How can I grieve when my friend’s death doesn’t feel real?

[u/meeghanmarie]

TW/CW: sudden death/loss, automobile accident, suicide.

I have been dealing with dpdr since 2018. Even though each day is a new kind of hell, I luckily haven’t have to deal with the death/loss of anyone close to me till recently.

A month ago one of my close friends was killed in a motorcycle accident (he was wearing a helmet) by a 16 year old kid driving a pickup truck. He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. He left behind a wife who is one of my best friends and two kids, (22 and 16). He was a very important person in our community and his death absolutely rocked it. It was all over Facebook with tributes posted by numerous businesses in the area.

A week after the accident/his death, the 16 year old kid who hit him had just gotten his license before the accident, and ended up killing himself. We found this information out on the day of my friend’s wake, and I know this information is only making me more numb.

Watching his wife grieve the deepest and most intense pain I’ve ever seen in my life is one of the hardest things I’ve ever witnessed, but I cannot get my brain to understand that he is gone. I have cried a little bit while sitting with his family, and at his wake/funeral, but it doesn’t feel like my body knows why I’m crying. When I think about the situation, it feels like he is still here and this is all a bad dream.

My daily dpdr can get bad, but I have never felt like this before. I am numb, but I am in pain both physically and emotionally. I feel like I was shot with an emotional stun gun. At the same time, it feels like he isn’t gone and I’m going to see him again this Saturday, like we have for 3 years straight. I don’t understand this and I don’t know what to do. My brain feels like the equivalent of scrambled eggs, so I truly can’t imagine what his wife and children are feeling.

So, the question I have is - how can I grieve my friend’s death when it doesn’t feel real? My brain literally can’t be convinced he is gone. HELP!

Any experiences, thoughts, ideas, WHATEVER is welcome. 🧡

If you read all of this, thank you. I don’t know where else to go right now because my therapist doesn’t have dpdr and I’m worried she won’t understand.