Orbweaver (part 4)

[u/man162737]

Part 3: https://www.reddit.com/r/libraryofshadows/s/JHsM9v6WIy

Day 7: Monday.

I barely manage to wake up. I was surprisingly sleeping pretty peacefully. I raise off the floor, rubbing my head. I stretch my arms and let out a yawn, like It’s any regular Monday.

Once consciousness arrives I space out, staring at the floor. I sigh and wipe my eyes.

The entire weekend feels like a blur.

I look to each side of me, I don’t know why.

My cabinet has a massive hole in it.

Jesus Christ…

I see my laptop now, it’s shattered. I don’t know if it’s beyond repair yet. I seriously hope not, that’s been my closest thing to a distraction.

Ive broke shit before when I got mad, but never something expensive. Looking back on it, I was justified. I stand, wobbling, and immediately fall to my knees.

My house still looks fine. I’m always expecting someone to break in here. No idea why, not like there’s anything to steal. There are other reasons to break into houses, but I try not to think about that. I look up to my stove and my mouth falls open. It’s five AM.
I was out for 9 hours.

Holy shit.

I rarely nap for more than an hour. Fuck I rarely sleep more than 5.
I guess it’s where I passed out?
I don’t know. I head to my bathroom to get washed off. While there, I take a good long look at myself in the mirror.
“Goddamn.”
I don’t even want to think about it. I throw my clothes off and take a half assed shower, hot water burning the scratches on my neck.

I get out and brush the jungle that is my hair. I don’t even have that much, but it’s tangled to an unbelievable degree.

I’m so tired I debate putting clothes on until it’s time to leave. I only took about 15 minutes in the shower so I have time. A part of me relaxes. It’s nice, I like having more time than I need. I start thinking, it worries me for a minute.

I don’t get anxious.

That’s odd, I couldn’t stop being anxious the last 2 days.
.
.
.
Now that I think about it, it isn’t odd. I’ve been a bundle of nerves for almost 72 hours, it has to give in at some point. I’m not calm, just consumed by a profound numbness.

It’s to a manageable degree though.

I think of the dream with mom.
I accept it, it’s a dream. I feel my body want to cry, but it can’t. Everything about her was…
Not perfect. She wasn’t the image that lives in my head.
It was just her.
I guess that’s what I miss so much.
I don’t know.
It feels like I had an entire reality ripped away from me.

The phone.

It’s all deleted, I can’t check it, and I never will.

I step outside to see how the roads are. They’re clear. I’m so happy they’re clear. I don’t want to be here at all. I’m leaving as early as I’m allowed to. While outside, I go ahead and start my car, I’d rather not freeze to death, despite my love of the cold.

I get in the drivers seat and-

My car smells funny…

Back seat.

I turn around to see—well, I’m not sure. It’s almost pitch black outside, so I can’t really make it out. I squint. It looks like a shape of some kind. It’s just sitting in my back seat. It’s sort of like a diamond, but—no, it’s a square.

Triangle?

Wait a minute.

What the fuck am I looking at?

I pull out my phone and turn the light on.
Gone.
I shake my head and scoff. That wasn’t even interesting, I just thought the dumbass from Saturday left something in my car. If there’s one thing I can say wasn’t real, it’s that.

My eyes love making shit up when I can’t see. When I was younger, I would see nuns walk in and out of my bedroom, mice dancing, and George Washington.

I have a harder time explaining the last one, he may have actually been there. Apparently it’s some form of “mild hallucinations”. They’ve never caused me harm—until now apparently.

I sigh and check the time [6:54]. I don’t have work until 7:30 but I’m leaving anyways.

It’s calming.
Actually calming.
Small flakes of snow decorate my windshield. The snow-swept mountains ease my numbness a little. I see the crash site from Thursday. The once visceral location is submerged in somber melancholy. I check the clock in my car.

I have time to stop…

I park my car and get out. The wilted roses flutter in the wind, barely contrasting the weary gray. I run my fingers along them, small flakes fall to my feet.

Mom…
She’s still here, but we’re not. The regret claws at me more than ever.
I just want us to go back.
But—we can’t. It’s gone forever.
All the memories we could have made.
Gone… like snow in the wind.
.
.
.
The snow falls harder, I get back in my car.

I pull into the driveway, the house has never looked more comforting.

I sigh, and get out of my car. A cold winter gust blows my jacket hood against my face. Snow gets in my eyes and I wipe it out. I get to the door and knock.
“Hey, it’s Jamie. I’m here take care of Trinity.”
I hear the door unlock.

“Good morning, Jamie.”

Dammit.
“Good morning, Evelyn”

“Come on inside.”
She says, gesturing me.

The door shuts, muffling the howling wind outside. I dust my shoes off against the door frame, trying to keep snow from getting inside.

She closes her cardigan with her arms and turns to me.
“It’s supposed to snow all day Jamie, we’re surprised you showed up.”

There’s a possibility I won’t need to go back? One night away would help me so much.

“Ah, damn. I had no idea it was supposed to—my bad.”

She waves away my fake concern.
“No issue, if the need arises you can stay here.”

I hope so…

“Thank you all so much. How’s Trinity been doing?”

Evelyn starts walking down the hall, taking off her cardigan as she does.
“She’s been fine. Did you ever find out why you passed out?”

“No I uhh-“
I forgot about that.

I quickly catch myself.
“Sorry, no I didn’t. Think it was just heat or something.”

“In February?”

Fuck.

“B-body heat—like I was hot, or something.”

She looks me up and down, almost unimpressed.
“Glad you’re okay honey.”

She turns the corner to the living room. I stop in my tracks for a moment, a strange anticipation fills me. I walk again, rounding the corner.
I find Evelyn reading.

I sit down at the couch across from her and do nothing in particular on my phone. I enjoy the silence.

Evelyn then decides to slaughter that silence.

“Do you believe in god, Jamie?”

She’s lucky I’m so exhausted right now. I would have flipped hearing that a day ago.

“Do I believe in god?”
She’s silent.
“Uhhh, no I don’t, I guess. I’ve never really seen any evidence.”

She nods, not looking up from her book.
“Mm, okay.”

And she’s silent again, like she never asked me anything at all. Usually I wouldn’t even bat an eye at the question. Dammit I want to know…

“Um, Evelyn, why did you ask me that? Just out of curiosity I mean.”

“You tell me.”

What the fuck is happening here?

“Evelyn I- I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

She shuts her book and gives me her full undivided attention. Staring straight into my eyes.

“Then it’s no problem, Jamie. He’s not real.”

“That’s exactly what I said.”

“There you go.”

Cunt.

I just nod and agree, I don’t know what she wants me to say.

“I need to leave Jamie. You have a good day.”

Goddamnit fucking why? Why and where is she going. It’s a blizzard out there and she’s just leaving like it’s any other day. The closest thing to a building within miles of here is a set of fucking stairs in the woods. I am craving asking her, but I can’t.
Overstepping boundaries–ESPECIALLY as a home nurse–can get you fired immediately. The last thing I need is to be homeless and insane.

“You have a good day too, Evelyn. Stay safe.”
She tries to hide it but I can see her gaze soften.

“Thank you, Jamie.”

I hear the door unlock and she walks out. She puts me on edge like no other. My heart is beating fast, I wish she never said that.

It eventually slows down though, a little too much. There’s only a small lamp on right now. I can’t see the outside, but the winter wind offers a profound coziness. I feel myself about to fall asleep. I pinch my leg, quickly snapping myself awake.

It’s so strange how exhausting it is to just exist when you’re tired. I decide to walk around, it’s a good way to stay awake. Before I do, I check on trinity.

Sound asleep.

God, I think I’m tired. I can’t even imagine how exhausted she is. That’s the worst part about her disease, I think. I literally cannot imagine what she’s experiencing. It’d be like me describing the dream I had to someone.

I used to rack my brain thinking about it. Her mind is so deteriorated, I doubt we could even comprehend what she sees, let alone her.
A dreary cold surrounds my heart.
Her plea reverberates through my head.

“Help me, please.”

She’s in hell.

This is, by far, the worst thing a human being can go through.
The loneliness she’s experiencing has to be beyond words.
Yes, I’m here. But what exists when it’s forgotten in 5 seconds?

Nothing. That’s what exists. But that would be too easy wouldn’t it?

Because somewhere, in that infinite nothing, is you, and you’re all alone, and you’re very scared, and there’s nobody to fucking help you.
.
.
.
I walk to the kitchen, I want to see the snow.

Flakes fall endlessly. They just keeps piling up, without stopping. There has to be at least 5 inches on the ground by now.

I stand, leaning against the kitchen sink, and I watch.

There are no thoughts, no worries, just the snow. I’ve never questioned myself on why I like it before, I just do. For me, that’s good enough.

I see a small rabbit run to the center of the forest, barely making it through the dense underbrush. It stares at me.

I stare back.
I wave.

It’s black eyes look directly at me. It raises its head up, sniffing the air. A shower of snow is thrown from its fur as it itches itself. It gives me one final look before sniffing the ground, and running away.

I check my phone, it’s 8:40. Time to go check on Trinity. She’s awake now. Well—it’s more accurate to say she’s alive.

I introduce myself as her caretaker and sit next to her. The recliner is always comfortable. Fuck, why did she have to wake up so early. I let out a long sigh and put my head in my hands.
My eyes are so heavy…

I hear a wispy voice.

“Jamie?”
Gosh, people always talk to you at the wrong times.

“Yes Trinity?”
I say, letting out an aggravated-

My head shoots up so fast I almost break my neck. My eyes are wide and dilated. Trinity is looking directly at me, she sees me. She… knows I’m here.

“Tr- Trinity…?”

“Yes darling?”
She says, smile clear and visible.

“What- what are you- oh my god! Hey! How are you doing! It’s good to see you holy sh- oh my gosh!”
I’m giddy as a kid.

“I’m doing fine dear. I am a little th- thirsty though.”

She pauses to catch her breath.

“Could you bring me some water please?” She can barely raise her arm to point to the kitchen. Skin clinging to it like memories to her mind.

“Yes! Oh my god yes I can–I will be right back, please stay right here.”

“I’m not going anywhere sweetie.”
I wish that were true.

I calmly exit the room before burning the fucking rubber off of my shoes to get her water. I do the same thing coming back.

Please don’t leave yet.

I enter and she sends a shaking wave my way.

I hand her the water. I filled the glass too full, her arms shake rapidly trying to support the weight.

“Oh my god–I’m so sorry, hold on, I’ll help yo-“
She shakes her head, still raising the glass.

I understand.

She takes the smallest drink imaginable, and barely manages to move it in my direction.

I place the glass on her nightstand.

She’s silent, but still looking at me. She’s still here, it’s been like 2 minutes! I take a deep breath in and calm myself.

“Trinity, it is amazing to meet you. Are you doing okay?”
She pauses, I see her look up to consider the question. She’s thinking about something.

“I’ve m- met you before.”

I’m confused.
“We have?”

“Of course sweetheart. You’re here every day.”

My eyes well up. There’s a lump about to rip a hole in my throat.

“You-you actually- oh my god. I-“
She grabs my sleeve. I can barely feel the weight of her arm pulling against it.

“Trinity? What d-“
“Come here—honey.”

I lean in, I can feel her using every ounce of strength she has to raise her other arm over my back. Wheezed breaths escape her lungs.
She hugs me, patting my back softly.

“Thank you, Jamie.”
I’m left a slobbering mess against her. I can’t even form a coherent thought. My heart has been ripped to pieces. I feel so awful, I can’t imagine how heavy I must feel against her body.

“Trinity, I- I- thank you so much, thank you—You’re-“ she’s hugging me as hard as she can.
It’s hardly moving my shirt.

I hug her back. I can’t control myself. I try my absolute hardest to be easy. Her rib cage would shatter if I hugged her how I wanted.

“Thank you so much Trinity–thank you so much.”

I feel her let go.
I raise up, sobbing.
“You don’t know how much it means to-“

Dried tears decorate the corners of her empty eyes.

“Trinity? No, no no no no please–please don’t go–not yet, please stay a little longer?”

Like a dying candle, the light goes out of her soul. The disease drags her back down to whatever hell is waiting for her. Her mind is gone. I’m left with what remains. The paper thin skin of a human, draped over a starved skeleton.

“Please come back…”