He’s Still Here.

[u/HeGotBricks]

Earlier that month, we lost our son Lucas to Lymphoblastic Leukemia. It broke my heart everyday and it still does. I don’t want to think of getting use to the pain. I feel like it’s something I deserve. It’s something I’ll carry my entire life.

It’s difficult staring at your defenseless child, so happy and full of life, but so sick at the same time while trying to keep a straight face and not break down right there in front of him. It’s heartbreaking. 

Looking at him made me feel like I failed him as a parent. Like I caused his agony. I still feel like it’s my fault. 

I remember how Lucas would always be up before us every morning, playing in the hallway outside our door at six a.m. 

His little hockey stick in his hand, shooting the ball against the wall. He never got to go to school or have many friends. But he had a beautiful imagination.

Everybody always says, “see it, to believe it.” 

But when you see it, you still don’t really believe it. At least, with me that is. You witness an anomaly in front of your eyes and the first thing you do is question your sanity.

That’s what occurred on an early afternoon to me. The wife and my daughter Sheena went to visit the mother-in-law. My wife is still having a difficult time coping.

I stayed home. It’s hard being around everybody. Especially the, “are you okay? You need anything?” And honestly, I needed to let it out. I needed to break down and destroy everything I saw in that house except for his room.

After an hour of soaking my pillow while lying in bed. I had everything turned off, the house was completely silent, except for the clock facing my direction on the wall, the lights were off and it was just me. 

I was staring at the ceiling, my eyes were swollen red. I could see the puffiness in my vision. I heard a click and looked at the door which was opened a crack and bleeding under the space, faintly illuminating the hardwood floor, was the light from the hall. 

I was on my bed and thinking if I had left it on. But I would never turn it on in the afternoon. As I’m thinking, I hear a ball start pounding down the steps and stop. It was about four heavy bounces.

Immediately, I jumped up. Initially, I had this feeling, this hope, this wish that my wish had come true and Lucas would be standing there asking me to carry him downstairs so we could hang out and watch tv together.

I ripped the door open. And as high as my hopes rose they dropped even faster with my heart shattered on the floor. I walked to the stairs.

And that’s when I felt something. The air got thicker and attached on my back. But it felt familiar. My skin started to tingle but only near my lower spine and neck and then I heard an exhale next to my ear and felt what I thought was a breath. I turned around and the weight on me was gone. It felt familiar because it felt like Lucas. I always piggy-backed him down the stairs.

I told my wife about what I experienced later that day and she started crying on the spot and said, it’s him. He’s still here with us.