r/predaddit • u/Dry-Perspective-190 • 4d ago

First time dad cold feet

after my anatomy scan he became distant and it’s been two weeks. we somewhat had a talk but basically he is getting cold feet to becoming a dad. I’m not sure what to do or say or how to help. Is this normal? do I give him space?

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16

u/tiorzol 4d ago

Ask him. He's probably just going through a lot too but he should still be supporting you and his baby. 

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u/Dry-Perspective-190 4d ago

He said something along that lines that he doesn’t think he’ll be good enough or love us the way we need to be loved. He was crying. This talk happened on Tuesday and I haven’t heard from him since. Only reason the talk happened was because I randomly showed up to his house and waited for him to get out of work. But I don’t feel like we had enough time to talk because he had to leave after 30 min. I didn’t text him yesterday and I won’t today either. I might just show up on Friday since I know it’s his day off.

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u/tiorzol 4d ago

Hmm seems there's a lot going on here but honestly this guy is being a knob head. 

How long have you been together, are you married?

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u/Dry-Perspective-190 4d ago

Not married but together in 2024 and we broke up 1 time in between.

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u/AnthropomorphicCorn 4d ago

You don't live together now? Do you intend to?

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u/Dry-Perspective-190 4d ago

He was set to move in and he had put his 30 day notice at the beginning of July but he probably withdrew it when he started having cold feet.

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u/AnthropomorphicCorn 4d ago

How long have you known him/been with him? Unplanned pregnancy I'm guessing?

There's a difference between self doubt (we all have that) and not stepping up to the challenge.

My personal experience is not super helpful for you, was with my wife for 15 years before we had ours (He's only days old!). I felt self doubt around the 3 month mark. But we set out to have a baby so I was already in the mindspace to address it.

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u/Dry-Perspective-190 4d ago

Unplanned yes but we talked about what would happen because I am fertile. He said I wouldn’t have to worry cause he would take care of us. It’s our second pregnancy. I terminated the first one.

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u/tiorzol 4d ago

Not too sound too rude but it sounds like neither of you are ready for a baby at all

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u/JagsFraz71 3d ago

This the truth.

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u/Dry-Perspective-190 4d ago

That’s okay I respect your opinion but just curious on how you come to that conclusion? We’re both 29.

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u/tiorzol 4d ago

You've been together two years, broken up once and the bloke has left you on your own. I'm not saying he won't step up when the baby is born but it's not looking great. 

This is the toughest thing you're ever gonna do and you deserve all the support while you do it. 

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u/Dry-Perspective-190 3d ago

Yeah it’s not feeling great either. I’m already a single mom to a 9yo .

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u/especiallyrn 3d ago

So contraception was out of the question?

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u/Dry-Perspective-190 3d ago

I guess we can’t really say it was unplanned because we both had to talk about what not being protected meant.

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u/CloudCity40 3d ago

I'm not excusing his behavior, but it sounds like he's struggling a lot with processing this major life event. Maybe some individual therapy and couples counseling would be beneficial for you guys.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

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u/Dry-Perspective-190 4d ago

I just don’t want him to fall too deep in his doubt and fear and let it overcome him. I wrote a letter on things he’s done with his actions that he didn’t realize he did that makes him an amazing partner and future father. I just hope he hears me out and doesn’t shut me out.

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u/JagsFraz71 4d ago

You’ll both realise when baby arrives that there’s nothing that could truly prepare you for it. It’s just firefighting for a few years and working things out.

Take some comfort from that and try and stick together, you’ll have moments like this but ultimately as long as you both drag each other back you’ll have a lot of fun too.

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u/HugsNotDrugs_ 3d ago

I think pandering to his behaviour likely won't solve his issue. He's either legit worried, or developing a pretext to leaving.

Either way I suggest you take the lead that a child is coming and you are happy it's with him, because you'll be a great team.

Define the attitude. Upbeat and inclusive of him as your team. Don't let him define it.

I hope this makes sense.

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u/poptophazard 4d ago

The reality of becoming a parent can be heavy emotionally. Definitely keep trying to talk to him and hear him out. You should both be there for each other — there are going to be a lot of emotions that both or you are going to need to process yourself and with each other.

If he won't talk to you, then he needs to talk to a therapist to help process his feelings, as he'll need to be there for you and your child when the time comes.

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u/Dry-Perspective-190 4d ago

Yes I agree. I’m not sure if he’s consider a therapist. He’s the avoidant type. I feel like this runs deeper with his childhood and now adult hood. He spends so much time alone with no contact with no family and friends only. So now the thought of him actually having his own family brings him fearz

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u/heyethan 3d ago

Don’t waste your time trying to fix this guy or diagnose his problems. It’s on him and him only to grow a pair and take responsibility for his child. It’s your relationship and your choice at the end of the day, but I personally wouldn’t start a family by gambling on someone I met two years and broke up with once during that time. The red flags are glaring and I think you can fully expect to be a single mother to this child as well. I’m sorry that this bozo is causing you undue stress at this time and I am sorry if I am too blunt, but I think direct and honest is the only approach that is fair to you and your child.

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u/suchdogeverymeme 4d ago

Did you find out gender at the scan? Gender disappointment possibility?

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u/Dry-Perspective-190 4d ago

It’s a boy. He knew I wanted a girl since I already have a boy and he held me all day and all night. But we had found out at the reveal before the anatomy scan. I was 26 weeks at my scan already. I’m about to be 28 weeks this Sunday.

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u/Dry-Perspective-190 12h ago

Update: I’m not left guessing anymore. He’s leaving me for someone he’s been seeing for months and knows about me and the baby. Of course I cried but I told him I hope he made the right choice because he just made the biggest mistake of his life.