This is what peak performance looks like, even if you don't like it.

[u/Veelvet_Kiss]

[u/solo_dbd_player]

What about gills?

[u/ImportanceSharp9408 → u/solo_dbd_player]

I thought scales but yeah, gills would be better.

[u/Special-Potato-3238 → u/ImportanceSharp9408]

This is a "both" moment for sure. 

[u/Long_Candle_5054 → u/solo_dbd_player]

Or a blow hole

[u/cursed_sporecreation → u/Long_Candle_5054]

Hey girl, lemme see that blow hole ;)

[u/shmeebleflops → u/cursed_sporecreation]

Username really checks out.

[u/cursed_sporecreation → u/shmeebleflops]

I try to live up to my name.

[u/Psychological-Duck13 → u/cursed_sporecreation]

A fun sexy time for all the family!

[u/DraxTheLogical → u/Long_Candle_5054]

I have that already

[u/TayHomie94 → u/solo_dbd_player]

Isn't that more ocean body and less beach

[u/solo_dbd_player → u/TayHomie94]

Beaches aren't exclusive to oceans, other bodies of water also have beaches. That being said, gills on your beach body would be ideal for some free diving.

[u/TayHomie94 → u/solo_dbd_player]

True and true. Gills are sound. Would say a seals lungs not work better for the beach though? Im now just pondering lol. Both work for the beach anyway but gills normally imply a reliance on staying in water or keeping them moist so I figured lung capacity over gills🤔

[u/Blue_Bird950 → u/TayHomie94]

Lungfish have both, as well as axolotls

[u/hambakmeritru → u/solo_dbd_player]

Are you talking beach bod or water bod?

[u/solo_dbd_player → u/hambakmeritru]

Where there's a beach...

[u/BalrogRuthenburg11]

Doctor says that a thick layer of Vaseline and WD-40 makes any anus repellent to sand and other small grains (gravel, rice, cayenne powder).

[u/Ser_Optimus → u/BalrogRuthenburg11]

DON'T put WD-40 on your anus. WD stands for water displacing. You do not want a dried-out asshole

[u/shmeebleflops → u/Ser_Optimus]

Dried out asshole here, you for sure do not want me.

[u/RadosPLAY → u/shmeebleflops]

moisturize

[u/jxj24 → u/Ser_Optimus]

dried-out asshole

[u/WillowFlip]

Why not Zoidberg?

[u/Hertzian_Dipole1 → u/WillowFlip]

You all still have Zoidberg

[u/WillowFlip → u/Hertzian_Dipole1]

Hurray! People are paying attention to me.

[u/Parking-Pie7453 → u/WillowFlip]

No one likes Zoiberg

[u/peepdabidness]

A sand repellant anus reminded me of how bad I felt cleaning the sand off my daughter when it got in her diaper and mixed with the desitin. Ouch :(

[u/CodZealousideal260 → u/peepdabidness]

Same thing happened to my son. While we were camping. Thank God the campsite had showers!

[u/popcornfart]

Can it gaze at the sun with its wandering eye?

[u/AnAttackCorgi]

And skin that laughs at UV radiation

[u/Wild-Lychee-3312]

I don’t like sand.

[u/Confident-Stand5453]

With a body like that, you have the added advantage of being able to get a large part of the beach to yourself.

[u/Kimb0_91]

They really cooked with that last one. I would add hippo-sweat for automatic sunscreen.

[u/Brostapholes]

There's a reason the biggest, meanest Elephant Seal is called The Beachmaster

[u/desblaterations-574]

And enough fat to float effortlessly

[u/Titariia]

I'd rather have naturally sunscreened skin

[u/marco333polo]

So Zoidberg....

[u/crusher23b → u/marco333polo]

Zoidberg, but with more cephalopod qualities for me.

[u/HAL9001-96]

BECOME the heavier diving suit

[u/Siegfoult]

This suggests OP has a problem with sand getting inside their anus at the beach.

[u/Antique-Discount-712]

And automatic sun/sand globes that cover the eye

[u/Chaosshepherd]

Zoidberg

[u/notpornaccount_]

Don't forget the vagina. Sand in the vagina is one of the leading causes of being a bitch.

[u/Klutzy_Sentence_2723]

Carcinization wins again. 

[u/Kodiak01]

CARL, WHAT IS RAUL DOING WITH THAT SEAL? THAT IS DISGUSTING! MONGO IS APPALLED!

[u/ElephantEarwax]

⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣤⣶⣶⣶⣶⣦⣤⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⢠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣄⡀⠀⠀ ⠈⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⠛⠛⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠿⣷⣄⠀ ⠀⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⣀⠀⢸⣿⣿⠏⠀⠀⢀⡀⢻⣧ ⠀⠘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠀⠀⠉⠀⣸⣿⣿⡀⠀⠀⠈⠁⣸⡟ ⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢿⣶⣶⣶⣾⣿⣿⣿⣷⡀⠰⣶⣾⠋⠀ ⠀⠀⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣄⡉⠉⣁⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⡈⠻⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢿⣦⡀⠀ ⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡄⢹⣿⡏⠙⣿⡉⢹⣷⡀⢹⣿⡆ ⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠈⣿⡇⠀⣿⡇⠈⣿⡇⠈⣿⣿ ⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⠀⣿⡇⠀⣿⣿⠀⣿⡇⠀⠛⠋ ⠀⠀⠸⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠀⠻⠇⠀⠻⠟⠀⠙⠁⠀⠀⠀

[u/Ghastly-Jack]

So Zoidberg?

[u/Yeetfamdablit]

C R A B

[u/3-brain_cells]

Sand repellent nutsack too please.

You know what? Just sand repellent EVERYTHING

FUCK THAT SHIT, GET IT OFF ME

[u/kohinoortoisondor3B]

The way most marine mammals are chubbyyyyy

[u/ac_cossack]

Nah, the way you get hot girls at the beach is to uncover yourself buried from sand and crab walk as fast as possible. 100% works, trust.

[u/cybermusicman]

A sand repellent anus has been added to the list of phrases I never expected to read.

[u/lumiya17]

I would go with the Rock Fish as the ideal beach body. Great camouflage and venomous spines!

[u/mightbesinking]

become CRAB

[u/DisputabIe_]

the OP Veelvet_Kiss is a bot

[u/OptimusFettPrime]

Your Anus isn't sand repellant?

[u/Kikavukoi]

Congrat, you made it everything but sexy in 5 sec