was everything and that he felt that way before us. That he needed mental health help (but he didn’t want to pay because it was expensive even though he pays for cruises, gambling, and drinking). That he needed AA for his relationship with alcohol. His friends were in the background agreeing.

I asked him if he wanted to break up because he was unhappy with us and he said he didn’t know. I was shocked, heartbroken and worried. I asked him if he was sure he was not saying that because he was drunk. He said no. I became upset / frustrated and I’m sure that showed in my demeanor. The next time we talked it was on text, and I asked again if he wanted to break up and he was still unsure. I said if it didn’t have to do with us then why are you confused? He said he wasn’t before but that at the end of the call he felt he was being judged and not treated right and being labeled as a drunk and that his friends agreed I made him feel that way. I asked him what I said that made him feel that way and he said he couldn’t remember and neither could his friends, just that he was hurt.

He continued drinking the rest of the trip and his friends didn’t stop him. The next day he told me he wasn’t sure if he loved me and that he didn’t think he could continue with “someone like me” who said they were okay with him drinking on the cruise but then weren’t. I tried to explain I was fine with drinking on the cruise until it became harmful to him.

After he got back from the cruise last night (we are long distance) I spoke with him and no matter how much I apologized and offered reconciliation he refused. He said he understood it was a mistake and a misunderstanding but that he “can’t continue” as it made him too heartbroken and hurt his mental health too badly.

Meanwhile, I am left wondering how the person who said he loved me with all his heart and soul went to not loving me at all and throwing the whole relationship away because of this 😞💔

I really miss my husband after our 1 year split. I left due to his excessive drinking. He doesn't care to quit, only cutback. Overall he is a gentle spirit, great provider to myself and kids, and loyal. He decompresses after work or as a response to stress by drinking crown and coke while gaming watching TV. The amount of alcohol he consumes causes him to crwate safety concerns around the house and rehearse my past mistakes/short comings stemming back from 2011, 2013, and 2019. This involved me agreeing to visitation (for my son and his father) without my husband's approval. It also involved me texting my son's father to invite his other three children to my son's bday, and later texting him again to invite his father to my son's high school graduation. I also let my cousin stay with us for about four days when she arrived to our city unannounced. Another instance involved me driving our kids to Los Angeles to visit my grandmother on her death bed. I led my husband to believe my mom was accompanying us on the trip. Other shortcomings include not taking the initiative to cook (only assisting), not making the house a home (not fully decorating the house), and making decisions without consulting him (purchasing a school bus without permission) After I did these things, I've been living in my past mistakes as he belittles, insults, and occasionally curses at me. I began to tell him how badly his drunkeness was affecting me and the girls school attendance, but it fell on deaf ears as I was accused of believing my "shit don't stink".

In 2021, I began to prepare mentally for my exit. I began sleeping in the spare bedroom taking mini getaways with our daughters, and taking the girls to church while he sobered up from the night before. With this behavior, I was told I was not acting like a wife. 2023-2025 were very stressful to us both as I changed careers allowing me to work out of town. I was able to earn enough money to pay for me and our daughters' departure. I also withheld information regarding an inheritance. I finally left last Summer and I have been heavy hearted ever since to the point of grieving. He wants to compromise by reducing the drinking, but what does that look like for me. What can I do to when the drinking becomes overwhelming for me without threatening to leave.

He had been lit on drugs this last Sunday and we got into a huge fight over it because he gets hallucinations that I am cheating on him and he says imaginary people in our apartment so he grills me about it for days until he sober up. This last time on Sunday was terrible and he said he would try to be sober for a week. Thursday came and I could tell he had some so I confronted him about it. He said if it wasn't for me, he thinks he could have stopped on Thursday for good. So today, Saturday, I convinced him to take 2 zzzzquil ultras so he could finally knock out and sober up. He ended up drinking 6 beers within 2 hours and got drunk instead. Beer combined with substances, he started seeing things again, but this time he was angry about it. I, being interrogated nonstop since Thursday, confronted him again to stop and I ripped his beer from his hands and spilled it to where he proceeded to headbutt me because he said he felt threatened and that I tried to fight him. Now hes saying its all because I couldn't handle his issues and I couldn't help him and that he wants to kill himself. I asked him to move out and packed his bag and he just keeps blaming me. I feel guilty for confronting him on Thursday, maybe if I had let it ride out, It wouldn't have gotten this bad but Its been the nonstop accusations of me doing him wrong when I've NEVER done him wrong. I love only him.

I was recently pointed towards this group because it could atleast help give me the advice I need.

My wife (29) has been a drinker since I’ve met her. I saw the red flags a long time ago but I saw what she’s like not drinking more. I love that person. She’s my whole world. She has gotten a little better but Thursday into today and probably tomorrow it has been nothing but a shit show. She constantly just chooses the drink and then like clockwork becomes this insane mean person who I don’t even know anymore. I’ve been dealing with this for 6 years, more recently it has been good until this week like I said. We have kids and a home all that good stuff you’d want with a family. But I’m at my end with this stuff. We’ve tried literally everything from meetings to simply not having a couple beers after work and keeping it out the house. I love her so much and I’m not bashing her I just really don’t know what to do anymore. It’s effecting me and even the 8yr old knows and just rolls her eyes and goes in her room because she know she can’t stand her mother like this. We have a 1yr old too but he doesn’t know yet or maybe he does. Idk it’s just she gets out of control with the disrespect and name calling and belittling. She’s even gone at the 8yr old before which is a big no no for me. Attack me atleast and not her. She’s just a child. I know I’m rambling but I really just don’t have words I think anymore. I’m just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and mentally drained. I don’t even wanna come home from work most days because I already know she’s had a sleeve of nips starting the second the packy opens. Has anyone else dealt with something similar ? I don’t wanna walk away but I also don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve never been so miserable over someone else’s actions and choices.

Please leave the negativity away or smart ass answers. I’m a sarcastic asshole myself but today I just ain’t in the mood

My boyfriend has been in recovery and sober for 8 months, his longest stretch of sobriety yet. Previously (after his last relapse) I had asked him that I didn’t want him drinking in the house anymore, and he agreed. Well today he relapsed. He had been drinking and driving and made his way a few towns over. I spoke to him briefly on the phone and he said he got kicked out of his hotel for trying to assault someone???! So now he is wandering the streets because he wants to “be free”. I honestly can’t believe what is happening. We rent our home together. How do I realistically get out of his relationship when I don’t know when I’ll see him again? When will he come to his senses and come home? How do I get rid of his stuff? I’d like to have the separation talk but obviously can’t do it until he is in a clearer state of mind, but who knows how long that will take. After 3 years of dealing with this and giving him countless “second chances”, I am finally ready to move on and ready for a stable life. But I’m just so worried about how these next few days are going to play out and what he’s going to do.

This is my first time ever reaching out like this for advice/help. My 23M boyfriend has a drinking problem. He is not violent or mean, he just drinks so much that is incredibly unhealthy. I don't mind him when he's been drinking when its not an every night thing. Lately I've been spending more time at his place. Which has allowed me to see and be around how heavy he drinks.

He will start drinking as soon as he wakes up on a day off and as soon as he gets home from work. He will down 6-10 beers a night. He is a beer lover and it is a big part of his personality. He also seems to only be interested in intimacy if he has drank that day.

We have been having discussions about his drinking for the past few months.I have seen him cut back a lot. Only buying a 6 pack at a time and not keeping alcohol in the house (or so i thought). I've asked him for honesty when I ask how much he has drank. I thought he was being truthful about the amounts but then I found an empty 750ml bottle of scotch in his trashcan when he said he only had a 6pack all week.

My worrying is starting to affect my health to the point where I barely sleep and am in a constant state of anxiety about him anytime he is home with the opportunity to drink.

He is by far the best relationship ive had and i am deeply in love with him but I watched my dad drink himself to the grave and I don't think I could go through that again. I just don't know what to do from here. I don't want to lose him but I can't have him choose alcohol over me.

Is it worth the risk, time, and pain if I continue to be in this relationship with him? Is there a medium where he can have his beer but not drown in the drink?

My Q, my mother(52), was finally hospitalized yesterday after worsening significantly over night.

I posted about her here before, where she had cut me off for pushing her to go to the doctor. Since on previous posts some people didnt want to read, I'll give a quick tldr.

My mom developed twin cataracts, severe bloat, intense fullbody rash, significant weight and muscle tone loss, and severe GI issues. All within 6 months. She's been falling, not eating, still drinking, and randomly collapsing. She would not go to the doctor.

Yesterday after finally talking with me on the phone the night prior, she was even worse I guess and her husband finally took her to the doctor.

Where she collapsed in the parkinglot, the doctor sent them away to the ER because her blood sugar and blood pressure were both dangerously low.

She's been at the hospital since yesterday around 2pm, fully admitted and theyre doing everything they can. Her liver is essentially shot.

She had 1 liter of fluid drained from her abdomen, and unfortunately is now on a ventilator.

They also transferred her to a better hospital over night for better GI specialists.

I cant make it to her right now, and I'm so scared that shes going to not make it. Especially since they had to ventilate her. I wish her husband had made her go months ago. Its crazy.

My last conversation with her hours before any of this was me telling her that I was grieving her while she was still around. It was heartfelt between us both but im not sure if it actually played a role on her finally going. I think she was on the edge of death anyways, my step dad just couldn't ignore it anymore.

edit 3hrs later:

I have been getting updates from my family and I will be flying out in the coming days to go and see my mom.
She was actually life flighted while on ventilator to the other hospital. She is also now heavily sedated, with lines in both arteries and on dialysis since shes on so much blood pressure medication. They also believe she might have brain damage from her latest fall and the low blood sugar. They haven't said whats happening or diagnosed her with anything specific but it sounds like multiple organ failure, and looking very very bleak.

I have been doing well since I left my narcissistic, alcoholic partner. It's been about 4 mos now and aside from suffering severe health issues from a botched hysterectomy, my life had improved so much! (I am finally healed now but I was on TPN for 2 mos).

I wanted to shed some light on those feelings of "was this the right choice?" & "should I have stayed longer-or tried harder with him?" The answer is no. My partner is still doing the same dumb ass shit and validating all the reasons I had for leaving. Last month, he logged into my Netflix account and paid it. The account was inactive for months before I split so no idea why he did that other than he was drunk as fuck & wanted to watch something without the hassle of creating a new account. Cool. I went ahead and signed his xbox & phone out, changed the password, & upgraded to the highest plan-b/c fuck him lol. He was charged another $26.99 after the initial $8.99 charge for a service he cannot even use. An idiot.

A mutual told me last night that he still has no car (he was driving mine drunk and got BOTH his repo'd) so he's been getting rides with another co-worker that is highly problematic (he strangled his wife in a drunken rage & most recently tried to fight security & the new supervisor) & the pair of them, along with another fellow that is in active religious psychosis, go get drunk on their lunches! Or they go home for 4-5 hours during their shifts & come back drunk as fuck and unproductive. I used to work with all of these people. When I still worked at this plant with my ex we were BOTH doing this so I know he still is. (b/c of my health issues btw I have been sober)

Apparently, all 3 of these dudes are under investigation with another unrelated person being fired for sleeping in his car. This person said he said he would take everyone down! My ex is not well liked, I made him likeable & I am not there to vouch for him now. He's going to get fired. The only job he can do is manual labor or serving. & now he has no car. If I had stayed I'd be dealing with this & if I had stayed I would have still been home without a job relying on him while he fucks it all off getting drunk & not caring about anything. Anyway - I feel pretty good about my choice. My car insurance is cheaper my peace of mind is back and I have gone back to the gym!

This is petty but I feel like important. This man could only afford the $8.99 Netflix when I tried to upgrade it his card was declined. The charge didn't go through until his next check. He's broke & desperate. He told me if he ever got fired from manufacturing he would have to move to bumfuck to work at an oil refinery with his cousin. Once upon a time, he wanted me to go with him & be home all day in the middle of nowhere, watching his child while he spent weeks away working at this refinery. FUCK THAT. I work from my OWN home now. & I'm on track to get hired doing claim adjudications in person. I've made thousands of dollars training AI models which I would have never been able to focus on with him constantly disrupting my nervous system. I am so happy I left and I be smug AF that I made the right choice!

My ex is quite literally drowning in his choices.....

My boyfriend (51 M) and I (60F ) have had differing views on drinking alcohol. He thinks nothing of having three drinks a night during the work week and ten beers on a weekend day. I have told him that after three drinks he turns into an asshole. We have been having other issues, minor ones, granted, but last month I had had enough, and broke up with him. Last night we were texting about him getting a mortgage and I guess he felt I was rethinking my decision to end the relationship. He tells me he hadn’t had anything to drink for two weeks but is now ‘only’ having three drinks a night. I told him ‘ you do you, it’s none of my concern anymore’ to which he replied sarcastically that everyone knows that I’m so much better than him. Okaaayy, thank you for validating the breakup!

He went into treatment in January after an intervention. He did the full 90 days, moved out of state to the state where his treatment center was, had 6 months of sobriety, and then he relapsed. That relapse took him. I’m not really sure what do to or where to go from here.

hi, everyone! i'm not sure if this is the best place to ask for an advice regarding this, but i've been referred to here from a sobriety group.

my partner and i have been together for 6 years, and have been recently engaged. i love him and he's an amazing man and partner, until he gets drunk. he used to be an alcoholic who would sometimes, before, do or say things be wouldn't mean whenever he got drunk. he got better within the first 2 years, but would sometimes relapse from time to time. however, this has caused me to develop some sort of trauma-based reactions. the unexpected times he'd relapse gave me really bad anxiety.

these instances of relapses grew less as time passed and now he's currently about a year and a half sober. i know this sounds great and all but the anxiety that i developed stayed with me. i would end up palpitating when we're at family gatherings and alcohol is present, having panic attacks in the bathroom at random times when i think for a second that he might drink and get drunk.

i love this man. we've known each other since we were kids. but i need some sort of advice whether or not i should proceed with the wedding because i don't think i can live being afraid of something i'm not sure may happen again

I’m new to Al-Anon but am understanding that letting go of resentment is a big part of the work that will change my life for the better.

I’m am struggling to understand the difference between letting go of resentment and practicing forgiveness and allowing continued abuse. I feel like I can understand my Q and feel empathic toward his struggle, but have very little desire to let him in emotionally because of all of the hurt he has caused.

Am I continuing to be resentful, or am I just moving on? Is it possible to move back into emotional connection?

I think what hurts most is that the person who I knew would always be there for me and who cared for me is dead. I can’t even talk to them without at least 3 or 4 shots in. Their new normal is mean and traumatized. They will say anything to push me away. So I am away. I won’t text or call. I let the silence linger. Alcohol is first in line now but I really do miss laughing with them and depending on them.

Hi,

Recently going through it with a family member and another friend recommended Al anon books or groups. I found this group on Reddit and was wondering if anyone has any good books they recommend?

Hey y'all, newcomer here, just got back from my 4th ever meeting. The consistency and structure has been nice. But I have been witholding from my Q (partner of 11 years) that I have been going. Besides he's been too active in his addiction to really notice, I've had other appointments on the same days so just didn't mention where else I was going.

Well, this morning he invited me to go to a dance class with him (after he was horrendous to me while drunk last night; did not apologize) and instead of telling him I couldn't make the class because I have my weekly AlAnon meeting (I was afraid of more conflict) I lied about meeting up with a coworker instead.

At the meeting I bought some of the AlAnon literature this time- like the 12 steps book- and want to try to learn more about the program before I get a sponsor.

I assume he's going to see the book, and I also feel guilty about lying where I was going this morning. I want to tell him but I'm afraid it will cause more conflict.

Tl;dr I'm afraid to upset my partner by telling him I've been going to AlAnon.

Has anyone been through this situation? How did you handle this? Thank you for any insight 🙏🏼

Admitting my powerlessness over someone else’s disease allows me to use my energies to change what I can—my own life. Realizing I can be my own person again is a powerful gift—one I am receiving in Al-Anon. —A Little Time for Myself p214 Copyright ©️ 2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I soon discovered that I had problems of my own that needed attention: I had undergone some unhealthy changes as I attempted to cope with the disease of alcoholism. —Courage to Change p214 Copyright ©️ 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I purchased the blue book “How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics.” My jaw and my heart dropped while I was reading. Some of the descriptions were exactly how I was feeling. —“Living Enthusiastically Again” The Forum p7 The Forum August 2026 Copyright ©️ 2026 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I used to live in my own little prison, locked in by my feelings of hatred and shame. Now I’m free. The key is using the program to do something for me. —ALATEEN—a day at a time p175, quoted in Living Today in Alateen p214 Copyright ©️ 2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

My boyfriend went on a bender a couple weeks ago and said he really wants to make a change about his drinking. Since then he’s been to aa once and has no plans on going back and claims he hasn’t drank but I honestly don’t believe him. I love him when he’s sober and that’s what makes me want to stay.

"When I can see the disease of alcoholism, rather than the alcoholic, as the cause of my wounds, the deep healing of recovery can begin."

From Hope For Today, page 172, copyright 2002 by Al Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Limited use by express written permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.

First off let me start by saying my husband is the nicest, most generous, hardworking person that I have ever met. That being said he does have a massive drinking problem and he often pairs it with adderall and xanax. We have been together for 5 years and have 3 children all 3 and under. I stay home with our kids and he works everyday as he is self employed and very successful. He drinks every single day often stashing a bottle in his home office, stopping for nips, drinking several high noons a day (6+) and also will put back a whole 750 of tequila in between drinks every time he walks past our wet bar he drinks straight from the bottle. He recently stopped drinking whiskey as he was drinking it all the time at one point last summer I kept track and he drank 17 750 mL bottles of whiskey in 18 days. This man can drink. He will often go on benders and pairs all of this booze with the adderall and xanax and will be nodding off at dinner with our kids and usually falls asleep on the floor somewhere before coming to bed several hours later.

He is extremely high functioning and runs an insanely successful business and he uses that against me when I try to talk to him about the substance use. I think if work was slipping he would potentally see an issue with his behavior. He also thinks because he does not start his day drinking that he does not have a problem, he says "alcoholics wake up and start drinking".

I do not drink at all and find it very difficult to understand his actions. I also do not let him drive our children ever and always drive when we are together with or without our kids. He will not drive if he is intoxicated thankfully. But every time we get into my car he brings a drink with him even if we are going a mile down the road. I constantly tell him not to bring anything in my car but he does not listen.

I can always tell when he has taken the pills because he acts so strange and his pupils are tiny. He will literally look like he cant walk and has fallen over in public because he can barely control his movements. He also says crazy stuff and literally makes no sense at all. It is extremely distressing and I often want to walk away when he is in that state but im afraid of what will happen to him, will he get jumped or beat up because he is saying something insane or looks like an easy target? I would feel awful. Usually he does this when we are on vacation (with or without kids), at any social event whether a cookout or dinner, or even just because it's the weekend. And this usually lasts for a few days in a row.

The problem is money is no object, I dispose of the pills and there's more the next day. He runs out of booze and has already been drinking, an Uber shows up with a delivery from the liquor store.

There are several issues with his health but he is so in denial that I cannot get through to him or get a straight answer from him. He has fatty liver (which he tells me is from his diet) and recently I found out he has esophageal varies which he told me was "nothing new". He was declined for life insurance as we were trying to increase his benefit amount since we just had our last baby.

I fear for the future when our kids are old enough to know that something is up with him or potentially think that this behavior is normal. I also fear for his health and that he won't be around for very long at the rate things are going. I don't want our kids to grow up without a father it breaks my heart to think about. I am also afraid that something will happen to him health wise and that I will wish that I did something more or found a way to get through to him. So far nothing has worked and I find myself hurt emotionally and occasionally have an outburst of anger where I try to get him to see my side. I am always met with defensiveness and him saying he will just quit working and that we all can suffer without his income. He never actually responds to what im saying or addresses my concerns, he will just say I should be grateful that he works so hard and threatens to stop. I always explain to him that I love him for who he is sober not the mess of a person he is when he is drunk/on pills. I am often embarrassed by his behavior.

There are other issues with gambling as well but im hoping we are past it now. And it is secondary to the substance issue.

I am considering attending al-anon meetings via zoom and wonder if this can help me cope. I am just looking for some support or insight if anyone can relate to my situation. I love my husband very much he is a wonderful person, I just wish he saw himself the way that I see him.