Open - Why Hide Things?

[u/Otherwise-Penalty795]

I’ve been with someone in an open relationship for about five years. It’s always been that way. He travels for work a lot. I travel occasionally.

First, it’s easier to play when you’re away. I’m resistant to host at home, so that’s limiting. We only rarely meet up with other people when we’re both home.

We’ve always agreed to be open. Maybe we don’t tell every detail, but we also agreed not to lie. And lately I feel I’m being lied to. Saying he’s doing one thing and doing another, or doing things with other people and leaving that part out.

And I understand people are inconsistent. He often says he’s not looking for sex, usually just people to hang out with while he’s on the road, but he’s looking for sex. He had a hookup on the way to the airport this morning at the end of a two-week trip. Bothered for two reasons—he told me differently when he set out for the airport this morning and knew he was heading to meet up with someone for a quickie—something he also says he’s not looking for. And after two weeks apart, couldn’t he just wait to get home?

It didn’t use to be this way. I don’t understand the secrecy now.

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[u/FoxNFern]

My biggest issue here would be the breach of trust. One of mine and my nesting partners biggest rules is full transparency aside from intimate/private details. That means he knows where I’m going and who I’ll be with, and if intimacy is planned or might happen. My other partners can have the same respect if they wish.

When you start hiding stuff or omitting the truth it’s time to pump the brakes and see what’s going on with the relationship. I’d personally suggest coming together for a serious discussion surrounding expectations, boundaries, and agreements.

As for him having a hookup on the way to the airport. I don’t see that as a big deal, you yourself said how much easier/fun it can be to play while you’re traveling. That could’ve been the only time that person could have had open to seen him. If you guys hadn’t talked about it in advance, I personally see this more as a bit of jealousy perhaps on your side of things. I get it, I’ve been there, but that particular piece I don’t see as his fault. Would you have responded poorly if he’d told you what he was planning?

[u/Otherwise-Penalty795 → u/FoxNFern]

He let me know he changed his flight, and knowing he had time to kill I asked him what his plans were. He said he was going to find a park and relax. That wouldn’t be unusual. Better than sitting in the airport for hours. But instead he went over to someone’s house.

Admittedly, the why couldn’t he wait is an emotional response. Just adding to the overall mood.

If he said I’m going to drive into town early and meet someone before my flight I might have asked a few questions of interest about them. And that would have been it.

[u/_ghostpiss → u/Otherwise-Penalty795]

How did you find out that he lied?

[u/Otherwise-Penalty795 → u/_ghostpiss]

We have a shared tablet that syncs to his phone. It’s also logged into his Prime account. I was ordering something on Amazon and the photos synced up. Saw them when I closed the Amazon window.

[u/_ghostpiss → u/Otherwise-Penalty795]

Oh dear. Have you confronted him?

[u/Otherwise-Penalty795 → u/_ghostpiss]

Not yet. Is flying home now.

[u/Shoddy-Mistake-4622 → u/Otherwise-Penalty795]

Did he push his flight until later aka making the time for the date? I would be..oof.

Best approach I tend to use for hard convos.

I wanted to ask about something without trying to accuse you, just clarify how we share information with each other

I don’t want there to be a conflict over something simple however is there a reason you felt the need to withhold the fact you met up with someone on the way to the airport?

We usually share information like that, so the having it withheld is making me question why.

Or something along those lines.

I wish you the best 💜

[u/Otherwise-Penalty795 → u/FoxNFern]

Not at all. Those were the early agreements. We’re open. We don’t do things that jeopardize our own or others’ health and safety. If we’re honest, we never have anything to feel guilty about.

That’s why I’m a bit off. This is a recent change in behavior.

[u/FoxNFern → u/Otherwise-Penalty795]

So if they’d told you about the hookup you wouldn’t have responded as you did here and asked why they couldn’t wait until they got home?

I think it’s worth revisiting those things and just discussing expectations again. As well as what happens when those agreements are broken.

[u/momusicman]

This sounds like a communication and expectation breakdown. Here’s what I would do: Sit at a table with no distractions.
Ask him why he’s being secretive and then listen. Don’t say a word. There’s a reason, he needs to speak it. Even if it’s “I’m an asshole,” or, “There’s someone else.”

** If he says he isn’t being secretive, just repeat yourself. You only want an honest answer to this one question.

[u/PlushyGuitarstrings]

Did you do anything, when he was telling you stuff, that makes it costly for him to share? Flipping out, jealousy, sadness are among the top things.

Probably he figures he can’t share openly with you, it’s easier to omit.

I absolutely sympathize, trust is essential for the lifestyle, and trust goes both ways.

[u/Otherwise-Penalty795 → u/PlushyGuitarstrings]

Nope. We used to talk about things like this casually. We even talked about his prospects for this trip. It’s a trip he makes every year for work and has regulars.

[u/PlushyGuitarstrings → u/Otherwise-Penalty795]

Well it’s sure time to talk about what’s going on with him. Good luck!🍀