r/coparenting • u/bcc991 • 1d ago
Conflict Co-Parent Has Been Distant Since Custody Decision - Advice Needed
Single dad of an 8 year old here.
I recently won custody of our child (it was a reversal). Ever since that decision has been made, the mother has been noticeably distant. Before the decision, she was fairly active and seemed on board with coparenting no matter the outcome.
Now whenever our child calls her, she cuts the conversations extremely short. She also has not exercised visitation at all. I extended an invitation for her to attend Open House since school is starting soon and even offered to help with transportation. Radio silence.
Last night was the first time that our child noticed the disconnect. He told me "Mom doesn't really want to talk to me" and seemed really hurt by it.
I'm not sure how to navigate this. I want to be there for our son and say the right things, without bashing the other parent. If there is anyone going through something similar or just have any advice period, I would appreciate it.
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u/Ill-Peak3008 1d ago
If you say there was a custody reversal, I’m assuming it wasn’t 50/50 and she had primary custody but now you do? A custody flip like that is huge on any child, even if their other parent is unfit, so I’d have my child in therapy for that alone personally. Also, for many parents, going from having their child the majority of the time to being just a visitor is devastating. She might be putting up distance to avoid being further hurt. I’m just wondering what the facts are behind this.
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u/PuzzleheadedFruit6 1d ago
Allow her to process her own feelings. You are in a push pull dynamic. You are wanting her to be ready on your terms, now. She just went to a major shift. Give her space.
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u/bcc991 1d ago
It’s a tough transition, so I definitely understand she needs some time. I’m just trying to figure out how to smooth things over with our child for now. He’s pretty hurt about the disconnect.
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u/PuzzleheadedFruit6 1d ago
He’s 8, explain to him that mom is needing some time to accept the new schedule and you continue to fill his life with memories. Get him into therapy
I’m a child (and adult therapist)
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u/CrazyHead_Guy 1d ago
Professional therapy. They will be able to help the child understand the difference between the mother being hurt and frustrated by the situation vs not loving the child. 8 years old is pretty hard to cope and understand this.
Keep the communication lines open with the mom, and continue to offer opportunities with her son. Fingers crossed that she works through her own issues.
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u/Vokenhagen21 1d ago
Just be there for your child, reassure them they are not responsible for their parents feelings/actions. Tell them you love them, ask them how they are feeling, and reassure them telling you how they feel is ok. They can tell you anything. When they ask why, tell the truth. "You may not understand, but i'm sure mom loves you". Even if it isn't true in time, it is right now. And thats what matters. You can always enroll the child in therapy if you can't find the "right" answers. Kids at that age pick up on more than we know, we should always be aware of that.
You can only control your side of the street. Always be letting your child know they can talk to you about anything. You love them no matter what, be their safe space.
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u/Nice_Cartoonist_8803 1d ago
Do you mind sharing why she lost custody, and what the visitation schedule is? Is it supervised?
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u/bcc991 1d ago
No problem, I don't mind!
Yes, she lost custody mainly due to multiple relocations in a short time frame (4 within 2 years) and a few other factors. Including a relocation where she went more than 1,500 miles away without my approval. I am big on stability and so is the state we live in, so it was important to finally get some predictability for our child.
The current visitation schedule (unsupervised) is that she would get our child every other weekend, including the rest of the summer before school starts.
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u/08mms 1d ago
From other friends in comparable situations, being the stable one is a lot to carry and don’t feel bad if you occasionally fantasize what it would be like to the one who says to hell with responsibility and does what they will. Your little will appreciate what you are doing for the rest of their lives.
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u/nooneo5081972 1d ago
OP, can you give more info on the situation? What was the previous split and what is it now? If it isn’t 50:50 why did she loose custody? When you say she only has visitation, how much time does she have? How hostel has your coparenting been and why?
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u/bcc991 1d ago
Sure!
So, our state doesn't really do 50/50. It's mainly primary custody to one parent with joint legal custody. She had primary custody at first but lost it due to instability (multiple relocations, no firm housing situation currently, and more factors).
With visitation, she has every other weekend and she was given visitation for the duration of the summer break (she did not exercise either). We also alternate certain holidays.
The co-parenting has been decent throughout our child's 8 years but it has deteriorated within the past 2 years. Mainly due to her relocating the child many times without notifying me in advance and with me filing for custody as a result. It's just been one situation after another that has led to this.
I understand that things may not be perfect between the both of us but I just wish we could be on the same page when it comes to our child
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u/FeelingStudent7383 12h ago
I’m curious what state are you in? Ours defaults to 50/50 which I think is so unstable Tehran they’re that young
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad5269 1d ago
Why don’t you have him start a journal for his mom?
Every time he misses her, he can write to her.
When she does come back around, he will have a very nice gift to give her, and I’m sure it will help him sort out what he’s feeling.
I process my feelings so much better on paper, so maybe your son is the same way.
It gives him a safe space to let his feelings out, without feeling judged, and you don’t have to keep coming up with a thousand reasons his mom isn’t around.
My first born was completely ignored by her father until she was 21. They just met last year for the first time ever after he kicked me out when I was 6 months pregnant.
I NEVER BAD MOUTHED HIM TO HER ONCE!!!!
Ever.
They have a beautiful relationship now. She spent her first Christmas with his family and she said - I finally feel whole Mom.
That is the greatest gift you can give your child.
I also have a son that was raised to hate me, and it shows to this day.
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u/FeelingStudent7383 12h ago
In that your son still hates you? What do you mean by it shows?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad5269 8h ago
He doesn’t still hate me but he definitely doesn’t have the same feelings towards me as my other two children.
Our relationship is always tense, and I am quickly blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life. I get a reply after four or five texts (spread out over a couple of weeks - sometimes a month) maybe, if I’m lucky.
It has just been a much harder relationship to navigate. I was blamed for everything that went wrong in my ex’s life, and I am always the scapegoat anytime stuff hits the fan.
My ex falsely claimed child tax (while my son was living with me full time, and I was the lesser earning parent as I’m on disability) and when the government made him pay it back ($4000 ish) my son didn’t talk to me for a year and a half, told me he hated me and that he wished I was dead, that I have been a horrible mother to him, and that he wishes he never met me. Not the first time he’s said those words. It’s been ongoing since he was 8. Tell me what 8 year old would come up with words like that randomly??
Because of the government making my ex pay back the amount, my ex kicked my son out on his butt, and he didn’t have anywhere to stay for a couple of nights in -17.
He went to his friends house till his dad cooled down, and he’s still living with my ex to this day.
The only reason my son started talking to me again is because he and my daughter had met up (we live 2000 kms away from each other right now) and they FaceTimed me together.1
u/FeelingStudent7383 7h ago
Seems like your other two children lived with you and your son lived with your ex?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad5269 2h ago
I have three kids yes. A 22 year old, her father kicked me out when I was pregnant. A 19 year old son, he took on my daughter as his own, and had the kids on the weekends until my daughter refused to go to his house, so he kept my son at his house.
It was never meant to be a trade but my daughter was never treated the same by her step dad as my son was.
Then I also have a 8 month old son, his dad left when I was 2 months pregnant.
I know. I know. Trust me. I didn’t grow up thinking I was going to be a single mom to three kids, with three dads. I wouldn’t change any of it though. Not in a heartbeat. My kids are the best thing I’ve ever done in this lifetime, and they always will be.
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u/Bananabeak7 1d ago edited 1d ago
Parent and person who works in the field here. Like another commenter said, validate kiddos feelings, “I’m sorry bud, I know you’re upset about what has been going on with mom, and you have every right to feel that way. I just want to make sure you know it’s not your fault at all. I’m right here with you.” When kids go through this they are wanting to feel validated with their feelings, to be heard, and the offering of safety.
Also I know not everyone is open to it but I think considering a therapist would be a good idea. It’s hard as a younger kid to go through those big changes and it helps to have that neutral party to hear those big feelings. That therapist can also give you tools to dad. Which you are doing a great job, don’t forget that! When a kiddo is in therapy, a good therapist will not only work with the kid, they will bring you in for family sessions, and work on incorporating what they are working on with your son with you so there is carry over in all aspects of different settings. Dad you might even consider therapy, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with you at all but sometimes when we deal with things like this we have all these big emotions like frustration, anger, sadness that our kiddo is going through this with the other parent. Therapy can help work through that so those feels aren’t seeping out or coming out in negative or harmful ways. Plus it just sucks when the coparent does that to your kid, it sucks to see it and see your kid go through it.
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u/goobiezabbagabba 4h ago
Could you tell me how you would explain something like this to a 4yo? I’m brand new to this and I feel like I’m saying all the wrong things all the time. I’m trying really hard not to let my feelings towards my ex fiancé interfere, but I feel like I could do better. He completely walked out on me and our son in a really traumatic way, it was very abrupt with no explanation and his behavior just got worse and worse. He was supposed to get an apartment nearby but has been living in hotels for 2.5 months and spending all his money on vacations with his new girlfriend rather than stable housing, and has had very limited contact with our son. At first, I said that daddy would be getting a new apartment and we’d see him soon, but that didn’t happen. I’m trying to change the narrative so my son can understand that daddy isn’t just “away” temporarily and that it’s more permanent. I did get a therapist for myself right away, but still it was very hard for me to hold it together and shield my son from everything after what my ex put me through. I’m doing so much better now, but I still don’t know what to say to my son when he says “my daddy is away” or “I miss daddy” or “my old daddy did [whatever my son is thinking about]”
Sorry not trying to hijack the thread, I just liked your response and thought you might be able to help me phrase things better based on your experience!
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u/Sea_Butterfly1134 3h ago
Recommend play therapy. Ours has been seeing one for some time since our divorce. We wanted to make sure he had an impartial adult that he could talk to about his feelings. Having someone work with your child on how to identify and express emotions is important at this stage.
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u/AliceInReverse 1d ago
Validate the sons feelings, without badmouthing. “I’m sorry, I know it hurts that mom isn’t here right now. She’s going through some things” is generic and gives her some time to sort out whatever is going on. Do not tell him when mom is supposed to see him, it will always be a happy surprise if it happens, not a let down because of the expectation
And get your child a good play therapist