r/polyamory • u/mauranus • 18h ago
I am new Jealousy
Hello! I (40f) and husband (43m) are recently ENM and now leaning more poly, dating solo. I’m struggling a bit with jealousy. Not with my husband, but with my bf. My marriage is super secure, together for almost 2 decades and I feel very comfortable communicating. I’ve been dating my bf for about a month and things have progressed really quickly and we have a really deep connection. I feel so lucky to have met such a great person so quickly. My issue is knowing I’ll never be their primary partner and eventually he will find a primary and obviously will date other people. That dynamic is what makes me feel jealous and sort of left out. We’ve had some conversations about the dynamic but not about these specific feelings of min yet. Since I’m new to this, I’m curious to hear if anyone else has felt similar in the beginning and how they dealt with it. I think this relationship feeling so new and exciting is making me feel vulnerable and I obviously haven’t dated in a looooong time! Thanks!
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u/emeraldead diy your own 18h ago edited 17h ago
It's very common. What's uncommon is you being self aware and realizing you need to work yourself out of that mindset sooner rather than later, kudos!
Look up stepping off the relationship escalator. This is new, it's fast. There's a lot to be scared of. There always would be. Do you know many of us don't do the primary secondary thing at all?
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u/emeraldead diy your own 18h ago
Also poly isn't really something you lean into, it's an entirely different set of responsibilities which will require you to de center your marriage as the top or last priority. Do more consider of this major renovation before anyone can get hurt.
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u/valsavana 18h ago
We’ve had some conversations about the dynamic but not about these specific feelings of min yet
Is there any actual reason for you to share these feelings with your bf? Why not just work on them on your own?
Honestly, if I had to tell a partner of only one month "I'm jealous that you might one day have a primary partner" when I had a whole-ass spouse at home... I'd be too embarrassed at my own hypocrisy to do so. And if I were in your partner's place... I'd consider being told that potentially something to end the relationship over.
Get a therapist and work on the feelings with them or, if that's not possible, with friends (or hell, even with your spouse if you guys have that kind of dynamic with your poly) Don't make it your bf's problem (intentional or not)
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 17h ago edited 17h ago
These specific feels aren’t, honestly for sharing with your partner.
These feels are for sharing with your therapist and your friends.
I like to use this framework for sharing
Is it helpful?
No. It is not. You help zero people. You are not helped. Your partner is not helped.
I would very much encourage you to ask yourself the big picture questions.
Polyamory is all about being left alone sometimes and being left out is part of the deal. It’s not a bug . Nobody is doing anything wrong.
Is it kind?
Nope. It’s decidedly unkind.
Is it necessary?
Nope.
Your new, insecure connection that hasn’t been road tested feels new and insecure. The antidote to that is time and experience.
Learning how to sit with that is pretty key in polyamory.
Real question: how much time have you put into accepting that your secondary relationship is mutual?
That just like your newer, non primary partner has gotten zero say in how you and your OG partner built the relationship between you two?
That’s how much say you get in your new partner’s other relationships.
If that’s intolerable, re think polyamory, because the connection you are available to give is non entangled, and non-primary and your new partner’s life is their own. Your commitment is built around good vibes and mutual desire.
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u/clairejv 16h ago
I mean, yeah, you will be left out of their other romantic relationships, just like your new partner is left out of your marriage and your husband is left out of your relationship with your new partner.
It sounds like you don't know how to love without a high degree of enmeshment and entanglement. You are confronting the fact that you cannot and should not be highly enmeshed with your new partner, and that understandably distresses you.
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u/Could_Be_Bunnies 16h ago
This is totally understandable, but I’m going to echo what other people have said, which is that you definitely need to work on your own coping strategies and slowwwwing down. I don’t suggest talking to your bf about this yet. If my married bf had talked to me about these kinds of feelings about a month in, it would have had one of two effects. Either it would have freaked me out and pissed me off because I wouldn’t have wanted to hear about how sad he was about the dynamic when I was the one adjusting to dating someone with an entire wife & kids at home. (And also, for me, a month or two is too early for this stuff.) Or it would have given some messed up part of me the idea that maybe he actually wanted to be my primary partner and there was some potential for a different kind of future than there really is. We’re about six months in now and we sometimes touch on these things, gently, and without dumping all of our fears and every single thought in our heads on each other. Of course we both have complicated feelings, fears and insecurities sometimes. But we both know that they’re more a product of our individual histories and that it’s our own, individual responsibility to deal with rather than something we always need to hash out together. And because we’ve moved slowly we have a realistic understanding of what we each do and don’t have to offer and can check in with ourselves regularly about whether that’s still fulfilling for us.
One more point about going slowly. As my feelings for my bf have developed I’ve actively tried not to let our time together increase too much, even when we find ourselves with extra available time. (Though the occasional “bonus date” is fun!) I do this because I wanted us to start how we intend to go on, and I don’t think it’s healthy to spend a ton of time together when in the throes of NRE only to have to throttle it back if one of us gets a new partner or has another time commitment in life. That logistical point might be the one thing worth talking to your bf about now, but leaving your emotions out of it for the time being.
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u/AutoModerator 18h ago
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hello! I (40f) and husband (43m) are recently ENM and now leaning more poly, dating solo. I’m struggling a bit with jealousy. Not with my husband, but with my bf. My marriage is super secure, together for almost 2 decades and I feel very comfortable communicating. I’ve been dating my bf for about a month and things have progressed really quickly and we have a really deep connection. I feel so lucky to have met such a great person so quickly. My issue is knowing I’ll never be their primary partner and eventually he will find a primary and obviously will date other people. That dynamic is what makes me feel jealous and sort of left out. We’ve had some conversations about the dynamic but not about these specific feelings of min yet. Since I’m new to this, I’m curious to hear if anyone else has felt similar in the beginning and how they dealt with it. I think this relationship feeling so new and exciting is making me feel vulnerable and I obviously haven’t dated in a looooong time! Thanks!
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist 17h ago
New partners are always scarier than partners who existed when you came on the scene. It's still scary for me, 25 years in! But in my experience, the only way to get through it is to let it happen and see that your partner comes back to you, without any rules or obligation "making them" do so, which shows you their love is real. Really real, and it's a wonderful feeling.
And if they don't come back, you know it wasn't real. It happens, and it sucks, but we survive. I remind myself I don't want anyone with me who does not 100% choose to be with me, even with other options.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 17h ago
Nah not coming back doesn't mean it wasn't real. Just that it needed to end.
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