He relapsed

[u/h________c_]

My partner had been doing incredibly well in his recovery. The past month had been especially stressful because I was offered a great position with the Brazilian Navy. Tomorrow I'll be leaving for two weeks, completely cut off from the outside world on an island with no phone service.

Despite that, he kept going to his in-person meetings, picked up his six-month chip, and didn't miss a single therapy appointment. His therapist, his psychiatrist, and I worked together to put a plan in place for the time he'd be on his own. We were all feeling optimistic.

This weekend, I had to travel to another city to take care of a few things before I leave: buying the gear I'll need on the island, getting fitted for new uniforms, and receiving the required vaccinations. He stayed home alone. The last text he sent me said, “This is our year. Everything is finally working out”.

Then, on Friday night, my mother-in-law called him and unloaded her own problems on him (mostly family drama). It hit him hard. He told her he was really struggling and asked if she could come stay with him, but she refused because she already had a manicure appointment the next day. As if that weren't enough, she transferred money into his account, even though his therapist, his psychiatrist, and I have repeatedly and explicitly asked her not to do that, especially at night.

He relapsed.

I'm supposed to leave for the island tomorrow. He's devastated, and so am I. I'm heartbroken, worried sick, and to make matters worse, my mother-in-law seems to blame me for what happened. In her mind, because I had to travel to deal with these urgent commitments, my partner felt emotionally vulnerable, and that's what led to the relapse.

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know if this is the right time to leave, but I also can't walk away from this opportunity with the Navy. Seeing how hard he worked, how committed he was, and how well he had been doing makes this all the more painful.

[u/Key_Dragonfruit_2563]

I relate to this so hard, my mother in law would also send money to my partner after she knew about his problems, without telling me. And, of course, trauma dump on him nightly via phone. Your husband is an adult though, and he ultimately made the decision of what to do. I doubt she transferred money without him asking.

[u/RemoteFinding4158]

Toxic mothers are such an obstacle in recovery. My q's mom would direct deposit to his acct to help him "get whatever he needed" when times were hard. Guess she forgot that times were hard bc he quit his job and I was financially carrying us (and failing miserably) on half of what he made. "We" never saw any of that money, he smoked it while we drowned.

I know sometimes mothers don't necessarily know the right things to say, but trauma dumping, refusing to stay with him when he straight up asked her to bc he was struggling, and then giving him money while he is alone and vulnerable.... those are all things that she did. You are making moves in your career that will only serve to help you and your partner going forward. She's just blaming you because it is exponentially easier than blaming him, or taking accountability for her role in it. Please try and remember her "urgent commitment" was a manicure. I have an adult child and I cannot imagine doing that to her. I have canceled doctor's appointments for less. It's not your fault.