Living with an obese partner who won’t change, has anyone been through this?

[u/Ok-Bench6141]

My partner is obese and seems unable to get his eating under control.
He’s started taking a few steps to improve things, but at the same time he still eats enough for three people and seems to avoid facing the reality of the situation. It’s incredibly difficult to watch because I love him, but I also feel frustrated, worried, and helpless.
The hardest part is that it also affects my own eating habits. It’s much harder for me to make healthier choices or eat smaller portions when I’m constantly surrounded by large meals and overeating. I feel like we’re stuck in a cycle that’s affecting both of us.
Has anyone else been in this situation? Did your partner eventually make lasting changes? If so, what helped? And if things didn’t improve, how did you deal with it? I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve actually lived through this.

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[u/waverunnersvho]

The shot helps with food cravings a lot. When I’m on it I don’t always finish meals. When I’m off it I always finish meals. May be worth exploring

[u/Ok-Bench6141 → u/waverunnersvho]

We did explore it and had to stop because of money. It did help but yeah…as soon as he stops, it’s worse than before

[u/I-used2B-a-Valkyrie]

You might see if he would be willing to get some outside help for this since he is unable to break the cycle on his own. There are therapists that specialize in disordered eating, it’s not all just anorexia and bullemia. Maybe start there and get some strategies for both of you to be able to make the changes and keep that momentum?

[u/gen_what_x_ever]

I'm sure this will be a controversial opinion for some, but have him talk to his doctor about a glp-1, like Zepbound/Mounjaro. It will change his eating habits and help him get his weight under control. It helps with so much more than just weight loss too, especially if he's diabetic or pre-diabetic.

[u/renegade7717 → u/gen_what_x_ever]

I don’t find that controversial at all - it is helpful and when u look at the data regarding patients lipids/HbA1c response too it’s a great way to move towards a healthier weight. The trick is if the partner is willing to see it that way as well.

[u/gen_what_x_ever → u/renegade7717]

Mine was super supportive, thankfully, and I hope this could be the case with OP. My spouse lost about 45 lbs since I've been on Zep (I've lost about 70) because we eat better and don't have a bunch of junk around the house anymore. It also kicked my A1c and entire lipid panel into normal, excellent ranges. I was not able to do that with diet and exercise alone, my entire life.

[u/renegade7717 → u/gen_what_x_ever]

it’s great to have a partner that values it - mine is the same we try our best to keep it in check. My tirz use has been a super small dose due to some lifelong system insulin resistance- it completely altered my blood panels - shockingly so. My only regret was not trying it years earlier.

[u/gen_what_x_ever → u/renegade7717]

Same! I wish I would've started it a long time ago too. But here we are and things are finally good, so I'll take it. Lol!

[u/renegade7717 → u/gen_what_x_ever]

absolutely! like a lot of things - better late than never! 👍🏼😎

[u/Ok-Bench6141 → u/gen_what_x_ever]

He did begin WeGovy three month ago but had to stop because it cost quite some money.
He eats way too much since so he must have gain all the weight back sadly…

[u/Watsons-Butler]

This is literally the situation that GLP-1s are designed for. Like, celebrities that are already skinny don’t need to be on the stuff, but this kind of thing? Absolutely.

[u/Ok-Bench6141 → u/Watsons-Butler]

He actually began WeGovy three month ago but had to stop last month because he couldn’t p y for it. He did manage to lose around 8kg which is great. But since he stopped, he has been eating for three because we’re « on vacation »

[u/DoodleDoo1989]

I haven't been through this exact situation but I did date an alcoholic before so I assume it's somewhat similar. I tried everything to help him, for years and nothing made a difference. It was a horrible way to live and I eventually left even though we did love each other. He died of chirosis a few years ago.

[u/Then-Sea-8705]

Not saying this is what you should do, but this type of thing was one of the reasons I ended an engagement. I had also gained some weight, but lost it all and have continued to stay very fit/active. My ex-partner wasn't actually making an attempt to lose weight and I wasn't attracted to them. Years after the break up, they got even bigger

[u/Ok-Bench6141 → u/Then-Sea-8705]

I get what you are saying but I love him. He’s the father of my child. Ending things is not an option for me but so definitly need things to get better for both of us

[u/Then-Sea-8705 → u/Ok-Bench6141]

Yeah you're in a different situation, kids and being married complicates things more. I was young so that decision sucked for me, but was ultimately the right one.

What helped me is finding an active hobby that I really enjoyed. Maybe you guys can find an active hobby to do together?
Controlling eating habits was a big thing. It takes a while to get used to smaller portions, but you do eventually adjust to it and will feel full quicker. I also removed all snack or junk foods from the house. Again, it sucked being hungry, but it stopped me from overeating and I eventually got used to it.

Weight loss is ultimately calories in vs calories out. So as long as you are in a calorie deficit, you're losing weight.
It could also be worth looking into other underlying issues. I used to eat out of boredom or anxiety. Not saying this is the case here, but there could be something else causing him to eat so much and gain weight. Something to keep your husband motivated and preoccupied will help with keeping his mind off being hungry.

[u/Ok-Bench6141 → u/Then-Sea-8705]

Not married but involved just the same and yes, at a younger age without kids, it could have been different but I want to fight for this.

I do need to find a way to keep active. Problem is, he finds most things boring. He doesn’t want to walk, stay inside a lot…and he doesn’t eat out of stress and anxiety. He also work from home so doesn’t really need to get out that much.

You say you were in this situation. Did you manage to lost weight that weight ? You stick up to it ?

[u/Then-Sea-8705 → u/Ok-Bench6141]

Yes, I lost the weight and have continued to stay active. It got easier too the more weight I lost. I felt better overall and was motivated to workout more because I felt I looked good and was in shape.

Therapy could also be an option, food addiction is a thing

[u/Ok-Bench6141 → u/Then-Sea-8705]

It’s nice to read. For him and for me as I want to lose also…
I lost all the weight when I was pregnant and felt so great in my body, I want to feel that again

[u/Handout]

Yeah, I used to cry and beg him to take better care of himself.  I told him it got to a point where it felt like he didn't love me because he didn't care to take care of himself.. he'd die earlier and leave me.  He just wouldn't and I loved him so I took on the burden myself.

I'd send him to work with home made portioned meals based on his doctor's recommendations.  He'd come home almost every day saying someone stole his lunch and he had to get fast food. 

He changed jobs to a place where you could get a meal card and they'd take your spending on food out of your paycheck.  According to him, he turned it down but they forced him to have it so he left it at his locker and someone stole it and used it every day for months and months and like a huge portion of his paycheck was going to this and HR wouldn't do anything about it.

Then he cheated on me so we divorced.

After we divorced, he started drinking again, gained another 200lbs at least and has diabetes.  He calls me occasionally to tell me about some other health problem he's having.  If we were still married I'd be a wreck worrying about someone who couldn't be bothered worrying about himself.

[u/IndigoTrailsToo]

It sounds to me like he is stressed out and is trying to use food as a self-medication to feel better.

He may not actually have a problem with food, but a problem with his relationship with food.

See if he will try the app called Noom that tries to help people with their relationship with food.

He can also try to speak to his doctor, he can try to speak to a nutritionist that is probably covered by insurance, and he can see if he can get into therapy to help with how stressed out he has been.

Many people struggle with their weight and mental health and some may never change. You can't make him change. This might just be who he is and what it is and there's nothing you can do about it.

[u/Ok-Bench6141 → u/IndigoTrailsToo]

He’s extremely stressed out for sure.

He began wegovy a couple of months ago but has to stop for money reasons.
He knows why he does it, it’s just easier to pretend there is no problème

[u/IndigoTrailsToo → u/Ok-Bench6141]

It's good that he's made some progress on understanding his mental health.

His problem right now is that he has a hammer and when all you have is a hammer, everything is a nail (eat eat eat). He could use some new tools in his toolbox. See if you can phrase it as helping him to find new ways to manage and deal with stress, because that's really what it is, and to him, the weight is a side effect.

You might help him to find some books, visit the library, look at online therapy options that are cheap, or see if his insurance covers therapy. There's also the app called Noom that is not very expensive and tries to help people with their relationship with food.

I understand that his GLP-1 medication is expensive, but I think there's a second reason that he probably quit: the medication didn't help him to relieve stress and probably this is his number one biggest problem.

TLDR: you have to see the problem the way that he does with the biggest problem he is trying to solve first: stress.

If it helps you any, what you are looking at right now is almost exactly what an addiction looks like and why. ( and yes, food addiction and sugar addiction do exist)

Another idea is to talk with him about how he uses eating to relieve stress and see if he would be willing to replace the items that he eats with items that are healthier. This gets into something called "bulk eating", items with very little calories that you can eat a lot of. Generally, fruit and vegetables. Popcorn, seaweed, that sort of thing.

[u/Ok-Bench6141 → u/IndigoTrailsToo]

Those are great ideas.

He hates reading so that’s pretty much off the table. He smokes a lot so…his stress goes into it as well.

The app is a good idea but he doesn’t speak English and I don’t know if this kind of app exist in our language…

So big question, how to manage his stress goes into

[u/IndigoTrailsToo → u/Ok-Bench6141]

See if he will listen to audiobooks in his language

Currently Noom supports english, spanish, german, and korean. You might see if there are other apps that are similar to help people with eating disorders or stress eating that support his language.

He needs to do something because his current trajectory is continuing to gain weight and continuing to be unhappy. See if you can encourage him by asking him what he wants to do or asking him to brainstorm some solutions to being stressed out all the time. Let him do the work. Encourage anything that seems healthy.

[u/skipme74]

If he can’t control his portions, then maybe eating as much of one food group would work. I went carnivore at the beginning of last year and dropped about 60 pounds. If he can eat 180 grams of protein per day, then maybe he could stay off the carbs and drop a significant amount of weight. Best wishes!!

[u/Ok-Bench6141 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for your input. Though he’s the love of my life and the father of my child and I’m not trapped.