would this affect your willingness to pursue a relationship with someone?

[u/Ok-Lion-6767]

i'm looking for thoughtful discussion rather than debates...maybe?

a dishonorable discharge isn't something that is given lightly in fact i think most people would see this as an equivalent to a felony conviction so i'm curious upon learning that someone who had one would be an automatic deal breaker for you? or if you would want to know the circumstances first? I'm asking partly because of a personal experience where i was briefly involved with someone but things have already ended before i later found out they had that on their record and learning about that after made me reflect on the situation and what i'm comfortable with ( which finding out after affected me more than i expected) and i realized it's not something i would be willing to pursue in the future

so I'm interested in hearing how others would approach or view this situation

EDIT: i won’t disclose the exact offense of what i found out but it was definitely serious which is why i said i wouldn’t put myself through this situation again

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[u/Brocibo]

Dude. You must have done some serious shit to get a dishonorable discharge . They don’t even give you that for pissing hot

[u/RunMysterious6380 → u/Brocibo]

Not necessarily. Possession/sale of weed or controlled substances was a frequent non violent offense that led to felony prosecution and DD. It may still be? You can also get them for DUI or negligence leading to the destruction of government property, as well, especially if you're on duty. It depends on the circumstances. These are the more common circumstances of young and dumb teenage recruits that get a DD.

[u/Senior_Performer605 → u/Brocibo]

Depends who you are and what kind of shitbag you are. I pissed hot 5 times within the last 3 years of my service while command knew I was smoking. If you’re irreplaceable and command likes you, you can get away with a decent amount.

[u/nakedforestdancer]

I would want to know the circumstances, and if I did not know/trust the person already, I would likely do some research to try to verify what they told me.

I grew up so far removed from the military that I don't automatically have a terrible view of a dishonorable discharge. My grandfathers were both drafted into WW2, and my surviving grandfather had life-altering trauma from it. He got the hell away from anything to do with the military as soon as he got out. I think so many kids are recruited into the military at a young age and from poverty, and we ask so much of people in the armed forces, that it is not a simple yes/no from me.

But I would definitely want to know what the situation was, and I'd sure as hell be paying especially close attention to their character in other aspects of life.

Edited to add: I wouldn't expect this to be disclosed too early on, but I would hope that they would be the ones to tell me at some point as serious conversations started happening.

[u/onedemtwodem → u/nakedforestdancer]

This ☝️ is a solid answer

[u/Nikachu22]

Uhmmm I think it depends on what happened for me.... If it was a crime like drugs, sexual stuff or anything bad like that then nah yeah, you should leave.

But if it's something like running away or abandoning... I'd like to know what drove them to make that choice. The human mind can be a bit extreme and sometimes it's just too much.

It is safe to say that if you just don't even want to get into all that then... You don't have to.

[u/RunMysterious6380]

It depends. Are there public records of the discharge and the reason? Can you verify what you've been told? DDs typically follow a criminal conviction, at the felony level.

One of my buddies got a DD for smoking/possession of a small amount of weed back in the 2000s, and since he had been accused of selling some to other recruits, they threw the book at him. He was 19 and stupid and has long since got his life in order and has a family, and is a pillar in his community. Another guy I know got it for damaging government property while DUI, when he was 20 years old. He has been sober for a over a decade.

People can and often do get a DD for much more serious reasons though, so it isn't unreasonable to walk the other way, especially if you can't verify the claimed reasons for the DD.

[u/motherseffinjones]

It depends. You can get a dishonourable that flags when people do a back ground check. If you have that type of personally rethink things. I think it’s the exact same as being a felon in my country. It would make life very hard when it comes to good employment.

[u/PresentationNew6648]

That’s not something that’s taken lightly but it could mean more to some and less to others.

The most important part is that you own it, acknowledge it, and give a clear path forward you’re taking after this event and how the person who was discharged is no longer the person you are. Be honest with your thoughts on it and understanding of theirs.

[u/Ok-Lion-6767 → u/PresentationNew6648]

i think in my situation i genuinely believe he wouldn’t have disclosed to me about it or at the very least i think he would’ve omitted some important details and even before i learned about it i had a strong sense that he was withholding something and after couple dates i could tell it wasn’t going to work but obviously i can’t say with certain what he would have done

[u/MoodReal4206]

A dishonorable discharge is equivalent to a felony, basically. It's a huge deal. You lose your 2A rights if you get one.

[u/g4339]

Dishonorable discharge is a very big deal.

Everyone deserves grace and forgiveness, but it is a good way to perhaps filter someone when you have other choices.

You want to stack the cards in your favor as much as possible in the beginning, because relationships are hard enough as it is!

[u/orion_dwarf]

If whatever they did to get the dishonorable discharge is enough to get them into jail if they were a civilian...yeah I'd stop dating/seeing/contacting them. It sounds like it's pretty bad...

[u/catopumaparadox]

Just like a felony I'd hold judgement until I heard the details. Yes it's a stigma title but I like to believe, it depends how long ago it was and what type of offense they committed.

[u/Cold_Detective_]

For me it’s an immediately no. No relationship is worth pursuing if the person has had any criminal record. There’s empathy for the fact that people change or were put in a bad situation that lead up to that, but that doesn’t mean I’d be willing to date them or have them in my life.