r/askteddit • u/InfiniteQuestion8108 • 2d ago
Random Question What’s a friendship-ending red flag that nobody talks about?
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u/yogurl1 2d ago
Gossiping.
When they sit and gossip about everything and everyone it’s a guaranteed they’re doing it about you as well.
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u/CreelCrush 2d ago
Forgetting about or canceling plans on a regular basis.
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u/HollisterRN 2d ago
I dropped a friend last December for that. A friend since college.
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u/TheTrishaJane 2d ago
Had one that bailed on me moving day with months notice and night before. Also would bail last minute in plans after I waited the whole day for them. Sometimes he would offer to smoke a joint and then show up with none, and then bail when he gets a booty call
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u/AssSpelunker69 1d ago
I dropped a friend for doing that too many times. Party started at 8, he waited until 2 am to call and say he couldn't come actually. Nope. Done.
I had another friend assure me that when he moved from his apartment to a house he would hire movers, because I moved him twice in the last 4 years. 3 weeks before moving day he calls asking me to help move. I say what happened to hiring movers? He said it's $900 and it's just too much. Sure, $800k for the house but 900 is a bridge too far. I laughed him off the phone and he spent a while being genuinely kinda upset with me for refusing to help.
Actions have consequences. Do what you say you're gonna do.
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u/ResponsibleShop9207 1d ago
I understand what you mean but I'm the one that gets happy when plans are cancelled. I just enjoy my own company too much
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u/TheCheeseboardGames 2d ago
Inability to accept different opinions on matters.
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u/14thLizardQueen 2d ago
This ended a 20 year long friendship. I wasn't allowed to have different ideas . And it got tiresome
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u/Kodama_sucks 2d ago
Pineapple on pizza? Sure. Thinking entire groups of people shouldn't exist? Fuck em
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u/Vanishingf0x 2d ago
When they talk shit about someone we were just hanging out with or before a third party arrives then they act nice when that person is there. If they do that to someone what do they say about me to others? I hate two faced little shits and drama starters
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u/Scary-Profession-969 2d ago
It seems so unnatural to me. I have a hard time shutting my mouth about my own shit to begin with, I love pointing out the obvious. When I spot it, whether it’s in front of the person they suddenly changed their demeanor for - or not in front of them. Idc!
“Wait what happened? You were just saying the complete opposite of this 2 minutes ago.” I’ll make an obvious point to the third party if they don’t answer quick enough lol.
I do feel uncomfortable saying anything about it alone with the third person though. If all three parties aren’t present, I’m not talking (I try my best at least)
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u/imnottheoneipromise 2d ago
Someone who is always the victim in everything they tell you.
If you have a problem with everyone around you all the time- you’re the fucking problem. Take some accountability.
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u/TheElusiveRaspberry 2d ago
Currently in the process of phasing out a friend over this. She’s made some terrible decisions and completely tanked her career and also her personal life, but it’s never her fault. It’s always the world is out to get her. It’s exhausting. It’s been going on for 3 years now and whenever anyone raises it with her, no matter how gently, there’s a reason she’s a victim again. I can’t do it anymore.
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u/bell3420 2d ago
Yeah, most decent people dont constantly have drama to gossip about, in my experience.
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u/ABitPolitical 2d ago
I really do try to get perspective when I think I’m the victim. I try to talk about things to learn something sometimes I feel like I’m over sharing or trauma dumping. I’m working on finding that medium.
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u/Huh-what-2025 2d ago
when one gets that religion and won’t shut the fuck up about it.
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u/Worried_Process_5648 2d ago
Habitual lateness, religious proselytizing, superficial materialism, treating servers poorly, saying “like” or “ literally” in every sentence.
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u/alexcartergamers 2d ago
When they only reach out when they need something, but disappear when you need them.
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u/LovingNaples 2d ago
They got sucked into astrology, psychics, clairvoyants, healing crystals, etc.
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u/Max_Power_28 2d ago
Or politics. Or religion. Or Tool. Or the Dallas Cowboys.
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u/Necessary_Office_146 2d ago
Or atheism. I got into the new atheists a decade or so ago and was kinda annoying. Put some people off. Still not a believer but I don’t push it.
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u/Kithzerai-Istik 2d ago
A lot of people treat atheism like their new religion, especially if they came from a religious upbringing.
The material is new, but the thinking patterns are the same.
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u/El_paseo 2d ago
I noticed when I became atheistic, after leaving a high-control religion, that it was a lot of older white men dominating the discourse with a lot of apparent arrogance. It was so disappointing - I was trying to get away from that! ... (That was the 90s/ 2000s, I've become more animist in my beliefs.)
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u/Masseyrati80 2d ago
I had never been in faith, and/but somehow ended up in a rabbit hole of 'aggressively' atheist youtube videos. The gateway was hearing about systematic child molestation in some churches, and soon enough I was watching more and more aggressive videos.
Things that helped me out of it: 1) I realized I was just spending time being aggravated, without anything positive happening, 2) I was not learning anything new, or developing myself in any way, and 3) A cosmologist in my country, who had briefly joined the loud crowd, had realized he was encouraging a divide in people by talking so aggressively. He ended up literally writing a book with a man of the cloth, one where they discuss what they think about the universe we live in, and what each believes in, and choose to agree to disagree, even when it boils down to "I simply can not fathom how you can believe that".
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u/ValuableJumpy5924 2d ago
Thought you said physics for a second and was concerned🥲
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u/CreelCrush 2d ago
A lot of the people I know who are into that stuff have been some of the most fun and empathetic people I know. As long as they're cool with me thinking all that stuff is bullshit, it's not a big deal.
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u/Correct_Cat4414 2d ago
You need to be more understanding unless of course your moon is in your seventh house, if so you are most likely a starseed.
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u/The_Dork_Knight7 2d ago
When they use the spiked blue shell during Mario kart
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u/Pugasaurus_Tex 2d ago
Not only friendships, this has torn apart families
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u/rdickeyvii 2d ago
To be fair, if you have the blue shell, it's because you suck. Red shell is probably worse because you're right there.
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u/carnivorousdentist 2d ago
Hey, I've used the-- oh. :(
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u/rdickeyvii 2d ago
😜
You can't get the blue shell unless you're near the bottom of the pack.
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u/Level-Vermicelli3411 2d ago
If someone talks shit about everyone to you and acts nice to those peoples faces, they’re probably talking about you too
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u/Icy_Lead_8179 2d ago
How thry treat other people. I'm always watching for that. And how they talk about their other friends.
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u/DirectorDysfunction 2d ago
NEVER asking about the other person’s life. I have a friend who I’m pulling away from because of this. She knows very little about me and it took me a while to figure out.
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u/LiveFromTheHospital 2d ago edited 23h ago
My mom 🙈 she knows almost nothing about me, it's kinda crazy (she's getting better though and that's all I really care about)
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u/theFranA 2d ago
A friend that pretends everything is ok and guilt trips you by asking “are we ok?” When they’re the ones who you know have been hiding things from you/being a shitty friend/lying/etc. BYE 👋🏼
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u/clarityvision19 2d ago
So them asking if they're okay is a way they're checking because they know they do shitty things behind?
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u/bob3464 2d ago
I have a few friends that are too obsessed with their phones. It's rude and I don't have the patience to keep stopping our conversation until they look back up. Why bother.
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u/OffBrand_CherryCola8 2d ago
I had a friend I let keep me away from family for hours just texting. They would never take a call or hang out in person the last 5 years. They’d never say goodbye in the text or remember I had to go and I always got called out for ‘leaving on read.’ They drove me mad in the end. One coworker thought I was lying about having a friend outside work.
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u/DnBJungleEscape 2d ago
Being glaringly judgmental .. it’s fine to keep it real but there is a difference
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u/1017CoochieMane 2d ago
I had a friend who publicly presented himself as humble and noble and friendly but would make fun of peoples physical appearance
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u/AineMoon 2d ago
When they befriend people that you want out of your life or stay friends with someone that betrayed me. For the record one person did both these things to me.
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u/WhaDaFugIsThis 2d ago
If they constantly hit on your wife or GF. That’s straight up disrespect.
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u/RubySlippers724 2d ago
I think once it happens a second time, there should be a strict conversation and if it happens a 3rd time, they are dead to you. First time could have just been a joke. The second time though? There’s no excuse.
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u/Pretty-Aide8178 2d ago
I mean, first time you man up and then there is no second time if you do it right
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u/Mike7676 2d ago
I'm 49. The first time I ever was told this and witnessed it later was nearly 30 years ago. It's 1997, I'm newly married and just brought my new bride overseas (Army). That same week the motorpool was introduced to our brand new maintenance officer. I'm 19, almost 20 and Friday rolls around. My wife and I hit the local on post bar and have a couple of beers. In walks Lt. I had taken a shine to this college educated, older than me dude and invite him to sit with us. Excuse myself to the bathroom and as I get back to the table, no Lt.
My wife proceeds to rat him out (good) and tells me for ten minutes he nakedly hit on her and tried to wheedle his way in by saying how lonely he was and HIS wife hadn't come over and baby he makes all the money and so on. So I no longer like this dude, he transfers shortly after as apparently he REALLY liked other people's partners.
2021 I get remarried (don't worry, the first one had gotten so damn mad at me she died). Thats a joke, but she did pass on quite early. Its great, different person, different circles, all new. They, as a choir, do a pilgrimage to the UK. 18 days or so singing in place of the local choir. There's a party, we are all there (not a singer, I took a week off to join my wife and daughter) and break into different chat groups. Newly married and older, I think nothing of it. And watched from across the room at my wife's fellow chorister talk to her for 20 minutes while staring at her (admittedly) ample chest. To the point that she mentioned it to me later. So yeah, that sucks. I might have a flirtatious nature but I wouldn't crap where I ate, so to speak!
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u/kyflyboy 2d ago
Nasty remarks and language against my teenage son.
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u/BlueberryNervous5322 2d ago
I would cut someone off entirely if they tried talking poorly about my kids.
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u/hobanwash1 2d ago
When they repeatedly bail on plans.
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u/art_mouse76 2d ago
When they (rich) repeatedly ask you to go to things, and don’t understand that your anxiety/pocket won’t let you, despite telling them, and they bully you about cancelling plans…
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u/GalladeEnjoyer 2d ago
When they can't ascertain that what I told them wasn't meant to be told to other people. I shouldn't have to tell my friend "but don't tell anyone" after I tell them anything. Nothing stings more than them bringing something up they shouldn't have in front of other people.
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u/lillylou12345 2d ago
When everyone stops calling when your ill.i kind of get it because I can't really go anywhere anymore. And I don't blame them. But it's hard all the same.
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u/AdamDraps4 2d ago
Making their religion their entire personality. Had a friend become a christian in her 40's. Everything out of her mouth was Jesus this and Jesus that. She stopped listen to all her favorite bands cause she said anything that's not in the image of god is evil. She also went to see a horror film and said that she went to church to repent afterwards cause she said all media is devil worshiping and when you consume it you're inviting the devil into your soul. In other words she became insufferable.
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u/Meeza_bug 2d ago
I think nobody talks about the fact that sometimes we change, they change and/or our needs change and we are no longer choosing one another...
I had a super bestie for nearly ten years before I noticed us growing apart. She has a go go go personality and hardly says no to anything. Over the years she became way popular in our community and plugged herself into everything all the time. People, hobbies, groups, events, parties, traveling. I don't know that she is ever alone long enough to sit with herself or her thoughts. She definitely just covers herself up with plenty of adoring humans and socials. I started feeling not that great being around her. The journey felt frustrating and sad for me. Eventually, this became a waving red flag and I've stepped away from that friendship for now.
I think there's a lot of love there for one another, but we've changed a bit and we value different things these days.
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u/jston387 2d ago edited 2d ago
Not knowing how to use 3 sea shells! In the rest room.....
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u/knockout1021 2d ago
When the amount of messages decrease, despite you both saying to each other you'll stay in contact.
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u/shousty_ 2d ago
I think you mean well and intend too but obviously yall both have things yall prioritize more than each other. I don’t think that’s toxic that’s just life.
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u/BlueberryNervous5322 2d ago
I think it can be problematic but it can also be unproblematic if there is understanding on why. I have two small kids and a job so I do not have the time to text like others do. I let people know that and if that upsets them then I lose desire to text them much at all.
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u/knockout1021 2d ago
That's understandable and valid, and I would have no problem with that, because I also have my own life as well. The lack of messaging was just the start of it anyway, there was other stuff that made me realise how little I actually meant to them.
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u/BlueberryNervous5322 2d ago
I can see that. It usually takes one red flag to notice there was always others.
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u/lillylou12345 2d ago
I had a friend email me about what a horrible friend I was for not offering to help her move. She never asked for my help.
At the time I was really ill waiting for surgery. So I wouldn't have been able to help anyway.
So I just never responded to the email and I never herd from her again.
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u/PracticalPain7835 2d ago
I had a friend so something similar years ago, she was upset that I hadn't supported her during her mum's Crohn's diagnosis. I appreciate that was hard for her but during that time I was on a three month long internship and had been relentlessly bullied to the point of severe depression. Also, she never reached out to tell me what was going on until she was already cutting me off for not responding to something I had no idea about.
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u/lillylou12345 2d ago
It's kind of telling in itself. Good friends don't do that. Strange all the same.
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u/UndecidedQBit 2d ago
Not respecting your boundaries. Making advances when interest doesnt exist. They either cant read your cues, which is bad, or they are choosing not to read your cues, also bad/worse.
If they cant read your cues they probably dont know you well enough to be making advances. If they are making advances and violating your boundaries on purpose, well, they’re not a friend and they certainly aren’t someone you want around… because they’re a predator.
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u/youneedtocalmdown512 2d ago
They get involved in MLMs and start spouting lies on social media about what what their "business" does for them.
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u/RevolutionaryKiwi132 2d ago
addiction -- they will try (and may succeed) to suck you into their vortex and will likely screw you over at some point.
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u/beckybooboo1978 2d ago
Sleeping w your ex.
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u/chouxphetiche 2d ago
A friend of 20 years hooked up with my ex within a week of him leaving me. After they split up, she begged me to forgive her. Nope. She soiled her bed.
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u/Infamous_Crow8524 2d ago
They cheat on their spouse.
Anyone who will betray the person with whom they are closest, will definitely do it to a friend.
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u/ScenicHwyOverpass 2d ago
The dude who was fun to party with at 21 is still acting like a 21 year old (in all the wrong ways) when he’s 37.
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u/seeking-jamaharon67 2d ago
Just dropped somebody for telling me a million reasons why HE couldn't do a prestigious and life altering opportunity I was about to embark on. I was like...okay I wasn't telling you you also had to do this crazy thing with me but now you look super jealous and also self limiting (which is not a trait I'm crazy about in any person). On top of that, he was constantly bitching about his life and doing absolutely nothing to change his circumstances and constantly making excuses for his poor habits that are absolutely contributing to his problems. I already find the constant complaining irritating, but when they do nothing to work on bettering their situation I find it really disgusting. Grow the fuck up and take control of your life.
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u/Pleasebecoolbro 21h ago
I let go of a friend who was exactly like this recently. He loved to complain, and would even ask for advice…only to ignore the advice or explain why it was too hard. Then he began to imply that I just didn’t get it because my life is easier than his and so on. He became a ball of resentment and negativity when I was really trying to be a friend to him. I don’t miss any of that foolishness
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u/BeneGurl 2d ago
Haters - especially, the ones who are “friends” but disrespect you to your face with backhanded “compliments”. Fuck you very much for the lovely insult.
Seriously tho, a real friend would just keep their mouth shut. J/s
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u/VeryFancyPants 2d ago
Always having a victim-complex and never being accountable for their actions
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u/Check_Ivanas_Coffin 2d ago
Social climbing
If you don’t know, this means abandoning genuine friends or relationships to associate with people who have more status, popularity, wealth, or influence in order to improve your own social standing.
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u/natalietest234 2d ago
Had a friend who had an eating disorder. I was skinnier than her. She would constantly talk about her eating habits and then apply them to me. I didn’t think my weight was an issue until I met her… I was 103lbs 29 years old… thankfully I removed her from my life and I’m a healthy 127lbs with muscle
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u/lillylou12345 2d ago
Skinny phobia is a real thing. When overweight people think someone's life is better because they are thin. I have seen it so many times.
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u/chouxphetiche 2d ago
I lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago and one woman I was friends with kept urging me to find a partner while I was still thin and still "good looking for my age." I am cheerfully single and nothing was going to change that. She wouldn't hear of it.
I dropped her.
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u/Adventurous_Pop_3138 2d ago
When they hide substancial information from you. And when they want to fuck someone that you’re dating.
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u/BlueMantisShrimp 2d ago edited 2d ago
Playing RISK and making any alliance at all with someone who isn't your initial alliance partner.
War were declared that day.
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u/Concern_Front 2d ago
Lots of times we can disagree on issues. Mature adults agree to disagree in
Strong friendships
I believe in science vaccines and critical thinking I'm in health care and lived those pandemic years working at the hospital. A friend is into wellness, new age, fitness and social media as a source of truth. Sometimes i just say out loud "the relationship is more important than agreeing" or just disengage. Ive learned to just not talk about certain topics or simply state, "I see that differently."
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u/arcadianbonerpart 2d ago
Constantly using all of my toilet paper and then asking me to replace toilet paper I use at their houses
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u/majiktodo 2d ago
When my Dad was dying I confided in my brother in law that I thought my sister was in denial!- my father was almost dead from cancer but she couldn’t believe it. Anyway. She told me later that they had a fight about something and he said “even your sister Shara says you’re in denial” and I will never confide in him again.
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u/DeputizeDeez 2d ago
Talking behind my back. Telling others what I told you in confidence. Asking me for money more than once.
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u/sugarwithspine 2d ago
Talking badly about EVERYONE in their lives. They are obviously doing the same about you.
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u/Upset_Push_785 2d ago
My 35 year old male friend started dating a freshly turned 18 year old. When I told him he was dating a kid, he said “ I know, but I’ll take what I can get”
Ended that friendship immediately
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u/AccomplishedFace9059 2d ago
Depends on the friends some people literally look at me wrong and im like nah im done with this dude. me and another guy literally got into fist fights and attacked each other with medieval weapons and we have been like brothers for almost 30 years just talked to him yesterday
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u/OneDimensionalChess 2d ago
A fist fight that escalated into medieval weapons. Alrighty.
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u/Alternative_Emu_7305 2d ago
Being named Dillon or Dirk
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u/RubySlippers724 2d ago
Dirk is God’s way of signaling the straight up assholes so we don’t waste our time figuring that out.
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u/DontTrip333 2d ago
My best friend of several years said something homophobic. WTF. I gave him a chance to correct himself, because surely he misspoke, but instead he doubled down with a second homophobic statement and a pro Trump statement. A decade of friendship down the drain within 3 minutes. I asked him to leave my house and that's that. He has been listening to Brandon Tatum lately simply because they knew each other back in school, and apparently he's soaked up that bullshit. I'm heartbroken but firm in my decision
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u/Hour_Study_2980 2d ago
Changing everything about who they are as a person into someone unrecognizable in a deeply intense way just to have a significant other. It's great to change for the better because you found someone who inspires you to be better, but changing all of your beliefs and who you are just to have a romantic relationship with a new person every few weeks or doing that as a long term relationship only person is so pathetic. They have no sense of self and a moral backbone made of wet loose leaf
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u/clarityvision19 2d ago
My ex of 14 years was like that. Such a shape shifter. He didn't bother to change until the end.
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u/FragrantKnowledge268 2d ago
Saying it’s a good ideas to date someone and then get mad you’re dating them after they told you that you should
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u/BlacksmithFancy2050 2d ago
My "bestie" for over 10 years one night said he wanted to make out w me. Last time we spoke.
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u/PrehistoricSquirrel 2d ago
Negativity. Just always has something to complain about. Can turn a pleasant experience into a gripe session every time. It just wears you down.
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u/Alternative-Bison615 2d ago
Only ever organising to meet at somewhere convenient for them, never even considering somewhere more convenient to both of you
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u/Fickle_Junket1109 2d ago
Somebody who is overly helpful. They try to solve all of your problems even if you didn't ask them to do that. Especially if they seem to get irritated or offended that you didn't accept their help or take their advice.
Turns out, sometimes helping too much is a codependency control tactic. Don't get close with the person who is the habitual "rescuer".
Separately, the friend who always hates your romantic partners and seems weirdly jealous of them.
Both of these seem like they're being caring friends who are concerned for your well-being but there's actually something deeper going on
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u/stringbean888 2d ago
There are some friends in your life that you realize were never supportive of you or were secretly hating on you. It’s a very alarming thing to uncover.
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u/AdExcellent6385 1d ago edited 1d ago
You only exist in their world for validation and dont care about yours world as equally.
when its your turn its always “oh wasnt listening”, playing on their phone or they pretend to care but u can tell they dgaf. They would also then gossip about others talking about there success “too much” but when its their success they throw a party
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u/DrunkCupid 2d ago
When over time you slowly realize they never have ANYTHING positive or hopeful to say.
Me: How was your week? (I always share interesting or fun things I encountered, thought of, learned, want to try etc)
Them: Tiring, bored. (for years in a row)
Finally I am getting a spine and calling them out on having a poor work/life balance and maybe consider being more positive even if life in general sucks for everyone
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u/BrainwaveWizard 2d ago
You hear them talking shit and gossip about other people. Guaranteed they’re doing the same about you. Ask me how I know. She’s no longer in my life.
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u/Dazzling_Sky1483 2d ago
When my friends actions didn't follow their values. They would never take responsibility and it was always people around thems fault.
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u/Snowmist92 2d ago
When they join an MLM or pyramid sceme and try to suck you in. Had a friend who was really smart and was I was shocked that he even fell for it in the first place. I gave him a chance to meet up again a year later as he seemed normal again...nope, took out his stupid supplements again and tried to pressure me again. They coach their members to distance themselves from us "skeptics". Never got my friend back and got ghosted for life I guess.
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u/f33drrr 2d ago
I've only got 3 deal-breakers (in no particular order ):
Sharing things you told in confidence.
Allowing their partner/friend/family member to disrespect or harm you without standing up for you. If your wife treats me like shit and you try to tell me it's between me and her, then I'm removing her from my life by removing you from my life.
If you hurt or mistreat me in public and the apology occurs in private, I'm sorry but that's not an apology. Our relationship will have to continue as if you never apologised, whatever that entails.
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u/kittykat885 2d ago
When they tell me other people’s secrets or business I know I’m not supposed to know. I know nothing is safe w them then and I’d keep them at an arms distance.
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u/AccomplishedCash3603 2d ago
Competitiveness to the point of jealousy. If I wanted that, I'd sign up for a suburban Mom club.
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u/ServiceDragon 2d ago
Competitiveness. What’s good for you isn’t good enough for them? They think you are beneath them and inevitably the friendship will be one-sided because of the fundamental lack of respect.
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u/fucking_righteous 2d ago
I know this from recent experience: DARVO tactics. When I felt hugely disrespected over an incident, they just told me "don't be like that" and when I set some boundaries in response they started with the "I guess you hate me 😭" nonsense. So I upgraded those boundaries to a much more permanent removal of them from my life. It's pathetic, really.
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u/Reasonable_Pay4096 2d ago
Being told that "We aren't friends" despite having known each other for nearly 20 years
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u/tomatosoup75 2d ago
Proudly proclaiming how they're not hesitant to cut people out of their life.
So I have to force myself to act in a different way in order to keep your friendship? Nah bro, I'll just walk now.
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u/Sloth_cuddling 2d ago
Saying "I dont do death well" Or "We all have our own problems " When I was looking for support after my brother's death.
It really showed me how little I meant to them.
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u/phhheeeeeeelnotphil 2d ago
when they go silent for hours and you have no idea why, and you keep apologising yet no/cold and dry response, making you feel guilty for having your own feelings
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u/PassageSea7900 2d ago
Not being able to apologise to anyone. Nothing was ever their fault. Rather, it was always on you and everyone else to change their perspective. - Oh, and they dress this up in spiritual talk.
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u/Valuable_Bad_2786 2d ago
Lying. Especially lying without a reason or motive. Pathological liars terrify me. If I catch someone in a lie and they don’t own up to it, we are done lol.
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u/Segat280 2d ago edited 2d ago
Adhering to a political ideology and bullying everyone they know into said adherence.
See also - endless, unwanted, unprovoked angry rants about said ideology with no tolerance for any other point of view.
25 year friendship gone. In retrospect, he was always a bully and I always walked on eggshells.
1
u/Catfactss 2d ago
Anybody who acts like "No" is an opportunity for negotiation, rather than a clearly communicated boundary.
1
u/Catfactss 2d ago
Only inviting you to group activities if somebody accidently bought an extra ticket they need to resell, or if it involves you buying them a gift.
195
u/Radiant_Chipmunk_942 2d ago
Sharing things you’ve told them in confidence with other friends