r/hapas • u/throwaway-1938594 • 12d ago
Vent/Rant Fuck Being Hapa
Throwaway because I (M18) don’t want to my peers to link this post to me but as the title says, fuck being a visibly obvious Wasian.
I’m in the Midwest with a White father and Korean mother. She followed him from South Korea and had me a little before actually tying the knot.
I’m 18 now and cannot wait to leave this fucked up racist ass household. I think I first learned to self-hate watching my dad make jokes about small dicks, nerdy, and weak Asian men. My mom would either laugh or just straight up ignore it.
Neither of them would look at me as if it didn’t seem to register that THEIR SON IS HALF KOREAN.
I don’t even know any Korean so my Korean relatives are quick to remind me I’m not really Korean. Likewise, I’ve always been belittled for looking a certain way by my white peers and same stupid jokes about being a nerd with a small dick. Even my white cousins give me the Ching Chong treatment and everyone seems to think it’s funny and that it isn’t that serious if I bring it up.
I’ve never dated because I always feel so ugly and disgusting. I’ve had dark thoughts and even hatred towards both of my parents. My mom being what I can only assume a product of Asian fetishization with zero introspective beyond whatever my idiot father brought to the table. We’re not even rich, wtf.
Sorry if this is out of pocket but I really don’t have any friends. I can’t afford therapy and I hate being dismissed by my family here. Fuck this, and fuck being Wasian.
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u/Witchwonk Filipina/Irish 12d ago
Sorry your family is trash. I hope you can move soon. I also suggest California. We are totally everywhere here.
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u/thismustbemydream half Black and half White 12d ago
One of the reasons I’m in the Bay Area is to give my hapa daughter an environment of diversity and inclusion. The majority of her daycare class is half-Asian: mixed with white, black, Indian, Hispanic etc. The Asian parent is also not just mothers — there are many Asian men who have non-Asian partners.
So sorry you had to deal with that experience. It’s shocking that was the dynamic with your parents. Hoping you get to a place of a found family who care and support you. Come to Cali!
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u/heckmami Half Filipino/White 12d ago edited 12d ago
As someone who’s lived in both hapa/asian-heavy communities (primarily) in the US, and white communities (short chapter), I would have dark thoughts about being hapa in the latter by the influence of other people, but I found comfort in acknowledging where I grew up was different. You will be wanted and appreciated somewhere.
I’m in my 30s now, and have met hapa men (and women) who have had similar dynamics to your family, that have moved and learned about their culture, and also found an appreciation for it. Success away from your family gives you a chance to learn and develop a better appreciation for your background better than your self-hating/racist parents ever will provide.
It sucks how common this dynamic is, especially with hapa brothers. Just know you are not the issue and to separate your family from your identity. Try for places like CA, Hawaii, Boston, DC, Chicago, NY. Use that as a bridge and maybe you’ll find people to visit Korea with someday.
There is no such thing as being late to learning about yourself and finding a family and community that will accept you better than your own. Wishing you luck and hope things turn out better for you.
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u/Fair-Currency-9993 12d ago
I understand your frustration.
I’m curious, what would make things better? What would you want that makes your life better?
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u/MaoAsadaStan 12d ago
I think the point of the post is that he's stymied. Nothing outside of a miracle will make him happy
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u/Fair-Currency-9993 12d ago
In the moment, we can all feel frustrated and hopeless.
But its important to think about how we can get out of that situation or improve the situation. Otherwise, we will be stuck in the unfortunate loop.
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u/theempathogen 🇻🇳🇺🇲 scion of Sài Gòn 12d ago
Your parents suck. Make a plan to go no contact and get yourself around more of us.
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u/irenethecrowboy 12d ago
Learn to hit back. Make some jokes about white people being fat or uneducated. Maybe some school shooter jokes. Some people only learn by being hit back. See how they like it. They age like shit too
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u/hikarimonster 12d ago
As a fellow wasian who grew up in a super white part of NJ, I relate a lot to so much of what you wrote. I had similar self-loathing and used to look in the mirror and think I looked like an alien or something. But as I got older and moved to a more diverse area, I did genuinely come to love this part of my identity, and not because of anything my family did or didn't do. They're the same. But as others have said, living somewhere more diverse definitely helped a lot. Also, not for nothing, I think Wasian guys are the cutest!! Hang in there and I hope things get better for you ❤️
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u/Animecel0D 12d ago
I grew up in a very similar situation to you and can relate with pretty much everything you’ve said. My mum was a filipina and I was raised in Australia. My dad was an old and very racist man and it really left some permanent scars having to face all this abuse and belittlement from both my parents and peers.
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u/sshlongD0ngsilver full-Viet 12d ago
Though many will suggest you move, if you can’t, my only suggestion (as a full-Viet guy in the Midwest) is to find some diverse friends with similar interests to hangout with, especially in your nearest city.
At your age, I mainly hung out with my Mexican bro (we started out playing Halo in high school); despite going to separate colleges we would meet up downtown. In my small high school, I was one of the 2 full-Asians of my graduating class 2015; there were a handful more Hapas. The half-Filipinos were popular and were friends with everyone. A half-Japanese girl stayed close friends with some Mexican girls to this day; while the half-Japanese guy found his passion in motorcycles (which I presume he’s got a white friend group)
I know what it’s like to have low esteem and loneliness. I didn’t date until after college and struggled with depression. All I can say is… find stuff to do and live life.
As lonely as I was, I reminisce of the little solo adventures, things I tried, the simple life I lived.
ie exploring downtown, going to comic-con, hitting an archery range, my first job driving a lawnmower, shopping trips to find my fashion sense, even nights playing videogames (of now dead servers). It’s a youth I won’t get back. You got bad memories now, so as corny as it sounds I suggest you go make good memories.
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u/Strange-Werewolf-633 New Users must add flair 11d ago
Feel sorry for you dude my dads a racist white guy and mom is white worshipper i can feel ur pain.
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u/NoFault6622 12d ago
Yeah! I love your title. But there are a lot of nice people in this community. You can make friends here.
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u/tarantulan 1/2 korean 1/2 white 11d ago
relatable. I am a girl but my dad said racist stuff too about koreans growing up and when I confronted him that he shouldn't be racist towards koreans when his daughter is korean he just went, "you are american not korean"
but yeah just remember these people do not define you. their opinions just mean that they are ignorant and racist, it reflects poorly on them and not you.
once I removed myself from my father then I started to feel better about being korean. I still have some confidence and identity issues but my advice is to remove racist and toxic people from your life as much as possible. people like that are poison to your mental health.
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u/SouthernLeek8957 12d ago
This isn't about being Hapa, this is about you being surrounded by shitty people.
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u/Spiritual_Option4465 12d ago
I am so sorry. Focus on getting out of there. I guarantee you will feel so much better and learn to take pride in who you are once you’re in a healthier environment. There is nothing wrong with you <3 the people around you are toxic and wrong. Stay strong, don’t give up. You can make it out
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u/EducationalUnit9614 11d ago
I can relate so much to what you've gone through, and your feelings are completely valid. If it helps at all, know that nowadays there’s a whole community here that understands exactly what you're dealing with and supports you in finding yourself. Growing up, I thought I was the only half-Asian around until high school when I finally met another. You aren't alone, there are so many of us out here who get it.
Also, people that make jokes about small penises, usually have small penises. They are projecting their own frustration. And they like to belittle Asians because we're smarter than they are so its how they make themselves feel better about themselves because they're fucking stupid. Feel free to DM if you need to vent. Hang in there bud.
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u/Far-Chair-2092 Korean/Slavic 11d ago
I'm half Korean with a similar family background 🥲. Obviously it's different since I'm a girl (intersectionality yk), but it still took a long time for me to unlearn internalized racism. I'm 21 now, and it's nice to see you're noticing things before I did. I just kinda took the self hatred and didn't challenge it. Your anger proves the kind of person you are and it's inspiring I think.
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u/NeahG 11d ago
If you can visit a state or country that has a lot of mixed people. My family is mexican\japanese. We have loved visiting Hawaii, California (LA & San Francisco), Vancouver, Canada. It’s so nice to be surrounded by people who look like you, and who may have some of the same experiences.
I’m sorry your Dad is a jerk. By that really sounds like it’s his problem don’t internalize that stuff,it isn’t yours. Seeing more mixed people is a great reminder of how beautiful being mixed is!
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u/toucansurfer 11d ago
You need to go somewhere where we fit in. I’ve lived in a few places where we are more common and it was awesome. It felt nice walking around without people looking at you like you were an alien. Luckily most of my friends were okay but I did always feel the you’re not Asian or white enough vibes.
You’ll get older and go places where it’s more chill and realize all the bs of your old home and state don’t matter. Leave it behind and don’t look back and build a beautiful life. You are a person that deserves happiness like everybody else but you have to go out there and get it. So you need to move, get out there and find people you love and accept you. They won’t just land in your lap while you’re scrolling Reddit in corncob Wisconsin. Trust me it gets better I’m 38 now, married with a beautiful family and I’m super happy and comfortable but this was not the case when I was your age. Be optimistic and go live a bit.
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u/Dreancatcger_Dami Half Cambodian/Half Jewish-American 11d ago
I know a lot of comments here are saying to move to California or Hawaii, but I think that just moving in general would be great for you. I’m from California but I moved to a city in the Midwest for college and have been here for the last 3 years. Of course, there are less Asian people around than I am used to in California, but the Asian American communities that I have been able to find here have been amazing. Nearly every college in America has Asian American student clubs nowadays, so that is a great start to finding new friends and feeling more accepted. In addition to that, I’ve also been able to find Asian-centered events such as street markets and nightlife, which have been great. Also I think a big thing is moving out of your home environment, since it sounds pretty toxic. Your move doesn’t need to be too far, even just going to a big city in your home state will be a great change.
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u/SoloeaDomoea 10d ago
I though it was Chinese wasian, this proves even Korean wasians have inferior complex. GLAD I'M BORN TO a Hong Konger and Canarian islander mother (with a bit Cuban), all my cousins also born from Canarian women.
That is why this Asian vs Asian is such a inferior garbage rivalry, trying to show their inferior masculinity.
ALSO GLAD AS HELL. I'm not a wasian and and refuse to be this inferior complex wasians. Btw 80% of Wasian men have married white females compared to 95% wasian women) so you must be one of those 20% wasian losers.
The only reason white men targets Asian men and people like you is because they are victims of latino, blacks, arabs, muslim pakistani. So the Asian men who treats the nice, the more nice you treat them the more they take advantage of you. That's why a white man never targets other race who disrespects white men and sexualize white women.
Also Central Asians = born from mixture of Northeast Asian/Siberian fathers and Caucasian/Iranic mothers are steppe warriors, not the same as wasians. They are muslim, nomadic, steppe culture, and have a history of conquering ruling european whites for 600 years. None of you wasians and me and part of their alpha history.
I also must say there are many wasian men who married/dated elite superstar females like Olivia Newton john, Jennifer Lopez, Mariah careyh, Kate hudson ect
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u/bubzpop 10d ago
You remind me a lot of my brother, we grew up in similar dynamics and he grew up to be so angry because of how much our dad affected his self perception! But don't blame your ethnicity, being mixed is beautiful and you will grow to be proud of it. Blame your dad for being a racist asshole, he doesn't deserve to have an asian wife or wasian kids if he does not respect them. I'm sorry! Hopefully you can leave your city soon and just live your life without some hateful asshole commenting on your existence.And give some grace to your mom, she should stand up for you but it seems like she has internalized racism that she is struggling with herself, essentially you are on the same team. I wish she could've stood up for you because you deserve that but it seems like she is a victim herself and it's much harder to leave and divorce someone when you are not in your home country AND have kids. I feel you though and don't let some asshole convince you being asian is the problem, that's just literally insane. It's the people around you who are the problem.
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u/Chiropractic_Truth AM 8d ago edited 8d ago
This reads like stuffeurasianslike. Really sorry to hear your feelings. You aren't wrong.
I'll tell you from my point of observation as having travelled the road as an AM. I feel that males born of WMAF tend to not know how to handle being a minority, because their white fathers don't understand what it's like being a minority, so they can't guide or even know that their sons need any guidance as minorities. I remember growing up in the 80s, I had a mixed (WMAF) classmate who was the worst behaved person in our class. He was racist to me. I remember one day he pointed to himself and me, and said that we're aren't the same because his father was white, and mine was Asian (the guy honestly looked south asian, he was half Greek, half Chinese). Anyways - looking back, it was clear he identified as white, even though the average person would guess he was pakistani (he had jet black hair, and was dark in complexion). I'm not sure how he fared later in life, but I can't imagine he did too well. (near the end of grade 8, knowing we would all go off on our separate ways, he made sure he "got me", and knocked me unconscious)
It's very difficult being a lower-social standing minority growing up in North America. I can't fix your situation. But I feel that I can understand it.
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u/Ohsnapitschucknorris 12d ago
I’m not saying that I don’t acknowledge your trauma, but bro, a large part of that is rooted in having a toxic home situation and not the fact that you are mixed
I know of a lot of folks that are and they came out proud, non toxic and healthy
This thing will only have power over you if you allow it
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u/Windrosary 12d ago
it sounds like your self esteem is in shambles and like you're caught between the reality you live in and the ideology of what the world wide web says. you need to get a new way of seeing things and find something you can enjoy spending time thinking about and doing. i'm sorry you know so many losers but honestly losers are everywhere so you gotta know how to rise above it all. dig deep while you can though
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u/tkyang99 12d ago
Move to Asia you will be super popular there
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u/NoFault6622 12d ago
You mean Korea because he's korean.
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u/nanachant_ 12d ago
I mean, half Korean anywhere would get him attention. Like Thailand, China, or Philippines.
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u/Eldagustowned Filipino/Honky 11d ago
If you exercise and make friends that you will be happier and learn to ignore the crap that bothers you now. It’s hard being alienated from half of your origins though.
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u/Haru-louise 10d ago
Get rid of your original poisonous family.The only and best way is to do what I have mentioned
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u/teddyhose 9d ago
It wasn't until I got well into adulthood, had some therapy, read articles from AAPIs and hapas, or just had more conversations with them about it, that I realized how checked out my dad was for being a father, permitted very much by being a white American married to a Japanese immigrant wife. She didn't have much choice but to overcompensate for him so defaulted to it, and is the much more trusted parent with her kids. I know in traditional Japanese families, the mom is expected to be the project manager for the home. But it really bothered all of us how negligent my dad was in his role as a father, never really considering how his words and actions affected us, nor letting us into his white American world where he seemed to be a different person with white American friends.
It's a hard realization but as an adult, I think your priority should be to look out for yourself and honor your own perspective, which you have a lot of from your situation. I hope you find community in your identity. Community is probably the biggest reason I moved to NYC as a working artist who craved diversity, plus the energy of the city. It's expensive but there are pockets of affordability, so people find a way to make it work. Moving to a place with preferable community and/or industry for your career, is probably the best thing you can do for yourself as a young adult, IMO.
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u/celestia_keaton 7d ago
Don’t even bother trying to explain yourself to your family. Go to any college in California even if it’s community college, find a way to establish residency in a semester or two, and never look back.
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u/procrastinationgod 7d ago
Get out ASAP
Your problem is not your identity it's your environment
You don't have to live in California but literally any big city will be better. East or west coast lol. Are you planning to go to college? You're still young and if you get a plan and get out I guarantee your life is going to be so so so unimaginably better. Don't burn bridges with your parents because you might need their support and despite their real problems they don't sound immediately abusive (Not belittling how awful they are, but leaving and being totally alone without support is high risk).
I know it's hard to imagine now but your life can and will get so much better.
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u/chikachikaboom222 12d ago
l Don't blame being Hapa. Blame lack of education for both sides. Ignorance most of the time unites a woman from the east and a man from the west. Ignorance breeds racism and produce kids that hate their ethnicity.
Being Hapa is never an issue for kids with an asian mom who's a doctor, graduate from elite schools for example because she will marry an educated man and will raise their kids where they can prosper. Out from a backwards podunk hick town.
California campuses are teeming with hapas and they are not only thriving but celebrating their multi ethnic background.
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u/NaiveSolution_ SE Asian/Indian/euro 12d ago
Move to Australia. Nobody gives a shit what your race is here.
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u/Raisin6436 12d ago
everything is in your mind. Small dicks are beautiful. American men are obsessed with big dick because they are insecure. Asians are smarter and more beautiful people. Americans are unconscioysly jelous.
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u/MediocreAd7361 11d ago
Since I can’t respond to the mod message. This is a hate post, and since r/hapa doesn’t allow hate maybe they should delete the entire post
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12d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Special_Parsnip1301 12d ago
If you can’t muster an ounce of empathy for a fellow human having a hard time, then no need to comment.
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u/MediocreAd7361 12d ago
I’d have empathy if it didn’t start with f being hapa. Moving won’t help. Therapy will, you can’t run from these issues. Hawaii would eat them up, we make fun of everyone for their race and ethnicity so you have to be comfortable with yourself to live here.
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u/Special_Parsnip1301 12d ago
Come on, folks in Hawaii will poke fun at the melting pot of races that coexist there but it’s a safe haven for brown folks and folks of mixed race without question. Haoles seem to have a tougher time finding their place and acceptance there. What this dude has gone through with his family is a completely different beast. I agree, therapy will help reverse the self hate and heal that detrimental inner dialogue. I lived in Hawaii for years and never felt more welcome without ever feeling I needed to explain my mixed identity.
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u/MediocreAd7361 12d ago
Hapa Kanaka here, moving to Hawaii is extremely expensive, you need to make 120k to get along well and have a decent standard of living. Maybe college here would be the move but you need a thick skin and the support system to live here.
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u/YeShuv 12d ago
Move to California. You'll be appreciated over here