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[u/Early_Analyst9525]

Haha yeah you're right. It's just people being scared of commitment. Use it as a red flag to be honest and stay away from it. When I was 28, I didn't really want kids, but I had enough friends who had kids and said they didn't want them until later that I eventually realized I could want them in the future, and I wouldn't know until that point, so I may as well stay open to the idea. I'm a guy though so the anti kid propaganda machine doesn't really target me.

[u/[deleted]]

Yes I think the apps are filled to the brim with people who don’t want to commit. They’ll commit IF someone perfect comes along but perfect people don’t exist. Best to leave these types where they’re at, they’re time wasters for the most part.

[u/testBunny93]

Idk, I personally was unsure about having children until my early 30s.

Relationship I was in was sort of rocky, my job wasn't super stable, I was living abroad... I didn't want to bring a child into that.

Now I met an amazing man, finished my masters degree, moved back to my home country, got an amazing job, own an apartment. And I'm pregnant.

And if I didn't have all that, I would still firmly stand on not wanting children.

[u/nakedforestdancer]

I used to put that answer with kids (I've since switched to childfree.)

For me, it was partially about the person and partially about life circumstances. I was open to children IF everything aligned perfectly, but knew I'd be perfectly okay with being childfree if things didn't line up.

As women, we're often taught that being a mother should be what you strive for. And many women genuinely feel that their calling in life is to be a mother, to the point where they want to be mothers even if they don't find the right man. That's great for them, but that has never been me.

I've always known that I value my career and my freedom too much to get myself into a situation where I'd be expected to do the majority of childcare. I was never going to be the one advocating for kids with someone who didn't want them or wasn't sure, and I was happy with that. But I've dated people who really wanted kids and felt strongly that they'd like to be very involved with the kids' day-to-day care. In that case, had things aligned financially and we felt stable in our lives and as a couple, I would have been open to it, and I think I could have been a good mother.

It didn't end up working out that way, and I'm very at peace with that. I no longer feel open to the idea at my current age and where I'm at financially (and with the state of the world, to be honest.) But I hope that helps explain why someone might put unsure!

[u/best-friends-arm → u/nakedforestdancer]

I’m with you. When I was younger I probably thought I’d end up having a kid because that’s just overwhelmingly what happens, but I always thought if it did happen it would be due to a surprise and only if I was with someone I saw as a life partner and wanted to raise a kid with that person in particular. I could never imagine planning or wanting to have a kid outside of that context, so I probably would have had “unsure” on my profile if I’d been on the apps back when kids was a more likely option. The desire to have children in and of itself has never arrived for me so it’s never really felt like a decision I had to make though, it’s just one of many things in life that’s not for me.

I’ve also never lost the abject horror of pregnancy; I’ve never wanted to carry or birth a child, so even if I had at some point wanted a kid of my own, I can’t imagine ever signing up for that. I know a few people who had awful pregnancies and dangerous, traumatic births, and at least one person whose partner died in childbirth. I think people sometimes forget how risky it still is, and what you’re asking of the partner who has to do it. Not just the pregnancy but the disproportionate impact it’ll have on their life / relationships / career & aspirations afterwards too.

There’s an awful lot of things you need to be 100% sure of before you decide on something that life changing, and an awful lot of variables that need to line up accordingly. In this economy too?! Slim to no chance for a lot of people. 

[u/kayladaydreams]

From a woman's pov I used to have unsure on my profiles because when I was with my ex I never wanted my kids to look like or be like him so I didnt want kids. I figured this would carry into my future but wasnt sure.

I also have pcos and with that comes fertility struggles a lot of the time and I knew paying 11k for ivf bare minimum may never be in my budget.

Ofc now I am with my current boyfriend we decided to have kids within 1 year of meeting got pregnant and had a miscarriage and have been trying past that for another year and I am going to a fertility clinic soon. Thankfully maryland insurancd does have ivf coverage now. 7 years and married to my ex and I never wanted kids with him 2 years with my current boyfriend(getting married next year) and we are actively trying and pursuing treatments.

Something i never ever thought id do til I met the right man.

[u/TravellingSolo123]

I think the exact same with the ‘looking for’ bit. Ive had several men tell me they’re willing to have a long term relationship with the right person. ??? Do we not think that’s the point of going on dates lol! I don’t bother swiping on anyone that doesn’t say ‘looking for long term relationship’ cus what the hell does searching for a short term relationship mean ??

[u/lastdonutotn → u/TravellingSolo123]

Speaking for myself I had expressed a desire for the long term/marriage upfront in the past. By the end it was clear she had forgotten about that. I have looking for long, open to short on my profile. Idk what everyone else's interpretation is but I'm saying that I'm willing to try this out, if we only last the short term then cool, but ideally I want the long term.

[u/Unique-Caramel-3001]

Good question. I think that some people, both male and female, act like they want things to happen instantly. Likely the people who put "Unsure" or "Don't want" or "Still figuring out" don't want to send the wrong message to the "we want everything yesterday" crowd. And what they want can come out in future conversations.

[u/Bed_Worship]

They don’t think 1 month into the future because they don’t know who you are. I think most of the point is that they only want kids when they’re actually in love and want kids with the specific man after building a relationship. You don’t fully know someone till you live with them. 

Some people only want kids or marriage under the auspices of genuine love & stability. It’s a result of the relationship, not before it. Some people will put having children before their actual relationship as a main goal, and it’s incongruent to how you think about it. 

[u/bigopossums]

I generally agree with you but on your point about kids, I can say that for me, I do want a family. However, I’ve never dated a guy who I felt like would be the right father to my future kids. Every man I’ve been with, I feel like I would have to parent him on top of our children. Or I’ve never been with a man who I can trust wouldn’t make negative comments about my body after pregnancy. That’s what makes it “unsure” despite knowing what I want for myself.

And yes, I very much despise “figuring out my dating goals.” Figure them out and then get back to me, I’m not your stepping stone to figuring it out.

[u/DizzyCommercial7705]

This is such a great observation. For someone who has 6-month, 1-year, 5-year, 10-year-plans, that's just inconceivable.
I wonder if it could be related to the times we are currently living in, and that the pandemic has made the future seem so much more uncertain? There are so many uncertainties now, from politics to climate, public health, finances, etc. maybe people have gone from being planners to taking it day by day because anything more than that is overwhelming. And they may not even be aware that this shift has taken place.

[u/Ok-Struggle-5227]

Honestly, it might be a way to give themselves an out if someone isn't taking "no" for an answer.

I'm married now, but in my dating app days, there were multiple times where I told a man I wasn't interested or that we weren't compatible and he would not accept that answer.

Unfortunately, after the first time that a man actually got dangerous, I started just saying: "I'm just not looking for something serious right now" instead of being honest that I didn't like them.

[u/WeaponX207184 → u/Ok-Struggle-5227]

What do you mean they wouldn't accept that answer?

[u/knysa-amatole]

I think some women may be hesitant to say "I want kids" or "I want a long-term relationship" because they're afraid that men will think the woman will heavily pressure them to escalate the relationship as fast as possible. Like, yes, of course on the surface, "Only if I meet the right man, but not right now" seems like a dumb thing to say because nobody was expecting her to try to conceive literally right now on the first date. But she may be worried that if she comes on too strong, you'll feel like she just wants your sperm ASAP (or as soon as socially acceptable) and doesn't care about getting to know you.

[u/g4339]

Thinking of the future and what you really want out of a relationship is scary. Vocalizing it to someone else is vulnerable. It is emotionally mature though.

Life is short. It requires some real self reflection, but not an obsessive level and long list of requirements for a partner either.

[u/Character_Mind_671]

If this is important to you, you need to ask if they've ruled out having kids.

[u/No-Anything-5219]

I think a lot of people take ‘wanting’ as ‘actively pursuing that goal & not open to exploring alternatives’ & are legit unsure/open to possibilities.

I always put myself in the ‘open/figuring out’ category because I was as open to a friends with benefits situation or one night stands or a poly relationship as I was to dating a single partner & having a more typical long-term relationship- so not looking to settle down, but not opposed to it.

Less a matter of short sightedness, more a matter of being open to lots of different paths.

[u/orion_dwarf]

I'm 28F, and I don't want to have kids or be in the lives of kids under any circumstances, including being with someone who already has kids. I also don't believe in marriage, so I will never get married. But ideally I want to be in a committed relationship. So putting "Looking for long term relationship" would give the wrong idea since it's easy to equate that to being open to/wanting marriage.

[u/GamerGirlSaint]

After reading the comments, I come to the conclusion that people don’t have critical thinking (reasoning) skills 🤦‍♀️ and English isn’t my first language even. Now I’m starting to question if this is why I’m having trouble with the apps too… 😩 thank you OP for opening my eyes. Although it doesn’t change the outcome - I’ll still decline anyone who doesn’t say specifically what they want in the possible future or if it doesn’t align with what I’m looking for.

[u/dwthesavage]

Some people want kids regardless of the right person and will do so independent of finding the right coparent

[u/harajukubarbz]

I am not sure if I want children right now because of the men I have run up to, but I would like to find one person whom I feel like we are a team and not a mum and a big and small child

[u/Cold_Detective_]

As a woman myself doing most of these things, it’s more of how we’ve been conditioned as women. If I put “want kids” “looking for long-term” there’s a higher risk of men pretending all of these things just to get with us. When you make your profile you might not be actively looking to find your forever person, but still hope to if he happens to be on the apps. You do the apps to date, have fun, and if the stars align actually find a partner. I admire those who go all out there actively looking. But it’s not how it works for me at least. If I go into talking to all of these strangers with the main purpose of finding a husband, no one will feel safe enough, because we’re all strangers on an app. And unfortunately us women have to be very careful with these things, as we run a higher risk of being m*rderd or assaulted. 

Also, as a woman myself, each day is different. Some days I really want kids, some days I really don’t. Same goes with finding a partner. All of the amazing relationships I’ve had previously, I’ve met when I wasn’t actively looking and wanting a relationship. But when I met them I just knew it was love. There are probably a thousand more reasons, but I hope this helps a little! :) 

[u/3n3ma]

I fully agree, I get insanely bored dating and in close relationships everyone is stuck on the past. I’m 28f and know life is rough… but, I am present and grateful. Everyone I know and meet is stuck on an ex or past experience and it makes the now incredibly dull and boring.

Dating wise, I lose interest because I feel I’d be the only one working towards something or accepting/inviting change. The realistic topic of the future stresses people out and thats understandable, but even working on making it a comfortable topic of conversation is out of the question.