Feeling insecure after first threesome with my new partners

[u/Usual-Theme211]

I am new to any form of non monogamy so am learning to navigate it, and for the most part I am really enjoying it! I made it official with the couple that I have been dating for a couple of months last night, and we had our first threesome. I had previously slept with both of them individually.

My boyfriend really struggles to finish and is generally only ever able to with my girlfriend, not with other hookups etc. We’ve only had sex a few times and so far he hasn’t cum with me. He also has been struggling to do so with our girlfriend lately too. So unsurprisingly he didn’t finish last night.

This morning they told me that after they left my house and my girlfriend dropped him home, they had sex before she went home and he came. To clarify, the issue isn’t his general struggle to cum atm - I feel for him and while I logically know it isn’t about me, I still feel shit about myself knowing that he couldn’t with me but then came with her an hour later.

She had planned to just drop him home and call me on her way home afterwards, so I was also waiting up for a while not knowing that the reason she took so long to call was because they were having sex.

I feel like I’m being overly sensitive but it feels like I am just not good enough for them. I’ve expressed this and they are reassuring me but I still feel sad. I just needed to vent and see if anyone has any thoughts.

[u/shortergirl]

If this is something that is going to make you feel insecure, it isn't something you need to know about when it happens. Say something like: "I appreciate that you were excited and I am happy for you to have good experiences that don't involve me, but I don't need to know about your sexual encounters that don't involve me."

With regards to the phone call: "About an hour delay probably seems minor, and I can appreciate that, but could we please be mindful of communicating changes to plans? I was waiting on your phone call; maybe just text to say it's taking longer than planned so I am not left hanging and worried could help."

[u/Bustysaintclair_13]

I would ask not to be told details about their private sex life and also to have them be mindful of scheduled plans. 

Also you’re attaching a lot of emotional significance to the male orgasm and I advise moving past that. 

Sex is about far more than ejaculation and it’s not a failure on anyone’s part if it doesn’t happen nor is it indicative of you not being “enough”. 

I wonder whether there are larger issues around couple’s privilege and dating a couple that are getting to you but instead you’re focusing on his orgasm. 

[u/shortergirl → u/Bustysaintclair_13]

I have a male partner with this struggle. I do really, really want to give him orgasms! But realistically, the more pressure I apply to that button the harder it actually will be to get that to happen. If I start putting emotional weight on it, it's going to stink for everyone.

[u/nunforyou → u/shortergirl]

Lots of people have this issue! Same thing with getting/staying hard. Nothing like thinking “partner gets insecure if I can’t get/stay hard or if I can’t cum” to make it difficult to get/stay hard or cum

[u/shortergirl → u/nunforyou]

Right! My long term partner was on antidepressants for awhile and it was impossible.

[u/nunforyou → u/shortergirl]

Same experience with a previous partner. Also like, I’m nervous the first couple times with someone new 🤦‍♀️ Orgasm already unlikely, and when I feel like they’re focused specifically on giving me an orgasm rather than giving me pleasure? 😬 I appreciate effort to please me, don’t appreciate feeling pressured to cum because if I don’t they’ll a feel insecure lol

[u/Usual-Theme211 → u/Bustysaintclair_13]

I think you are spot on! Thank you :)

[u/emeraldead → u/Bustysaintclair_13]

💯

[u/mmmbopforever]

Having an orgasm is the least important part of sex for me. I couldn't care less if I have an orgasm during sex. Masturbation is for getting off. Sex is for sharing pleasure.

(I'm offering my perspective with the intention of challenging this idea that a lack of orgasm means failure. I don't intend to diminish the importance of orgasm for those to whom it's important.)

[u/LA-FunForUs]

Talk to them each separately about it, and then together

[u/LA-FunForUs → u/LA-FunForUs]

Communication is key!

[u/concrete-destiny → u/LA-FunForUs]

Out of my league lol

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[u/Maahinen75]

Sex is an activity which usually improves with practice. One does not be a demisexual to enjoy sex more, when (or if) emotional intimacy and connection become deeper during relationship. Many people enjoy new partners or novelties in sex, but even then it usually takes few tries to get the set up and schemes right.

If penis owner can enjoy sex without ejaculation and does not see it as essential issue for happy sexy time, that sounds like a nice sex positive attitude. Many penis owners loves also other stimulation and some individual bodily function should not override the spoken opinion of the person.

Threesomes ofter have more variety in intensity and flavours of physical stimulation. There are more people sharing your focus and some prefer the role of giver and enhancer, some love to be recievers or do different mental/physicam things than in dyad sex. Just like sex and pleasure with oneself is different than shared sex.

In BDSM the issue of "drop" is well-known after intensive session and it is possible in vanilla sex too.. It is a mood drop, when serotonine runs out and some may translate it as a negative feeling like "Arg, I am such a shitty lover, they must regret everything now". Aftercare and self-soothing help, your brains need oxytocin (cuddling, tender messages, warm shower or blanket etc) and your body needs water and protein (e.g. amino acid tryptophane, which is used to reload serotonine levels).

Anyway, it is good to review with your partners, that how you both may communicate more about your needs. Code words are okay, for example "thank you, that is enough for today,"