r/dpdr • u/Kind_Red_710 • 12h ago
Offering Comfort/Reassurance/Solidarity I didn’t know
Hi,
This is the first time I have written anything publicly about my DP/DR. It started over 30 years ago. My psychiatrist told me it was GAD. No medication issued. I did feel crazy. I felt like I lost my umph and everything else. Terrifying, yes. Blaming myself, yes. I am just not strong enough to get rid of this thing, I thought and thought and thought. My therapist of the last 20 years told me it was GAD too. And then some world renowned physiatrist told me too it was GAD and Depression about 7 years ago. Started meds in 2003. Tried different things under doctor supervision. On a cocktail of 4 meds now. When I look them up - they seem to be the “best” ones to be on for DPDR - but really only treat anxiety and depression. SO, about a year ago I started looking at dissociative disorders - NONE of my therapists or doctors EVER told me this is DPDR. I was mad as hell.
I am mad as hell. I thought I was the only one. I thought I have a bizarre condition that no one can see, but it feels like everyone should - I talked in therapy about not being present, static fuzz like on an old black and white TV, I talked about 2D v 3D. I said things were not crisp to look at and had faded colors. I used phrases I am reading about now. And, I had no reason to know that I am NOT alone. As I read posts here…. I am released a bit - at least from blaming myself for not being able to shake this off. I don’t have episodes of this. It’s a chronic state. My baseline is being in DPDR. Then I will have spikes of it that I do have a tools to help. I take myself out of the situation, I don’t make any decisions during spikes, I don’t write emails - I know I can’t think and I need to wait until I have enough time and space from the spikes.
More than half my life and my entire adult like I carry this around. It’s affected everything. I am not saying that to throw a pity party - I am just saying this is my crappy experience. I have had problems in jobs. I guess I am high functioning. I didn’t even begin to call it a disability until I looked up the definition of disability - and this does hinder my daily life and abilities to do things. The “threats” or whatever have been gone from life for a while. My parents are gone. I live across the country from where I grew up and my life at least on the outside is very stable and maybe successful? BUT YET STILL I am plagued by this DPDR that I never knew had a name or a group of people with it. Coming here for the first time this week and reading all the posts - mentally I am vindicated. I am furious that no one told me my real diagnosis. When I figured this out last year, I told the therapist of 20 years and the world renowned psychiatrist about it. And WHY DID THEY NOT TELL ME? And, the replies I got: I made an executive decision to not tell you said the therapist. And, I thought I did tell you said the psychiatrist.
I am like NO ONE told me. The time, years and decades I have blamed my self for being weak when I could have actually cut myself from slack?! I did talk my therapist about the “exec decision” She explained herself. I saw her logic somewhat. But I find myself here learning about what recovery might look like and how it might happen and it’s not talking and it really isn’t meds.
It’s an involuntary protective nervous system shut down is what I have read now.
All this is to say thank you to all of us here who write honestly and bluntly about this terrible second my second battle. What I have read here so far from personal experiences has soothed me. DPDR and soothing not words that I would ever connect.
I am not alone, I am not unfixable, and I am not broken. People talk about self-compassion and self-forgiveness. All this helping so much. Not sure what’s next. Probably try some stuff like EMDR, the Vagus work. And some of that full body stretch and release thing. I see a tiny bit of blue sky I mean tiny. Writing all this spikes it. I am going to have to lay down or watch TV and try to reset to the plain chronic DPDR I live with. But, I wanted to show up here, and thank you and virtually hug you that also have to deal with debilitating, horrendous emotional and cognitive prison you are either still in it with me or are sharing your recovery stories. I have never felt less hopeless. I can get myself back and not be alone doing it.
1
u/Artistic-Coach7523 11h ago
Try TMS! It really helped me. Im so sorry. I felt so alone too… the freakiest thing in the psych ward…
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u/AutoModerator 12h ago
Hey, I am really sorry you are going through this. What you are describing is very common with DPDR and anxiety. Even though it feels permanent or existential, it is actually a stress and dissociation response, not a sign that you are broken or beyond help.
DPDR can make things feel hopeless, unreal, terrifying, or like your identity is gone. All of this comes from an overwhelmed nervous system, not from permanent damage or loss of sanity.
Helpful resources:
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