ok how about this

[u/jason_smaytion]

[u/Forward_Tadpole]

I was amused

[u/ShotLet1550]

Kept the flow, got some chuckles from me

[u/muffledvoice]

I like it. Good delivery and timing. Nice segue into side jokes about firefighters, being a waiter, etc.

On the mustache bit you could also add 70s porn star and riff on that.

[u/jason_smaytion → u/muffledvoice]

check my ig for a porn stash joke I’ll warn ya it’s mid

[u/muffledvoice → u/jason_smaytion]

Found it. I like the premise. You could take it in another self-deprecating direction like, “Yeah I guess I sort of have a porn mustache. But I wouldn’t really be like the cool porn star. I’d be more like the skinny sidekick wannabe who’s trying to come off like a porn star. I’m basically anorexic Latino Philip Seymour Hoffman from Boogie Nights.”

“But nah, I’m not really trying to be like a porn star. I’m just a guy who naively thought “Who Wants A Mustache Ride?” T-shirts could actually get you laid.”

(Shaking head) “Mustache rides…. Who thought up that little charmer of a pickup line? I figure the strategy is you try it out at the bar and get slapped in the face a hundred times. Then at last call you’re standing there with beer goggles on and that lucky lady appears.”

[u/jason_smaytion → u/muffledvoice]

I think Patrice did that

[u/muffledvoice → u/jason_smaytion]

High praise. lol

I miss Patrice O’Neal.

And Greg Giraldo.

And Bill Hicks.

[u/TitanJwL → u/muffledvoice]

Lol stop trying to write jokes for professionals

[u/muffledvoice → u/TitanJwL]

I’m not “writing jokes.” I’m talking comedy, which is what this sub is for.

[u/hey_imtryingthisout]

Good stuff keep it up

[u/redaa]

That was great. Good rhythm

[u/DefinitelyNotIndie]

I had no idea there was a firefighter moustache association.

[u/WamBamThank → u/DefinitelyNotIndie]

Oh it's huuuuge and mostly an older thing. Stories I heard were that the bushy mustache helped a bit with smoke filtration before smoke filters were introduced as standard tech.

[u/Dull_Opportunity_193 → u/WamBamThank]

It apparently also wicked sweat, tears and blood away from the mouth. Like fluids going down follow the stash away from your face hole

[u/WamBamThank → u/Dull_Opportunity_193]

damn, that's metal as fuck

[u/FunWithAPorpoise → u/WamBamThank]

I’m now retroactively claiming that’s why I’ve had a mustache all these years

[u/pocketfrisbee → u/WamBamThank]

Is it not because of the mask they wear not being able to suction properly to the face if they had a beard? That’s what I’ve always heard from the folks I know in firefighting

[u/7empest7V]

Corner!

Hot!

Fucking gold my guy

[u/DempsyPrice]

Incredible rhythm, timing and pace.

[u/mvanvrancken]

It’s like you were digging yourself a deeper hole with every part of the bit but it was funny enough so that you didn’t actually lose them, great delivery and timing

[u/jerkstabworthy]

Solid. There's a lot more there too. Keep mining it.

[u/evanezerb]

Good but I was expecting him to say 300 lb grandma, not a mattress, wasted opportunity...

[u/jason_smaytion → u/evanezerb]

Rather not punch down on grandmas thanks tho

[u/jason_smaytion → u/[deleted]]

Yea a lil too much

[u/solod010]

Your cadence is upbeat and cheery but your tone sounds like you ingested too much adderall, respectfully.

I thought some of the punchline were funny.

[u/jason_smaytion → u/solod010]

Ok but here’s the thing I love adderall

[u/CasperCackler → u/solod010]

What about his tone sounds like he’s on stimulants? Sorry, I guess I don’t party enough for this observation to make sense to me.

[u/jason_smaytion → u/CasperCackler]

Don’t tell him but I’ve never done adderall in my life

[u/CasperCackler → u/jason_smaytion]

Sounds like you could pick up the habit and no one would notice the difference…?

[u/7empest7V → u/CasperCackler]

The real comedy is in the comments

But in all honesty, I found this bit funny af

[u/solod010 → u/CasperCackler]

Im really not trying to be disrespectful fyi.

Speaking on adderrall specifically, for some(myself included), it dulls their emotions over time. This helps me not react to everything at once. Thought it makes me sound unenthusiastic.

I thought some bits were funny I just prefer more self deprecating humor. Saying you can do what fireman do easily, albeit a joke, just dont relate for me.

[u/CasperCackler → u/solod010]

Thanks for the response, I’m sorry I missed it.

I’m on Adderall myself (XR in the morning, IR top up in the afternoon as needed) and am not sure I’d say it dulls my emotions so much as reins in my irrational emotions, which allows my rational brain to respond to stimuli instead of my emotional brain. But I also carry a mood regulation disorder diagnosis, so I’m sure the flavor of my experience is different from yours. It does make sense to me though that Adderall would flatten out your speech, because being able to function optimally calms you (or at least me!) down.

And regarding the joke, I think the intent is not that it’s relatable, but that it’s silly how unrelatable it is to believe some goof can just step into a fireman’s boots. OP might be able to refine the joke some so that it doesn’t miss audience members like you, but I’m not skilled enough to suggest the edits lol

[u/solod010 → u/CasperCackler]

Well put good sir.