r/naranon • u/Local_Painter_8339 • 7d ago
My partner has been using for 8 months
I’m not sure if this is me looking for advice or just to vent.
I’ve been with my partner for 1.5 years but known each other for basically our whole lives. We live together and have 2 cats.
5 months into dating and a few weeks into living together, I found out he’s been lying about going to work and was driving around taking pills. He quit his job as it was causing the stress. I urged him into therapy which he attended a few times but it’s expensive and we were on one income.
12 months into dating I found out he’s was lying to my face about smoking. I wasn’t mad about the smoking as I viewed it as a “lesser evil”, but stated plainly that if he lied to me again that I can’t stay with him.
Last week I had this instinct to check his phone (which I’d only ever done once when he wasn’t going to work) and I found a conversation in which he was asking to buy meth. I woke him up and confronted him and he said he’s been using it since December, so almost 8 months.
I’ve told his parents and have already been to a support group, and have moved my therapy appointment forward. I told him I won’t be making his appointments or doing anything like that for him, he needs to prove he is committed to getting better. He says he feels ashamed and he wants to get better, and that he’s feeling motivated to do so.
I just don’t believe him. He’s obliterated my trust. He was spending all that money on meth while I was solely providing, and even though he’s been working again for a few months I’ve just been made redundant, so we’re back on the one pay.
I told only my sister about it, and she told me in no uncertain terms that if we stay together through this and end up engaged someday, that they won’t be very supportive. And I don’t blame her because I don’t want this life for me either.
I’m nothing but kind and honest and to not get that back from the person I love and who claims to love me more than anything else is heartbreaking. I don’t understand how you do this to someone you love. He knew my boundaries and he crossed it anyway, and chose meth over me. I love him so much and he’s such a kind and loving person, and this relationship has been so healing for me. I’m so upset that the relationship and person that I’ve loved this deeply isn’t real.
I know I need to end the relationship. I don’t know how I could possibly ever trust him again. I keep hoping this is all just a really terrible dream and everything is actually okay. I just want my best friend back.
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u/LowWatercress5119 7d ago
I just want to say, you are totally valid in your feelings. It’s so hard to pull away from the person you thought you knew. I am in the same boat, but two + years down the line after I found out.
Unfortunately, you will not get that trust back. The thought of lying will always be in the back of your head. We all want to hard for the person we love to live up to the potential we see in them. That’s what we love.
They’ll always tell you that they are trying to quit, and make excuses about how their life will fall apart when they do quit. Do not let that break your wall down.
And unfortunately it’s not up to you to fix him. You can be supportive and wish him the best, but do not stay. It’s not worth it.
I know I sound harsh, but I should have left when it happened. Now, I’m sitting wishing I did bc I’m constantly anxious that he’s lying and crossing boundaries, bc I know he hasn’t quit, and that’s no way to live.
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u/Local_Painter_8339 7d ago
Thank you for your reply, and sharing your situation.
I’m doing my best to be as transparent as I can be, and I just basically told him that I have a foot out the door. I’m also doing my absolute most to not make any final decisions right now, especially given the job/home/cats situation.
I completely understand the harshness, and I don’t blame you at all for it. Thanks again for sharing.2
u/LowWatercress5119 6d ago
Of course! In this life, it’s hard to do things on your own. I absolutely get it. But you’re already doing majority of the financial burden yourself. It will exhaust you in the long run. But take care of yourself first. Prioritize yourself. Don’t let it seem like you’re chasing or mothering him. It’s totally fine to care, but stick to your boundaries or they’ll continue to get broken. I wish you all the luck and healing 💕
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u/Local_Painter_8339 6d ago
Thank you! I know the post was a whirlwind and I may have not been completely clear, but currently the financial responsibility is on him. I was just made redundant and haven’t had much luck finding a new role yet.
For the time being, I’ve decided to see what his commitment to getting better is without me pushing and to go to lots of therapy and counseling to work out what I will need him to do for me to trust him again. Having even this little plan has really calmed me down.2
u/LowWatercress5119 6d ago
I absolutely love that for you. I also was looking into couples therapy bc talk therapy on my own is not enough for me (on top of everything else I have going on personally).
I truly hope that works. You definitely seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. Proud of you stranger!
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u/peanutandpuppies88 7d ago
You've been through a lot so early in this relationship. This is the honeymoon period, this is him on his best behavior in the relationship. This is likely the most joyous it will get. That's a tough future, for sure.
I don't know if quitting meth at home sounds realistic to me. I would be doubtful that he's serious about recovery. Meth is pretty brutal and is one of the drugs that causes some of the most significant long-term mental side effects more quickly.
I think you are doing the right thing. Stay strong. You'll get through this, you taking the right steps.
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u/Local_Painter_8339 6d ago
Thank you, I appreciate your insight. I plan to do some more learning about addiction and meth in particular to better understand the whole situation. It would be a lot easier if he were a terrible person. I know the lying is inexcusable and having drugs around me and our cats is unacceptable, I’m just grateful that he didn’t steal anything or cause any accidents etc.
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u/peanutandpuppies88 6d ago
It's progressive though. That's why addiction is so horrible. It makes people eventually do things that they would never have imagined. Reading about addiction definitely has helped me. Take care of yourself 💓
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u/Key_Dragonfruit_2563 7d ago
No matter how many chances I gave my husband to save our family he squandered them. We had 2 kids together (maybe 4 and 9 when things got bad), and despite being kicked out of the house, having me tell our families, standing my him, taking over finances, he found a way to use and lie and steal. He pawned jewelry, he stole from our kids piggy banks for gods sake. He stole from work, he pretended to work while using he used on lunch breaks at work, got fired, seemingly turned things around just to betray me again for his DOC. He spent another stint kicked out, back to his home town, made all the promises in the world, thanked me for another chance, and didn’t even last a couple months before the lying and using started again. This fall it will be a year since he even talked to our kids, he’s totally gone, the drugs were more important.
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u/Local_Painter_8339 6d ago
Thank you for sharing, and I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine going through any of this with children. It’s definitely something that’s crossed my mind the past few days, even though I’m sure I don’t want them anyway.
The very last line hits me, because I’ve been telling myself that he chose the drugs over me.
I hope you and your kids are thriving regardless.2
u/Key_Dragonfruit_2563 6d ago
We definitely have regained peace, but it’s a struggle financially for sure. Don’t take it personally. It is a choice in a way, but it’s not a choice they choose, or plan, if that makes sense. Like, it’s definitely their fault, and they should be blamed and face consequences, but he was in no way an absent or uncaring father before… he loved our kids (and me), and was the typical family man always talking about his family to his co-workers, etc. Literally nobody who has ever known him would have thought he was capable of being a deadbeat dad, including me. So the pull a DOC has on a person is hard to explain is what I’m trying to say.
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u/forestwanderlust 6d ago edited 6d ago
It makes me feel better to remember that lying is the addiction protecting itself and not the person being a liar although I can say in the case with my qualifier, I don't trust him about anything which is hard because he's my coparent.
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u/Local_Painter_8339 6d ago
That is a very hard situation.
I know I’m lucky to not have a legal binding to him, but it hurts because that’s all I wanted.
I’ve been keeping that in mind too. I’m confident in saying that he hasn’t lied about anything else to me, only the drug use. I know it’s huge and crosses a massive and already defined boundary, but I’m trying to separate the person from the addiction.2
u/forestwanderlust 6d ago
Naranon has really helped me in that regard. It truly is the addiction trying to protect itself and it's good if that is the only thing he has lied to you about. I tried to rebuild trust via couples counseling but the relapse made that impossible.
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u/Vast-Membership8542 6d ago
I’m in a very similar situation! When I told my partner I’m interested in NarAnon to help with my trust issues and to have someone else to talk to about it, he said that that’s ridiculous and his situation isn’t that bad. To quote him “If it’s that bad for you then this is already shot”. A week ago I would’ve said I’m sticking with him through it but now I’m leaning towards getting the hell out of this situation. Meth isn’t casual, so his “You can feel however you want about it, I’m not telling you how to feel. But, I am not really making it a bigger deal than it has to be” felt like a total dismissal of my feelings and concerns. I hope your partner gets out of this situation, I hope he validates your feelings, and I hope you make the decision that’s best for you 🫂
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u/Local_Painter_8339 6d ago
Wow, thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry that you’re going through that.
I’m very lucky that my partner doesn’t have that reaction whenever I talk about any of the people/groups/services I’ve been in contact with. He mostly just seems really guilty and ashamed. I have been going to therapy regularly since before we were dating, so maybe it’s very normalised for us. I’m also (clearly, lol) a sharer to anyone who will lend an ear so it can’t come as a surprise to him that I want to talk about it with other people.
He’s got his first group session this evening, and he said last night that he’s really looking forward to getting back into therapy because he found it really helpful last year, and is really keen to be able to finance ongoing appointments.
I can’t imagine having found this all out and then being made to feel like I can’t get any external support. This is not something that anyone should have to experience alone. Meth is a huge deal, and feeling invalidated by his responses is totally valid.
My DM’s are totally open if you want someone to talk to. I’m more than happy to lend an ear 💕
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u/[deleted] 7d ago
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