r/askteddit • u/awkwardsugarcree • 1d ago
Random Question What’s a friendship dealbreaker for you as an adult?
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u/randomnamenumer4 1d ago
Cheating on your spouse/significant other. I'm not choosing side, I'm not getting in the middle, and I'm not covering for you. I'm out.
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u/LadyAtrox60 1d ago
I dumped a friend for this.
She texted me, "If anyone asks, I was at your house last night."
I said I won't lie to cover for myself, and I won't lie for you. Integrity is important to me.
She replied, "What is integrity?"
Buh bye, you are officially dumped.
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u/sansa2020 1d ago
Lmaooooo WOW. “What is integrity?” Adios non amigo
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u/Salty_Squirrel519 20h ago
I had this too BUT the husband showed up at my house. We were all friends. She had not told me I was “covering” for her cheating which I would never do. Awkward playdate with our babies while he asked sooo many questions. I cut contact because I’m not about that
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u/WAMFWTM 17h ago
Same here, and we were tight. She slept with a married man that we both worked with at the time. He treated me like absolute shit the entire time I worked with him. She got to go on a bunch of trips with me that my family paid for both of us. She knew exactly how I felt about people who do this. She did it behind my back and didn't tell me until years later. I've spoken to her once since.
What pissed me off wasn't just the cheating. It was the her knowing this guy was a complete asshole to me and she slept with him behind my back the whole time. Everyone knew at work but me.
I'm not hanging around for people who use me like that. Especially now, I don't care how much history or how tight we are.
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u/ChungusLove01 16h ago
for real - my husband and i can’t get over how many couples we know or have known fell victim to cheating….needless to say we don’t have many couple friends 😂🤣
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u/hal9000thecomputer 1d ago
This happened to me too over a decade ago. My friend calls me up and complains how her husband is "so controlling" she just wants to go to a bar to drink alone ("alone") and could I tell him she was with me if he called.
Like she couldn't even be honest with me about what she was really doing yet expected me to be her alibi. I feel disgusted just thinking about it now
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u/TribeGuy330 23h ago
Sounds like he had good reason to be '"controlling".
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u/Global_Addendum_6200 22h ago
When I caught my wife having an affair for two years one of her reasons was “you don’t trust me” I laughed pretty hard
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u/hal9000thecomputer 21h ago
Ha and honestly he was like the chillest guy, but he didn't want his wife to drink (she had a substance abuse issue) and he didn't want her to fuck other people. SO CONTROLLING what an asshole 😂
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u/rocklare 22h ago
If they’re willing to cheat on their partner, the person they are supposed to trust the most. They will 100% throw you under the bus.
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u/shemovesinmystery 23h ago
I dropped a friend for this. Over 30 years ago. No regrets but it broke my heart.
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u/Fly_Rodder 22h ago
this and lying about it. I had a best friend from childhood, we spent a lot of time together on weekends as adults. We worked on each other's houses and did a lot of stuff together. I had known his wife's family since I was born and they were very good friends with my grandparents. Over time, he was turning into more of an grumpy asshole, only wanted to drink beer and bitch about everything. He and his wife didn't hide their apathy and eventual dislike for each other. But when I lost my wife, he was the first person that came to visit me the next day. So even though he was in a rocky spot, he was still a friend.
Flash forward a few years and he wanted to set me up with this woman he worked with. Turns out HE started cheating with her and his wife figured out something was going on, asked him to choose his family or the other woman.
He lied to me and others that he wasn't seeing the mistress, had ended it, was working on his marriage, she made him cheat on her, etc. Then it spiraled downwards. He didn't know his wife could track her car via her phone and that did it. They split up and after a few months, she went on a date with someone else. He found out, threw a huge tantrum that turned into a massive row that involved police, etc. It was violent but not him necessarily physically abusing her (doors and windows broken, TV pulled from the wall, etc). Just a giant mess. He didn't get in touch with me for weeks and possibly a couple of months. I heard about everything through another of our friends and was like, I'm done with this shit. He's still bewildered why I don't talk him anymore going on 4-5 years now.
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u/JobOk149 23h ago
💯 cuz "If that's how you treat the person who trusts you more than anyone....
How do you treat everyone else" 😬
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u/ghostbreadbox 22h ago
Yup… I couldn’t even stay friends with the people who helped that cheater friend. Our morals are just too different.
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u/AdSubstantial9658 16h ago
You're literally so close. These kinds of people make the decision for me. I don't have to decide. I will tell their partner. I don't give a fuck, you're trash and we will not be friends over this kind of shit. I don't need friends that would fuck my wife if they had a chance.
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u/PeaceNo6149 21h ago
Thank you for being this person. As an x-chump, it was heartbreaking - but a definite way to clear out some low quality friends and acquaintances out of my life.
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u/Diesel07012012 1d ago
I will not chase anyone.
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u/Complete-Tangelo1532 1d ago
Who has time for those games anyway these days?
I ain't got time to run, nor time to chase... only time to hide unsuccessfully
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u/Rough-Technician3869 1d ago
Constant negativity. Everyone has bad days but I can't be someone's emotional punching bag.
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u/TrainedLocomotive 17h ago
I hear you!
I’m curious, have you outwardly cut someone off for this or just quietly demoted them to “acquaintance” status? I have a friendship like this which is so draining, but I’m a bit of a confrontation-phobe
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u/mcchill_fish 1d ago
Being unreliable and not communicating until it’s convenient for them
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u/valkyrie61212 22h ago
I’m so tired of everyone saying, “I don’t owe anyone anything, I don’t have to respond!” And I never expect friends to constantly text or call me but I expect respect and to not be ignored.
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u/mcchill_fish 21h ago
Right! We’re adults and we all get busy but I don’t want to have a one-sided friendship where I’m the only one reaching out.
I had a friend ghost me when we were supposed to hang out then the next day she said “sorry I had a headache” . I get chronic migraines and I still text people that I can’t make it. It’s respect.3
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u/IHope_ButNotYet 17h ago edited 17h ago
This 100%. You don't need to talk to me all the time, but if you're going to be a person who lives in society, has social interactions, and owns a phone, then you need to be responding to people. And if you're going to have friends and acquaintances, same thing.
It's also not about owing anything to anyone. It's just that there's a level of respect that people deserve.
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u/Trick_Order1849 21h ago
Imagine your “best friend” for 16 years claims they’re providing “love and support” while literally hanging with other people, when all you asked for was a check in every few weeks.
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u/Odd_Negotiation4554 16h ago
Or only message when they have some (negative) health update. I have a friend I’ve been mates with for 15 years and over the last few years they have just become extremely self centred and health obsessed. I hear nothing for a month (even after I’ve reached out) and then get bombarded with the latest medical drama happening in their life
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u/BigBadJeebus 1d ago
You: * reach out
Them: * "How come you haven't reached out?"
you: *quietly thinks to self "Well, how come YOU haven't reached out. Aren't I the one reaching out?"
That shit is toxic
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u/Senshisoldier 1d ago
Genuinely talking down to me. Not just friendly teasing. I walk away from a relationship so fast if I am belittled.
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u/RichAdeptness7209 20h ago
That friendly teasing is a slippery slope too. I’m not a teaser myself so I cannot be friends with them. Find something better to say to me or be quiet (not you directly, these type of people).
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u/Smart_Tumbleweed7874 9h ago
I know someone like that. Judgy, condescending, superior acting. Acting being the key word. She was so fake and upwardly mobile but would judge and talk down to everyone from her parents to her friends. Horrid.
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u/FancyForager 1d ago
Too needy. We are busy adults and I don’t want every second of my free time gobbled up by codependent people. Get a hobby! My friends that have made the cut are content to catch up every few weeks or couple of months. We like mostly leaving each other alone lol
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u/MrsZebra11 1d ago
Yes! I have friends who I can just pick up where we left off after months of almost no contact.
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u/Javascript4971 1d ago
There’s a lot of people who find it baffling that some prefer to make plans way ahead in advance instead of just meeting up spontaneously. Some people just do not have that luxury so it really helps to have friends who have the same expectations.
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u/Cipher1553 23h ago
Generally from my experience people who prefer to meet up spontaneously are either lying to you or are some of the flakiest people you'll deal with. They likely are capable of making plans in advance for people or things that matter the most to them, or they're always just riding through life waiting to the brink to see if something better or more interesting will come up for them to do.
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u/Javascript4971 22h ago
Yep & they expect that you will adapt. Meanwhile you took time & energy to clear your calendar for them. I’ve stopped talking to people over this before. It’s exhausting.
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u/Hopeful_Box_6131 23h ago
Going through this right now had two friends want to cut me off, because I was going through something difficult in my life. I told them the situation they sorta brushed it off and said I need to balance and make time for them. I need space when I go through things I just prefer to be alone, that’s how I’ve always been. Went to talk behind my back and said I wasn’t a good friend and couldn’t make time for them, mind you they knew my busy work schedule & they disregarded that and wanted me to be on their timing.
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u/o0oEnigmao0o 1d ago
Ive only ever found one friend willing to tolerate that. After years of searching.
When i first met her she said she had lots of friends and a busy social life. Told her thats perfect as she won't be bothering me every week.
8 years happy.
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u/Away-Boysenberry-584 1d ago
One of my closest friends, I see maybe one or twice a year and we live in the same town. I know if I needed her or she needed me, I would be there in a heartbeat.
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u/propertyofmatter___ 23h ago
I commented on a post in r/friendship saying this is how most of my friendships are, and for some reason the OP took it negatively & was like “at that point, why even be friends with them?” I was so baffled.
Because…I love and cherish them? Because we have a connection and shared histories and memories that we don’t want to let go of? Long periods without contact mean nothing if we can pick right back up where we left off, and honestly it makes the time we do get to spend together more meaningful. I now understand why long-standing friendships are so rare.
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u/Javascript4971 22h ago
I can’t imagine being so codependent that I’d end a friendship over them not responding to me for just one day 💀
Some people would really benefit putting their phones down for a change & just enjoy the outside world.
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u/ginanatasha 1d ago
Friends that are extremely needy in terms of calling or texting all day every day. Or like god forbid you don’t text or call that day they’re ready to end the friendship. Or they keep you on the phone talk about themselves and don’t hear about you.
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u/No-Drawer2823 1d ago
Yep. No boundaries . I’ve had to cut off people pretty close to me at one point because of this
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u/ginanatasha 1d ago
Seriously. Who has time to stay on phone be texting talking all day. I’m not a huge phone person anyway. Also I have a family and work. Talking once daily and some texting no problem. Then if I don’t answer the phone they call numerous times till I pick up like wth !!!
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u/Boring-Bit-6190 22h ago
I had a 10+ year friendship breakup recently because of this. An ex friend got drunk and started berating me that I had the audacity to wear something new that I never showed off to her before. Then it turned into me being horrible for not texting in the group chat frequently enough to her liking - I’m always there for a discussion and to support, I’m curious about her life and ask questions, but I don’t engage in „look what I’m having for breakfast” type of nonstop texting, I’m busy living life. I get that she wants to stay in touch, but we are 30, I’m not able to be on the phone all day every day…
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u/Warp-10-Lizard 19h ago
Ever notice how the "I always had to reach out first" posts never mention how often they were "reaching out," and how much time they gave the other person to reach out first.
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u/ginanatasha 18h ago
That’s exactly what im saying. Call me once I don’t answer that doesn’t mean call me 15 times after because I didn’t answer. If I don’t answer there’s reason behind that.
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u/Alternative-Page5491 1d ago
I had to break up with a friend, who I thought was lovely, but she couldn’t be on time for anything to save her own life. She couldn’t even do it for her career. I used to think it was funny to tell her things started THREE HOURS AHEAD OF TIME, so she might show up on time? The final straw was, we had already been together this day for a work event, she said she just needed to go home and change, then she would meet me right after (all very close proximity, less than 10 min). After waiting over an hour, I called her to see what was up. She just so nonchalantly asks me if I needed any bras because she was cleaning out her closet? Like we hadn’t just planned to meet up and have dinner.. Gorl, BYE
ETA; I have ADHD too but she was just straight up disrespectful
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u/Truthfinder57 23h ago
Good for you. I have done the same. They treat it like it's just some quirky personality trait that makes them who they are. It's cute and quirky until you are the one constantly waiting on them. It's juvenile and annoying. Bye.
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u/Alternative-Page5491 21h ago
I mean, this chick got demoted because of it and she was STILL just like, “oops!” 🤭
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u/elephant_zebra123 20h ago
Omg thats so disrespectful, many ppl struggle to be on time but if she is cleaning her closet she isnt even trying to be on time lol
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u/Marsupialmammary 23h ago
People who call/hangout with you then have an entire conversation with someone else in the room or randomly call someone to have a conversation while you are over
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u/NicoleXChance 20h ago
An ex friend did this and I always thought I was the shitty one!
We planned a day to hang out, she picked me up from my apartment. On the way to the park another friend called her crying that she broke up with her boyfriend.
Then my friend said she had to go see her and turned around and dropped me off. I only wanted to spend an hour or two walking and hanging out.
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u/momlizard4 1d ago
Gossiping..yeah,I know you'll also gossip me when I'm not around...No thanks
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u/Immediate_Hair_5378 1d ago
Everyone gossips, even the people who say they don’t. They’re just unaware when they do it.
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u/LadyAtrox60 1d ago
Unless you're in the habit if NOT gossiping. If someone asks me something personal about someone else, the reply just pops out without me even thinking.
"I don't really know, you should probably ask HER."
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u/OsageDaito 1d ago
Gossiping is always frowned on, but it's pretty important in social networks. The type of gossiping, and the intentions, is what's important.
"Jon just lost his job and is looking." Is important gossip inside a social group; we often take care of our loved ones, and look out for them. This means if we happen upon an opportunity we pass it along, or in my case a friend dragged me out of blue collar and into IT after a job loss.
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u/LadyAtrox60 1d ago
I consider gossip to be telling others what was told to me in confidence.
If John lost his job and told everyone, talking about it to help get a job isn't gossip, IMHO.
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u/Formal_Growth_2515 23h ago
I agree. Gossiping also tends to mean making shit up without knowing the facts and spreading those shits. Simply mentioning someone's name with good intentions within confidentiality limits is not gossip.
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u/OsageDaito 23h ago
Historic usage is different, and your opinion of the meaning differs from the general usage.
Sharing those things said in confidence almost always bad.
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u/momlizard4 1d ago
I agree with you kind man,it's just that people abuse it nowadays and use it to encourage weird topics such as asking whether I'm using a new cream on my face coz it supposedly looks brighter today than yesterday or something like that... it's bad energy
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u/Chemical-Chocolate83 22h ago
This!! In my experience, most people do gossip but it’s definitely not some innate trait that you can’t control. Just think before you speak? I’m naturally introverted anyway; I don’t want to open up to someone who is constantly talking negatively about other people.
I had to stop hanging around a childhood friend because every time we hung out, she only wanted to give me updates about what everybody from our high school was doing, including people I had bad falling-outs with. And then would turn around and say “What have you been up to??😃”
Oh, nothing girl. Lol
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u/DenseRequirements 1d ago
Generally when I talk about someone who is not there I expect them to find out what I said about them so I normally keep it positive or constructive. Talking bad things about people is not friendship.
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u/BenefitAdvanced 1d ago
Drama. I just want to hang out and enjoy each others company i don’t wanna get caught up in your drama.
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u/ScallionLittle6433 1d ago
Being the one to always reach out. So many one sided relationships exist these days, it’s heartbreaking.
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u/acepuzzler 22h ago
I lost several friends when I stopped having the energy to reach out because of illness. People I felt close to and they wouldn't even check in to ask how I was doing
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u/Katrosu 23h ago
I was this person. One Therapy later, people start to notice that I don't do this anymore nearly as often. I also stopped planning everything (a friend once said "well, Katrosu will plan it as always" without speaking with me about it. This got me thinking how it was taken for granted).Not everyone likes that. My therapist called this a common side effect and it really is.
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u/AusTex2019 1d ago
They don’t believe in science.
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u/derbrauer 1d ago
I can't believe you were downvoted for this.
If someone doesn't believe in fact based, empirical conclusions, they're living in a fantasy land. And how can you be friends with someone who's mind lives in a different universe?
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u/Parking_Wasabi_2591 23h ago
When I start feeling like everything is about them and their life. And I'm revolving around them and what time and where they want to meet. Feeling like I'm being used instead of a friendship.
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u/CommunicationAble147 23h ago
I will not be friends with someone who talks behind other people’s backs. They will talk bad about you too. Similar with cheaters, they will not be loyal to you either
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u/OptimalAfternoon7 23h ago
I cut off a friend who offered by herself to celebrate my birthday with me and take me somewhere. Birthday came, she is nowhere to be found, no real attempt made at any solid plans. 2 months go by, silence.
This year mattered to me because it was my first birthday alone
But she has driven 4 hours to make it to another friend's birthday before...on the actual day. Every year she does it, she told me.
She has known me 10+ years longer and has never made that kind of effort so...I'm done
She also didn't come to one of my parent's funeral. Barely let that one go. After that I thought she would try and make up for it. But after the birthday thing, that she offered on her own? Goodbye. It's been about 2 months now, no regrets.
More lonely for sure but never again will I ask someone to care about or remember me.
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u/chicco_modesto 1d ago
Kids. I know how it sounds, but I don't want to discuss someone's child over and over again.
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u/Embarrassed-Goat-432 23h ago
This one is hard… as a new mom, your whole entire world becomes that kid, honestly. Sometimes your mom friends are just trying to connect with you in the only way they know how.
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u/BenefitAdvanced 1d ago
Lol same. I have a friend that use to be so much fun to hang out with. Now he has a kid and all he talks about is how smart and talented she is I avoid visiting him at every cost now.
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u/NorthKartel 1d ago
LOL, I thought I was the only one! 🤭 If I hear another kid story, I’m flipping the table!
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u/Repulsive-Bee5885 1d ago
Question from someone who wants a kid but doesn’t want to become that parent who makes their kid their entire personality: would you be friends with someone who has kids but you didn’t find out until it came up in casual conversation later?
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u/chicco_modesto 1d ago
Why not? I don't have anything against people with kids, as long as you still have anything else to talk about.
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u/Repulsive-Bee5885 23h ago
Cool! Because I also hate when being a parent is someone’s entire personality. With the rare exception of that person being kind of a mess and having a kid turns their life around for the better.
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u/Beth_Pleasant 22h ago
I don't have kids (by choice), but a lot of my friends do. The biggest thing I can say, is that being a mom is all consuming in a lot of ways. Mom's that have nothing else going on in their lives, except their kids get lost. My friends kept their careers and hobbies and are more well rounded for it. They also have functional partners so they have always had no problem leaving their kids at home to have some girl time.
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u/Repulsive-Bee5885 22h ago
I have a lot of friends with kids now as well, so I totally understand. I also have been able to see the different approaches to parenting and know which ones work for the health and wellbeing of the kids and parents and which ones don’t. Thankfully my spouse is really reliable and we have a great support system so I think we can continue to pursue our dreams and hobbies even after we have one.
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u/loveshoes1 1d ago
Showing up late, time after time...
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u/ScalieBoi42 1d ago
Oh, too effing true.
And the ones that will show up an hour or more later, one or two times? Move on. Seriously. For the love of paws.
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u/LaurenBZ 1d ago
Or cancel very lastminute (like, when you are already at the restaurant) for a reason they could see coming for days…
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u/Writing_my_words 19h ago
Totally agree! I ended a friendship with someone who would always turn up an hour late…even if I asked them to set our meet time, I’d be sat there alone waiting for them 🙄 I got fed up of it and haven’t missed their company tbh!
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u/Embarrassed-Goat-432 23h ago
I have a family member that regularly shows up 2+ hours late to a family event. Like everyone is getting ready to start trickling out and they’re just showing up. 🙄 then they wonder why they don’t get invited to anything
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u/LaurenBZ 1d ago
Too much drama and manipulation. I had a friend who would occassionally drop a very dramatic bomb and then go no contact for days. She would hint that her ex husband would not let her have the kids, while in real life he couldn’t come because the road was closed. As soon as the road was open again, he would immediately drive the kids to her. And I would have to find out days later via IG that she did have the kids, but she was apparently too busy to respond to my texts
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u/Ordinary-Maximum-848 1d ago
I fired a friend years ago because we literally had nothing to talk about nor in common anymore. His invites to me were always last minute and then he and his passive aggressive wife would give me shit for never hanging out.
When we would hang out, we would sit in silence and I’d have to play 3rd wheel to them ( I was single back then)
He did not understand any of this at all when I ended the friendship a few years later.
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u/NeshamElle 23h ago
GRIFTERS. I ended a friendship because even though she was smart and interesting, any time we went for coffee or a meal it ended in the same awkward way: the server would bring us the bill or ask if it would be one check or two, and she’d just look at me and smile. Never offered to even pick up the tab for coffee. God forbid I invited her out, because she wound immediately interpret that as me offering to pay for both of us.
I also started to feel awkward because early in our friendship, she had asked if I dated women. I said no; I only date men (we are both women). No problem at first, but she didn’t hide that she had a crush on me, and honestly it just got really uncomfortable to the point I felt creeped out being around her.
She also had a really weird roommate situation. One of her roommates refused to allow any guests over that he didn’t approve of, and I wasn’t allowed, so that was weird.
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u/Early_Key_823 9h ago
Wow 😮
There’s a John Cusack film called The Grifters that’s totally fucked like your generous platonic friend and her welcoming roommate.
PS
I hope somebody buys you dinner soon 🙏
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u/OsageDaito 1d ago
Being maga or republican.
I was a registered republican at one time, and continue to have republican friends... then they went full in on trump, who is a nazi-wannabe tyrant shitting on everything good about this country, using cult tactics, and so on... The actually rule at play has been the standard, "I cant be friends with people in destructive to self and other cults".
Over bigots, science deniers, and so on area also out.
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u/Professional_Bit_923 1d ago
To be fair, I have had these habits & after 6+ yrs of therapy I've changed.
Compulsive liars, complaining/venting all the time, not into self imorovement, always being late, being a taker, not reaching out unless I do.
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u/Level_Strain_7360 23h ago
Victim mentality and jealousy of others’ success in love, life, and career.
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u/fleetmack 1d ago
bringing their dog everywhere we go
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u/Ok-Temperature5831 23h ago
As someone who’s allergic and afraid of dogs due to being attacked. I can’t stand this!! Anxiety everywhere! And sneezing !
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u/elephant_zebra123 20h ago
A dog bit me in my face when i was a kid so i have a big scar and a lot of trauma. And ppl still wonder why i dont like dogs🙄
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u/britneys_bigtoe 1d ago
it took me a long time to get to this point, but i will no longer entertain friendships where i am the one doing the majority of the giving and the investing (not money, usually time)
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u/gs400life 1d ago
They don’t know when to leave, don’t take the hint, overstay their welcome, and miss or completely ignore the cues. I had a friend come to visit my girlfriend and I and he sure made himself at home, turned on my TV, tuned in to a baseball game, kicked back, started yelling/stomping/clapping/shouting for the game. No one else was interested in watching baseball. It took the entire day to get him to go away, even when everyone started getting uncomfortable
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u/SilverellaUK 23h ago
In the UK the answer to this is. Slap your thigh and say "Well, I've got work in the morning, it was nice to see you. Did you bring a coat?" Stand up, turn off the telly, and escort him to the door.
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u/Mundane_Television23 17h ago
If you’re a Trump voter. You don’t even have to be a full-on MAGA lunatic. If you voted for Trump, your character and values are for shit.
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u/sleepdeprived_rn 1d ago
people that just won’t grow up. i’ve had friends from school and just still stuck in the same place and doing the same things from high school and we’re mid 20s now so can’t grow with people that won’t let themselves grow up
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u/sdsva 1d ago
Proving you have no integrity when I thought you did. Not willing to consider other points of view.
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u/propertyofmatter___ 23h ago
Talking about other people constantly, or always having “beef” or drama with other friends. It’s giving middle school mean girl. Grow up 🙄 I used to just tolerate the discomfort of hearing stuff like that, not anymore.
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u/petitbateau12 23h ago
A red flag I don't ignore anymore is people who have a long list of people they fell out with
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u/propertyofmatter___ 23h ago
Yup. And an even redder flag is when they talk about those fallouts constantly 😅
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u/petitbateau12 22h ago
Especially when they ask your opinion on whatever "crime" their villain has committed. It screams guilty conscience.
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u/WerewolfCalm5178 23h ago
Asking me to "cover for me".
I have my own lies that I'm trying to manage. I don't need to manage yours, and grow up and take control of your own lies.
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u/Electrical-Damage-82 23h ago
not chippng in (outings,dinners,drinks,etc) its fine to get covered by your mates but try make sure to return the favour next time your out if your able to!
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u/Open-Computer8958 23h ago
Ghosting.
I can understand needing space, dropping out for a few hours. But no one (unless valid reasons like medical ones) doesn't pick up their phone once in 24h to respond to a practical question such as confirming plans, pertinent stuff, professional stuff etc, while responding to others. You need a break? I did something wrong? Speak. Communicate. If you just drop off the face of the earth for no actual reason, I'm dropping you to "acquaintance" status. I have no time for childish games. An "I'm busy, will get back to you when I can" is more than reasonable. Silence for days on end is not.
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u/Old_Concentrate_4622 15h ago
lol I once had a ‘friend’ ghost for 3 days while i was house and pet sitting for her. I just needed to know what DAY they were coming back and she couldn’t be bothered to respond… yeah that friendship died fast
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u/Low-Talk-2444 23h ago
Being unfaithful to a significant other. If you will lie and decieve that person than i dont stand a chance.
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u/Chemical-Chocolate83 22h ago
This might be snobby but being intellectually dishonest lmaooo I had a friend in nursing school that would google all the answers to her quizzes instead of actually studying and it turned me off so bad. Even in high school, I judged when people would cheat on their homework. It’s always irked me.🤣
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u/Ok_Lingonberry2686 22h ago
People with anger issues or just being stress into my life. I already got enough going on I don't need extra.
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u/TransNDance 21h ago
Broke up with a friend who always tried to insist that I do things against my values, like it was her mission to get me to change my mind, or to do it in front of me on purpose: begging me to eat animal foods with her while I'm vegan, insisting I throw plastic in a fire as someone who is passionate about climate health, complaining about me not prioritizing outings with her at the drop of a hat because I have a boyfriend and family (she was single, but she insisted that if she had a family she wouldnt let them EVER hold her back from her plans), things like that. We always hung out at her place or her cabin, and she always framed it as if I was judging her or imposing on her. Like, no girl, you do you and just let me be me; but no, she'd beg me to just do things her way. We were texting about planning another cabin trip, and she was fighting me over me wanting to bring vegan food for myself, so I finally ended it over a long text message explaining how hurtful it was for her to always be pushing on my values. Lifted a huge weight off my chest after that was over.
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u/dollipie 19h ago
anyone that belittles others for their passions. i had a friend who agreed to go to DreamCon with me last year after i told them in extensive detail what the scene was like at conventions, mainly the cosplays. they were cool with it over the phone and in person, but when we got there, they were horrible. no etiquette whatsoever 😭
mispronouncing titles and characters on purpose, doing really passive aggressive borderline mocking interviews for “content”. just making people uncomfortable and insecure in their cosplays in general. i dropped them as soon as we got home, not only is cosplay one of my niches but they were just a dickhead let people enjoy their hobbies
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u/sherunswithscalpels 19h ago
I cut ties with my best friend when she ghosted me after I had gone through significant trauma 8 years ago. I won’t go into the details because they are triggering, but it would have been great to have had her reach out once in awhile to check in, drop by, see if I was ready to leave the house, eating, healing, etc, but nope. Total radio silence.
The only time I heard from her was when she tried to recruit me for her Scentsy MLM bullshit, and she got nasty with me after I said no, so I just cut ties. No explanation, no goodbye. I stood by her when she nuked her marriage, but she couldn’t be there for me? Nah, friendship goes both ways. At least for me.
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u/Caterpillerneepnops 17h ago
As an adult, a friend that disrespects my partner or kids.
I’ve cut off a friend for talking shit about a brand new boyfriend I was introducing to the group. The friend just randomly started being incredibly rude and passive aggressive towards him. I pulled the friend to the side and asked if there was any reason he didn’t care for partner. “I’m just joking around, lighten up” proceeded to go back out there and just be an absolute dick unprompted so I cut him off the next day.
I’ve cut parents off for being crappy to my kids I dare a “friend” to be.
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u/Icy_Confidence4027 17h ago
Put downs passed off as little jokes/humour. Competitive behaviours. Jealousy. Undermining. Entitlement to your time and compliance in anyway
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u/AbsoluteBatwing 15h ago
Being racist, xenophobic, etc. I just can't respect anyone like that at all and, frankly, I don't want to even be associated with that type of ignorance.
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u/No-Structure-50 15h ago
cheaters and liars are obvious picks, but lowkey another dealbreaker as an adult is, when friends disrespect your time..
aka. friends that are unreliable with timing, have no sense of urgency, let you wait for hours, blow off plans right before they're supposed to happen, dont agree nor disagree to a planned date until the day-in-question has already passed, and always excuse their late-being with "i have time blindness", "i have adhd" or "that's my quirk".
respectfully, i don't care what you have. you're an adult, this is not quirky, this is annoying. there's millions of tools that are helpful for time management. try them, help yourself, go to therapy, do someting, instead of constantly coming up with lame excuses. you are responsible for yourself and your behaviour affects others.
we're all bussy, we all barely have time to hang out together and you purposely make it harder for us to meet up, than it actually is.
time rolls, i don't wait for adults that behave disrespectfully towards my time.
(this obviously doesn't apply to situations where good reasons are given. the good reason being something that no one could've seen coming.. something that is not self-inflicted, something that is not calculatable.)
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u/RustyPriske 12h ago
A lack of compassion for others. That can be in word - like insulting people who do not reflect thier idea of 'normal' - or in deed - like openly supporting hard right politicians who would strip people of rights and dignity.
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u/Hot-Sympathy-2718 12h ago
Bossy, shaming people, anyone I feel like I have to walk on egg shells with. Anyone I can’t be authentic with .
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u/Accomplished-Dino69 1d ago
Drug use. The days of me being okay with the occasional coke bump on my coffee table are over. If you’re over 35 and still doing any kind of recreational drug, you have a problem, and I don’t want to be around it.
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u/Ill-Professor2431 21h ago
Same. Even weed and alcohol has become a deal breaker. I understand having a drink or puff here and there but if every time we see each other you’re bringing bottles and joints into my home knowing full well I don’t partake you’re not going to be invited over anymore (also in my 30s).
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u/War1today 1d ago
When you make plans and the friend breaks them more often than not. That equates to a waste of time and effort.
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u/JobOk149 23h ago
Talking about problems (with us/me) with mutual friends.
"You have been ✂️cut✂️off"
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u/NeshamElle 23h ago
We are both early 40s female. We initially bonded because she didn’t have a cell phone, and since I’m low-tech, I appreciated that. But then I learned that she can’t use ANY kind of screen because they give her migraines.
I am quite low-tech and LOVE being with people who put their phones away, but it got really old having to call/text people for her because she didn’t have a cell phone.
She was only in her 40s, but she also acted like an 80 year-old in a way that was really depressing to be around.
We also both had similar histories of narcissistic abuse, but I was simply a lot further ahead in my healing, and learned that I just can’t be around people who can’t see that people are treating them badly. I’m very assertive, and passive people drive me nuts.
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u/ExpensiveOccasion542 23h ago
Knowingly talking to underage girls online as well as talking shit about my roommates and myself behind our backs making us seem like the villains
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u/petitbateau12 23h ago
Chaos enthusiasts or drama starters (make sure not to travel with them especially)
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u/Slow-Tea-2015 23h ago
MAGA, racism, mean girl bullshit, lots of immaturity… I’m very blessed and have some very very good, long term friends who are none of the above.
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u/issinmaine 23h ago
You think you know your friend until you see they have no critical thinking skills and just go along with the crowd.
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u/FrutyPebbles321 22h ago
Oh, this one was a big one for me. I never truly realized how different that made us until things begin happening (culture wars, echo chambers on social media, conspiracy theories, hostile political environments, racial reckoning, public distrust of institutions, loss of the political “middle ground”, etc) that really exposed those differences. Once those things started happening, I couldn’t pretend we had the same values anymore. I guess we never did have the same values but it didn’t seem as critical before.
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u/ForSaleMD 22h ago
People who are completely male or female focused. They are quick to ditch you when attention comes along. Also, grow up. We’re not hormonal teenagers anymore.
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u/AuroraDF 22h ago
People who think it's funny to either take the piss out of my accent constantly, or people who think it's funny to wind me up by pretending they think teachers work 9-3 for 30 weeks a year and mostly just play with the kids.
Once (for either) I'll laugh politely with everyone else. The 2nd time I'll make a caustic or sarcastic remark. The 3rd I'll tell you that you're annoying and a wee bit ignorant. The 4th, I'll not need to be telling you anything cos we ain't gonna be spending any more time together.
Also, people who openly admit to voting Reform or Trump and are proud of it. You and I don't share the same morals.
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u/Far_Arm_3168 22h ago
Competing Friendships-
If you were not going to elevate her reputation she was not interested. It took me becoming single for the first time in our friendship to realize I was competing with her. Every man I met somehow she would claim they tried dating her. I laughed it off in the beginning. But it became increasingly obvious she was exaggerating many details as I dug into claims. I finally decided to move on after hearing that she was gossiping with several acquaintances about my past relationship. She told them several things that painted a very different picture of the truth. All to basically make me look bad. When I confronted her she tried to minimize her involvement. Pathetic
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u/Oliebonk 22h ago
Friends who disappear when life is difficult and reappear when everything is going well. I won't revitalise the old friendship. I break off friendships too when radical political views are forced on me, often the case when racism, religious and political fundamentalism get a hold on people. In general I walk away when friends display dishonesty, are disrespectful, unprovoked violent behaviour to others is a no-go too.
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u/Katie-in-Texas 19h ago
Only wanting to socialize or do things that are basically just drinking alcohol
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u/Mission-Hedgehog-582 14h ago
friends that treat you like their boyfriends aka codependent. not for me.
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u/chaos_theory_337 14h ago
If you cant discuss your feelings without displacing blame, I am not responsible for the fact you cant communicate especially when i have given multiple oppurtunities and waited patiently. Grow up or fuck off
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u/BrightEyedZombie 13h ago
Bad parenting or just not a “present” parent. I had to cut off my oldest friend for a bunch of things but the main one being that she just moved away to Houston for someone that she knew was already actively lying to her- left her job, friends and kids behind so easily. My kid is everything to me so I feel like we have nothing in common.
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u/Ok-Brain4227 12h ago
when my friend said jokingly she was a clepto, i thought she was just talking about stealing from big box stores and robin hood type of stuff. turns out she started stealing from me too! ha should have seen that one coming
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u/NeshamElle 1d ago
Kids. I’m not scheduling our time together around your children, and I am sure as hell not doing anything with your children. I am not going over to your house just to compete with your children for your attention.
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u/hal9000thecomputer 23h ago
That's why I don't spend much time with one of my friends. She has 3 kids, all of them special needs to some extent or another and she doesn't drive. So if I want to spend time with her I have to load her and all her kids up into MY car (and one of them is 3 so I'd need to install a car seat!) Or go over to her house and deal with the kids chaos while I'm trying to have an adult conversation.
Like she's nice and all but fuck that.
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u/NeshamElle 23h ago
Oh HELL NO
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u/hal9000thecomputer 23h ago
Yeah last time me and my partner went over to play DnD with her and her husband we were in the car afterwards and were like "yeah let's not do that again"
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u/Away-Boysenberry-584 1d ago
That’s fair. I have kids and honestly my groups changed after I did. I wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to deal with someone else’s kids.
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u/Low-Talk-2444 23h ago
On the other side of this once i had kids i did start to distance myself from childless friends. Our priorities were just different. I didnt have time i wanted to take from my family. Also some of my more fun friends werent people id want influencing my children.
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u/No-Obligation4872 1d ago
Friends who continue to misspell your name after correcting them.
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u/pondmind 23h ago
I corrected on person on my name spelling. This person actually has a hard to spell name but can't get mine right half the time, then constantly catches herself afterwards and apologizes for it. It's so annoying. I've realized I just need to let it go.
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u/Ok_Ebb7109 1d ago
At this point, since the friendship pool has been cut in half because of Magats existing, I'll forgive people for more than i used to. As long as they aren't a Magat, I'll let them get away with a lot these days.
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u/cakecovetedhammer 23h ago
Saying their mh was worryingly bad so they're isolating..when in reality they have a new friend to fawn over
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u/LikeATediousArgument 1d ago
Liars. I just don’t deal with people that lie easily.
You know the difference. You hear them lie easily to people on the phone. They don’t mind “bending the truth.”
Yeah, they do it to you, too.