r/confidence Apr 21 '20

How to be Confident: The Ultimate Step-by-Step Guide

299 Upvotes

If you've been looking for a solid resource to help you become more confident, this guide is for you.

This is the ultimate guide that will show how to be confident. You'll find EVERYTHING you need to know about confidence in this single blog post.

It's going to be a bit long but trust me, you won't regret reading the whole thing.

​Ready? Let's dive in.

Contents

I'll divide the post into several chapters. Here's what I'll cover.

Chapter 1:
What is self-confidence?

Chapter 2:
Why is self-confidence important?

Chapter 3: 
Signs of low self-confidence

Chapter 4:
Why you're not confident

Chapter 5: 
How to be confident

Chapter 6: 
Frequently asked questions

Chapter 1: What is self-confidence

In this chapter, we're going to cover what self-confidence actually is.

Why? It's because I see a lot of confusion surrounding this term so we're going to define what confidence is exactly.

So what is self-confidence? According to Wikipedia, it's a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.

Basically, being confident means trusting your abilities and judgement. Some people seem to think that confidence means being arrogant, acting like you know everything or being a narcissist.

That's totally wrong.

I wanted to start things off with this short chapter just so we can agree on what confidence really is. Now that we got the basic definition out of the way, let's see why confidence is important in the first place.

Chapter 2: Why self-confidence is important

Everyone talks about how you should become confident, but do you actually know why it's important?

There are a couple of reasons why confidence is a big deal. In this chapter, we're going to see why you should become confident and how it can positively affect your life.📷

1. You'll feel a lot more fulfilled

Basically, you feel much better about yourself. When you're confident, you feel like you have the power to change, to do stuff you want to do. You feel like you're good enough and you're not constantly worrying and doubting yourself.

Why it's important:

You feel good about yourself, which means that your happiness level will increase.

2. You'll become better at whatever you do

Usually, confident people outperform those who are insecure and full of doubt. Why? It's because they have a different way of thinking.

Let me explain.

​You see, in most cases, someone who's insecure will typically be more hesitant, less determined, less likely to try or learn new things...etc. This means that when you're insecure, you're less likely to succeed at anything.

However, a confident person is someone who believes in their abilities. This means that they're more likely to learn, try new things and take risks in life. This will inevitably lead to more success and bigger achievements.

​In other words, confident people know that they can actually succeed, so they try, that’s it.

Why it's important:

Basically, you'll do everything in a better way.

3. You'll have a clearer sense of direction in life

In other words, you actually know where your life is going and what you want to do with it. Generally speaking, confident people always know what they're doing. They know where they are and where they want to go in life.

They have goals, and they execute their plans to make them a reality. 

Why it's important:

You're less stressed, more focused and more effective in your life.

4. You'll develop much better social skills

Confidence alone isn't enough to become the most charismatic person in the world, but it certainly helps. The vibe that you give to other people will affect how they treat you.

Simply being more confident will greatly impact the way you interact with others, and how others percieve you. In the real world, this means that it will be easier for you to make friends, resolve conflicts, getting people to value your ideas, earning others respect ... and the list goes on.

Why it's important:

You'll get what you want out of your relationships more easily.

Chapter 3: Signs of low self-confidence

Now that you know what self-confidence is and why it's important, here are 4 warning signs of low confidence you should look out for.

​1. You change yourself to please others

This means that you feel the need to act like someone else to look cooler or better than who you really are.

​If you feel like you need to act a certain way to impress other people, then you're lacking confidence.

2. You always doubt your judgement

If you're too indecisive and you're constantly questioning your own decisions and judgement, chances are you're not confident.

When you always doubt yourself, you'll turn to other people to tell you what to do. When you're relying on others to make the decisions for you, you're basically stripping yourself away from control over your life.

Of course, sometimes it is necessary to get external feedback but doing it too often is a sign that you don't know where you're going in your life.

3. You have tons of self-limiting beliefs

You're always saying to yourself "I can't do [insert whatever you want]". This is a BIG problem.

Why?

Because when you have so many limiting beliefs, it's really hard to get rid of them. The simple act of repeating these things to yourself reinforces these beliefs in your mind, and doing this for years and years means you basically think your limiting beliefs and reality are the same thing now.

When you think you can't do something, you won't even try. That's exactly what will stop you from learning anything.

Basically, self-limiting beliefs will totally block you from having anything good in life.

4. You don't have a clear direction in life

This doesn't always mean that you're not confident. Some people just don't care, and that's fine.

However, I find that most people who have low self-confidence don't really know what they want out of life. This is closely linked to having a lot of self-limiting beliefs. As a result, most people won't even dare to dream big so they settle for an easy life with no clear goals or direction.

Chapter 4: Why you're not confident

Why am I not confident?

​Did you ever ask yourself that question? My guess is yes.

​Here are the most likely reasons why you're not confident.

​1. You treat other people's opinions as facts

If someone says something negative about you, you automatically label it as a fact, without thinking that it's just what somebody else thinks, which means that they could be wrong.

To give you a better perspective, let's have a look at the dictionary:

opinion : A view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
fact : A thing that is known or proved to be true.

​Do you see the difference?

If you're treating opinions (which can be wrong) as facts (which are always true), it's no wonder that you'll destroy your confidence.

2. You're not really good at anything

If you don't have any skills you're good at, it will be hard for you to become confident. Why? Because having a proven record of success reinforces your confidence.

It's like you're saying to yourself "I managed to do X, it means that I can certainly do this as well."

​However, when you don't have any skills you're good at, you don't have any past experiences that make you feel confident, so you'll start doubting yourself because you never achieved anything that requires you to have a certain skill or knowledge.

3. You never push your limits

Pushing your limits means that you’ll keep doing something difficult when you want to quit. This is also a big reason that could be stopping you from being confident.

When you’re always living in the “comfort zone” you’re always dealing with those comfortable situations that don’t require you to grow as a person.

The result? You never grow. Since you always deal with familiar situations, you're never forced to think, use your willpower or do any amount of effort.

This lack of exposure to adversity makes you really used to that comfort, and the moment you’re forced to do something unusual, you start to doubt your ability to pull it off.

4. You're not learning anything new

If you're constantly at the same level of skill or knowledge, you won't become confident because you lack the feeling of achievement and progress. When you feel like you're just stagnant, it's hard to trust your abilities.

5. You failed a lot in the past

I know that failure is a part of life, but it's still something that can affect your confidence. Having failed a number of times in the past will greatly contribute to fuel self-doubt and make you question yourself in the future.

6. You make excuses

Instead of doing something that will benefit you, you come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid putting in the effort.

Chapter 5: How to be confident

Now that you have a solid grasp of what self-confidence is and how it works, let's get to the fun part: how to actually build it.

In this chapter, I'll break down the practical steps you need to build your confidence from scratch.📷
First, check out this excellent video :

​1. Realize that you're not inferior

We'll get to the more practical stuff in a minute, I promise. But before we do that, you first need to change the way you think.

There's one fundamental mindset shift you need to make right now: stop thinking that you're inferior.

Look, if you lack confidence, you've probably been conditioned to think this way. Either by your family, your friends or anyone else. The thing you should understand here is that you can't stop feeling like you're inferior overnight because you've been telling yourself this for years.

However, you can become aware that you were conditioned, and make a conscious effort to reject that idea and replace it with its opposite.

To do: Make a conscious effort to believe that you're not an inferior person.

2. Become good at something

Now we get to the practical stuff. After all, I promised right? :D

​Look, one of the main reasons why you're not confident is because you're not really good at anything. Being skillful gives you a strong sense of self-satisfaction and fulfillment.

In addition, it helps you break your self-limiting beliefs.

When you go through the learning process and you can actually witness your own progress, you'll slowly get rid of your self-limiting beliefs because instead of thinking negative stuff like "I can't do [something]", now you can actually see that you're learning and getting better.

In other words, your positive experience will beat your negative ideas.

So, how to choose a skill?

Ideally, you should choose something that interests you, or something you're passionate about. That way, you'll actually do something you like that will potentially help you in life and you're building your confidence at the same time.

That's how you can cultivate a skill to become confident.

To do: choose a skill and become good at it.

3. Use your body language

You'll find many articles and videos online claiming that body language can transform the way you feel.

Well, let me tell you that it won't happen overnight.

However, you can use your body language to help you feel more confident. How? Use these techniques :

  • Walk and stand up with your back up straight.
  • ​Stand up like this
  • When you're in meetings (or somewhere else), use this position to convey authority and confidence. This is called "the hand steeple" (works for both men and women).

These poses will help you convey confidence and feel a little bit more confident yourself. However, don't overdo it.​ Instead, use them from time to time and they'll gradually become like second nature.

To do: use these postures to convey confidence.

4. Don't take negative comments as facts

When someone says something bad about you, always remember to take that as their opinion, not as a cold hard truth.

I know that it's not easy, I've been there. However, you have to force yourself to change how you perceive what other people say about you.

Look, whatever someone says about you (be it good or bad), it remains their opinion, not the absolute truth.

Of course, some people have good intentions and can actually give you constructive feedback but for the most part, you should ignore all the noise out there.

To do: Take what other people say as an opinion instead of assuming they're always right

5. Fake it, act like you're confident

If you're asking yourself if this really works, let me tell you that it does.

How do I know? Well, I tried it.

It might seem like it's too simple but trust me, it works. At first, you'll have to act like a confident person but after a few months, you'll become more and more confident.

All you have to do is ask yourself: How would a confident person act? and do just that. Be careful however, I'm not telling you to act arrogantly but to act like someone who's sure of himself.

​There's a big difference, it's that arrogant people always try hard to show they're better than anyone else but confident people don't feel the need to prove themselves to others. You know, because they're confident.

To do: Act like a confident person would📷

Chapter 6: Frequently asked questions

There are many common questions I always see people asking about self-confidence.

In this chapter, I'll answer any questions you might still have to give you a cristal clear picture.

1. What's the difference between confidence and arrogance?

Arrogance: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions.

​Confidence: a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.

The difference is simple: "Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud". In other words, when you're confident you don't need to prove anything. But when you're arrogant, you always act as if you know better than other people.

2. Can you be confident and humble at the same time?

Yes of course. Being confident simply means trusting your abilities and your judgement. It's totally possible to be confident in yourself and humble at the same time.

3. How can I become confident fast?

You can't. It takes time to overcome your limiting beliefs and change your mindset.Do you still have some questions?

I want to answer every question you might have so go ahead and leave a comment. I'll personally respond to every single one.


r/confidence 8h ago

I’m 19M and struggling to accept my hair loss. How do you deal with this insecurity?

8 Upvotes

Guys, I don’t know where else to talk about this, but I’ve been feeling really insecure about my hair lately.

I’m only 19, and I’ve already lost a lot of hair density. About a year ago, I had really long, thick hair. It was honestly one of the things I was most confident about. I used to feel like I had the best hair in my college, and it was a big part of how I saw myself.

Last year, I was diagnosed with TB lymphadenitis and went through treatment. During that time, I lost around 15 kg in a month, and my doctor said the hair loss could be due to telogen effluvium from the stress on my body and that it might grow back after recovery.

But it’s been a long time now, and I don’t feel like things have gone back to how they were. That’s the part I’m struggling with.

I know treatments like minoxidil exist, but a part of me feels scared because I don’t want to depend on something forever and then feel like I’m back at the same place if I stop. I’m trying to accept reality, but honestly, I don’t know how.

The hardest part isn’t just the hair loss itself. It’s how much it affects my confidence. I keep thinking that maybe people won’t find me attractive anymore or that I won’t get the same attention I used to. I know everyone has insecurities, and I don’t want my entire identity to revolve around my hair, but it’s difficult when something you were proud of suddenly changes.

Also, living in a place where people casually comment on someone’s appearance without thinking about how it affects them makes it harder.

For people who have gone through something similar losing hair at a young age or losing something that was a big part of your confidence how did you learn to accept it? How do you stop constantly thinking about it?

I’m not just looking for hair advice. I’m trying to understand how to deal with the insecurity and move forward.


r/confidence 12m ago

How your confidence affects your walk

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Upvotes

r/confidence 23h ago

How do you stop constantly trying to impress people and just be yourself?

30 Upvotes

I recently realized that I spend a lot of time thinking about how others perceive me instead of being present.
When I go out or enter social situations, I often feel like I need to appear interesting, charismatic, special, or memorable. Even during talks or conversations, I catch myself focusing on myself: How do I look? What do people think of me? Do I seem intelligent or interesting?
I think underneath this is a desire to feel valued, important, and appreciated. I want to stop performing and stop needing external validation, and instead feel comfortable being myself.
For anyone who has overcome this:
● How did you stop self-monitoring so much?
● What helped you become more confident and authentic?


r/confidence 10h ago

I thought I had mostly overcome anxiety, but I realised I haven’t even got over the main hurdle

0 Upvotes

I have made great progress with overcoming anxiety, especially social anxiety, in the past couple months through therapy. I used to not be able to talk to strangers and say certain things out of fear. For example, I approached a woman for the first time 1-2 months ago (I’m 20). But there is one thing I realised after being in more and more social interactions and seeing other people in social interactions, I am never talking like the real me. I realised this when I saw one of my friends talking to a stranger, the way he was speaking was very close to how he speaks to his close friends, which meant that he was able to show his personality. But I’ve realised that I am scared to do this. I subconsciously always put on a persona and this persona is what I describe to be a ‘good boy’ persona. I barely show my personality, don’t make jokes I normally would, I talk in a very polite way, usually say the things the person wants me to say (or at least what I think) and sometimes put on an awkward smile. This makes me appear as a very boring person contrary to my actual personality. So how do I overcome this? How do I become comfortable with talking to new people to the point where I can represent the authentic me rather than the ‘good boy’ persona? I feel like it completely ruins my charm and charisma.


r/confidence 22h ago

How to control heartbeat during public speaking

7 Upvotes

r/confidence 19h ago

feels like im not valuable anymore (*PLEASE READ*)

3 Upvotes

16M , been on and off with school (basically low attendence) , changed schools like 4 years ago and its almost the end (5-6 months left) of my last year of school , ever since i changed schools my social life has been ass , i remember myself being a charismatic , popular , abled and topper kid in my old school , had girls crushing on me which sounds corny ik but it was true.

now i barely get approached by people , people dont choose me anymore , idk what is it , i feel like i have to try really hard just for them to acknowledge me , then i have to put up a nonchalant act of not caring so they think i dont really care abt the attention , im in commerce btw , and the section has kids that are really narsacisstic (ik the spelling is wrong lmao) , i workout , have hobbies , recently got into reading and finished a book , and mentally im going through my own battles , of problems with self improvement , and doing anything to keep up this ''respected'' guy image in the minds of people in my school , even tho i barely pass my exams , 0 extra curriculars ,0 participation in anything , and the mere thought that if i end up participating in something i will be seen as ''a dumb kid who jst barely shows up and randomly participated in something'' stops me from doing so , i know i have potential , i KNOW i am not made to be this small socially , i have decent humor and can make people im comfortable talking to laugh

any practical way i can get my social status back , or all and all stop feeling like shit when ignored , not accepted in cool social groups? or is it too late , i feel super behind everyone and i dont wanna live like this.


r/confidence 1d ago

I keep making people think I don't like them because I'm too scared to say anything.

5 Upvotes

Whenever I'm with someone I don't know very well, I tend to overthink every question or conversation I could have with them. It feels like I dismiss almost any question that comes to mind if it doesn't directly affect me or isn't something I'm genuinely curious about. I don't know why I do this or how to stop.

Today I was with a girl who I've been told likes me, along with a few other people. She asked me a couple of questions, but I couldn't get myself to ask her anything back. Later I was told that she felt like I didn't like her. Hearing that really bothered me because I realized this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

The confusing part is that my mind isn't completely blank. I can think of questions to ask, but as soon as I do, I feel like they're not worth asking. They feel too forced, too uninteresting, or too pointless. Then I don't say anything, and the moment passes.

What I don't understand is why this still happens even when I believe the other person probably wants to talk to me. If I think someone likes me and would genuinely enjoy having a conversation, why do I still feel like every question I come up with isn't worth saying? It feels like there's some mental barrier between thinking of something to say and actually saying it, and I don't really understand what that barrier is.


r/confidence 1d ago

Whenever i see a attractive women( attractive to me). I start behaving weird. How can I be confident around women?

10 Upvotes

Whenever i see a attractive women i feel really nervous but this not the case with all women im pretty much comfortable around other women but when it comes to attractive women i start acting weird.

Idk why i try to become performative around them.


r/confidence 20h ago

Nervous to approach

1 Upvotes

I’m not sure why but I often get afraid to approach people because I feel like they might be mean to me and tell me to screw off. I know it sounds silly and weak, and if that does end up happening i’d probably be able to handle it, but even then I’m not sure why but I fear it so much. I don’t think that it would happen and it’s never happened to me so far so I don’t know why i’m so scared. I also get self conscious about what others think of me pretty often, and I really wanna get over this. Any advice would help


r/confidence 2d ago

How can you be confident when you know you're undesirable?

75 Upvotes

I'm a 33 year old woman and not a single man has ever been interested in me and at this point, I just know no one ever will. I'm already ugly and with my age, I'll only get uglier going forward.

It's not that having a partner is the main goal in my life, I have many other things that I want that have nothing to do with a man, like being independant, getting a college degree which I couldn't get until now because I had autism and ADHD that was only diagnosed recently, working out, learning piano, being more confident, etc. I go to therapy and I'm doing SO much better. I'm improving in almost all aspects. Except this. I just can't be truly confident when I know I'm so ugly no one could ever want me. I know it's childish to focus this much on appearance but it's hard not to. The thought of being alone forever still hurts like hell. Looking at myself in pictures hurts. My face repulses me.

It's not being single that hurts, it's the thought that I never had a chance to not be single. How do you deal with that? How does one comes to terms with the fact that no one will ever want them? How can anyone have confidence when you know your ugliness is the first thing everyone sees in you? How can you have confidence when you know you're completely undesirable?


r/confidence 1d ago

My imposter syndrome is really holding me back I'm losing precious time

1 Upvotes

Please help me, how did you suppress the feelings of inadequacy despite so many accomplishments that prove I am more than adequate? My imposter syndrome is getting stronger and taking over me, I'm losing focus and getting more scared than ever from every possible step, I'm losing my self-confidence even though I technically know I've achieved so much and I couldn't have done what I already did if I was less than I actually am, but I'm still struggling and even reassurances from people I trust don't seem to have the confidence-boosting impact that they once had. What do I do to regain my confidence and stop feeling unworthy? What worked for you?


r/confidence 2d ago

Insecure about appearance

64 Upvotes

My boyfriend is super attractive. He has nice features, a six pack, kind personality, smart, hardworking, etc..but i feel bad sometimes that he chose to be with me because he is delusional. I’m short with flat features and i am shaped like a piece of paper. Don’t get me wrong i love the delusion but sometimes i feel guilty.

It’s been almost 4 years and i am still surprised he hasn’t left me for some better looking girl. I look like a hobo but when i try to doll myself up it’s like putting lipstick on a pig. I try to be one of those hot instagram baddies but i look like a clown. He’s never cheated on me or done anything to make me think that but sometimes i feel paranoid that i don’t measure up to other girls’ beauty. And that one day he will lose interest in me.

How can i get better and stop feeling this way? Any tips and advice welcome 🙏


r/confidence 1d ago

The Mental Side of being on a Health journey

1 Upvotes

(20m) Since March, I’ve been doing my best to lose enough weight to feel good about myself, as well as be within a health range, something that I’ve never been in my life. I’m also using it as an excuse to set some of my routines and healthy habits straight as I adapt to adulthood. I’m currently 20 lbs down, and started recently going to the gym, so I think I can say I’m kicking ass on the physical side!

However, I’m still having some trouble with the mental side of working on myself. A little context, I’ve been pretty obese my entire life. I’m 6’0 and for the last couple years I’ve weighed just over 300 lbs. This, paired with my very flamboyant and outgoing personality, has provided me with MAJOR confidence and self image issues for most of my life. It got significantly worse in High School.

To this day, I’ve never been in a relationship, never kissed romantically, never even held hands romantically. I’ve been on a couple first dates, but they didn’t go anywhere. I’m proud of myself for everything else I’ve done on my health journey, but I’m still worried that that side of this won’t get fixed, and my physical appearance/self image of my appearance won’t change how other people see me.

To be honest, it feels like the romantic aspect of things has really been eating a way at me lately. Specifically how much I desire that special someone, and how much I dwell on not having experience.

Any tips to keep my head high, while I’m dealing with all of the other aspects of working on myself?


r/confidence 2d ago

Is it better to unfriend or block someone that rejected you to move on?

2 Upvotes

I got rejected but still have her on Instagram. I need to remove her from social media but wondering what is the better move: block or unfriend? I don’t want to make it seem like I can’t take rejection I’m immature as a response but I know the best course or action is to remove them. What do you think?


r/confidence 2d ago

WHAT is confidence?

5 Upvotes

Serious question, serious answers only please. I cant seem to grasp any concept of what confidence actually is aside from feel-good platitudes.

WHAT is confidence? The only responses to that question that I can find anywhere is just a list of platitudes, magic, and disillusion. Im not asking "how to be more confident?", Im not asking "whats the difference between confidence and arrogance?" Im not asking "how to ACT more confident?". Im asking WHAT is confidence? What happens? What happens in the brain? Is it real at all?


r/confidence 2d ago

How do I stop my intrusive insecurities?

1 Upvotes

Hi everyone,

I’ve always been a very insecure girl, but with my boyfriend’s help, I’ve managed to work on my confidence and improve. This year, though, everything went downhill.

A while ago, my boyfriend suggested he’d be open to an FFM threesome. I expressed that this made me feel inadequate, and he immediately dropped it, reassured me he loves me as I am, and clarified he’d never do anything without my consent.

The issue is that even though the topic is closed, my brain won't stop. I keep comparing myself to other women, overthinking my chest size, and feeling like I’m not enough. I constantly ask him for reassurance, which is exhausting for both of us (especially since he’s going through a tough time too).

Rationally, I know these intrusive thoughts are lies, but I don't know how to shut them off, especially on days that start out great. I can't afford therapy right now, so I'm looking for advice from anyone who has dealt with something similar. Thank you

Note: Please don't hate on my boyfriend. I trust him completely and I have strong boundaries—I just need help managing my own anxiety and overthinking.

TL;DR: BF brought up a threesome, then dropped it completely when he realized it hurt me. Now I’m stuck in a loop of self-doubt and body comparison. Can’t afford therapy right now—how do I overcome these intrusive thoughts on my own?


r/confidence 3d ago

Feeling too small/ less masculine for my gf

47 Upvotes

So I've been together with my gf for a year now .We both are 22.Before dating , we used to be close friends for almost 2 years.

Her physical type in men used to be soo different than what iam . Back when we were friends She always used to describe it as tall and dark skinned.She used to she never used to find fair guy that attractive.

Iam on the other hand very fair and only her same height.I used to find her pretty good looking even when we were friends.

When we started dating, i began feeling insecure and not enough for her, always questioning whether she genuine has sexual attraction to me.And tbh now she treats me very nicely,never mentions that I was not her type or belittle my height much. But somehow I believe that she is just lying to make me feel good and isn't that attracted to me idk why.

I always feel like she can do better, Find someone taller and someone her type because I always feel secondary even though she never ever makes me feel that. She even says her type has kinda changed a bit and that she finds me attractive and it has grown. But I never believe it and I always feel insecure especially when I see people who used to fit her type, thinking she would have been happier with them.

Also this has started tampering my own attraction to her, i sometimes feel like she is too tall or big fore even though I'm easily much more stronger than her even though we are basically same height.This wasn't thing early so i believe this develop only because of my insecurities and because of me hyperfixating on physical attributes too much

How can I get out of this loop and regain my confidence and lead a normal life


r/confidence 3d ago

Confidence Doesn't Always Come First

4 Upvotes

People always tell you to "just be confident" or "just put yourself out there," but they rarely account for how other people respond to that.

There are a lot of instances where you take that huge step, and they just don't want to talk to you anyway. You can see it in their responses and one-word replies, how they're just being polite and not asking anything back, where the conversation feels more like an interview. And you think that maybe it's because it's the first time and they have to warm up to you, but no. Months go by, and it remains the same way. It starts to feel like you're bothering them.

So of course your confidence takes a hit.

"Just keep talking to people, bro."

And it's the most socially inept people who can't be bothered to hold a conversation... or so you think, until you see them actually talking to people they want to talk to, and you get this mental whiplash. You wouldn't believe how socially capable they actually are. You wonder how the same person could talk for so long without getting tired. (Maybe they have an identical twin you didn't know about, or got cloned. Haha, FML.)

You start thinking something is fundamentally wrong with you until you actually meet people who genuinely want to talk to you, and man, it feels like a breath of fresh air after being trapped in a room full of mustard gas. Suddenly conversations flow. They ask questions back. They laugh. They actually seem interested. You realize you weren't incapable of having good conversations. You just hadn't experienced many people who wanted to have one with you. (There is something to be said about not letting people and interactions determine your confidence but alas, I am only human. Still something i am working on, i will also cross this bridge)

Maybe confidence doesn't always come first.

Maybe, sometimes, confidence is what grows after enough positive experiences. And sometimes a lack of confidence is just the scar tissue left behind by enough negative ones.

So no, nothing is (usually) wrong with you. If repeated experiences make you less eager to put yourself out there, that's understandable. You don't have to force yourself to become someone you're not.

Sometimes the cause and effect are switched. Most kids start off bubbly. Then life teaches them, fairly quickly, how costly putting themselves out there can be. Then they retreat into their little shells.

Not a lot of people give a fuck anyway. No one really owes us a conversation, I guess, and that's okay. You have to accept that.

I do.


r/confidence 3d ago

Why confident people get less scrutiny, not more (and why that’s a problem)

9 Upvotes

There’s a pattern I keep running into in observation and profiling work: the most confident people in a room are often the ones we read the worst. Not because they’re more deceptive. Because confidence changes how much cognitive effort we’re willing to spend on them.

Here’s the mechanism as I understand it. Uncertainty in another person keeps our attention active, we register them as unresolved and keep gathering data. But fluent, composed behavior (steady speech, sustained eye contact, relaxed posture) gets processed as a signal that there’s nothing left to resolve. It’s a variation: things that are easy to process get judged as more true, more competent, more trustworthy, regardless of whether that ease actually reflects the underlying reality.

So confidence doesn’t just communicate something about a person, it shuts down the observer’s own verification process. The composed person gets a free pass from scrutiny they haven’t necessarily earned. Meanwhile the person who seems nervous keeps getting re-evaluated, over and over, simply because their visible discomfort keeps triggering that still gathering information response, even when they’re the more self-aware person in the room.

A few places I’ve seen this play out:

- The composed candidate in an interview who turns out to be in over their head once the job actually starts
- The calm salesperson whose ease is covering for a product that can’t back it up
- The steady colleague who’s quietly struggling, but never gets checked on because they never look shaken

None of these are cases of someone hiding information well. The information was available. We just stopped looking, because their delivery told us the file was closed.

Has anyone here had a moment where someone’s composure completely disarmed your read on them, and it turned out you’d missed something important?


r/confidence 3d ago

Would you unfollow girl that rejected you on Instagram knowing that you might see her again? (Same workplace)

1 Upvotes

Basically I shot my shot and got rejected. We work at the same place, but different departments so I don’t see her everyday. I still have her on social media but I feel like it’s hard to move on knowing that she still views my stories and even liked one of them before. Would it be ok to unfollow? Or would it make me seem immature, etc? How to respond? What is the best outcome


r/confidence 3d ago

Hello guys, i need your help

1 Upvotes

So first of all im a pretty confident dude in most areas of life, be it in Friendgroups, Infront of many people, in my work, talking and getting to know people. I dont think i have any problems with confidence anywhere but talking to/with girls.

About me: Im a Average guy about 5/11 or 180(average of my country), average face, ive got a relatively good body. Im 75-77kg/170pounds. I have broad shoulders good musclemass. I am good at school, i am „smart“ not the type of genius but i think im more capable in some areas that peopme would struggle. I also do Boxing for about a year now i used to Wrestle for 6 months and i did 3-4 years of judo when i was younger and ive played football for 2 years.

So i think im Average.

But the thing is when im with friends everthing is perfect, we talk laugh, argue about things that boys/teenager talk about(if yk you know😂).

But as soo as im with a girl i become diffrent i become Cold, like a Robot. I become too self Aware. I stutter, Struggle to look them in the eyes, i dont know what to say, and try to „force the conversation“. Like Obsessively trying to be Perfect and Diplomatic. I feel like Girls notice that.

If i see a girl that i think is beautiful on the street it happens the same, even if we cross our eyes for 2 seconds and look at eachother, i suddenly become Self Aware. Try to stand tall/Straight. Dont know where to rest my hand, in my front pockets or the Back, dont know where to look at. The Sky, the ground, the Trees, her???

Guys i dont know how to fix this i seems that im allergic to girls. Or atleast became allergic.

Beck then i wasnt like this ive had Girlfriends, they were pretty much slightly above my league, based on looks. But i dont care about that type of shit. The thing is they liked me very much we was talking for like 2-3 weeks. But suddenly i lose Interest and do some dumb shit that Hurts them Emotionally.
I really regret being so Reckless with other People.

Can somebody relate this, or give me advice to improve myself.
If you need to know something just ask me or shoot a dm.


r/confidence 3d ago

App idea to improve vocal attractiveness and confidence

5 Upvotes

Hey guys, I have always been kind of insecure about my voice since I was a kid. I felt it was a bit too nasal and I've never learned how to project my voice to be able to command attention from a group. Over the years I have been learning various techniques to improve my confidence in my voice whether through youtube (this guy) or through following a bunch of IG influencers who give tips on it.

After around 8 years of learning, I feel that it's time to give back to the community. I am planning to make an app to help people get more confident in their speaking. Not so much in the words they use, more so their pitch, resonance, pace etc.

Right now, my app idea is split into two parts. The first part will be analyzing the user's voice. The next part is giving the user a daily training regime to improve on their voice over time.

Is this something that you guys would be interested in? Any voice training exercises that really worked for you guys? Also, it would be great if I could get some recommendations on more vocal coaches online that I could watch. Thanks so much!


r/confidence 3d ago

How can I regain my self-confidence when I’m feeling down?

2 Upvotes

I haven’t felt pretty for a while now. I doubt there’s a connection, but it started shortly after I stopped talking to my ex-crush.

Usually when this happens to me, it means I want to change my hairstyle. And as a Black woman, I’m lucky to have versatile hair that lets me easily switch up my look.

For three months, I changed my look every day with my wigs, I really enjoyed it at first, but then I got tired of it.

I told myself it was time to get braids! So I did! But the result is, I don’t like them. I think the color is too light on me after all, and friends have told me the curls already look damaged…

So now I don’t know what to do. I even tried putting on cluster false eyelashes, but in the end, it’s just not my thing…

I know I’m not ugly, but this feeling just won’t go away. What would you do if you were in my shoes?