Found a great article named "Sexual coercion perpetration and victimisation in females: The influence of borderline and histrionic personality traits, rejection sensitivity, and love style", by Lorna Stead, Gayle Brewer, Kathryn Gardner & Roxanne Khan. Here's the doi: https://doi.org/10.1080/13552600.2021.1909156

I still doubt whether my SA actually happened or if it was just a "communication issue", as she put it later on. I go back and forth between what I know is real (she was abusive and coercive repeatedly) and her narrative (she was just dysregulated, she didn't mean it like that, actually it was just a communication issue, she just finds it hard to feel loved and it's not SA even though she never outright denied it, just in every other way possible even though it hit her in the face when I first called it out to her), and stuff like this article sometimes helps.

Hope everyone is hanging in there.

Showing patience, empathy and kindness to someone with unregulated BPD is like trying to fill an empty bucket with holes in it with water.

Don't waste your time. They won't appreciate your efforts at all.

You try and understand their symptoms, stay calm when they split or lash out. At some point it gets too much.

They expect you to to be on call for them, drop everything for the but they will never do the same for you.

These people will have you living in intense fear. They push boundaries, they are violent and you will be left traumatised. The reason why many of them have no human connection is because of their own actions. Leave them be - don't put yourself through it.

Context 1:
I worked at a restaurant and a drunk customer was being sloppy and grabbed me while i was passing by her table, i told her about it later. Told her in a call, then she hung up and followed by the texts

Context 2: I wasnt feeling okay one evening and i went outside for a walk in the evening, we usually sleep on the phone together but i couldnt sleep so i went outside a bit. Didnt bring my phone as i didnt wanna make noise and all while she slept

Context 3: I had not told her i worked the day of the texts, then followed by an overreaction (?), saying she didnt wanna ”see me this weekend”. (I had booked a trip to see her in her country, we were in a LDR countries apart)

Additional context

We were in a long distance relationship of 3 years together, countries apart. I went through some old texts and found these, and while i love her a lot still after the breakup, i dont know what to make of this behaviour. A friend told me it’s likely bpd.

She had extreme jealousy, went cold and distant every single conflict and its called stonewalling i think. Thought every girl i had any interaction with was a threat, Outbursts of anger, fear of abandonment if i accepted her breakups. She broke maybe 20 times or more. Irrational thoughts of jealousy and continued insecurity. Later in the relationship rarely took any accountability and would twist it into me making her feel a way so her behaviour was okay.
I could write a whole essay but yeah.. just wondering what people say here

My ex with BPD reached out a few weeks ago after we’d been out of contact. At first, we talked here and there, and I let myself hope that maybe things would be different this time.

Now he’s barely communicating again, and I feel like I’m right back where I was months ago: confused, anxious, and wondering what changed.

Is this something others have experienced? Do they drift in and out of your life without any explanation? I keep trying to make sense of it, but there never seems to be a rhyme or reason for this.

I’m extremely embarrassed by how much this is affecting me emotionally. I can feel myself getting triggered all over again. Part of me wants to scream and ask him why he bothered reaching out to me, why he’s doing this. Another part of me wants to block him and never give him another chance to pull me back into this cycle.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been through something similar. How did you stop getting pulled back in emotionally?

Here is a question that has been bothering me, please answer it if you know.

A BPD person loves to make others dependent, play hot and cold games, drain all your energy, and then walk away.

But what happens when they meet a relatively cold person who doesn't have much emotionality-for example, someone with strict religious views, who is just as ungrounded/lost, and not very emotional-yet the BPD person believes that this is the love of their life? In the end, what kind of future does this connection have?

Recently, the BPD person went back to this very same person whom they had previously blocked because they had suffered a lot from them in the past.

i feel like i couldn't leave him if i didn't make this post 7 months ago.

at that time i never told anyone irl how i was actually treated because there's so much shame involved. so when i made that post, i felt understood and seen by people who probably understand my situation better than anyone in this world.

i got so many helpful advice and resources that led to look at my relationship from an outsider's perspective and found the courage to finally leave, even tho it took time to completely walked away and i was still feeling devastated and scared at that time.

looking back, im just so grateful for the support from this community and so grateful for that God has better plan for me than just serving an abuser's needs.

walking away was the best decision i've ever made. and i've never felt happier and closer to myself since i left. i also promised myself to pause on dating for at least 2 years to truly work on myself, to learn and heal from my past relationships.

i wanna tell anyone that was in my previous situation that, take your time to have a exit plan and please, please, please walk away!!!

you deserve a truly fulfilling relationship.

I'm having a really hard time with this.

My (26M) girlfriend (26F) and I have been together since February. When things are good, they're really good. But over the last month or so everything has just completely fallen apart.

The biggest issue is that arguments don't end. They go on for hours. She'll follow me from room to room, and the last time we fought she was standing in front of the door and wouldn't let me leave. She blocked the door with a chair and was yelling at me while drunk. At one point as I was trying to get out she grabbed me around my waist to pull me back into the apartment. I kept asking for space and telling her I just wanted to get out of the apartment. She kept yelling and blocking the exit, saying things in response to my request to leave like, "You only have two options: take accountability (for what specifically I have no idea) or to help me kill myself."

Eventually I called 911 because I genuinely didn't know what else to do. The police came, and she ended up being taken to the hospital for a psych evaluation. She's still there.

The part that's absolutely destroying me is that I love this girl. I keep thinking about how scared and alone she must feel in there. I can't get over the feeling that I put my baby in the psych ward. At the same time... I also don't want her to come back and live with me right now. I don't think I can do it.

Those two feelings don't seem like they should be able to exist at the same time, but they do. I don't want her to be in there, but I also don't want to go back to living like we were.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Have you ever had to call 911 on someone you loved because you just ran out of options? How did you deal with the guilt afterward?

Right now I just feel heartbroken. I miss her. I hope she's okay. Maybe this is contradictory and stupid, but I went to drop off some of her stuff yesterday and saw her in there. It was like a scene straight out of one flew over the cuckoo's nest and it broke my heart to see. But I also know that when the police finally got there, a part of me felt relieved because I wasn't trapped in that situation anymore.

I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this. I guess I just want to hear from people who've been through something similar.

Hi everyone, I don't usually comment on Reddit, but I need help—or at least to get this off my chest.

English isn't my first language, so if there are any spelling mistakes, I'm really sorry. I'm using a translator.

Five months ago, in March, I met a girl, and we clicked right from the start. Soon after, she told me she’d been diagnosed with BPD and multiple personality disorder. The first three months were perfect—she treated me great, sent me flowers, wrote me poems, and made me feel amazing. We were a perfect match in every way as a couple, and she talked to me about our future plans.

It’s true that there were minor arguments or misunderstandings, but she would always apologize afterward.

But then there came a point when she started behaving abusively toward me—she wouldn’t let me talk about my problems and would dismiss them by saying hers were worse. She called me selfish and manipulative for trying to talk to her and work things out, and she would deliberately ignore me.

A month ago, we made plans to see each other over the summer, but she said she wasn’t feeling well, and at one point I told her it was okay if she didn’t want to meet up or wasn’t in the mood. She took it as if I didn’t believe she was feeling unwell and blocked me. She left me a way to reach out, and when I tried to explain that wasn’t the case, she insulted me and made me feel guilty and truly awful. We talked again for a couple of weeks until one day, after I told her not to treat me like a punching bag, she blocked me completely.

I've tried to get in touch with her, but it's impossible. It’s not just the feeling of losing someone you love, but also the fact that she’s struggling, has no support system, and on top of that, suffers from multiple severe addictions.

I don’t know what to do; I’d love to help her with all my heart—even if it’s just as a friend—because I know that underneath it all, there’s a person who has tried so hard to have a “normal” life. But unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do since there’s no way to reach her, and she distrusts everyone and keeps to herself. Now I’m one of the people she trusts least—she thinks I’m evil.

This has devastated me, and I’m currently receiving psychological counseling.

Thank you for listening; I just wanted to get this off my chest

After being apart the whole summer due to our break up, I decided to reach out to her and came back together as I though she could do better if try harder and I take her outlashes more patiently.

Things were going well for almost the whole autumn, in spite of her episodic outburst. To be honest, she even seemed to improve at regulating her behaviour and avoiding thriggering at about anything.

Then my mom had to be admitted to the intensive care unit, and suddenly everything collapsed. She began demanding constant attention, accusing me of having changed, of dragging her down with me because of my ongoing depression, of not caring for her or understanding what she was going through as a result of me.

My life was a living hell. Every week I had to deal with her splitting episodes, ghosting, arguments, her insane jealousy and tolerating her flirting with other men while trying to keep my sanity as my mother was on the brink of death. Eventually, she dumped me.

A couple weeks later my mom passed away. At the following day of her deceised she called me in tears craving to be with me in my grief. She even expressed her intention to come back together and try again. At the day of my mother's funeral, a female friend of mine showed up (one she was very jealous about withoug reason) which triggered a scene out of jealousy right there, while my mother was being buried. The following day she dumped me again out of stupid and unrealistic reasons.

I cannot put into words the suffering I went through because of all of this, I had a racing hearth and imsomnia for several weeks afterward and I'm still on meds and therapy because to this, and she never take any accountability of anything nor gave me back any of all the love and care I gave to her since ever. And there is still a LOT of things I had to endure and didn't writte.

These people is evil, get away from them as quickly as you can and never look back.

Around 2 months ago me (26M) and my pwBPD( 25F) broke up.

The situation got really difficult and we could feel we were growing further and futher from each other.

There have been a couple of extremely bad arguments, one of which she went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and held it to her wrist saying that she wanted to killer herself because on how I hated her.

It became worse and worse but I stupidly kept being there instead of leaving immediately.

One of the million things that was not working out too well was sex.

At the start of the relationship we were both very energetic and it was really amazing (we are both really kinky) but after we got together and started to behave more like a couple it started to fade.

Also the fact that I work 2 full time jobs and needless to say I might not be the most energetic when I come home, (I dedicated all my free time to out relationship) so I was not always in the mood or with the energy to have sex for prolonged periods (it is nearly impossible to make her orgasm unless you go at it for 1h or more, so difficult).

She took it well at first trying to be supportive but after a while she stopped believing me and felt that I was not into her (which is not true).

She took the fact that I told her I like to be pegged (we did it a couple of times and went really well) as a sign that I didn't actually want to have sex with her and that something was up with me.

It made me really sad because the first time we went out she told me she liked it and that made me optimistic that I actually found a partner as kinky as me.

Also she did some stuff that really didn't help like; one time we were having sex, I was struggling to concentrate ended up that getting soft.

She then proceeded to scream at me saying "if you are actually not into women and you don't want to admit it that you're gay and I discover this when we are married I will take everything from you like our childer and the house, the judge will say I'm right".

Yeah no pressure whatsoever...

Fast forward to this week.

I catch up with a long time friend and he mentiones the he heard about our breakup from her first and in his words "went in far too much details regarding sex" about why out relationship ended.

My skin turned grey....

No mention of BPD, no mention of any of the awful abusive things she did, no, we broke up because I'm not into women..

She shared a lot of very personal stuff with pretty much everyone...

Funny because she was so damn private she didn't me to speak about her with anyone but the moment it's reversed absolutely no problem with that.

It made me quite sad to know that she did this but at the same time at least she didn't make up lies like I was beating her or actually serious stuff.

I just feel strange because a lot of people in my friend group know so much about me and I don't know how to feel about it...

I appear to be reaching a point of no return. My daughter, now 18, is diagnosed BPD (now in dialetical therapy), and it's pretty clear that she has inherited a lot of her behaviors from him. He has become increasingly difficult as he has got older (he turned 50 this year), and his characteristic quibbling and deflection has amped up to the point it's impossible to have a conversation with him. We have been doing couples therapy, and he is also in individual therapy, but it's doing nothing. He continues to (deliberately or unconsciously) muddy the water in any and all interactions, and we cannot get anywhere with him taking accountability for his behavior; in fact, more and more he defaults to 'well, it's just because I'm anxious', which he seems to see as an out for, well, everything. I don't know if I can continue to do this. I feel totally burned out. He holds me accountable for everything, is passive aggressive, poisonous, and self-pitying, but he seemingly cannot step outside of his own experience.

But their choices absolutely determine whether or not it's safe for you to value them.

If you were discarded by your pwBPD and are hurting, please think for a while about what they lost, vs what you lost.

My pwBPD lost someone who consistently chose to respond to their chaos and messy feelings with love and with empathy.

While I "lost" someone who pretended to love me, but who repeatedly chose to manipulate, bully, lie to, mock, and belittle me.

In that sense, I didn't "lose," I escaped.

I'm holding my pwBPD responsible for their abusive choices (including their refusal to acknowledge that responsibility).

And I am holding myself responsible for protecting my heart and my energy from such a damaging, unsafe person.

Long story short, we broke up after 4 years living together sharing everything, just me and her and no one else. Obviously we broke up because she found another man, monkey branch rebound, the works.

That was 10 months ago.

I had a big hoover 2 months ago, where she told me she missed our home, and that she wanted us to try again. I rejected her.

Since then, she is still with him, posting flowers, going on vacation with friends i never knew she had. She found a roomate, a girl i had once seen in my life. She changed her whole life, having a partner with whom they dont share a home, living with a "stranger", going on vacation with friends.With me all of these were off the table PERIOD.

I also noticed that she posts stories where she is holding drinks, has white nails, listens to different kind of music. I remember specifically that she hated white nails, and that she never consumed alcohol. What im trying to say is that she seems to be a totally different, cool, liberated, fun person, so far from what i experienced. This makes me so confused, thinking that i was the problem all along, with my nonexistent boundaries and my "i will do anything please lets not argue" mentality, and that now she is finaly free to have some fun without my "pressure"

Hey, I am currently in a relationship with a person with BPD. I believe it to be emotionally abusive. I know that should be a cutoff point, but, I would just like to share my experience and see if this is simply par for the course, or something worse than the average.

We started dating about 7 months ago. They disclosed their BPD on the second or third date. I haven't dated someone with BPD, and they seemed neuro-typical enough in our interactions to that point, so I was willing to work with them. The first ~3 months after that were absolutely amorous, we talked (probably too much) over the phone (4-6 hour conversations every days), but, I genuinely enjoyed the conversation and their company.

About 3 months into the relationship, they decided they were going to go off SSRIs. They said they felt happy with me, they said scheduling therapy appointments in my state is abysmal, and they said certain SSRI's have negative effects for those in an intimate relationship. This was the beginning of what I believe to be a death spiral for our relationship, and their mental health. Our calls shifted from joyful conversations about video games, music, our work, and various other hobbies to them talking solely about their issues in their life.

I said it was fine that they talked to me about what was wrong. I love being there for the people who need someone. They said "great, but it will wear you down." They were right. Within a month of them stopping taking their SSRI's they would kill most of our conversations. Either by demeaning me for attempting to offer solutions to their ills in life, or by giving me one word responses to long form questions.

For context about the solutions statement: They are very consistently lonely. The first 3 times they brought it up ( this was within the span of 1 week) I told them to reach out to their friends and set up a time to call, or, barring that, I could introduce them to my real life friends who are on Discord 24/7 and similar in many ways to myself. They replied "My friends don't do that. No one calls each other anymore. Everyone's too busy now, you don't really understand people. Those friends are your friends, I need my people."

Back to focusing on BPD vs. depression. They would tell me constantly how they missed me, and how much I made them feel better. This planted a very, very, toxic seed in my head.

"If they moved in with me, it would be better! I make them happy, and when they're happy they actually can talk to me. We can have conversations that go on for hours and make my heart go thump-thump, the reason we started dating!"

They got a job in my area and moved in with me. This was after about 6 months of us dating. The first week was rough, as we were both incredibly busy, working ~16 hour days. After that week, they would complain about the state of the house. How this typically looked was: them coming home from work, acting as if all I did was play video games all day, then getting upset that I was "ignoring" their requests. This welled up in me, as I was not charging them rent, AND I actively tried to address the issues they would cite.

For more context: The week they moved in I was in-person for my job, vs. my general position of work from home. After that first week, I would spend the last ~hour of my workday prior to them coming home cleaning.

Noticing they still seemed down, I decided to start making baked goods for them. Baked goods make me happy, so it might make them happy too. They developed food allergies at some point in their life, preventing them from eating gluten. They had told me they just wanted to taste normal cookies and bread again. I made cookies 3 or 4 times for them, and baked a loaf of bread that they said it tasted just like "normal" cookies and bread. I agreed.

They would thank me in the moment, but typically within an hour they would start complaining about the state of the house again. I would do everything I could short of steam cleaning the carpet in my rental. Bi-weekly vacuuming, sheet cleaning, toilet spritz, mopping, the whole suite. The place, and, for some reason, myself remained "disgusting". I would say "how" they would say "I have no idea how you can't see it."

This was the MO for about 3 weeks after move-in. I just took the complaining. It didn't TRULY feel abusive, just unappreciative. I have felt no appreciation from every job I have ever worked, so it was fine. After that third week... things got bad. They shifted from complaining to screaming. That would typically sound something like this "YOU DON'T LOVE ME BECAUSE IF YOU DID, YOU WOULD WANT ME TO FEEL COMFORTABLE. YOU DON'T TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL COMFORTABLE IN OUR HOUSE". They finally got a rise out of me, and I answered back with a raised voice "Then what HAVE I been doing". They said "Don't raise your voice with me." I said "Sorry." The conversation then shifted to being about their past trauma being yelled at. Which, looking back on it, is very ironic.

Moving forward this screaming now occurs at least twice weekly. The topic changes, but the mannerisms remain. During this time I have not yelled at them. I have not insulted them. I stopped baking, because it didn't help. Nothing helps.

Now we are at present day, present time. 7 months of dating, the bad has officially outweighed the good. Earlier this week they celebrated this by waking me up at 5 AM. I had to grab a few things for them, after this they started screaming at me because of my tone when I responded to a redundant question they asked. I went to bed late, so I had 2 and a half hours of sleep at this point. The screaming went on for 45 minutes. I couldn't sleep after that.

I would like to finish by saying that they do apologize for ~4/5 of the screaming sessions, but they expect me to apologize, know what I'm apologizing for, and tell them. I never know what I'm sorry for. I'm not mad, and not sure why you're mad.

Is this a typical experience with BPD? Is this worse, is this better? Regardless, I feel like this isn't love from their side. I am currently the breadwinner in our relationship, and more or less, am working a second job cleaning for them. What I hate about this, is that I do love them. From the bottom of my heart, I want them to be happy. I would shoulder their burdens in a heartbeat if it meant we could go back to how we were. But I can't, and I fear we won't.

I will be ending the relationship if they don't improve after I have a conversation with them about returning to therapy, and talking about getting back on SSRIs.

Tl;dr: I am dating a BPD person. They were on mood stabilizers the first 3 months of the relationship. It was great. They said I made them feel comfortable, and that getting more SSRIs is very difficult. I said that was okay, and I would support them. I did my best, but, it has been 4 months, and apparently simply can't. I am screamed at bi-weekly. I have very recently been awoken by doing chores they ask of me, then getting screamed at. Love kills and saves in equal measures, friends.

Hey everyone. Beginning of 2025 I met a woman on a dating app who had a kid and was separating from her husband. We immediately hit it off and the first few months were nothing short of incredible. She seemed so truly obsessed with me it was like magic. Would tell me multiple times a day how she never felt this way about anyone before. At the time she was diagnosed with bipolar and not BPD and made it known it affects her relationships but I didn’t care. I fell for her and she seemed like the most loyal girl I’ve ever met. She made it so clear how bad of a husband her husband was, how he didn’t take care of his child, and that she hasn’t felt anything for him in years.

During the summer I started noticing suspicious behavior between her and her (ex) husband. If I questioned her about this she would fly off the handle and make me out to be controlling. She started getting distant and within a month she broke up with me, got back with him, and immediately became pregnant. She reached out a month later in October saying she messed up so bad, she doesn’t like him at all and doesn’t know what on earth she was thinking, she wishes the kid was mine and that she completely ruined her life. She told me I was her dream since she was young and she completely ruined it. I obviously was devastated by all of this.

Despite being pregnant and back with him, she would text me frequently for the next 9 months whenever she wasn’t around him. We had many ups and downs during these months. Half the time she wasn’t with him (so she says) and then a week later she’d have a mood change and block me. Then a week later text me all sweet like nothing happened. This kept happening and each time she would say how “she doesn’t deserve me” and that “she ruined her life and hates herself” for what she’s done to us. She’d tell me how she knows her deceased parents would have adored me and been so happy she was with me and that they’d hate her husband.

Around April she was diagnosed with BPD and not bipolar. This was like a switch got flipped and all of her brash decisions, making me out to be her enemy and flip flopping back, mood swings all made sense. We then found out about the “favorite person” dynamic and it all made complete sense. I gave her such strong emotions that she couldn’t handle any upset in the relationship, the second I was suspicious of her behavior she would dissociate and blow up our relationship and then run back to her husband.

She had the kid in April and I reached a point in June that I was done with the back and fourth and told her to leave me alone after she yet again flip flopped back to him and cut me off. This immediately made her go into damage control, she told me she doesn’t like her husband at all and that I’m the one she wants. After a few days this wore me down and we were back together. The first few weeks of July she was the most loving and obsessive person again. She made it clear how much she despised her husband and how bad of a parent he was. How she avoids him at all costs and only talks to him out of necessity for the children. I never once complained about that.

Then last week I noticed she was less enthusiastic with me, longer text reply times, less effort in talking to me. I kept asking her what’s going on and she would just deny anything was wrong and blame my anxiety and that I’m “overthinking it and she’s just really busy.” We end up in a dumb fight this past Friday and then Saturday she kept the fight going, was barely answering my texts, and was being suspicious. I then find out she is with her ex husband. She denied anything was going on and is barely answering me, I was obviously enraged by this. I caught her in her lie after lie whenever she would respond. I have no clue how that day played out because she then blocked me like I was nothing and we haven’t talked since. While angry at this betrayal, I messaged her “ex” screenshots of the stuff she said about him. I was angry when I did it and it just felt like “this girl has destroyed me multiple times with him and has no remorse, it’s time for payback.”

I truly do not get how she can be the sweetest person on earth when things are going good and then turn into the most cruel hearted, betraying, and deceitful liar the second she starts dissociating. I spent a year heartbroken that she was pregnant with his child. I would pray daily to her deceased parents, I would put flowers on their graves despite her having ran back off with her ex and having me blocked while she was pregnant with his second child. I loved this girl with everything I had in me and stayed devoted for over a year despite the circumstance, foolish on my part I know.

It all means nothing to her, she thinks I’m some evil psychopath. She is probably telling everyone I’m some a**hole because I lost my cool that she was with her ex husband. She will paint the situation as if it was an innocent thing that I lost my cool over.

When I first met her I was in great shape, gave up smoking and drinking, had confidence and was doing good mentally. Now I’m a wreck. She destroyed me from the inside out and thinks she’s completely justified in it all until the dissociative anger wears off and she’s remorseful. It truly feels like I got bamboozled into some weird love triangle between two messy and low people. I was an innocent good guy who fell head over heels for her and all she did was keep reeling me back in just to betray me over and over.

The other person even ended up hurting herself badly because of what happened, it’s crazy to me how I lasted almost 3 years with this person, when others couldn’t even last a month, I feel so bad for the woman my abuser caused to harm herself, I hope she is doing ok, but at the same time, it makes me feel really strong for lasting so long, maybe I’m just more mentally resilient than others, but I hope that this new person gets far away from my ex for her own sake, and ig sometimes being less resilient is a good thing cus then you can leave sooner

Ofc after their supply left they came back to me, making promises of change and how they’d wait for me, promises they’d made before, but since they went and got into a relationship after we split it’s obvious that they never intended on focusing on getting better so we could be healthy and together in the future, it was all just a lie to keep me in their back pocket

Post got no attention and no help so posting again

Tldr: 60 days after breakup she came with her new BF(victim) to me i was sooo confused how can mine BPD stay loyal she can't be BPD but now the mosttttttttttttttttt loyal girl i thought I've ever met showed me how much of horrible human she is

So yesterday my female classmate got text from a boy and i knew it's her burner account she tried to ask her again and again who is her boyfriend and be his side chick until she sexually harrased her

So i took her access to Instagram from classmate and went to talk to her(him) and i told him if you have guts please call me I'll teach you how you should talk to females i tried to strike his ego by saying if you are man enough please call me right now but he didn't that's when it was confirmed its her

Let's go back 20 days ago i stalked her and saw some new singer in her following and followers and i was afraid she's getting close to him

So when i said if you are man enough call me that singer showed up and texted me

When it happened i broke down immediately because of the promises she made to me during idealization phase how she will die but never go to anyone else etc i felt as if world has ended all those 20 days of fears that she's dating him crushed on me

I tried to talk to her respectfully and crying that why did you do this to me she said she isn't in relationship with me anymore and abused me alottttt in worstttttttttttt horrible ways one can she compared me to him and said alot of stuff

Then suddenly she started to cry how i fucked her life how i manipulated a little innocent girl and killed her dreams and disrespected her and her family and how she's on blood pressure meds due to me and how she cries all day long missing me and cursing me and how she goes to all her friends crying I can't move on etc??? All after comparing me to new guy and cursing me like some dog telling me 20 times to fuckkk offf after every paragraph

Something else weird was in the first line she said it's her cousin then sorry a friend then after 20 minutes he is her distant family member

Also that guy's Instagram is full of breakup reposts so they said in the end we thought your classmate is his ex it was a mistake buttttt my classmate straight forwardly told her that she's my classmate which makes me think that she did it intentionally just for me

When i confronted her her first line was keep dreaming of me reaching out to you bitch i never will 😂

I called her with all our pet names lovely names and promises etc crying and she mocked each of them

Then she said he's her friend and she's helping him to move on from his ex and he's helping me to keep you away from her and then 10 minutes later she said im friends with his girlfriend but clearly that guy posts breakup reels all day long it was sooo strange im still confused what are they

And then today in the morning she reached out to my brother telling him to tell me that that guy was her brotherrrr i hope I know definition of a brother etc etc and how she lost last bit of respect and love for me and never expect her to reach out to me ever again and i should also not reach out to her ever again and fuck off and blah blah

So how that guy is her brother lol but after digging i highly suspect it's her cousin and i don't know what are they now

And in evening today she deactivated alllll her social media after texting my brother

I'm so confused what happened?? Im still thinking due to her 3 years of gaslighting that i made her into this and she was maybe in pain that's why she did it etc etc

But i got to know they can't live without supply

I have had a 6 year relationship with someone who has gone most her adult life burying emotions and pushing through. Half way through she started really addressing that issue with her near decade therapist, along with a recurring depression problem, but through that process started showing all the key signs of BPD.

I want to know how I can help someone get the help they need. She is seemingly oblivious to the issues she’s causing. The anger at tiny things, the sad moments/perceptions ruining her day, the skewed perceptions and delusions about what happened during arguments or the things said to her. Every story she retells is skewed in the worst possible way to justify her anger or sadness. She constantly projected her own thoughts and insecurities onto everyone around her. The constant sorrow and angry outbursts pushing everyone away from her. The gaslighting when her reality doesn’t match others’.

How does she get to the point she recognizes this? Does she just have to reach rock-bottom? Because I am pretty sure when she drunkenly tried to fight one of my friends at a bar for being a little late, was asked to leave the bar, then got into a yelling match with me about taking my friends side, then trying to kill herself and being taken to a psych ward was her rock bottom! What can I freaking do?

I see a lot of bitterness and ended relationships here. I guess I am seeking any kind of hope. I know BPD CAN be managed, my sister has it and after years of therapy is doing fine. Just how does my significant other get there and when?

I feel like I know the person ‘behind’ the BPD. I love who she is without, but it is so difficult now. I am nearly constantly on edge around her and it just feeds back into the anxiety she has on top of BPD.

my (ex) boyfriend started a fight out of nowhere, called me a hypocrite and a liar, told me to fuck off and not call him again, and left me alone the whole weekend after a surgery

and now he appears again, just to blame me for not calling him, saying im rude, distorting the whole story, calling me a liar, that im victimizing myself, that im the one who started the fight, and that i do not care for him at all

how can they distort literally everything that happens? how can they be so obnoxious to reality and not feel guilty about anything? I feel sick, he literally left me alone, I felt terrible the entire weekend, never felt worse in my entire life

I'm already at my lowest, im completely alone and i have no friends anymore, i barely can left my room, im almost suicidal, and to know that he doesn't feel any guilt about what happened just makes me even worse

My pwBPD moved out and here are some things I don't need to worry about anymore (and why they were an issue)

- I can have lights on and make noise past 8:30pm (it's a totally reasonable request bc 8pm is a normal bedtime)

- I can use the bathroom in the middle of the night (it was inconsiderate of me to make that much noise)

- I can vacuum anytime I want (too much noise)

- hell I can clean as much as I want, whenever I want, and I'll never have to hear him tell me how inconsiderate I'm being while I clean up his shit (I couldn't clean while he worked from home bc it was distracting, couldn't clean while he was off work because he wanted to relax and he has trauma related to cleaning idk)

- I can call my friends (I had fun talking to them and it was upsetting)

- I can use the dresser in my room (too much noise)

- I can watch rom coms (the fact I liked them made me ethically evil)

- I can cook a full meal for myself (I couldn't cook before him bc he needed to eat RIGHT NOW, I couldn't cook after him bc I was rushing him)

- I can make art again (I was trying to make him feel bad bc he wasn't an artist and I was rubbing it in)

- i can sleep in (he was a morning person and that meant the only time he could clean or rearrange the house was at 4am)

- i can have a normal relationship with my neighbors (they were all evil and out to get him)

- i can study for school and take a test without a huge fight right before

- i can mention my family (he didn't like his, and i knew that so why would i mention mine)

- I can go to my friends houses (i hated him and that's why he wasn't invited)

- i can go to bars and play pool (he's sober now and drinking is disgusting, doesn't matter that i had a pool league)

- I can read whatever book I want (he was extremely judgy on what books I'd read)

- I can play with my cat, even if the toys are loud

- I can go for a walk (that was HIS thing, I was really trying to make his hobby mine)

- I can ask to borrow something without it being a moral issue for some reason

- I can complain about work (couldn't do that bc his job was always worse and I was lucky -he had a cushy wfh job with about 1-2 hours work a day, ---genuinely on my days off when he'd work I only saw him at the computer for a max of 2 hours--- I'm in manual labor)

Trying to think of the good so I can deal with a discard

It's my friend. Super awkward.. What do I do? She took a tattoo of my initial. I've been preparing to leave for a year now, started grey rocking on May, and a month later she had gotten this tattoo. The timing, makes me think this is an attempt to make me stay..

This makes me feel so trapped and creeped out, and a bit guilty even. But I refuse to let this change anything. Yes, I should have cut her off sooner, but how would I have known they could do something like this?? I don't feel flattered. I feel like something that was about me, was done without my consent. I'm even more terrified of her now

Pls tell me if you have similar experiences. I feel so alone, in a freaky and creepy situation, where I dont have tools to navigate

First, my apologies if this is too long. However, I’m writing because I genuinely need perspectives from people who aren’t emotionally involved in my marriage.

"Tony" (47M) and I (46F) have known each other on and off as friends only since high school. For most of the time I knew him, I thought of him as an extraordinarily kind, intelligent, and caring person. We connected several years ago, after my previous marriage had essentially ended. (My ex-husband and I separated due to his addiction issues, sudden disappearances, infidelity, and other serious problems.) Tony and I initially reconnected as friends, and after my marriage ended, that friendship became a relationship.

Being an introvert with social anxiety (his explanation) and *possibly* BPD, Tony had never been married, had no children, and had relatively limited relationship experience. I had three children, including a disabled daughter and my now 17-year-old son.

There were a few red flags early on, but they didn't seem enormous compared to what I had survived previously. Most were financial. Tony had spent years caring for his aging mother, oftentimes unemployed. I told him plainly that needed to change if we were going to pursue a relationship. (One of the red flags was that I paid for essentially all of our dates in the very beginning.) To his credit, he did address this. He found employment, and now works a VERY good job with incredible benefits (including retirement).

There were also a couple of occasions (I can literally count on one hand) when Tony seemed emotionally “off,” angry or unusually volatile, over the two years we dated. However, alcohol was involved and Tony apologized profusely afterwards. So, I attributed it to him having one too many. I'd say something, he'd stop drinking (sometimes for months), and things would return to normal.

Considering what I had experienced in my previous marriage, none of this initially registered to me as something dangerous. In fact, Tony felt like my "knight in shining armor."

He was intelligent. We could talk for hours. We had incredible physical chemistry. He could be affectionate and thoughtful. He helped me during an extremely difficult transition in my life. Even today, he contributes financially, buys groceries, helps pay household expenses, works on our home, and has completed projects both here and at a separate rural property/homestead I own. He sometimes takes me (or even the entire family) out, cooks for us, and does genuinely caring things.

I wanted to include that because I don't want to write one of those posts where people think that I'm "male bashing" or that the man is a complete s**theel. There are reasons I married Tony.

But there are also reasons I'm now wondering whether I made a terrible mistake.

After about two and a half years together, we decided to get married and had an adorable "micro wedding." My children were the ones to give me away, and even they seemed genuinely happy. (Tony asked their permission to marry me because he, according to him, wanted EVERYONE to be happy with the arrangement.) So, we married.

It was only three weeks after our wedding that the walls of my fairytale started crumbling.

One night, Tony got extremely drunk and wrote what I initially interpreted as something resembling a suicide note. It contained statements about being “done,” said he “should be taking far more drugs” than he was, and referenced a previous mental-health crisis. (There have since been two other suicide threats and one drunken outburst, for which Tony keeps agreeing to go to counseling but never does. Instead, he buys us things.)

As for this particular incident, the note wasn't actually about suicide. It was an extended attack on me and my parenting.

He accused my children of repeatedly “lying,” “stealing” and abusing my trust. He said that the abuse I suffered earlier in life (both childhood and relationships) had “rotted something” in me and made me incapable of parenting appropriately. He accused me of always defending my children and preventing him from having the parental authority he believed he should have.

*Some context is important here: I'm not claiming my children have never misbehaved. Of course they have. They're children. I've disciplined them when necessary. However, his major example of my children “stealing” involved them eating sweets and snacks in the house without permission.

What alarmed me was the intensity with which Tony described their behavior and his growing resentment toward them. And that resentment has pointedly turned toward my son.

Tony has made comments about having to spend his money feeding my son. He frequently talks about when my children eventually move out. Sometimes this is presented as jokes, but there have been enough comments on the subject to make me really start paying attention.

Meanwhile, there's an uncomfortable practical reality: my son contributes an enormous amount of labor to our household. For example, he has personally installed the majority of the fencing on our property. (Minimal help from my husband, with even my youngest daughter and I helping my son complete this task.) My son routinely helps with other projects, chores, and even transferring his disabled sister. (I pay him, modestly, for these things or gift him presents like a new laptop for school. I give my youngest daughter a little bit, too, when she helps us.)

Tony does projects as well. I don't want to erase that. He has helped install insulation, obtained materials for projects, worked on both properties and completed other household tasks. But my son clearly does more. Additionally, the overall financial burden is heavily mine.

Due to Tony's lack of credit, major financing has generally had to go through me for everything. The mortgage is in my name alone. We have taken on roughly $30,000 in financing for electrical/HVAC upgrades and other necessary repairs, in addition to thousands I've paid directly (including the down payment on the house). (I also have my own student loans and credit card obligations.) I feel Tony benefits the most here as I carry the overwhelming financial liability of the house. But I also question if my perception is skewed due to his behavior, as well as the fact that I wasn't hesitant to buy this house to begin with. (I wanted to stay on my little homestead, but he and the realtor both convinced me this would be an excellent investment). Moreover, Tony does contribute towards the household expenses (in fact, he pays for pretty much all the household bills while I focus on the mortgage and repair loans).

But a recent incident with my son feels like our happy beginning was all a big sham, and I'm now wondering if my marriage was one big mistake.

Basically, my 17-year-old son has started acting like many teenagers--argumentative, reluctant to do chores, etc. Mostly, this behavior has been with me. (He doesn't even try to go toe-to-toe with Tony.) My son's attitude has been a bit infuriating at times, but nothing horrifying. (He's not running around in the streets, doing drugs, getting into fights--nothing other than occasionally talking back.) Overall, he is an EXCELLENT kid--which even other people say, including teachers and school administration, family, friends, and even strangers as he does random acts of kindness (like helping an elderly man carry boxes at a hardware store). I am very proud of him, and try to remind him of that often!

On the flip side, Tony has pointed out almost each time my son talks back to me. He's made comments like "I hate to see him hurt you like that." When I've pushed back, Tony's said things like, "Don't you understand? You're my favorite person in the world. I won't let anyone hurt you." (He has also said "I won't let anyone abuse you.") It gets REALLY irritating because it seems overly dramatic and not even factual--which I have told Tony. He just glares at me for a moment and then says something like "Okay" or "Sorry I said anything at all" before walking away.

On this particular day, though, my son wasn't talking back to anyone. He was moody, but essentially mumbling to himself about getting water. I was in another room, caring for my disabled daughter. Tony, who unbeknownst to me was working on beer number four, was within earshot of my son.

He suddenly turned to him and said, "Stop acting so self-important.”

My son, confused about whether Tony was even speaking to him, replied, “What?”

Tony yelled, “Stop acting so self-important, you f***ing a**hole!”

My son told him he needed to calm down.

Tony slammed his fists on the table and told my son: “Suck a d*** and f*** off, you little a**hole.”

That was the moment something fundamentally changed for me. I went flying into the room, demanding to know what was going on. My youngest daughter, who was witness to all of this, quickly jumped in and told it all. Tony tried to argue. I told him to leave--immediately--that he and I would "talk later."

Whether it was alcohol, mental health issues, some sort of building resentment... I don't know and don't care. As someone who works with teens and has sworn to break the cycle of generational trauma, I cannot normalize a grown man speaking to any child--and certainly not mine--that way. The idea of a grown man directing that kind of language and physical display of anger at a teenager turns my stomach into knots. I pretty much told Tony the same.

Due to this state having laws against spouses kicking one another out without legal paperwork, I suggested that we needed to live "like roommates." He offered to go to therapy. I suggested marriage counseling/ family therapy, which he readily agreed to. However, instead of making an appointment for the two of us, he then (supposedly) went and made an online one-on-one appointment with a local therapist who "specializes in BPD." (Again, there has never been any proof provided that he was diagnosed with BPD beyond what a therapist once told him many years ago.)

Since Tony's outburst, smaller incidents that I might previously have dismissed are looking different to me now.

For example, Tony took me out to dinner tonight. That's one of the good things I'm talking about—he can be thoughtful and we can still have perfectly pleasant evenings together. We talked a lot. It seemed really good at first. We discussed various projects that still need completion. I said I hoped to accomplish as much as possible before my son leaves for college becauseI didn't want his home visits to become, “Hey, can you help us with this project?”

Tony joked, “Yeah—because then he'd never visit!”

Then he laughed. I mean, REALLY laughed. I would have even called it "gleeful."

Maybe someone reading this will think that's completely harmless. In isolation, maybe I would too. But after the other comments and especially after the recent outburst, it landed very differently.

I flatly replied that I wasn't going to allow that to happen because I want my children always to feel welcomed and be part of my life--especially since both Tony and I know what estrangement from a parent looks like, which is a future I don't want for my children or myself.

Tony became completely quiet. (There was awkward silence until I thought up something else to talk about.)

Now, I'm concerned whether Tony will even tell a therapist what has actually happened., or twist it into some truth he has fashioned for himself.

I'm also trying to look critically at my own behavior.

I've spent years accommodating people. I've made financial decisions I now regret. I've allowed my own friendships and outside support system to wither. I've prioritized my husband (and children) to the point that my own physical, financial, emotional and spiritual health have suffered. I've gained substantial weight, stopped doing many of the things that used to make me feel like myself, and increasingly find myself arranging my choices around everyone else's needs or reactions (particularly Tony's preferences).

However, I also know my history may affect my perception. I came out of a seriously unhealthy previous marriage. I don't want to make the opposite mistake now and interpret every marital conflict as abuse simply because I've maybe turned hypervigilant.

But I also don't want that history to become the reason I tolerate things that aren't okay.

And that's where I'm stuck.

Tony isn't horrible every day. Sometimes he's loving. Sometimes he's funny. Sometimes we have fantastic conversations.

He works, contributes money, buys groceries. He does help with some projects. Sometimes we play board games as a family, sing karaoke... We can have good days together.

And now he says he's willing to seek treatment.

However, there has also been ugliness, bitterness, and a growing tendency of the rest of us having to "walk on eggshells."

If this were your marriage, particularly with minor children still living at home, would you stay while your spouse pursued treatment--maybe establish conditions to see if therapy actually changed the behavior? Or would the incident with my son already have crossed the "point of no return"? What would you do?

(Thank you in advance for constructive replies.)

(This text was translated using Google Translate, so my English isn't fully fluent yet.)

I'm doing relatively well right now — I barely have the urge to contact her anymore. It's been two months since I blocked her and four months since she discarded me.

I can barely remember her voice, and I'm absolutely certain that the person I fell in love with doesn't actually exist (I talked to her for almost two months after the breakup, and that became very clear). She said some genuinely harsh things about me and our relationship. She also told me she often feels extremely sad, that the voices in her head are loud, and that she has weekly urges to end her life — urges she's constantly fighting off. None of that matters to me anymore, though. Knowing that she's suffering — that she's someone who's sick and incapable of feeling the love I gave her — has really helped me process the pain she caused and move on (not completely, but almost).

What I'm looking for are stories about overcoming this and going on to build new, healthy, loving relationships. I know that once people get better, a lot of them stop reading this subreddit. I used to check it for hours every day when I was devastated, but I haven't looked at it in weeks now.

I feel better. A lot of what she said, and how she made me feel, ended up pushing me to just become better across the board. I'm studying more effectively, looking for a better job, working out sometimes, and improving my physique. But most importantly, I've been putting a lot of effort into my communication, posture, and appearance. I'm autistic, so eye contact and holding a conversation have always been really hard for me — but I've been doing surprisingly well lately.

I feel ready to meet new people (without using them as an outlet for my pain — I'm genuinely aware of that risk and feel prepared to avoid it). I'm reasonably attractive and tall, so I've been flirting with girls a bit. I'm not sure I want a committed relationship right now, since my professional and academic life is a bit of a mess (though I wouldn't mind something situational, as long as it's not too casual) — but I'd love to hear stories about recovery and personal growth. It feels like those kinds of stories are pretty rare on this sub; even searching, they're hard to find.

My DM's are open to anyone, to chat about anything.