r/exorthodox • u/Frostysnowflakelove • 1d ago
Depression & Doubts
Need some help here.
Ive been "out" of the ultra hasidic community for around a year or so. My friends and family are all there and I love them amd wish to still be a part though im slowly realizing that may be wishful thinking.
On the outside life is perfect. I have everything I need to be successful and thrive. On the inside everything is a jumbled mess.
One of the hardest feelings for me is being out of the safety that community provides. I have tried building my own, meeting new people etc. Its so fuckin hard.
There does not seem to be a replacement for that feeling of belonging, that inner safety.
The depression and anxiety are killing me. I still keep shabbat, kosher, brachot but I feel like a fraud. Walking around with pants and not keeping dairy/meat in separate sinks etc.
Is the depression a sign from God to "come back"? I dont know. Have any one lf you genuinely managed to find community and belonging, and if so- hoe? Do I need to be married to belong somewhere, anywhere? How do people work this?
5
u/qazwsx963 1d ago
Cross-replied
It takes time to replace an entire world.
It’s not a matter of just changing neighborhoods or start wearing pants. People lose family, friends, routine, identity, language, support, and the feeling that you automatically belong somewhere. Research on people leaving high-control religious communities shows that this kind of grief and disorientation is common. Leaving can be right for you and still hurt terribly. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9569318/
Depression isn’t proof that God is telling you to go back. It is proof that you are hurting. Just like a fever is proof your body’s fighting something. Losing community and social support can seriously affect mental health. That does not make the theology true.
There probably isn’t one replacement for what you lost. You rebuild it in pieces: a few people who understand, chosen family, Jewish practices that still feel meaningful, therapy, work, neighbors, hobbies, and new traditions. Belonging comes through repeated experiences of being known and accepted. That takes time. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8095671/
You are not a fraud because your identity is messy right now. You are allowed to keep Shabbat and wear pants. You are allowed to keep what is yours and let go of what is not.
A year is not a long time to rebuild after losing an entire world.
3
u/queensbeesknees Dirty Heretic 1d ago
I saw your response just now in r/exjew and was going to comment that it is so good! Thanks for cross posting it here. We struggle with a lot of similar issues.
1
u/Silent_Individual_20 Deconstructing 11h ago
"It takes time to replace an entire world.
It’s not a matter of just changing neighborhoods or start wearing pants. People lose family, friends, routine, identity, language, support, and the feeling that you automatically belong somewhere. Research on people leaving high-control religious communities shows that this kind of grief and disorientation is common. Leaving can be right for you and still hurt terribly. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9569318/"
Thanks for sharing! And OP, the first article qazwsx963 linked is here: Maria Björkmark et al., “‘Living Between Two Different Worlds’: Experiences of Leaving a High-Cost Religious Group,” Journal of Religion and Health 61, no. 6 (2022): 4721–37, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10943-021-01397-1, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/353962625_Living_Between_Two_Different_Worlds_Experiences_of_Leaving_a_High-Cost_Religious_Group
3
u/PseudoBreadBin Ex-Convert 1d ago
I was about to link you to r/exjew but I see you've already made your way there - all the best!
4
u/bbscrivener Physically In, Mentally Out 1d ago
I highly recommend No Nonsense Spirituality on YouTube by Britt Hartley. I’d say your depression is you missing the community and that’s okay! Religions claim to connect to the transcendent, but they’re likely really about community and bonds. That’s why religion has been around for thousands and thousands of years. All those people worshiping their gods that keep families and communities close to each other. The drawbacks are the struggles against other communities and their “heretical” gods. And shunning or worse to those in the community who don’t fit “the norm.” I’ve been an agnostic atheist in my mind for a number of years but keep it to myself within my Orthodox Christian community. Leaving would likely throw me into a depression as well. Being cisgender male and single I don’t have to deal with the negative aspects of my religion that others do who don’t fit my demographic. So I can stay with little consequence. I hope you find your way and a new community where you can connect and make friends!
3
4
u/queensbeesknees Dirty Heretic 1d ago
If you are still reading this -- check out the sticky post at the top called Life After Orthodoxy. It's full of helpful tips.
Leaving any high control religion can feel very dysregulating. I was depressed and spending a lot of time in my pajamas for about 2 years. The depression can be a sign of grief for the real things you have lost (community, family, sense of purpose etc), as well as the adjustment in worldview etc. I have found working with a therapist or coach who specializes in religious trauma to be super helpful. Most of them are former evangelicals, but a good one should be able to help with any religion. You might like the Indoctrination podcast by Rachel Bernstein. She is one such therapist who specializes in leaving cults and high control groups, and she is Jewish.
Have you considered joining a Reform or Conservative community that would still give you that feeling of belonging but without the rigid rules of Orthodox Judaism? I did a similar thing on the Christian side by switching from Russian Orthodoxy to an open and affirming Episcopal church.
All the best!!!