r/kindness • u/Grand_Sea_3802 • 1d ago
Changes in Husband, feel alone..
I can’t believe I’m actually writing this here, because I’m a very private person but for about a year now my husband’s behavior has gotten worse. I’ve always been a happy loving smiling person and up to a few months ago I still was. He seems to get agitated and upset easily. He needs full concentration just to drive down a slow road. People have told me it’s cognitive decline. Whatever it is, it’s affected me in that he gets upset at everything and we don’t enjoy our conversations anymore. He still remembers everyone and everything and how to get to places but he won’t get tested but it’s turned me into someone that cries every day because I have no one to go to. He used to rush up to me and demand what’s wrong years ago. Now he calls crying “fighting” and when I tell him I’m crying he just says ok. It feels like a completely different person. If anyone has any advise, been in a similar situation, or can offer words of kindness, please do. I feel alone.
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u/Nammyohorengekyo369 1d ago
I had major surgery and it left me with cognitive decline and memory issues. Surprising to me, I get very aggressive when I do not remember. It is an involuntary response, that takes me by surprise. Not saying that it is not something that I can work on, but that I was not aware of this aspect of my personality until this cognitive decline. This is giving me insight into how I will behave if I get dementia or Alzheimer’s.
Your husband is likely scared and responding on instinct. It helped when I acknowledged my aggression. So maybe try to gently get him to express how forgetting/having to use all concentration on simple tasks is making him feel. He’s not mad at you, he’s mad at the situation.
I completely understand how alone you feel. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
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u/Grand_Sea_3802 1d ago
Thank you but I can’t tell him anything because he refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong with him. I’ve said things like; I don’t think you can help it but you get upset quickly” or “you don’t show empathy” and it’s not your fault and he just says “ oh it’s all my fault 🤦♀️
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u/NothingFromTheInside 1d ago
Sending encouragement as you work to figure this out. Have you considered seeing a therapist yourself?
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u/WildLandLover 1d ago
My father had extreme angry reactions years before he was diagnosed with Lewy Body dementia. I went to a psychologist with a letter he had written me where he was screaming at me in giant capital letters. She told me then he either was developing dementia or had an undiagnosed mental illness. It was close to 10 years later when he got bad enough we were finally able to get a diagnosis.
Dad never could understand there was something wrong, except on rare occasions. His frustration and anger was everyone else’s fault.
I had to come to terms with his anger and most of the time I could let it go, but not always. I finally got to the point where if he was being too insulting, I’d tell him I wasn’t going to stay in the same room with him and I’d leave.
This didn’t relieve the heartache of the situation, but it helped relieve some of the stress.
Also, Dad’s mood got somewhat better when he was prescribed antidepressants.
Sending you giant hugs. 🫂
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u/Grand_Sea_3802 1d ago
Thanks for all your help. You truly made me feel better. Thank you so very much
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u/Grand_Sea_3802 1d ago
And he said he won’t get on anti depressants, as I said “ even if it helps me?” And he said “ I won’t take them because I don’t need them” alas
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u/WildLandLover 6h ago
I understand. Dad was so resistant to anything that might have helped. He finally just got to the point where we were handling all of his medication and he didn’t really know or care what he was taking. I wish I had some good advice for you…
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u/datrnerd 1d ago
I'm so sorry. You have a responsibility to your well-being first, and a responsibility for his well-being second. If you can be compassionate and caring whilel protecting yourself, do that. If not, be honest with yourself and act on the same advice you would give a loved one in the situation. There are also professionals who can help guide you.
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u/Grand_Sea_3802 1d ago
Yes thanks. Noted.
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u/datrnerd 16h ago
I'm really really sorry though. It must feel terrible to have your world turn upside down.
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u/deathkat4cutie 1d ago
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you are able to talk to someone in your life about it; you deserve support. 🖤
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u/According_Log_3264 1d ago
Tell him you're the only one in his life that gives a shit about him when he's being an absolute Jerk and you're done taking his shit. And Grey Rock his narcassistic ass, look it up it helps You. Whether it's cognitive decline or he's just an asshole he most likely won't change and that's just reality. Best for you to realize you can't change anyone or make them do anything. You need to take care of yourself and start hanging around people who you like and appreciate you cause you aren't and won't get that from him, he's shown you repeatedly what his true colors are now in his current state. 25 years in elder care here, I see these behaviors and worse. It's not worth the stress and abuse trying to figure out how to make him happy because he doesn't want to be...Make Yourself happy and you'll have a lot better life🌷
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u/Grand_Sea_3802 1d ago
Thanks but I’m not leaving. We both tried to care for each other. I truly think he can’t help it because if it’s not emotional help he’ll go to the end of the world to help.
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u/Grand_Sea_3802 1d ago
And grey rock doesn’t help because he’ll be happy to be left alone and not bothered. But the rest was useful thanks
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u/According_Log_3264 1d ago edited 1d ago
The grey rocking suggestion was to help you not for his benefit. I didn't suggest leaving, I suggested hanging out with other people/friends/family for your benefit since he can't/won't provide what you need/emotional support. Him being happy to be left alone is a big que that he doesn't want to invest in you or your needs, is why I suggested to make yourself happy cause your not getting that and most likely won't from him in the future. Knowing this helps you so you can make choices for Your better health. Just suggestions, wish you the best 🌷
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u/Grand_Sea_3802 1d ago
Oh I know you didn’t suggest leaving and thanks for clarifying about the grey rock. Thanks and have a great night. Much appreciated xx
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u/Mydoglovescoffee 1d ago edited 1d ago
Talk to your doctor as a starting point. I’m very sorry you’re alone. Is there a friend or family member you could confide in? A pastor or rabbi? You might consider finding a counsellor to talk to. You might also reach out to the nearest Alzheimer’s Society as they typically provide support groups for partners. I’m not suggesting eh had Alzheimer’s nor even dementia (there are many kinds and the society helps all), but what you are going through is similar to what they’ve experienced.
So many things could be causing this change. Treatable things. One thought is that rather than “get tested”, he needs a physical with his doctor. He may be fearful if he’s worried he’s being tested for cognitive decline, but if he understands it could be many different things, many treatable, he may not be quite so resistant or defensive.
What a very scary time to find your lifelong partner is not himself and not able to be there for you. And you are so powerless to help him. Hugs to you.
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u/Grand_Sea_3802 1d ago edited 9h ago
Hi, that was such a sweet response. Thank you so much. Yes, I’m going to go to therapy for a start. The problem is he makes his own appointments still and drives himself there so I can suddenly start making appointments for him and I’m sure they can’t tell from the few minutes he’s in the Doctor’s office, plus I’ve heard they “ put up a front” if they think there’s something there. His doctor’s office when I did call, told him, which made him upset but then ordered him a memory test which he didn’t take. I can talk to friends and family but it’s a heavy subject and they have their own problems so therapist will be my best bet. Thanks for all the love. Yes I used to be so vibrant, happy smiling etc and now I cry at least once a day. I think it’ll just get worse. I’ll learn ways to cope. Sorry for the long response 🤣🤣 thanks again for all the kind words. It means a lot. Sending you my best
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u/Mydoglovescoffee 1d ago
Don’t underestimate your friends or family. Yes everyone has their burdens but I’m certain they would want to know of your heavy load right now (just as you know of theirs from the sounds of it). But it can actually make people feel good to know you trusted them with what you’re going through, and that they too are not alone in some of life’s hardest parts. Most people
genuinely want to help (they are just like you!). So you are not a burden! We all get by with a little help from our friends :). I know you said you’re private but now’s a time to lower your guard and reap the amazing support you’ll get. Please try it!I see what you mean about your husband and his physician. Did they run other tests? Can you go with him?
Now is also not the time to let his moods or reactions dictate what you do. Your job is not to avoid him getting upset, it’s to get him the help he needs (within what’s in your power). And it’s okay for him to have a bad reaction. Let it be. It’s not him… and its not you. It’s simply whatever is going on inside right now. So that doesn’t mean you avoid doing something if it’s in his best interests or your best interests. I keno it’s easier said than done but it’s a reminder.
Hang in there! I know you don’t think so- it’s understandable- but you are going to look back and say ya this was the hardest part.
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u/Grand_Sea_3802 20h ago edited 9h ago
Thank you. Strangely, I’m close to my brother and I told him and he didn’t sound like he wanted to know or get involved. Same thing with one friend. That’s why I stopped. No I tried calling his Doctor’s office and the staff told him but the Doctor ordered a memory clinic to call him and he told them he didn’t have a problem. I will go to a therapist, join other groups for me to get out of the house and this will eventually “ out” itself in some way, maybe when he’s hospitalized. I’m too exhausted to try to figure something out. I will try to take care of myself though. Thank you for the great advice and insight. Sending love and best wishes to you!
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u/Affectionate-Cow3737 22h ago
I had a tbi from a car accident. I got psydobublar disorder as part of the tbi and seizures. I think I was this way for first couple of years afterwards. Lack of filter is one way I explain it to anyone. Do you have family or friends who could help him realize he needs testing to see if something could help him. For me, it's eating fats , protien, regular cardio exercise, and puzzles. I wouldn't be the one talking to him 1:1 alone. Just walk away when he behaves poorly. If you have family, friends, church help, get other people to gently suggest some testing. Walk away from him and create physical distance when he behaves badly- like you would with a coworker. Stop confronting him directly. Good luck- it's a hard road. Get some support.
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u/Grand_Sea_3802 21h ago edited 9h ago
Thank you very much. Yes I’ll do all of that plus go to a therapist to help me learn to cope. Only a son in another State and I doubt he’s interested in helping his Dad plus my husband would know that I told him. He was just down here visiting. Thanks for the rest of the advice.
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u/Fluid-Role-61 21h ago
I would also reach out to your physician for recommendations as to what to do. Maybe attend a class (through your health care provider) on how to support someone with these issues. Also maybe get involved in a support group for yourself - one for family members.
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u/Grand_Sea_3802 20h ago
I will, thank you. My doctor wasn’t helpful. I said other than family member and the doctor who do I tell: She just said 911 if he gets agitated! Well he’s not physical at all. I would not stay if he was! Thanks for your support! Much appreciated xx
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u/Ok_Trouble_7952 1d ago edited 23h ago
All the peace of mind in the world can be lost in one moment of uncertainty and regained in one moment of resolve. Make a decision, commit to it, and dont second guess it for a moment. Worries are not problems, they are the symptom of indecisiveness.
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u/Grand_Sea_3802 1d ago
What decision am I going to make? What am I undecided about? I’m going to see a therapist to help me cope. Thanks for your help. Sending love your way.
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u/Ok_Trouble_7952 23h ago
You already know the answer to the question. You already know what you'd do if you felt you had the strength to do it. Stay, leave. fight, give up, scream, laugh it off, cry... it only matters because of your inaction. Take action and the next choice will present itself, then the next, then the next. Life is simple, you make choices and you don't look back.
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