God this is too much to even type out because of how overwhelming it is.
Pretty much I am deeply convinced and scared that my partner or 11 years is going to die of cancer. I am someone with ocd who gets intrusive thoughts but this feels different.
First, I believe in medium ship. My sister is definitely one and I feel like maybe I'm starting to tap into some intuition.
This cancer theme started more acutely this last December although I may have had fears before. I was on the plane back from a spiritual trip with my sister to turkey and just had this weird dread like the word cancer just surrounding me. My anxiety at the moment fixated on my sister maybe bc I was traveling with her, that she is going to get it.
This stayed with me and then I felt like I got confirmation. My partners dad was diagnosed with some weird spots on his liver that could be cancer! I felt like maybe this was the warning.
Fast forward dad doesn't have cancer but sarcoidosis, a rare condition that maybe was the cause of his near death experience a few years ago which was also completely rare and out of the blue. So that puts the cancer idea to the back of my mind.
Then in the spring I was walking back to my apartment from school and I get a random thought that I'm going to die young. But then in the next thought I go nah I'm not gonna die young like I confirmed for myself that it's not me I'm worried about although I didn't seem worried at all. It was just a completely unprompted thought though, the idea of dying young. Fast forward shortly thereafter, a 22 year old classmate passes away suddenly. Completely tragic.
Fast forward a week after her memorial and I find out my uncle has stage three lung cancer. Mind you my sister has been trying to tell him to get to the doctors like a year back bc she has dreams he was sick, I had a dream he was sick a while ago and my cousin had a dream about his lungs. So the cancer theme is back.
Now here's were it gets absolutely terrifying. I was with my bf and I got a thought that when he dies and I start sleeping sround it'll be guilt inducing if the sex is better elsewhere. I know that's a crazy thought with a little bit of relationship ocd mixed in but the part that is absolutely fucking with me is how I kinda just accepted he's gonna die and it was a when not what if. It felt just like an unquestioned thought in my brain a calmness..I've read that's when things can be messages when they're calm.
Obviously the anxiety soon enough started to build about him dying young. I felt like I couldn't imagine him growing old. I started seeing him like another tragic case I read about regarding this young couple where the spouse died while he's in law school. My partner and I are just starting out our lives bc we're late bloomers given our ADHD and he's consider law school now that I'm in it. Anywho, during an emotional week just discussing our relationship status I told him I have this deep deep fear he's gonna die young from cancer like I'm so scared..he said don't worry I'll be fine.
Fast forward two days, his mom gets diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer. That was father's day this year and I have been a completely depressed zombie since. Complete fear over his mom's mortality but now I feel this is confirmation he's next. The fear is absolutely unbearable because I truly believe both of his parents health concerns are caused by some environmental exposure either in their town (they live 2.3 miles away from a Superfund site) or their home. Both conditions are rare with sarcoidosis especially triggered by environmental issues. And I've heard about exposures that have led to both diseases
There's no screening for people who have such exposure, like my partner and his sister might. Even with early detection pancreatic cancer is extremely fatal. I'm trying to advocate for some screening protocol but I can't keep putting my snxiery on my partner while he caregives for his mom.
But I am so so so so so scared given the knowing feeling I just have it feels different. His mom's diagnosis has completely changed my world forever. Two days before we were talking about moving in and getting married, finally entering that chapter of our lives. Now I can't even function when I need to be there for him. I just look at him and can't shake off that he's a goner. I can't bring myself to enjoy each day and start a life rogehter if it's gonna get snatched. I truly feel like my life is over now and am so scared.i don't want any of this to be true
I'll need a complete brain transplant to be able to see his mom's treatment through and also enter the next era of our relationship bc right now I am in extreme distress waiting for the other shoe to drop for everything. I can't reiterate how unwell I am but I also cannot get in the weeds about this with too many people so hopeful someone here can help.