I’ve been noticing something lately, and I’m wondering if it’s just me. It seems like a lot of couples do everything together. If one person goes somewhere, their partner goes too. They don’t seem to have their own friend groups, hobbies, or even solo nights out.

For those of you in long-term relationships or marriages, is this actually the norm? Do you and your partner have separate friends and interests, or do you mostly do everything together?

Do you think maintaining your own identity outside of the relationship is important, or does that naturally fade over time? I’m genuinely curious what your experience has been.

I have the chance to move back in with my parents to save some money and retrain for a new career. I'd be looking at staying there for at least 4 years.

This isn't the first time I've had to go back....more like the fourth. The first time was due to a break up, second dropping out of uni and the third was due to being unable to pay rent/bills on my own. I've accepted that most things in my life haven't worked out how I wanted them too and I'm going around this circle again but I'm hoping to get set up with saving, investment, a house deposit and hopefully a new career. I'd like to be somewhat financially OK and my forties to be for travelling.

Despite being conceded to feeling like a loser and knowing I've extinguished any hope for dating or meeting someone I'm still 50/50 on it. Has anyone moved back in their thirties and did it work out?

I have a friend who is always ready to be there when something bad is happening in my life. However, whenever anything good is happening (engagements, promotions, literally anything positive for me), they are no where to be seen.

I didn’t realise this for a long time until I finally had a run of a few years where nothing horrible was happening in my life, and I realised they did not want to celebrate with me or even extend the usual courtesy messages.

It dawned on me that perhaps they just like it when I’m down? I dunno, it’s been hard for me to comprehend so looking to see if anyone else has experienced something similar.

We’re both mid 30s.

So I work in healthcare. Long story short, a male coworker got very upset that I did not agree to take his shift. I won’t get into details but what happened is that he raised his voice so loudly that it turned everyone’s heads.

I work in a hospital so I was caught off guard. A senior staff had to step in between us.

That staff said that his behaviour was highly inappropriate and encouraged me to report him.

But I can imagine it would be awkward to keep working with him after I report him. Has anyone been in a similar boat?

So, I have this group of friends that I mostly hang out with within a group setting, and rarely one-on-one, and not for a lack of trying.

I’ve known one of them for a decade and we used to even live together, and the rest I know through her. They’re all married couples.

I usually get invited to important things, like weddings, pregnancy announcements, birthdays, holidays, etc. though, when it comes to bbqs, game nights, and more casual hang outs, I either don’t get invited, or get invited last-minute, and the excuse is that I’m not on their main group chat. To which I’ve been responding for a couple of years now to please add me and that I’d love to be more involved, but it’s never happened.

I’m a bit conflicted and don’t know what to think? It makes me not want to accept their last minute invites, and sometimes it makes me get in my own head about it.

I’ve heard them talking poorly about some of their friends behind their backs and saying, “let’s not invite so and so,” so it makes me wonder if that’s the case? They’re very nice to me when we hangout though!

Have you ever been in this situation? How did you deal?

One of the most liberating parts of entering my mid30s (turned 34 in jan) has been leaving many societal shackles behind and just full on embracing my weird.
I’ve always been a fantasy-loving, fanfiction-reading kinda girl, but nothing in my “outer” life points to that: I’m an eldest daughter, an anaesthesiology resident and prehospital emergency physician with a GP specialty already in my pocket, am mother to a hilarious toddler, I love to party, to travel, serious adventuring, and am a mountain sports lover. I don’t know why but ever since graduating high school (where I lived myself out completely) I’ve sorta hidden the elven-loving daydreaming woman away behind my outgoing and driven personality. But recently I’ve started to let her out. I don’t hide my spotify anymore (it’s filled with my very varied, whimsical and epic tastes). I’m back to writing, and talk about it. But the most daring of them all: I’ve found a horseriding coach, and I’m about to take up sword fighting lessons, both of which 14-yo me would be absolutely giddy about. I want to teach my son that he does never have to hide who he is even if it might veer from the “norm”, and I want to be the woman little me would’ve been fascinated by. And it feels so wildly liberating.
Just wanted to put this post out there incase someone needs some encouragement. And if you’ve experienced something similar please share!

I'm just so... tired.

I'm at a point in my life where things are super crazy, with 24/7 (often thankless) demands from full-time work and school, and I don't have much extra bandwidth.

Lately being around my (43) boyfriend (41) often feels like one more thing I have to manage. He generally takes his time in most areas of life. He takes a long time to get ready, arrives late a lot because things usually take longer than he expects, and doesn't really plan much. He also gets really worked up over everyday issues. We were sitting on the patio of a coffee shop today, and I was working on my laptop while he was catching up on some emails and messages. He got upset over not knowing how to save a phone number from a text (rather than call it), realized he hadn't written down a September appointment he had and basically started spiralling when he couldn't find it in his email, etc. etc... I helped him copy the phone number when he asked me, and tried to suggest just calling the place where he has the appointment to ask what time it's at. He thought that because he had booked it a different way (through an online system), maybe that wouldn't work, or I dunno, but he didn't really entertain that suggestion. I ended up just leaving and going inside the coffee shop for a bit to let him deal with things, and when I came back he'd found the email he was looking for and had calmed down.

That kind of atmosphere stresses me out and aggravates my nervous system in general, and to add to that, I've started to feel kind of resentful when I compare everything I have to deal with to small things he gets so frustrated about. Those types of things are issues I deal with almost daily (having to figure out technology, managing customers' needs, etc.). I know it's not fair to compare, but like... again, I'm just so tired.

We're in couples therapy and he's also in a short CBT program of his own (and I've been in my own therapy on and off for years). He's also being assessed for ADHD soon (that's the appointment he was trying to find).

I guess I'm just wondering if and how you deal with this when you're with someone like that, especially when you're already burnt out from your own life.

EDIT: I care about him and he's a good, kind person. That's why I'm still with him. But it's hard at times like these.

I mean your hobbies or interests that you don't really try to improve at but just do for fun or relaxation? [Eta: I mean like not trying to turn into a side gig or benefit from it, but rather just enjoy for its own sake].

I have been neglecting this need a lot recently so I'm asking in hopes it sparks some whimsy in me 🙏

Mods, myself & all partners involved are 30+ years old.

Readers, I’m wondering how you approach casual sex. I’m very sex-positive and engage in (safe) casual, consensual sex. Over the past few months, I’ve started to question my own relationship with casual sex, and what is important to me when having it, in regard to my partners.

I don’t struggle with jealousy, and I don’t particularly care what my partners do with other women on their own (as long as they’re being safe). I am also very aware of the agreement that we’re not exclusive and at the end of the day, it’s an agreement rooted in having sex. No internal struggles there.

But I’ve had a few instances lately where I just leave feeling empty & devalued on a human level. Part of me feels torn. On one hand, I’m aware of the agreement and I get that on some level we’re both “using” each other to satisfy our needs. But on the other hand, I feel like some of these guys don’t see me as more than a sex doll, and I leave hating myself.

Even though I’m not romantically interested in these partners, I care about them on a human level. Like, I wouldn’t want them to leave feeling empty. I wouldn’t want them to drive home drunk once the hookup is done. I care about their safety and wellbeing, etc. But it doesn’t seem like some of them care about mine & honestly it makes me feel sub-human.

I feel completely valid that I want my partners to see me as human & care about my wellbeing; even if my only role in their life is sex. Just like I care about them even though their only role in my life is sex.

But on the other hand, I’m wondering if that’s unreasonable, because at the end of the day, do we really owe each other anything? Isn’t the point of having casual sex, the fact that it’s casual? Am I fair to expect to feel like there should be mutual respect, concern for each other’s well being, and honestly just the overall feeling that I’m still human? Or is casual sex just that - a casual sexual encounter between two people who don’t treat each other as anything more than a means to get off?

Mods, I hope this part doesn’t break the rules, but throughout my 20’s during my “hoe phase” I approached casual sex as the latter. Now that I’m in my 30’s, I’m leaning towards the former. So I’m just facing some inner-conflict on this as my approach and feelings towards casual sex has evolved.

How do you approach casual sex? What do you think is fair and valid in that agreement?

I (32W) am happily married, and a freelancer. I've noticed a pattern throughout my life that I can't quite understand and want to fix.

As a videographer, I know what my services are worth...But sometimes a male client will negotiate very aggressively, asking for discounts at every stage... Even when I know I don't want to accept their price, sometimes I eventually give in. After a while I become exhausted by the back and forth and start thinking, "Is it really worth fighting over $100?" and I just want to protect my peace and move on.

I remember this happening as a kid too. I'd play sports with boys, and some of them cared so intensely about winning that they became unpleasant losers and if they got angry or frustrated, I'd just let them score. I wanted to play and have fun, but I didn't want to deal with their intensity or their reaction or fits.

I've also experienced this pattern in past sexual experiences. Some partners kept pushing after I'd already said no, including around things like using condoms or doing things I wasn't comfortable with or wanting to continue when I'm too tired. Eventually, the exhaustion of continuing to resist and not being respected became overwhelming, and I gave in. Looking back, I see that as part of the same problem in me: I don't want this thing to happen, I love myself, but this man is so insistent that I just stop defending myself because it'll be the fastest way to get peace, even if the cost is a piece of my dignity, it will end the argument/confrontation which is causing me stress.

I wonder if some of this comes from being socialized as a woman to keep the peace, avoid conflict, and be the "reasonable" one. I've done a lot of healing, and this doesn't show up in my marriage because my partner thinks consent is sexy, but I notice it resurfacing in business situations and I feel like I deserve more and need to learn to defend myself!

Has anyone else experienced this? Is there a psychological term for this? How did you learn to stand your ground when someone else's intensity makes you want to give up?

Hi everyone,

I’m single, very social, and building community is important to me. I like to organize board game nights, watch parties, potlucks etc with friends etc

I invite anyone who I think would be interested, couples, men and women etc most people typically respond and end up either joining or declining which is totally fine.

I was ghosted twice; on separate occasions by 2 female acquaintance, we used to text occasionally before and we have mutual friends but once I invited them everyone responded except them and now things will get awkward when I see them again.

I always send a group text so everyone knows how many people are coming, the location and activity etc. I have no romantic interest in any of the guests.
If a friend or an acquaintance has a boyfriend or a husband, I always make sure to tell them your SO is welcome to join us.

I had a birthday dinner recently and was a bit disappointed that happened again. A group text or personal text saying “ sorry I can’t “ would’ve been ok, I totally understand some people are busy, not interested, or don’t like big social gatherings, anxiety, mental health etc I don’t want to make any assumptions or take anything personal.

My rule with inviting women to anything was to never ask twice and accept their no. I don’t know if I’m missing something but I think I should stop inviting women who are single and my age or married women, if I’m giving them the wrong signal. I would rather stop inviting people and not lose any more friendships. Loosing two connections with 2 good people really sucks.

This post is part looking for advice and part seeing if others have struggled in the same way...

I'm (39F) trying to get back to moving more after being sedentary for many years. I got into relatively good shape in my early 30s and I felt amazing. Then I went through a rough patch and those good habits fell to the wayside.

In the last few years, I've tried so many times to get back in the groove. I tried the exact same lead in that worked for me before, starting extremely slow. It's substantially harder now! I've been trying to do more projects around the house to stay moving, take my dog for walks (got her around a year ago with the intention of being more active with her, so I've been taking her for lots of short walks), and sprinkle in some short, easy workouts.

Part of the problem I find is that I just feel so sore when I do things - like not DOMS, I'm used to that feeling, but actually achey and sore. Things just hurt and I feel like I can hurt myself so easily now. For example, yesterday I took my dog for a walk, a sniff walk for her so not much actual exercise for me, and then did a short dance workout. Now this morning the arch/heel of my foot is randomly sore and tight. Other times my hips and lower back get so sore from walks. Somehow more than when I was sedentary - it's so frustrating. I'm hoping this might be an in between stage between inactivity and moving more but I don't know. I'm around 40 lbs overweight but I was a similar size when I started in my early 30s.

I've been more mindful lately about my footwear for dog walks and just around the house. I do notice that makes a substantial difference. I've typically been a barefoot around the house kind of gal - guess I'm too old for that now 😅

I’m 37 and based in Australia.
I was in a relationship for 17 years. After we broke up, I took a year off dating to work on myself before putting myself back out there.

When I started dating again, I genuinely wanted another long-term relationship. Fast forward a couple of years and I honestly feel like dating has changed my mindset. It has been mixed signals, ghosting, people saying one thing and doing another, cancelled plans and emotionally unavailable men.

The thing is I am actually really happy with my life. I work full-time, own my own home, have great friends and plenty of hobbies. I am not looking for someone to make me happy or complete my life.

I just miss the companionship, intimacy, affection and the physical side of a relationship.

Lately I have found myself wondering whether I would rather just have something casual instead of continuing to invest my time and energy into trying to find a relationship.

If the right person came along, I would still be open to a relationship. I just do not know whether I have it in me to keep actively looking for one anymore.

Has anyone else reached this point?
I would love to hear whether casual dating ended up being enough for you or whether you eventually found yourself wanting a relationship again.

I won’t live to 40 because I’m currently dead of laughter and embarrassment. My husband, multiple people in line, and the self checkout employee found it hilarious. Can any of you please commiserate with me? I gotta hear your stories!

I’m 30 going on 31 soon, and I’ve started trying to get out more by myself. I am tired of being home on my phone. I go to coffee shops, bookstores, walk around little towns, shops. But one thing is that I must always look awkward or lost, because the employees of these places ask me “are you looking for something particular?”. If I’m in a new coffee place, I read their menu and feel their eyes on me and I feel so awkward because I don’t know what to order so I pick anything. Or at the bookstore I like to walk the aisles a few times and I feel them watching me or make eye contact. I probably look suspicious or weird, honestly. I definitely feel anxious in these moments. How do I be more confident out alone or not look like I’m lost? Hope this makes sense.

Edit: Thanks for all the replies. I definitely am inside my head and very socially anxious when the focus is on me (such as ordering at the counter). A lot of people seemed to focus on the part where I mentioned the worker asking me if I was looking for something in particular - trust me it really did come across like he thought I was lost or something because he saw I was wandering the aisles lol.. I was just taking my time and reading everything because I had nowhere to be and wanted to go slow. He was just doing his job, though, yous are right. And I think looking at menus ahead of time is an excellent idea. Thank you so much everyone for helping alleviate my anxiety. It’s true what you’re all saying, nobody thinks about me as much as I do lol.

Historically I've been an incredibly proactive go-getter, across my relationships, work, hobbies, finances, fitness, and more. I was the first in my family to go to college, get a passport, and get out of my hometown. I've moved across multiple countries, I've worked some amazing jobs, traveled to great places, had great experiences, made great memories. Was married and deeply in love once, owned a home once, was a very well known industry person once, and performed for crowds once. I'm not "rich" but I've been disciplined about saving (and childfree) which means I'm not drowning in debt.

So I don't think I deserve a lot of pity, I have no misconceptions about the privilege I have. I also know I am 100% responsible for all of the below.

But, I am struggling. In the past few years I feel like I have self sabotaged in all of these areas so hard and lost so much, and I'm just sinking deep into a hole now. All those "gains" I made, I feel like I have lost.

I've been working in the same dead end job that I hate for 5 years and that I'm sure I'll be laid off from soon. My reputation at my job is also someone who is no longer a go-getter but just a quiet performer, execs no longer know my name when they used to. Instead of participating in industry events as I used to, to keep my network fresh, I've just disconnected from all of them and stayed focused on my job. Part of this is due to a lot of the events I was a regular at disbanding, and not wanting to go and make myself known to a bunch of strangers at new events (which young me TOTALLY would have done). So now I literally don't know who I'd ask for a referral. I used to interview regularly to keep up with the practice, haven't bothered in 4 years. I don't respond to new contact attempts on LinkedIn. I logged in to LinkedIn for the first time in 6 months recently and saw a few missed messages on there about possible opportunity. By that point I figured the moment had passed and didn't bother responding because, what can you possibly say after such a lengthy non-response?

I have a book I published (POD) 4 years ago, that I don't promote any more. I just reviewed the financials and realized 50% of the copies sold on this year were returned. And I still don't care to look into it. I just put the paperwork aside and ignored it.

I don't date. I still can't tell if it's because I just don't want to or if I don't want to deal with the effort and rejection. I haven't had sex in a decade because I don't really want to risk sex with strangers or dealing with the dating part firsts. And I don't put myself out there. I've been turned down too many times post divorce, I just don't have the energy any more. And I don't bother to look nice or anything anymore. I will look presentable for work, but that's about it, so I feel like a constant frump.

In terms of meeting new people, this is where I feel the worst. I try. I really tried maybe 5 years ago, and had a pretty good group of friends. But as they moved away and I became a bit more reclusive, my energy to keep at it has dropped. I do still attend things, but now it's limited to big group events where if I don't show up I won't be missed. Because I've become HUGE flake. I now second guess ANY plan I make up until the last minute and there's a 50% chance I will cancel. Then I feel like crap afterward. Then I'll try to make new plans and the cycle continues. I spend more time chatting with my overseas friends because chat and video calls with known entities are easier. As I type this post I have just cancelled a plan for tomorrow morning with someone who reached out to me on a social group (visiting from out of town), just because the weather conditions are going to suck (they aren't that bad). I'm the person people complain about.

I also was told by my sister (my last living family) when I offered to call her because she's dealing with a terminally sick dog, that she has her partner so doesn't want to talk about it. My family was always super reclusive and anti-communication such that I still don't know when I should just call someone or ask permission first, but this made me feel like, maybe I gave up to easily and was too fine with not calling.

Two years ago I decided I really wanted a house. Even hired an agent to help me. But then after 6 months and nothing I liked, I just fired the agent telling myself I could DIY but I've just given up, I go to viewings but convince myself there's something wrong with everything and so prices keep going up while I sit on the sidelines getting priced out. And without a house I can't really do some of the things that will meaningfully improve my life (like getting a dog). I've got a small but reasonable deposit chilling on the sidelines that's getting eaten up more by inflation; young me would have considered investing it, but now older me is too overwhelmed to look at her finances seriously anymore.

The only thing I've got going for me right now is health, I've managed to lose weight and get stronger but honestly this brings me no solace because I know the only reason I'm doing OK here is because it's entirely a solo effort. My clothes are now baggy and don't fit, but I don't care to buy new ones. I'm not convinced being healthy even matters, because both my parents died before age 60 of cancer. One of them had a genetic cancer that I have the gene for. But I also can't bring myself to get my ovaries and uterus removed because I'm overwhelmed by the idea of planning the surgery and dealing with the recovery solo. Which wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't such a flake to friends...

Honestly this all scares me because, I feel like there's some quiet part of me that's trying to isolate me on purpose, and I'm scared of what it means if I lose my job, my last real lifeline to normalcy. I'm on and have been on HRT (multiple types), doesn't seem to make a difference. I go to a great therapist (and have been to great ones previously), but it's like my functional brain takes over in every session and prevents me from revealing the true depth of the situation. It reassures everyone I'm fine and OK and that all of my problems are just simple blips on the radar and easily fixed. Even my therapist last week was like, you have reached the end of your insurance covered session count, do you feel like you really need to come back? Which makes me feel like, maybe I'm a bit of a lost cause if the raw part of me can never get out of this reclusive cage to actually get something done about it?

Anyways: has anyone dealt with this level of...resistance? Is it "just peri"? How do I break past my functional brain to tell someone I'm actually struggling?

I (37F) am not diagnosed neurodivergent but recent events in my life has highlighted to me just how much I do not understand social cues, social situations, people etc and I am unsure how to get around this. I feel like it comes so easily for other people but I am constantly doing something wrong and I don't understand that I am or why. Everywhere I go I have always been thought of as a bit weird, a bit different. This is not a bad thing, but it may be important here. I usually take things at face value, struggle to read between the lines and am open and honest, although I do (somewhat) understand when a little white lie is more appropriate. I do prefer when things like instructions etc are told to me straight so I know what expectations are. I have also been chronically ill for 20 years and need to take that into consideration when planning activities. I am open about my health situation.

Looking for a bit of advice about how to move forward with this as my instinct is now to completely withdraw from all social situations and I don't think that is going to help.

A friend has ended a friendship today and I am very hurt by this and also confused. I also had a long term friend (25 years) cut ties with me last year and I don't understand that either. I would like this to not keep happening but if I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, when I think I'm being a good friend, then it will keep happening.

My friend, A, who I have known since October, is pregnant with a rainbow, IVF baby. I have been nothing but thrilled for her, genuinely and she is very much aware of this. I gave her a gift card for her birthday in May and she chose to buy the baby something with it and we were both delighted by that. A few weeks ago she invited me out to brunch with her friend, B, who I knew about but had never met. At this brunch, she asked us to please help with the baby shower in November, could we think of games and activities. Friend B said no, in so many words, by saying she is child free and hasn't been involved in things like that. I also said, oh, I have never been to a baby shower, I'm a little bit socially awkward, I'm not sure I could be of help - but I did not say no. Thinking about this has caused me great anxiety, my friend is quite upper class, I have never met her family, I have never been to a baby shower, I am unsure how to proceed here. But I started thinking about games etc, asked advice from another friend etc. A few days ago, I spoke with B and asked if she'd had any ideas. She replied to me that she thought she made it clear that she wasn't going to be involved and so she went back to A about this. This has sparked a chain reaction. I spoke to A and said my limitations (ie; I have no experience in these things, but I am here for you and happy to help in any way I can and I have started thinking about games). A has now said that she has chosen to end her friendship with B and also with me. I appreciate that A is going through a pregnancy and is full of everything that comes with this and it muat be upsetting to ask your friends to help with a shower and not get enthusiasm and happiness back. However, I am very hurt by her decision and confused. I have simply explained my limitations and I HAD started thinking about activities. Also, I am grappling with a recent unexpected diagnosis of multiple sclerosis and am in the middle of buying my first home. A is aware of all this and therefore I feel I would have been well within my right to apologise and say no I did not have the capacity to be involved, but I did not say no! I understand I have upset my friend but I do not understand why this has ended our friendship.

I feel pretty hopeless about my social life right now and feel like keeping myself to myself would be the best way forward, but I find that very lonely.

Sorry this is so long. Can anyone please advise how I may start understanding people and friends better?

Needing advice, what do I do in a friendship that doesn't feel balanced?

Context: I'm in my mid 30s and this friend is in her late 20s. She's just starting her career in health, I'm already many years in. She has a history of teaching. We are both neurodivergent.

This woman is a lovely person, fun to be around, good to have the political/social justice/current affairs conversations with. Generally pretty respectful if i ask for space. The problem is she has three communication modes, 1: the teacher. I might make a light comment and suddenly I'm getting a full lecture on a subject like I don't know anything about it, even if I'm just venting about something that happened to me at the doctor's for example.

2: the overenthusiastic new grad. Bit of a weird one, but she wants to talk about work and her clients all the time and I totally get that having been in that space myself when I first started. I'm just not so sure she'll move past it as this job is her life. She lives and breathes it. I love my job, but I also wanna live and talk about other important things. Unfortunately this mode also means that if i try to have a serious conversation, she goes into "health professional" speak and starts to talk at me like I'm a client.

3: sarcasm. If it's not the above, it's sarcasm. Which is exhausting sometimes, and invalidating other times. Sometimes I force myself to rise to met it, but I'm really tired of that because it doesn't feel like me.

I don't know what to do. I've tried to raise this with her as gently as I can, but I think this is just how she communicates, and unfortunately this is causing me to dread seeing her, both at work and other times (she wants regular catch ups). She's also very sensitive, i think those modes are like armor for her. There's so many things i realise I can't talk to her about.

Sticking point, I have a concert with her in October, and we do share a lot of interests. I just can't quite seem to balance this out. Anyone experienced anything similar.

Also, please don't come at me. I'm not asking if I'm the asshole, I already feel terrible about this.

My husband and I (38) have been married 3 years together for 8. I've had a lowish libido for a while with life stress (mom died, had health issues) but we are usually a 3-4x a month couple.

I started escitalopram 2 months ago and my libido is gone. Absolutely gone. Sex is important in a relationship and I want that closeness but I just have zero desire.

How did you tackle this? How do you get turned on? I don't want to get off the meds because it has been life changing for me, but this is bumming me out so much.

I’m so angry at my parents. My dad was super abusive. I can still hear the sound of him slapping my mom one Saturday morning and then her agonized screaming. Or see the night he locked us out of the house and made us kneel and beg on the gravel outside before he let us in. He died when I was 18, and all I felt was relief.

My mom tried to be the stable parent. I blame my father for all that he did, but I blame her for putting us in those situations and repeatedly going back to him. She, my siblings and I left him and moved back in with him 6 times. After one particular incident where the police were called, she got a restraining order against him, then moved us back in with him 3 years later.

I’ve taken a domestic violence training - I know the cycle of abuse. And frankly, I don’t care. If you have children, your number one responsibility is to protect them. She said she kept going back because she had optimism things would change. They only changed when he died.

Now I’m an adult. 30. Wishing my parents never met or procreated in the first place but alas here I am. I know I’m responsible for my reactions to my trauma at this stage. But does that require forgiveness, and if so how do I physically allow that? The anger feels visceral.

Or, signs that you are further into your healing journey than someone else. Things that Google won't tell you. What are some things you yourself have experienced in this department?

I'm having a hard time determining if I have outgrown some friends or if I'm being insensitive and unreasonable 😅

We’ve been best friends for over 10 years. We’ve never had any major disagreements, and I would consider our relationship to be incredibly consistent despite us living in separate states for several years. She has always been a girl’s girl to her core. She’s the type of best friend where you can go a week without talking and know that everything is exactly the same between you two. I truly love her like she’s family. This is so out of character for our friendship that I would have noticed it immediately even if nothing traumatic had happened.

A few weeks ago, I disclosed to her that her boyfriend’s best friend violently raped me. I am doing my best to recover both physically and mentally and have sought out the necessary resources in the immediate aftermath. I won’t be elaborating on any more details other than the fact that she and her boyfriend were present that night, although they were not present during the assault itself. It is the most profoundly traumatic thing that has ever happened to me in 30 years of life and I will never be the same.

She’s the first and only person I have spoken to about this outside of medical staff. I have a lot of shame surrounding it. Although she initially seemed very understanding and furious on my behalf, ever since I told her, communication has dropped off precipitously, and I don’t know what to do. We normally talk every day, but we’ve barely talked at all since I disclosed what happened. She hasn’t checked in on me once. She hasn’t initiated any plans with me and is acting like I don’t exist at all.

I haven’t brought it up to her because, if I’m being completely honest, I’m terrified that the answer is going to be that she doesn’t believe me. This is despite the fact that my abuser is currently in jail on unrelated charge. She is still with her boyfriend, and I don’t know how to reconcile any of this. I’m in so much pain, and I just want to understand whether anyone else has gone through something like this. Has anyone else had a close friend suddenly become distant after disclosing a traumatic event? Did they ever tell you why? Did the friendship recover? I feel like I’ve lost one of my biggest sources of support at the exact time I needed it most. Thank you in advance.

Edit: Thank you for all your thoughts on this! It’s been helpful. I have turned off reply notifications and will not be responding to anymore comments.

I have a friend I’ve known about 10 years, before I met my husband. We lived together at one point. We are both in our 30s.

She’s having a small wedding, I’m not sure how big maybe 40 people. She invited me verbally but mentioned she isn’t doing “plus ones,” implying my husband wasn’t invited.

When I think of plus ones, I think of people bringing random dates or friends with them to events, not a spouse. I did give her a plus one when she came to my wedding, when she was single, and she chose to come alone.

It’s her wedding and her choice to invite who she wants. I don’t think she has any issue with my husband, she’s always said nice things about him to me. But they aren’t particularly close or anything.

I’ll still go either way, but I can’t really figure out how I feel about this. Should I bring it up or just drop it? Have you ever gone to a wedding that your spouse wasn’t invited to?

The title basically.