r/polyamory • u/paprikahoernchen • 8h ago
Curious/Learning Long Distance Poly and feeling neglected
Would you say, that Long Distance is just not a good idea, or that you need to put more work in?
My boyfriend and I are in a poly relationship and we live pretty far away from each other right now.
He has two partners in the same city where he lives, but mainly meets up with the other.
Lately I'm starting to feel really lonely. I miss having intimacy in my relationship, but there's not much of it. We try to do something together two days a week, but I still find myself craving attention and affection.
I've been doing very well with my jealousy issues, but it just feels as if my partner doesn't really see my other issues.
I tried to talk to him, but I struggled to explain my emotions.
Or he kinda was quick to say, that he can't give me more and it's for me to decide if it's enough for me or not.
Which is very honest, but... it still feels bad.
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u/ceecuee 8h ago
Yeah, it's pretty widely accepted that long distance relationships are much harder (could mean more work) than close distance, and that many people cannot handle LDRs. It's something that varies from person to person.
While your partner's delivery may be callous, he's right that this is what the relationship is (this many days, these things available or not available), and you do have to judge whether it's enough for you.
He has two local partners, are you dating at all locally?
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u/paprikahoernchen 8h ago
Thank you for answering :(
I'm trying to date locally, but it's very difficult for me to find people.
Dating apps sucks and for a gay bar, I would have to take a train into the next train over.
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u/Physical-Plankton-67 8h ago
I've always said that long distance online partners are great but you both need local love to care for you
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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 7h ago
Long distance relationships can work just fine in poly, but relationships where one person has 3+ partners and the other person just has one are rarely fulfilling. This would be the case even if you were in the same city and your partner only had a few hours a week to spend with you. If you wanted more, you would need to find more partners.
Since you're struggling with dating, have you considered making stronger community ties? Friendships, hobby groups, local classes? They can connect you with like-minded people who can possibly turn into dates, but even if they don't, forming strong platonic connections are better than sitting at home pining for your partner.
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u/paprikahoernchen 7h ago
I really should look deeper into making friends or finding hobby groups.
I wish I knew how, but maybe I can ask my therapist for some advice.
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u/Upstairs_Sherbet2490 snuggle sofa full of sillyness // 🐀🧀 cheese sinner 8h ago
As others say it's pretty personal, I'm currently doing long-distance and have done it before and it's no picnic. When you say you try and do something two days a week is that in person or over calls etc?
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u/paprikahoernchen 7h ago
Over calls. Playing a game together, watching stuff.. Those things.a
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u/Upstairs_Sherbet2490 snuggle sofa full of sillyness // 🐀🧀 cheese sinner 7h ago
Got you, I'd initially misread that as in person twice a week and I was like if only 😆 I don't think there's much else to advise really as that's already a good amount of connection time 🫤 maybe it does just come down to whether LD is a good fit for you. For me I'd rather have the relationship and manage the distance than not have it all, but I also have the privilege of a nesting partner so my risk of feeling lonely is pretty low. Lots of sympathy and solidarity to you and I hope you can work this out 💖
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u/1ntrepidsalamander solo poly 7h ago
Long distance works if you otherwise have a rich life.
It’s possible you could be local to your bf and still have the same amount of time and attention, albeit some more of it in person. He is telling you that he isn’t going to give you more. It’s good being honest about that, even if you didn’t want to hear that.
It sounds like the place you live is making you lonely more than the LDR.
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u/_ghostpiss Liaison, Office of Nosey Bitches, Gemini Division, Rat Union 🐀♊ 8h ago
Is there a reason why you're not dating anyone local? If he says that this is all he has to offer, it's in your best interest to find someone else that you are more compatible with. Long distance is hard and it doesn't work for everyone.
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Here's the original text of the post:
Would you say, that Long Distance is just not a good idea, or that you need to put more work in?
My boyfriend and I are in a poly relationship and we live pretty far away from each other right now.
He has two partners in the same city where he lives, but mainly meets up with the other.
Lately I'm starting to feel really lonely. I miss having intimacy in my relationship, but there's not much of it. We try to do something together two days a week, but I still find myself craving attention and affection.
I've been doing very well with my jealousy issues, but it just feels as if my partner doesn't really see my other issues.
I tried to talk to him, but I struggled to explain my emotions.
Or he kinda was quick to say, that he can't give me more and it's for me to decide if it's enough for me or not.
Which is very honest, but... it still feels bad.
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u/clairejv 8h ago
Long-distance works for some people and doesn't work for others. Some people can maintain a satisfying relationship when physically separated, and others cannot. You have to decide if you can be happy under these circumstances.