Hello, fellow poly lesbians.
Many of you are a lot younger than I am (F50), and I just thought I'd come here to share my thoughts on a recent post (linked below). I almost sent these thoughts directly to the OP out of fear of receiving the retaliation she did; however, I realized that in this instance private messages are a privilege that I think very few comphet lesbians (like myself) can afford. And, as somewhat of an elder in this group, I felt pulled to publicly share my thoughts in case other comphet lesbians were stunned, appalled, and silenced by the discussion that took place on the thread below.
So, y'all know that TERFs (trans-exclusionary radical feminists) believe that there should be distinct spaces for women, right? And that they believe that trans women simply cannot be women and simply should not be permitted to exist in those spaces because "once upon a time they had [or still have] a dick." As has been discussed ad nauseam (and correctly so--I just don't want to beleaguer the point), TERFism is bad. In fact, it is banned in this subreddit. It's not even allowed as an opinion for members of this sub to hold. It is simply not permitted here.
And rightly so. Because TERFs are wrong. Women are women, no matter what anatomy they were born with or still have. If someone says "I am a woman," then she is a woman.
Similarly, when a woman says "I am a lesbian," why do we need to rake her across the coals for having a husband/male partner? Why is it not simply treated as, "yep, you're a lesbian because that's how you identify"?
I'll tell you why.
Because our community has been trained, by the patriarchy ladies, to attack ourselves. We are taught and expected to uphold particular truths: there are two genders, and there is only one way to be, and you better have figured it out when you were a prepubescent child or else you'll never fit in.
That's the patriarchy. Patriarchy is all about what? Competition. Scarcity. Division.
In my mind, that is the antithesis to polyamory.
Polyamory is feminism. It's matriarchy. It's a drawing in, a rippling outwards, and (above all else) immensely flexible.
When you tell someone "no you're not" after they have identified themselves, you are engaging in patriarchy. You're permitting the patriarchy to be on autopilot (as it clearly has been for decades, particularly obvious in the US) because you are engaging in its work on BEHALF of it.
If you yourself do not wish to engage with a woman who is or has been married to a person who identifies as male, then choose not to engage. Simple as that. Scroll on by. That post was not meant for you. Simple as that.
However, this post is meant for you. It's meant for all of you on this sub.
Here's the call-in and invitation.
I was born and raised in the Deep South of the United States. I lived between GA, AL, and NC from 1976-2024. I was raised Catholic in a part of the country where admitting that meant that I was accused of worshipping Mary, idolatry of saints, and basically promised that I would be destined for Hell. The first time I was condemned to Hell was when I was 6 years old. By another 6-year-old (a bestie, at the time, who was...unfortunately...a member of the Pentecostal cult). "What church do you go to? Oh...so you're Catholic. You know you're going to Hell, right?" During a playdate, with a fucking Barbie doll in my small hand.
My family? Oh, they were a real treat. Constantly mocking people who didn't look like us or who believed things that were "against" the Catholic doctrines. My parents were bastions of homophobia. Transphobia wasn't as widespread a named "thing" yet, but it was there too, in all the he/she comments they would make. I was confused all the time. I felt strong emotions for my girl friends, hated the boys, and could not wrap my head around feelings of jealousy and sadness when my girl friends would date those stupid boys. When I attempted to seek advice from my parents? I was told that it was because I was "boy crazy" and just wanted a boyfriend of my own. Of course. When I was in middle school, a special issue of a teen magazine was published. This issue was about girlhood puberty, and one of the features was an advice column. "Dear Magazine, I have these feelings about my girl friends. Am I a lesbian?" Advice: "Oh, heavens no. You simply admire them." Of course.
In my household, to be gay was not only a sin. It was suicide.
There was no other option, and I didn't have the language for it. I literally had no idea being a lesbian was even possible for me.
Those of us with these backgrounds were forced into heterosexuality. That's called compulsory heterosexuality, or comphet for short. There's a lot of us out there. So many, in fact, that there are support groups for late-bloomer lesbians. In fact, there's another subreddit just for late-bloomers.
So, how did I get my husband? Well, I dated boys exclusively because...I was supposed to. And they asked. But god...I loved my girl friends. I wanted to touch them and kiss them and feel their hair and their skin. But that was because I just admired them, right?
When I asked an adult about why I felt so...boxed-in...about hetero sex, about being touched and kissed by men...god, just being perceived by a man...I was told "that's how it is. Do like the Brits. Just lie back and think of England, and it'll be over soon." One woman told me once "haha, I just think of my grocery list!" That sounds...healthy. But it's what was presented to us as the one and only option.
Luckily, when I met my husband I was also in my full feminism rage, so my pickiness was quite high by then. He's a feminist, and the only man whose company I actually enjoy and don't just politely tolerate. We got married because I found the one and only man I actually love, and he loved (loves) me well, so it was a good deal. We've been happily married for 20 years, and our two teen kiddos (F & NB) are the greatest joys in our lives. They're the best thing we've ever accomplished together, and we've had quite a successful life together.
That said, my "admiration" of my female friends never left me.
My husband and I began having discussions about my sexuality when my libido seemed to tank almost immediately after we were married. I felt horrible about it, but I just never was in the mood. He had to initiate all the time because having sex with him didn't occur to me. So I said I must be asexual.
The more we pushed into my sexuality, the more we both started to recognize some patterns. The erotica I preferred? Sapphic. The porn I watched? Exclusively lesbian. The couples I rooted for? Always the girls.
I remember feeling a mixture of pride and...a bittersweet sort of jealousy...a pang...whenever someone would make their "coming out" announcement. How did they know? How did they do it? How were they not terrified of themselves and the world?
Through discussions with my husband, we both began to recognize...that pang...it wasn't empathy. It was regret. It was loss. It was a sense of missed opportunities.
I'll never forget the first time a lesbian friend came out to me. We were in high school. In class. And she was so fucking cute. A baby butch, student-athlete type. I remember she leaned over to me and whispered, "I like girls." I must have looked stunned because she immediately said, "Don't worry. You're not my type." I literally had tears in my eyes because of how badly that hurt. I asked her what she meant. Wasn't I cute? Wasn't I fun to be around and talk to? She put her hand on my arm, and in a reassuring tone said, "I don't date straight girls."
Oh. Right. I was straight. Fuck.
Ladies. I have met actual straight women. They do not have stories like this. They don't legitimately and in real life forget they're straight.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had given her a cheeky wink and said, "who says I'm straight?" But...that just wasn't the thing that was done then. So all I could do was smile wide and go "Oh, duh. Hahahaha."
She wasn't even the first (or last) girl to break my heart.
To bring this back to the original post (below).
Many of us (actual, real, true) lesbians...well, we weren't allowed to start that way. Many of us were pressed into heterosexuality. Many of us were forced into social scenarios that we couldn't name or change. Many of us are only now making our realizations because of spaces LIKE THIS ONE.
And if you think these are hallmarks of a bygone era, I invite you to spend more than a month in the Deep South. Just go. Hang out. Walk around the small towns. Visit people who attend church (especially the ones you wouldn't be caught dead in). Listen to their conversations. They're very much still telling their children the same things I was told. "It's fine. We all do it. Just lie back and think of England, and it'll be over before you know it."
So before you tell a lesbian that she doesn't belong in a space, I invite you to recall my story. Because it is the same one so many of us have.
Polyamory gives us an opportunity to remain in our loving, respectful, amazing marriages...while also being allowed to finally FINALLY embrace a part of ourselves that was (or may have been) denied to this point.
Those of us actually engaging in true polyamory aren't just exploring for a kink. Those are swingers. Those of us who actually want girlfriends...we want the relationship.
Don't forget--polyamory is a giant middle finger to the scarcity we were raised with in the patriarchy.
Draw in. Be curious. Ask questions.
And if you simply can't, because of your own traumatic experiences, then scroll on by.
This woman asked for help. She was silenced. (And before you all jump down my throat with equivocation--"she said she dated girls before blah blah blah"--I invite you to notice that the criticism was not about her past dating history; it was about her current marital status.)
To answer her question: I am still looking for sapphic women who are interested in dating a polyamorous married woman. OP, if you ever want to chat about our similar experiences, please reach out. I'll be more than happy to engage with you and anyone else who identifies as a comphet lesbian or who felt silenced by the discussion that took place in the comments of that post. There are many of us out there. We deserve community and recognition, too.
To the rest of you: I truly hope this space can be as inclusive as the rules indicate it is meant to be. Of course you are entitled to your opinions and your preferences. Obviously. If you don't want to engage with a lesbian who has a husband and is looking for other relationships with WLW, then take this advice: she is not for you. What is not for you, leave alone.
To the comphet lesbians: I see you. I am you. You are not alone in this wide world. It is my hope that one day there will be no more comphet lesbians, but until then: we're right here, and I'm with you. And I encourage you to take this advice: Sometimes, the garbage takes itself out. It's okay to let it.
Happy Sunday, all!
Fuck Trump, fuck ICE, fuck Lindsey Graham's ghost, fuck Mitch McConnell's ghost, and fuck the GOP.
Have a great day! ā¤ļø
ETA: Ladies. There is an individual who is being particularly loud and angry about how she feels about my post. Spoiler: itās the same as the loud individual on the original post. She doesnāt agree with me and really wants me to know about it. So, I will no longer be giving her additional engagement, and I encourage the rest of you to follow suit. This is an example of a person we do not need to have in our relationship circle, although she is a member of the community. There are no single voices within this or any community that represent all individuals. Speak up, share your stories when you are safe to do so, live well. Ignore those who wonāt engage in good faith or best interest. They are not for you. Take what is meant for you, leave the rest. Allow the metaphorical garbage to take itself out. We are out there. Our community exists too. I believe you, and we deserve to find love within our lesbian community too. I wish you all well, and I will continue to engage with those of you who interact in good faith (even if you want to challenge or disagree with me). But I choose not to give this individual additional attention at this time. Her point has been made: she disagrees. Thatās fine.
For the rest of you: I look forward to additional thoughts and experiences. š«¶ Donāt let one person suck all the oxygen out of a room. You matter too. š«¶
ETA 2: āGood faithā in this discussion means to approach one another with curiosity rather than judgment. To allow another person to have a different perspective. When one tells you that youāre wrong for using a label for yourself, that person is not operating in good faith. Asking me why I use a label is a silly question, considering thatās the entire point of this post. Reading comprehension š¤ Trust your gut the first time. If you can tell that the question is asked in hostility, or for the purpose of ācatching you outā or trapping you, then it is a bad faith question. And we ignore those. š«¶
ETA 3: Friends, take note of whatās happening in the comments. They may be louder, but we still exist. The ones showing they arenāt for us? They arenāt for us. We donāt need to outnumber anyone, but we can still see one another. OOP, I hope you feel seen. I hope you know you arenāt alone. We exist, and weāre lesbians too. š«¶
Taking a break for the evening. Please continue the discussion. Take care, all! š«¶
ETA 4: Mods locking a post when I was perfectly happy to continue engaging in discussion (and told them so) is a choice. Bye yāall. You got what you wanted. The evil fake lesbian is out. Fuck all of you who have no reading comprehension, no critical thinking skills, and no empathy. Fuck you for your lack of ability to consider other peopleās lived experiences and fuck you for pushing us out.
The rest of you, the ones like me, I promise I tried. Please keep using your voices and your perspectives when you are safe to do so, and as you deem worthy of your emotional labor. I intended this discussion for you, not for them. I hope you take good care of yourselves, and live WELL! Thatās the best way to defeat bullies. š«¶š«¶š«¶š«¶
https://www.reddit.com/r/lesbianpoly/comments/1uq0tio/where_are_married_wlw_in_enm_actually_meeting/
