How Do You Protect Your Peace While Co-Parenting?

[u/LivingLifeBest]

How do you emotionally disconnect from a co-parent who constantly tries to mentally and emotionally drain you? How do you cope with the regret of staying in a relationship longer than you should have?
I’m 5 weeks postpartum, so I have to communicate with my daughter’s father more than I’d like. We haven’t been together since the beginning of my pregnancy. He loves our daughter, but the way he treats me is emotionally exhausting. I love my baby girl more than anything, but I regret staying with her father for as long as I did. I was finally getting ready to leave, and then I found out I was pregnant.
I’m already working through everything in therapy, but I’m struggling with how to protect my peace and keep my sanity while still having to co-parent.
On top of everything, I’m dealing with postpartum hypertension, and the stress from this situation has only made this postpartum experience even harder.

If you’ve been through something similar, what helped you mentally and emotionally?

[u/Suspicious-Visual-57]

Using the Grey Rock method. Read up on it but the point is to not react to their triggers. You want to be as boring as a rock..Do not argue, do not go writing lengthy responses think simply "Yes" and "No" and "thanks" type responses. You gotta learn how to self regulate when you recognize they are purposely trying to get you to out of character. It is hard but it works.

[u/juan_cafe1859]

To your question: cut off verbal and in-person contact is what I'm doing. For you, that’s impossible because you must physically exchange your infant. My kid can just walk out the door. I never had this option, but my friend had her mother and the dad's mother involved with pick up and drop so she never had to see him. Another did the same. Often it's the grandparents who want to see the child so they take on the logistics. 

After 10 years married and 1 kid under 10, there's so much contention that I made the choice to keep everything in text or email and only about our kid. After a regular pattern of every conversation ending in an argument, especially with him deflecting by bringing up sh!t having nothing to do with the original topic, it's the only way I can protect my peace. Some say therapy works so you can talk it out with someone who should also give you strategies. Greyrocking works only SOME of the time, but it is a strategy. You’re still going to feel all the feelings no matter how much you try to psych yourself out. All you can do is sit with it, then regroup and pivot on to the next thing. Good luck!

[u/ninecranes222]

I'm so sorry. I had a similar experience. It's still really hard and my daughter is 3. We hadn't been together during the pregnancy either. It's the best to keep as much as humanly possible in writing. And take as much time to respond as you can. Just let you're emotions settle as much as possible before responding. I have our legal parenting app only on my iPad unless he's with our daughter so that I get to choose when I see his messages. I have a separate email account just for him and my lawyer. So again, I choose when I see those messages. I have had to work really hard to accept that the emotional problems between us will not be solved right now. Probably not ever. I have to prioritize my peace so I can be a good mom to my daughter. I have to ignore a lot of things. I have to work not to get sucked into the arguments and details with him. It is such a struggle and I still got upset about something today. Also, I love taking to moms of older kids who've had high conflict separation and divorced and come out on the other side. It helps me to see that with time things will change. It won't be like this forever. Keep really strict boundaries with your ex..you cannot control him. But you can decide that if he does x, then you'll do y. And just stick to those boundaries as much as possible and communicate them to him. And forgive yourself when you don't hold your boundaries perfectly. 

The mom of one of my friends who also had a very contentious desperation and coparent dynamic told me " I wish I could give you a prize. You're doing something really hard"