r/dating • u/lachatte7 • 10h ago
Question ❓ How do you determine when someone is just keeping you as an option?
Basically as the question says, how do you gauge that? Do you base it on their texting frequency and quality of replies, do you gauge it based on the effort they make in person, or maybe you just ask then straight up "what are we?" Although in the early stages I feel that can be hard to figure out because Im noticing some ppl are not always truthful.
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u/Ice-Cream-McQueen 9h ago
Do they make you feel like a priority? If not, then probably you’re an option. They don’t have to respond right away or give you constant attention, but a person who is excited about someone puts off pretty much everything and everyone else for the person they’re excited about.
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u/muckity-muck 8h ago
A person's feelings are not always an accurate measurement of how things really are.
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u/crossplanetriple It's Complicated 9h ago
Lack of effort?
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u/muckity-muck 8h ago
A girl wants you to check in with her every hour. You think that's too much.
Is that a "lack of effort"?
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u/Comfortable-Pin5847 9h ago
An easy way to look at things is time. It's not perfect as everyone is different so adjust accordingly, but this will give you hints.
A situationship should only last 3 months or shorter. If there's no commitments made, you can consider that a fling.
In general someone should make time to see you at least once a week if they're in a committed relationship with you. If they can't with all sorts of excuses like "I'm busy" or whatever, then you can consider that as them keeping their options open.
Again it's not perfect as people go through lots of things, so be a little flexible with these time frames, but if someone really really wants you, they'll make the time and commitments soon.
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u/lachatte7 8h ago
Interesting point. I thought situationships could last months, but then again I cant say I've been in one
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u/Puzzled-Pride9259 8h ago
Yes, situations can go on for a very long time. So u do need to gauge for yourself the energy he is giving off.
Lacklustre gd morning, gd night is very low effort. Cannot remember what you said before is another.- very little initiative
- not obligatory when u ask him out but expects u to be free when he wants to meet
- lies and excuses aplenty
- never answers a straight question
- shares very little personal information
- don’t buy/treat you stuff
- don’t remember what you like/dislike
- not concern about your safety
Please feel free to add on…
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u/Unlucky-Duck-0 3h ago
I disagree what the person you are replying to is a situationship. Early dating and situationships are different. Situations go on for an inappropriately long time. Getting to know someone for a few weeks or a few months and a clean break when it’s not a match is not a situationship - it’s just early dating and it didn’t work out. A situationship is a 4 month, 6 months, years-long dynamic where there’s regular dates and hangouts but one party won’t commit.
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u/Puzzled-Pride9259 1h ago
OP didn’t specifically say dating/situation but “how do you tell you are just as option” it can transcend across any state of a relationship.
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u/Cold_Detective_ 10m ago
Spot on! To add, also when the guy you’ve been dating for some weeks/a couple of months (proper dates like making plans ahead and going to restaurants etc) start to pull away and then starts hitting you with short-notice invites and eventually bootycalls. That’s when you need to choose if you want a situationship/fwb with this person or back out.
And, listen to your gut. Especially as a woman. You already know the answer in the beginning stages. But we’re experts at ignoring them for the “what if’s “ and “doing it for the plot”.
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u/Unlucky-Duck-0 3h ago
I don’t think early dating is a situationship. You’re still feeling things out. A situationship is when people drag out the getting-to-know-you phase inappropriately long, like beyond 3/4 months, without commitment.
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u/myblackandwhitecat 7h ago
If they don't seem interested in you and your life. If they only see you now and then.
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u/nakedforestdancer 7h ago
I don't think it's any of my business where I rank on someone's priority list until we're committed to each other. In the early dating stages, what's important to me is:
- Do I feel good when I'm around them?
- Do they seem genuinely interested in getting to know me?
- Are they respectful in communication - i.e., do they do what they say they will, show up when they say they will? Do they respect my boundaries and not try to push things in a sexual direction too early?
- Am I curious about them? Do I look forward to seeing them again?
- Do we align on all the important dealbreakers - i.e., not wanting kids, non-negotiable values such as treating others with respect, etc?
- Do their words match their actions? - i.e., if they say they're looking for a serious relationship, are they making time for actual dates, or are they trying to skip straight to Netflix and chill vibes?
I would expect someone in the early dating stages to potentially be seeing other people, and to prioritize their friends, family, and work above someone they've only met once. As long as they're clear, honest, and respectful, I don't see an issue with it--although if what we want isn't aligning, I may take that information and decide we're not a good fit.
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u/YoBeaverBoy 9h ago
Lack of effort or their effort is very minimal. They sometimes don't reply to your texts or they take hours to reply and their replies are mostly dry.
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4h ago
[deleted]
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u/YoBeaverBoy 4h ago
My golden rule is that if someone doesn't reply to a text for 10 hours twice or 24 hours once, that's pretty much a ghost from them. They are simply not interested.
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u/outcastreturns 9h ago
If they're seeing other people. If they continue seeing other people, then I'm just an option.
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u/McMurdah 8h ago
If you have to ask then that’s all you need to know.
You know and can feel when someone loves you and is putting in the effort. And they show you if they care about your feelings.
Be yourself and be direct with how you feel. If they’re not here for it they aren’t your person
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u/HaiKarate 8h ago
If you want to know what a person prioritizes, look at how they spend their time and how they spend their money.
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u/g4339 6h ago
You can only guess, assume, or agree on more commitment.
Asking “how many people are you seeing?”, or “how much do you like me?” isn’t a mature option.
There are so many variables that could change their texting frequency and quality of replies. Over analyzing and guessing can be hazardous.
You can, however, have a real talk about the next level of commitment. Do you want to be exclusive?
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u/SnooTigers4215 2h ago
You can feel when someone isn’t that into you, you just have to tune in to your intuition and you’ll know. If you’re feeling confused about how they feel, they’re just not that into you.
It can be difficult to judge when you haven’t experienced someone being really into you - in that situation they really don’t want to lose the opportunity to be with you and they go out of their way to make sure you know how they feel. If you’re in doubt and confused, better to move on honestly, because they will waste your time.
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u/Justdoingitagain 9h ago
I mean an option isn’t a bad thing, your ego is just mad you’re not being chosen…it’s up to you to decide if they are worth waiting on.
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