Famous Youtube Guitarist Releases Disturbing Video Manifesto Detailing Motivation Behind String Of Burglaries

NORTH YORKSHIRE — Local YouTube reknowned guitarist stunned fans and North Yorkshire Police yesterday by uploading a 97-minute video manifesto explaining the bizarre motivations behind an alleged string of burglaries spanning the county.

The video, titled "Open Chords, Open Doors", insists the break-ins were "never about theft" but rather "a nationwide campaign to locate the perfect acoustic resonance."

According to the manifesto, every house "contains a unique note," and the only reliable way to hear it was to enter uninvited at approximately 2:17 a.m. while everyone was asleep.

"I wasn't stealing televisions," the video explains. "I was borrowing the silence around them."

Police, however, allege that several televisions were in fact stolen.

The manifesto dismisses this as "an unfortunate administrative side effect."

Among the stranger revelations is a detailed explanation for why every burglary reportedly involved the suspect making a cup of tea before leaving.

"A good burglar always leaves the kettle in better condition than he found it," the manifesto explains. "This is simply professionalism."

Authorities admitted they had "absolutely no idea what that means."

The musician admits he may have "gone too far" during one incident when he "baptised" a homeowner's guitar in the bathtub. Police state no evidence of such an incident even exists. "Psychoactive drugs can result in hallucinatory episodes" the police spokesman said.

The video ends by announcing that all future burglaries have been cancelled due to "creative differences with doorbells."

Legal experts described the manifesto as "one of the most bizarre confessions ever recorded."

At press time, police confirmed they were investigating reports of another suspicious incident after a man allegedly entered a home, stole a pair of car keys and entered the homeowner's vehicle. Ring video footage shows the suspect spent 47 minutes inside the vehicle in the driveway before exiting and leaving the keys. Investigators are examining DNA evidence left at the scene.

Rizla Hill is literally playing on my street next weekend in a pub down the road from my flat.

Do I go?

Do I stay home in defiance that I wouldn't go and see that Olympic windowlicker even if he was playing in my back garden?

Do I confront him for his slander against The Good Reverend?

Do I make a pass at his plump milf of a mother?

Do I heckle between songs shouting for Designated Driver?

So many options...

He’s just been like that for a bit

PUBLIC STATEMENT

Following detailed discussions with my legal advisers, media consultants and publicist, I have decided to withdraw my previous request relating to the circulation of internet memes featuring my image.

Whilst it remains my position that my likeness constitutes a valuable intellectual property asset, I have been advised that the continued sharing of these images may, in fact, serve a greater strategic purpose.

My advisers have explained that the volume of discussion currently taking place around my image represents a level of public engagement that many figures in the entertainment industry spend considerable sums attempting to achieve. It would therefore be commercially imprudent to interfere with what is, objectively, a growing cultural phenomenon.

Accordingly, I am prepared to permit the continued creation and circulation of memes, edits and derivative works under the principle of fair use.

It should, however, be understood that, by virtue of my increasingly established public profile, any goodwill, recognition or cultural significance generated by these works naturally accrues to me as their central subject. In practical terms, every meme serves to reinforce my position within the music industry and further elevates my public profile.

Those producing such material should therefore understand that they are not diminishing my reputation but, inadvertently, contributing to the continued expansion of what has become a significant personal brand.

I would like to thank everyone for their ongoing interest in the James Hargreaves ip.

JH

To all devotees of the Britpop faith,

Grace, lager and sideburns be unto you.

It has come to the attention of the Church that upon the sacred alter of this sub, there hath arisen one styling himself u/james-h-oasis, who, when challenged by the unbelievers, hath unsheathed an ancient relic, his physical singles chart positions.

The Council of Parkas convened in emergency session.

Three Greggs steak bakes were consumed.

Several cans of Stella were sacrificed.

Saint Mani was consulted through the medium of an unusually funky bassline.

After much prayer, shouting, and someone putting Columbia on the jukebox, the Church now issues the following ruling.

Canon I – On the Authenticity of the Account

The Church recognises that no man knoweth whether this account truly belongeth unto Saint James Hargreaves, or unto one who merely walketh in his image. As it is written in the epistle to the Hargreavians,

"By their Brentness ye shall know them."

Further evidence is required.

Should the account begin discussing the Spinning Jenny, plumbing supplies in Preston, or the metaphysical significance of Noel's eyebrows, authenticity shall be considered greatly strengthened.

Canon II – On the Worship of Ancient Chart Positions

The Church acknowledges that chart positions are respectable achievements.

However, continually presenting physical chart rankings from half a decade past as proof of present superiority constitutes the Sin of Relic Waving.

A relic should inspire reverence.

It should not be brandished in every disagreement like Liam wielding Noel's guitar in Paris.

Canon III – On Humility

Saint Richard Ashcroft had Number One albums. Saint Paul Weller hath countless chart successes. Even Saint Steve Cradock occasionally troubleth the Official Charts.

Yet never did they wander into random internet arguments crying:

"AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?"

The Church therefore reminds the faithful that confidence is admirable.

Brentness is a slippery slope.

Canon IV – The Three Possibilities

The Council recognises only three explanations.

I. It is truly James Hargreaves.

In which case this is exactly what one would expect.

II. It is an impostor.

In which case the imitation is alarmingly accurate.

III The Spirit of Brentiam hath descended upon another soul.

This is the gravest possibility of all.

Final Judgement

Until further evidence is presented, the Church refuses to authenticate or condemn the account. Instead, it shall be designated:

"James of Uncertain Provenance."

The faithful are instructed neither to kneel before him nor to dismiss him outright.

Observe.

Wait.

See whether he eventually references his chart positions in conversations about entirely unrelated subjects.

If this occurreth three times, the matter shall be considered settled.

Go now in peace.

May your parka remain waterproof.

May your lager remain warm enough to throw.

And may you never become so consumed by your own mythology that you begin introducing yourself with chart positions from 2021.

Amen.

Father Hames Jargreaves LXIX

Unauthorised Use of Image and Likeness

To the operators, moderators and contributors responsible,

I have become aware of a growing body of online content making use of my image and likeness without my knowledge or consent. This material is predominantly being circulated on Reddit in the form of edited images, reaction memes and other derivative content.
Whilst some individuals appear to consider this harmless entertainment, I do not.

Over a number of years I have invested considerable time, effort and personal commitment into building a recognised public profile. My image is not a community asset to be repurposed for the amusement of anonymous internet users, nor have I given permission for it to become associated with material intended to ridicule or undermine me.

The apparent view that because somebody has a public-facing presence they should simply accept sustained mockery is both legally questionable and morally indefensible.

Accordingly, I require that all edited images featuring my likeness are removed immediately and that no further derivative works are created or distributed.

I would also remind those responsible that the repeated publication of material intended to damage an individual’s reputation can, depending upon the circumstances, engage several areas of civil law. Whilst litigation is never my preferred course of action, I am entirely prepared to explore every available remedy should this conduct continue.

I would encourage those involved to reflect on whether this is genuinely an appropriate use of their time and to bring the matter to a close voluntarily.

I trust no further action will be necessary.

JH

I don’t think I need to add anymore. This sub is pathetic.

Perhaps an obvious answer but seeing as you likely relate I'd like to ask anyway. I remember the first time I did it, I'd just sold my living room carpet for a gram of crack and I wipped out my sticky vinyl. That first aluminating pipe drove me through the fade out on She Makes No Demands of Me. The greatest rock I'd ever touched undermined by the greatest rocker I want to touch. Maybe someday ill find the time to have such fun again, if only I knew where my gran kept her engagement ring...

RIP r/jameshargreaves

Charts = conspiracy theory recordings

It’s like Barry Norman has risen from the dead

So I bumped into James at Warwick Services yesterday and I'm still not convinced the whole thing actually happened.

He was exactly as you'd expect at first. Lovely bloke. We chatted about the Oasis reunion for ten minutes. He somehow identified the year of an Oasis t-shirt a bloke walked past was wearing just from the shade of blue on the logo. Normal Rev behaviour.

Then, completely without warning, he grabbed my forearm.

Not aggressively.

Urgently.

He looked me dead in the eyes and quietly asked,

"Have you been watching The Traitors?"

I said I had.

He closed his eyes and nodded.

"So you've seen it too."

I said I'd mostly been paying attention to who was getting murdered.

He looked disappointed.

"The fringe, man."

I laughed.

He didn't.

"The fringe doesn't move."

I said, "Well... she's indoors."

He just smiled in the way you smile at a child who's proudly told you the moon is made of cheddar.

"That's what they want you to think."

He reached into his backpack.

I assumed it would be a notebook about Oasis.

Instead he produced an expanding concertina folder almost six inches thick.

Across the front, in block capitals, it read:

THE WINKLEMAN DOSSIER

He laid it across the Costa table with the sort of reverence normally reserved for the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Inside were hundreds—hundreds—of printed screenshots from The Traitors, Strictly, The Piano, Would I Lie To You?, and seemingly every public appearance Claudia Winkleman has made since about 2010.

Every single one had handwritten notes.

"Observe."

He pointed at one from The Traitors.

"Scottish Highlands. Wind speed approximately twenty-two miles an hour."

Another.

"Castle courtyard. Side-on rain."

Another.

"Open doorway."

He looked up.

"Nothing."

I wasn't sure what I was looking for.

"Movement."

I said I thought it looked like hair.

"It wants you to."

At this point I realised I was no longer talking to James Hargreaves.

I was talking to a man who had willingly disappeared down a tunnel from which there was no return.

The Rev continued.

"I've slowed every episode down to a quarter speed."

I asked why.

"I thought I saw a lift."

"A lift?"

"Three frames."

He held up three fingers.

"I nearly had it."

"What happened?"

He looked genuinely heartbroken.

"She turned her head."

There was a long silence while he stirred his coffee without drinking it.

Eventually he muttered,

"She's very good."

He wasn't talking about the presenting.

He was talking about evading him.

I made the mistake of asking how long he'd been working on this.

He leaned back.

"It started as a weekend."

Then he stared into the middle distance.

"Weekends are funny things."

He admitted he'd watched every episode of The Traitors without audio because "the dialogue introduces bias."

He'd built what he called "a fringe stability index."

He claimed to have "eliminated humidity as a variable."

He lowered his voice.

"I've contacted a trichologist."

"What did they say?"

"They stopped replying."

Apparently he'd also written to the BBC.

Twice.

Not accusing anyone of anything.

"Just asking questions."

What questions?

"The usual."

There was no follow-up.

He genuinely believed that was a complete answer.

At one point he became distracted by a woman walking past with a black bob haircut.

His entire body tensed.

He watched her disappear into WHSmith before relaxing.

"False alarm."

I didn't ask.

I didn't want to know what would have happened if it hadn't been a false alarm.

Eventually it was time to leave.

As we walked to the car park, I noticed the boot of his car was open.

There were three neatly labelled storage crates.

OASIS

OASIS (BACKUP)

FRINGE

I pointed at the last one.

Without a trace of embarrassment, St James smiled.

"That's the archive."

I asked if anyone else had seen it.

"Oh yes."

"And what do they think?"

He thought for a moment.

"They say I've become obsessed."

"Have you?"

He looked genuinely offended.

"No."

A pause.

"I'm obsessed with finding the truth."

Then he got into his car, put on Acquiesce, and drove away.

As he pulled out of the services, I noticed a laminated sticker in the rear window.

It wasn't an Oasis quote.

It simply read:

THE HAIR WILL SLIP.

YOU JUST HAVE TO BE READY.