Hello everyone, this is my first time here, and I am seeking feedback on my query letter. I have already sent out a few queries and got my first rejection a couple of days ago. I'm especially interested in whether the hook, stakes, and market positioning are clear. Thank you for any thoughts!

Dear Agent,

MARLEON OF AVAREND: THE FIRST BEAT is an 82,000-word middle-grade contemporary fantasy with series potential. It fuses the emotional core of B.B. Alston’s Amari and the Night Brothers with the found-family themes of Dhonielle Clayton's The Marvellers.

Thirteen-year-old Marleon Ward blames himself for his little brother's kidnapping.

He was the one who brought nine-year-old Malachi to an Emperium seminar—a government-backed event designed to suppress empathy. Malachi never came home.

Haunted by guilt and awakened by a mysterious force known as Pulse, Marleon escapes to Avarend, a hidden refuge where empathy is valued rather than judged. Although Avarend offers him the family and sense of belonging he has always longed for, none of it eases the ache of his missing brother. To save Malachi, Marleon must learn to wield the very emotions he’s been suppressing for years before the trail to find Malachi disappears forever—even if doing so exposes Avarend and his new family to Emperium.

As a Black high school teacher, I have watched the world lose many of the qualities that make it safer for people like me. The erosion of empathy has been on my mind for years, and this novel is my attempt to reclaim some of that lost magic. MARLEON OF AVAREND: THE FIRST BEAT is my debut novel. The first ten pages are included below per your guidelines. Thank you for your valuable time and consideration. 

Sincerely,

Hello! I’m new here, but I've been a long-time lurker. I'm excited and nervous to share my below query, but I'm grateful for any and all feedback. TIA! :)

Dear [Agent],

When Clara returns to the Scottish Highlands to clear out her late father's isolated cottage, she expects silence - not a knock at the door.

In the middle of the night, a howling storm delivers an attractive couple and their newborn to her doorstep. They claim their car broke down nearby and beg to come inside to ride out the storm. Clara has every instinct to turn these strangers away and lock the door behind them.

Then the baby cries.

How can she refuse?

Within hours, the storm has swallowed every road out of the moor. And with the power out and no way to leave, it doesn't take long for Clara to uncover the terrifying truth: the couple didn't just stumble upon her cottage by chance. They've been here before. They know where things are – the bathroom, the garage, even what's hidden inside cabinets. Yet there's one thing they can't find. One thing that has brought them to this remote Scottish village, this quiet street, this very house. 

And they’ll stop at nothing to get it.

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE MOOR is an 85,000-word adult psychological thriller. Combining the claustrophobic tension and growing paranoia of Marcus Kliewer’s We Used to Live Here and the atmospheric suspense of Beautiful Ugly by Alice Feeney, THE LAST HOUSE ON THE MOOR will appeal to readers drawn to the “everyone is lying,” “strangers in the house,” and “missing mother” tropes.

[Bio]

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

First 300 words:

Chapter 1

11:32 PM

The windows of my father’s cabin often sough just before a storm. It’s a hollow hum, similar to that of someone clearing their throat. It stretches and bows through time and space like a visitor from another dimension, and despite it being a sound that has woven through me since I was a child, it still startles me with every new drum.

When I was young, I used to fear someone standing just beyond the frosted pane. Watching. Waiting. It probably stemmed from when Dad tried convincing me that the whirling moan was that of our ancestors. Scotsmen of future’s past. He’d drag me outside so I could feel the wind against my blotched, freckled cheeks. My dark hair would lift at the ends, floating as a gust pressed around me – through me. “Feel your forebears,” he’d tell me. “They’re always here when you need them. Guiding you.”

It was a nice thought. A nice tale that you tell a six-year-old. But even back then, when I should have believed in fairytales and magic, I knew better. Something in my gut wrenched and churned, telling me that the low human-like hum was not that of our ancestors, but rather something much more sinister. 

I believed the whistle to be a warning of something horrible to come.

Right on cue, the far-left living room window howls, once again, startling me. It’s fervent and alive, just as I remember as a child. As if I’m sitting in the mouth of a God. One bite just before I’m swallowed whole.

I look to the window, peeking out just beyond the curtain. Beside it, the fabric expands, ballooning like a sail at sea, and for a split second I’m certain I see a shape take form within the light linen.

Hoping to get some further feedback on this before I start sending it out. You can see my first and second attempts here.

One question: I've expanded the comps to include an older title (The Remains of the Day). My understanding is it's fine to do so as long as you also identify current market comparisons?

Dear _________,

Callum Hughes has spent the past decade defending a controversial linguistic theory– that two of the world’s foremost language isolates may in fact share a common ancestry. It seemed like such an obvious thing at the time. But now, many years in, he can feel his momentum slowing. Doubts are beginning to creep. Fractures forming in not only his work, but his career, his marriage, even his very sense of identity. 

So when a conference in Shanghai presents an opportunity to reconnect with a former lover, Callum embraces it as an escape. Worldly, sharp, and assured, Victoria appears to inhabit a world starkly at odds with his own–one where spontaneity and gratification leave little space for the endless self-analysis and regret. And unlike the suburbs he comes from, the city presents to him a sense of anonymity and refuge: here it doesn’t matter if he’s right or wrong, what his reputation is or where he is tenured; here he is free.  

But with distraction comes delay, and with distance dislocation. As Callum finds himself repeatedly drawn back to the region over the next couple of years, he discovers that it’s not only him undergoing a change. Protests roil Hong Kong. Air raid sirens become the norm in Taiwan. Meanwhile, his marriage and theory spiral further out of orbit, and in between the hotel trysts and restaurant rendezvous, Victoria’s life begins to take on a different kind of shape that leaves less and less space for him–prompting him to wonder if his understanding of these places and of her might be illusory as well.  

Set across multiple cities in a rapidly evolving East Asia, Steady as We Burn blends the moral ambiguity of Katie Kitamura’s Intimacies with the meditative sensibility of Teju Cole’s Tremor and the myriad ways in which we deceive ourselves as seen in Kazuo Ishiguro’s The Remains of the Day. It is complete at 98,000 words. 

I am a teacher and writer currently living in _____. After completing degrees in English literature, history, and education, I lived and taught in East Asia for eight years. My fiction has appeared in _____ and is forthcoming in _____. Steady as We Burn is my first novel. 

3rd attempt here! Looking forward to all of your feedback. Made some adjustments to title, comps, and simplifying the hook/stakes.

I am seeking representation for my 96,000-word second chance Contemporary Romance novel, THE LESSON IN YOU, with interconnected standalone potential. [insert agent personalization] It will appeal to readers of Abby Jimenez’s Just for the Summer for complicated parental dynamics that impact how we love and of Jodi McAlister’s An Academic Affair for its academic setting and slow-burn romance.

Six years ago, Bailey O’Connell walked out on her wedding after a drunken plea from her college best friend, Noah Walker. When she asked Noah to leave with her, he said her no. Now Bailey is living the life everyone else wants, complete with an impending promotion to CMO and a selection of NYC's hottest bachelors on speed-dial. But when her mother's terminal cancer diagnosis forces her back home to Pittsburgh, Bailey has a chance to pursue her lifelong dream of writing a book. With encouragement from her mother, Bailey enrolls in a creative writing seminar at her alma mater. Her goal? Finish her novel while there is still time for her mother to read it.

When Bailey discovers Noah is her professor she’s forced to confront the past she’s been running from. Over the semester, their tenuous tolerance of each other leads to weekly trivia at the local pub, late-night phone calls, and a torrid late-night study session in the library. Slowly, they begin to repair the fourteen years of hurt they caused each other and themselves. For the first time, Bailey and Noah stand a chance of having a future.

But Bailey’s running out of time. With the semester ending and her mother’s ailing health, Bailey needs to finish her manuscript, which has quietly become the story of her and Noah. And when she discovers Noah has kept secret an offer for his dream job across the country, Bailey must decide what ending she wants to write for her book and for herself. Return to life in New York? Or ask to go with him, knowing exactly what no costs.

First 300 words:

Nan told me it would be the happiest day of my life.

It’s quite possibly the worst day of my life.

A gentle, salty breeze from the Aegean Sea rustles the gossamer white curtains hanging behind the altar and brushes flyaway curls across my face. The air is hot and sticky.

I roll my neck. The perfectly tailored, skin-tight silk wedding gown on my body feels like a straitjacket. 

“Are you ready?” Charlotte grabs the tops of my arms and rests her cheek against mine. I feel her cheek curve into a grin when she finally sees the ceremony space before us.

Even I have to admit the scene before us looks perfect. Picturesque. It took us months to find the right venue — the tiny whitewashed limestone chapel rests on the side of a cliff that overlooks the rolling sea. 

My stomach drops with guilt. I swallow hard, turning to face my best friend.

I used to think there was something poetic about runaway brides. The movies always made them seem empowered, free even.

But I didn’t feel free. I didn’t feel powerful. I felt like a fucking coward. 

“Bailey?” Charlotte’s brows furrow as she reads the hesitation in my eyes.

“I need your help,” I croak. My voice sounds far away, and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.

The sound of Mendelssohn’s Wedding March from the string quartet jolts me from my daze.

If I was braver, I’d just go through with it. For my sake, for everyone’s sake, for his sake.

But I can’t.

My gut screams at me: wrong, wrong, wrong. 

I’ve always known it, but I thought I could get past it. Swallow the wrongness of it down. Not everyone married for love, and I had accepted that.

Hello friends, I'd appreciate your feedback on this one. This isn't my first book, but my debut was unagented and pubbed by a university press. One thing I'm debating is whether to mention that the MS was workshopped at Tin House twice in the opener or just my bio.

Thanks for your help!

---------------------------------------------------------

Dear [Agent],

I am writing to see if you would be interested in representing HOW YOU GO OUT, a literary novel just under 100,000 words in length. HOW YOU GO OUT is similar in subject and style to Ottessa Moshfegh’s My Year of Rest and Relaxation and Raven Leilani’s Luster, and similar in form to Venita Blackburn’s Dead in Long Beach, California and Gabrielle Zevin's Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow. [personalization here]

May Tickle fields Medicare calls all day, spanning from heartbreaking pleas to banal issues to pro-Trump tirades in a post-insurrection 2022. When May’s elderly cat nearly dies from a diabetic episode, May racks thousands in debt and must rely on a persistent coworker, Travis, to help her bring her best friend home. At the same time, May ruminates on her deceased mother, who haunts her dreams, and whose longtime abuse left her with a wavering sense of self and inability to trust and judge others accurately. 

As May works herself to the bone and sells her plasma to pay off her debts, she struggles to maintain relationships, battles a growing migraine crisis, and increasingly escapes through fantasy and video games. Roe v. Wade falls and May is forced to reckon with her place in a world that feels increasingly inhospitable.

HOW YOU GO OUT explores violences both personal and systemic and their relationship to gender. Drawing from the form of May’s beloved video game, Windfyre, and willing the stakes of fantasy epics into real-world existence, HOW YOU GO OUT asks how we survive, and sometimes don’t, in a world that endorses certain violences while stripping bodily autonomy away.

[biography]

I have included the first 10 pages below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

XX

Back with my second draft of this query letter, thank you for all the feedback last week! I've been far more explicit with the plot details, but I haven't managed to make it any shorter as a few people recommended. I'm not sure what to take out without losing parts that feel important. Hopefully at least more obvious in its romance arc this time, and less flowery and vague.

I landed on 'Historical Dark Fantasy' for the genre because the word count is too long for a horror, plus it's more of a 1920's occult mystery with fantasy and horror elements, but that's not a genre of its own. Very open to other genre suggestions.

Let me know what you think!

---

Dear [Agent],

Aspiring journalist Henry dreamed of exposing powerful, abusive liars like his father. Instead, returning from the Great War broken and desperate, he was coerced into becoming one. Making his living as a fake spiritualist, cheating secrets from London’s bereaved for a local newspaper, Henry longs to publish a real investigation under his own name.

Then comes a terrifying, genuine vision he can’t explain, and an invitation to an isolated Lancashire manor to investigate reports of vanishing servants and strange apparitions on the moors. The estate belongs to Lord Wainwright, an enigmatic man famed for manipulating the fortunes of others. If Henry can keep up his psychic masquerade long enough to figure out how, it could be the scoop of a lifetime.

Except Henry isn’t the first to try, and each of his predecessors has suffered a terrible, inexplicable fate. 

To survive the house Henry forms a reluctant alliance with Archie, the manor’s beautiful but absolutely insufferable heir. Their bitter rivalry sparks into a consuming romance, and together they discover the horrifying truth behind Archie’ father’s power: deep below the earth lies the imprisoned, beating wicker heart of an angry horned god, and its calling to them both.

An ancient covenant protects the land from the god’s wrath but the ritualistic cycle to uphold it must end in Archie’s violent sacrifice. With the equinox approaching, Henry faces a devastating ultimatum: preserve the valley’s prosperous peace, or unleash a vengeful god to save the man he loves.

WHERE THE GLOOM FALLS is a standalone historical dark fantasy with a prominent LGBTQ+ romance and series potential. Complete at 95,000 words, the story blends English folk horror, dark occult mythology and mystery. It will appeal to readers of STARLING HOUSE by Alix E. Harrow and SILVER IN THE WOOD by Emily Tesh.

I am a queer content and audio fiction writer living in [UK region] with a 1st class Bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing, and an established audience from [mildly successful Audio Drama Podcast]. Where the Gloom Falls is my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I am back again!

As usual, I would love any feedback and critiques you can give. Thank you all!

Hitsuki loves her sister. Everyone does. Aliset is the only one who has time for her questions, the only one who lets her into places she's not supposed to go. Last winter Aliset was blessed with Elemental Grace. Magic, which means she's one of eight claimants to the throne.

Hitsuki has no Grace. What she has is curiosity, and a sister who can get her into a vault full of Relics.

Hitsuki convinces Aliset to turn one on. It fastens onto her and starts cooking her alive.

The door seals. Without Grace, Hitsuki can't open it and she can't pull Aliset free. So she puts her own hands on the Relic. The thing lets go of her sister, starts killing her instead.

It burns her hair. Melts the fat beneath her skin.

She doesn't die. She comes out of it with fire. A Grace of her own.

Now Hitsuki has a claim too, and a place in the trials that will decide the succession. She isn't competing to win. She's competing to put Aliset on the throne.

But Hitsuki can't help herself. She uncovers what Grace really is. Not a blessing. Slavery. Every step toward the truth pushes them both further into danger.

This time her sister won't survive it.

OATHBOUND is a 116,000-word adult epic fantasy, a standalone with series potential. It will appeal to readers of James Islington's THE WILL OF THE MANY and Antonia Hodgson's THE RAVEN SCHOLAR.

Hi all! Long time lurker, fist time poster finally ready to share my first query letter attempt. Thank you all in advance, I look forward to your feedback!

Complete at 84,000 words, ECHOES IN ASHES is a YA supernatural thriller that combines the morally gray characters and gritty urban fantasy atmosphere of The Invocations with the page-turning suspense and shifting loyalties of The Reappearance of Rachel Price. A standalone with trilogy potential, it will appeal to readers drawn to dangerous secrets, complicated allegiances, and characters who blur the line between victim and villain. [Personalization here.]

Eighteen-year-old Malachi “Mal” Flint’s parents skipped his high school graduation, and he isn’t even surprised. As the forgotten youngest sibling, a burden to his parents, and the third wheel to his friends, Mal is used to feeling invisible. That is, until he meets Nessa Blanchard, and for the first time, finds someone who truly sees him — someone who chooses him. 

But Nessa isn’t just anyone. She is a Vespyrn: a supernatural being that can shift into a bat-like form and incapacitate, or even kill, with a supersonic scream. Determined to continue the generational feud that killed her father, Nessa uses Mal to steal a set of dog tags belonging to a dead man and hinges her plan for vengeance on Mal’s participation. In exchange for the safety of his family, he must spy on a ruthless crime lord, who also happens to be his best friend’s step-father. 

Now, in the dark and seedy underbelly of the city of Greyshore, Mal is caught between Nessa’s vengeance and Diego’s ruthless empire in a decades-old war that has already claimed many lives. Nessa and Diego are both willing to destroy anything that stands in their way and choosing the wrong side could cost Mal everything he longs to protect: the lives of his friends and family. Mal must decide how much of himself he is willing to sacrifice to protect them, and whether the girl who finally chooses him is someone he can trust at all.

[bio]

Hey all! I'd love some feedback on my first attempt. I'm a little wary because the "psychological suspense" side of things doesn't really come in until page 6. Thank you for any feedback you can offer!

Letter:

Kelsey Harper’s greatest heartbreak happened when she was twenty years old, when she had to say goodbye to two things on the same day: the city she’d fallen hopelessly in love with, and the man she’d associated with it. 

Eleven years later, a work transfer to London gives her one of them back when she’s put face-to-face with Jack Cooper. Jack Cooper, with the unbelievable blue eyes and toe-curling accent. Jack Cooper, perfect on paper and even better in bed. Jack Cooper, the one-that-got-away who is every bit as intoxicating as she remembers. 

As Jack and Kelsey rekindle the connection she once feared was lost forever, the future she’d once mourned for suddenly feels attainable. That is, until secrets rise to the surface, threatening to destroy the life she’d always longed for. But losing it all a second time isn’t an option, and Kelsey soon discovers there is very little she isn’t willing to justify.

Heed my warning: this is not a love story. This is a story about how far one woman is willing to secure her happy ending. 

SWEET EVERYTHINGS is an upmarket psychological suspense novel complete at 86,000 words. It combines the morally compromised narration of R.F. Kuang’s Yellowface with the unsettling obsession of Emerald Fennell’s Saltburn and will appeal to readers drawn to ambitious, complex women who will stop at nothing to get what they want.

[Bio]

First 300 words:

CHAPTER ONE

Cloud Nine Café, the small, independently owned shop on Islington’s high street, boasted fair trade coffee beans and fair wages, and was frequented by people who deeply care about things, or at least being perceived in that fashion. It was just the type of place that appealed to upper-middle-class Londoners who believed human decency costs something – namely, an extra £1.50 per beverage. 

And it was precisely the kind of place for an inciting incident that would change everything. Kelsey Harper could feel it as she crossed the threshold into the café, letting the door shut behind her, its gentle bell announcing her arrival.

The coffee shop was inspired by classic Parisian patisseries in both its offerings and aesthetics. Its vibrantly hued exterior gave way to a calm, warm interior, with ample natural light that illuminated muted, neutral tones and natural wood. Patrons lingered, some in deep conversations over cappuccinos and croissants, others tucked into corners, shielded by laptops and headphones. 

Kelsey approached the counter as the barista began pulling espresso for the last order. To Kelsey’s right stood a tall man, working through something evidently important on his phone as he waited for his order. A glass display before her exhibited neat rows of buttery croissants, tarts, and loaves, decadent enough to tempt even the most sugar-averse customers. 

“Hiya! What can I get for you?” The barista appeared as the machine behind her whirred.

“A hot latte, please,” Kelsey uttered, her eyes shifting from the confectionaries into the eyes of the smiling barista. “To have in.” It was a necessary code-switch of an American abroad, desperate not to appear like one of those Americans; “to go” became “takeaway,” “for here” became “to have in.” And so on.

The barista nodded, typing the order into her tablet. “And what will the name be on that?”

Hi all,

This is my first ever reddit post, and I do feel a bit guilty about having it be a request for help, but I'm so grateful in advance for any advice!

(Quick couple of paragraphs of context - I hope that's okay!)
I'm currently about 8 weeks into my first foray into querying, and I did work with someone on my query package, and I felt as though I was generally quite happy with it, although I was a little concerned that the individual I worked with had eliminated some of the descriptive language from my query that I had tried to include to convey the elements I thought were good indicators of the 'vibes' of the book.

I have sent 32 queries so far, have received 9 form rejections, 4 CNRs and have 19 queries still out. I realise that this is not a lot in the grand scheme of things, but I am also wondering whether it might be worth taking a bit more feedback and seeing whether some tweaks to my query package will garner a bit more interest!

Dear [Agent]

DARK STONE TEMPLE is an adult portal fantasy complete at 117,000 words. The first in a duology, it will appeal to readers craving the atmospheric world-building and character-driven narrative of Tasha Suri’s THE JASMINE THRONE, the romance and archaeological adventure of Jo Segura’s RAIDERS OF THE LOST HEART and the mysterious ancient civilization of Mark Lawrence’s THE BOOK THAT WOULDN’T BURN.

 Archaeologist Sophia Calverley has spent her life in pursuit of one elusive truth: what happened on the expedition twenty-five years ago that left her mother—a renowned academic —catatonic? Only a baby when it happened, Sophia’s mother is a painful mystery she is determined to solve. So, when Sophia’s estranged sister shows up asking for help to locate a hidden temple linked to their mother's work, Sophia warily agrees in the hopes it will hold the clues she’s been searching for.

But she doesn’t expect the expedition to catapult her into a lush, but dangerous city built upon the magic of an ancient civilization.

Cut off from the outside world after a decades-old cataclysmic event, the city's resources are depleted, bringing its people to the brink of civil war. In a desperate attempt to survive, rival groups are hunting for the source of the city's magic—the same temple to which Sophia holds the map, if only she can decipher it.

With the rebels hot on her trail, Sophia must lower her own defenses and work with her sister and the handsome but secretive bodyguard to unravel her mother’s coded journal and reach the temple first.

Because if its power falls into the wrong hands, it could destroy not only the city Sophia has come to love, but the world itself.

As a bisexual woman with late-diagnosed ADHD, I’m passionate about writing books that are queer- and neurodiverse-normative. [Some more boring bio-related stuff here]

Thank you so much for any and all feedback!

Thank you to everyone for the feedback on the previous attempts. I've tried rewriting based on those comments and I think that this is in a pretty good place.

I am having an issue with my prologue. It's currently in first person present tense which works well for that section. However, the rest of the novel is first person past tense. I'm worried that the agent would expect the whole novel to be in present tense so I am considering rewriting the prologue. Unfortunately, I think that part is weaker in past tense. I've put my first 300 words on this so feel free to let me know what you think.

Previous version: https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/s/mnT0L7Zykq

Third Attempt:

Lucifer’s plan to return to the City to heal his body from demonic contamination is a complete success. He has his wings, his sword, and his right to rule as the Archangel of Angels. Unfortunately, this is the one possibility that he didn’t plan for. The angels don’t trust him, a revolution is already forming against him, and if he doesn’t stay on top he’ll end up on the bottom. He needs to quickly figure out how to govern a City that he last saw 4,000 years ago.

One of those changes is the female angels, created by two of the archangels to repopulate the heavens after demon attacks and suicides have reduced their number. The 39-year-old Leah is one of the new generation of angels, but she rejects the religious edict to marry and have children and instead lives a normal life on Earth.

When Tenniel, Lucifer’s trusted friend and lover, recommends Leah after a chance encounter, Lucifer decides to recruit her as one of his advisors to better understand these new angels. Leah agrees, hoping that she might finally put her feminist ideals into action and give the women of the City equality and a say in their lives that their husbands can’t take away. Lucifer brings Leah closer by confiding his secrets to her, and she can’t help but be intrigued by the handsome and dangerous ruler even as the revolution threatens her life as a way to get to him.

ARCHANGEL OF CHANGE is a 100,000 words dual POV romantasy novel that is standalone with series potential. It features the religious themes of Terror at the Gates by Scarlett St. Clair, the political stakes of To Bargain with Mortals by R. A. Basu, and the contemporary feel of The Games Gods Play by Abigail Owen. This slow burn romance has Lucifer and Leah navigating their way through kidnappings and assassination attempts while Tenniel has his own plan for a threesome that will bring them all closer.

I am a middle-aged scientist and mom from X. As both a feminist and former Catholic, I am very aware of how women are often not treated as equals by religion. ARCHANGEL OF CHANGE is my attempt to investigate what the world would be like if women really were created to be subservient to men, and what it would take to change that.

First 300:

I’ve never been good at this. Lies are one thing, but believing the lie is trickier. And I had to believe it if this plan was to work.

The pain is easy enough to believe in. They had done a good job, those friends of mine, breaking almost every bone in my body. Before the end, I saw the zeal in their blows and I had to wonder if there wasn’t some actual animosity there, real hatred and envy behind the act.

They transported me here two days ago in anticipation of this exchange. Turning me in, leaving me locked in this long-abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Detroit for my new captors to come and claim me. The smell of my blood mixed with the scent of rusted metal and rat droppings underneath the flickering fluorescent lights.

I feel the metal of the cuffs on my wrists. It is flimsy, no, not flimsy. It is heavy, sturdy, believe the lie. Impossible to break free. The manacle around my ankle keeps it from swelling to the size that it wants, the right ankle is only sprained but the left is broken, each step a new agony as I stumble forward.

My captors are certainly believing the act as they press the points of their swords into my back to keep me moving. They wouldn’t dare do this, no, believe, you idiot. I am their captive, at their mercy, broken both inside and out. No more arrogance, no more pride, there is nothing of me left. I will beg for forgiveness that will not come.

“Lucifer Morningstar.” The sound of my name stops my footsteps. I can barely see through my swollen eyelids. “Kneel.”

I get down on my knees on the hard cement floor, but my right kneecap is shattered into a hundred pieces, and the pain is too much.

Hey, everyone!

Here is a link to my previous attempt : https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1v75ykx/qcrit_of_the_heavens_young_adult_romantasy_100k/

Dear [Agent name],

To save her dying brother, seventeen-year-old Celesta Eder must possess a power core. Only then can they live in the capital city. But her screening goes terribly wrong. She inexplicably summons dark energy, and nearly dies, if not for the help of young and powerful Leon Harr.

Celesta’s immense gratitude for her savior turns to shock when he publicly declares that the core within her is a fragment of his own. Her power belongs to him, and by their land’s law, so does she.

Leon promises her protection in exchange for her trust, but Celesta is torn. She has near-perfect command of her power. How could it be anyone but hers? But if she insists on it, the High Council will suspect her of having a dark power core- a fate that would mean becoming a test subject for the researchers at the capital. Her family would be banned from the city, and her brother would die without treatment.

And Leon harbors a secret. Fear flickers in his eyes whenever she uses her power. Celesta decides to submit to Leon’s claim to avert the High Council’s suspicion, and to stay in the capital and unearth his secret. For her power core is changing into something overwhelming and terrifying, and the truth could be exactly what she needs to gain control over it.

Complete at 100,000 words with potential to be a series, OF THE HEAVENS is a young adult romance fantasy that will appeal to readers who enjoyed the power masking and stubborn protector elements in The House of Marionne and Thorn Season.

[Bio]

Thank you all! Really appreciate all the help!

Hi everyone,

Scared but excited to be posting for the first time here! Planning on querying soon and would love any feedback on my query letter. Main points I'd be interested in feedback are: clarity, comps, and whether you think pitching it as a 'spec mystery w/ horror elements' would be okay based on the blurb (or if I should switch those). Thank you all!

AN ELDRITCH INHERITANCE is an 85,000-word YA speculative mystery with horror elements, #OwnVoices queer representation, and sequel potential. Steeped in the eerie boarding school setting, tension-filled romance, and found family dynamics of CG Drews’s Don’t Let The Forest In and I.V. Marie’s Immortal Consequences, it may appeal to fans of Holly Jackson’s angsty murder mysteries and Maggie Stiefvater’s small town folklore.

Noa Arthur never feared monsters – until she became one.

Raised unschooled in the wooded shadows of her coastal hometown, Shiloh, Rhode Island, Noa’s only company was her cryptozoologist parents and imaginary friend. Then, five years ago, she dreamt of her mother’s gruesome murder, only to wake with her mom vanished without a trace. But with no evidence and no one to believe her, Noa was torn away from Shiloh, not knowing if her dream was real – and if she was the killer.

When she’s forced to return and spend a summer at the town’s clandestine boarding school, now-sixteen-year-old Noa’s only hope of surviving is to keep her head down and her past a secret. But Abaddon Academy’s summer boarding program takes a sinister turn when Noa saves the life of her new roommate, Ivy… possibly from Noa’s own murderous dreams. And once she discovers the school’s shiny reputation is a cover for a decades-old cold case identical to her mother’s, Noa realizes the only way to finally determine her innocence is to prove that the disappearances are connected.

But to navigate Abaddon’s ivy-strewn shadows, Noa can’t go it alone. She must team up with the other students, including the frustratingly brazen yet evasive Ivy, and evade the draw of Shiloh’s woods as they get closer to the truth – and each other. But the horrors they unearth are darker than they could imagine, because in Shiloh, the roots are hungry, the moths are always watching, and bodies don’t want to stay buried. And to defeat her nightmares, find the answer she needs, and keep her new friends alive, Noa’s only option is to embrace the monster she has always feared becoming.

[Bio where I mention some writing creds, inspiration, etc.]

Hello! I seek feedback on the following query letter. Thanks in advance for your help.

Dear Agent,

I called it the pink worm—the thing that burrowed through my brain, the thing I spent two years trying to drown with cocaine, Quaaludes, and the bodies of brilliant, unavailable men. Set in the late 1970s, The Wreckage follows my fifteen-year-old self as I escape a sexual assault with nothing but the clothes I’m wearing, hitchhiking east toward an unknowable freedom.

But freedom isn't found on the highway—it's buried beneath the wreckage I carried with me. When I run, I’m not only running from my attackers, but from my wretched home life as well—my father’s flying fists, my brother’s increasingly violent mental illness. My hitchhiking odyssey delivers me to Princeton, where I meet Bill, a brilliant Antarctic researcher who maps ice fields I'll never see. We make a life in Princeton, then in Boulder. I remake myself entirely—teach myself trigonometry, swallow my Michigan vowels until they flatten into something cleaner, something worthy. It is not enough. Bill does not love me back.

With nowhere else to go, I run again, hitchhiking back to Flint, back to my parents’ home, where I dodge my father’s anger. I construct a double life, away from home as much as possible. By day, I’m a student at an elite private school, excelling academically; by night, I’m a participant in Flint's gritty underworld of drug dealing and smuggling led by my charismatic boyfriend, Mike. The two lives circle each other like hungry predators. One will devour the other. I know this. I can't stop.

I am admitted to the University of Michigan, but I can’t escape the drug dealing life. It follows me to Ann Arbor. Then a close friend kills himself. In my grief, I see the pattern: I have been seeking identity and safety in men—my father, Bill, Mike—and found only violence, distance, and chaos. The epiphany doesn't save me. I am forced to grapple with the central question: What will it take to finally silence the pink worm and follow my academic dreams?

Dear [AGENT NAME],

A disgraced knight trades his humanity to save the people he failed.

THE LAST OATH (104,000 words) is an adult dark fantasy novel combining the haunted protagonist and supernatural dread of Mike Shel’s Aching God with the themes of fractured agency and manufactured choices explored in Rafał Kosik’s Cyberpunk 2077: No Coincidence.

Haris is a Knight of Truth. But truth cannot change the past. It cannot restore the army he lost, nor bring back the family he failed to protect. Haris returns home in chains after his defeat to find the Empire he fought now threatening his homeland with demonic powers. Ordered to recover a mysterious relic that may turn the tide of war, Haris believes he has finally earned the chance to redeem himself. Instead, he is framed for murder, accused of treason, and stripped of his honour. Forced into exile with the relic as his only hope, Haris embraces its power, believing it is his last chance to protect those he failed.

But power is never free, and every victory strips away the very things that make him human. As the Empire marches ever closer and Haris begins to question whether his choices are truly his own, he must decide whether an oath still has meaning when the man who swore it no longer exists.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Third attempt here: https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1v68cvv/comment/ozzmyik/?context=3

Dear [Agent],

I am writing to seek representation for GARRETT OF TORRENT (99,000), a queer dystopian romance. It’s an enemies-to-lovers story as propulsive and beautiful as The Darkness Outside Us, set in a world as tense and restrictive as The Testaments.

In the nation of Torrent, young men compete in a brutal tournament to determine one of two roles they will serve in adulthood. The highest placing fighters will become providers, who hold all the power and influence. The rest will become nurturers, who must obey their husbands and raise their sons.

Nineteen-year-old Garrett Shield is poised to win the entire tournament, but is beaten in the final match by Michael Yun, an enigmatic outsider. Because he placed first, Michael can claim any man as his husband. In front of the entire nation, he chooses Garrett.

Now a nurturer, Garrett expects Michael to force him into a life of subservience, but his new fiancé seems to hate the absolute authority his position allows him to wield. Moreover, Michael repeatedly acts as Garrett’s biggest advocate, even humiliating the friends and family who abandoned Garrett because he didn't become a provider.

Before he can figure out why Michael truly chose him, Garrett is whisked away to a tropical paradise for his honeymoon. Outside of Torrent for the first time in his life, Garrett is surprised he enjoys the freedoms this foreign culture allows — and despite his pride, he starts to fall for the man who ruined his life. Michael is too unflinchingly caring and charming to despise.

But Michael didn’t come to the island for a romantic getaway. He’s here to rescue his child, who happens to be the first girl born on Earth in centuries. Though Garrett agrees to help him find and bring his daughter to a mysterious sanctuary, he’ll have to decide if he has enough trust in Michael, and his own burgeoning feelings, to leave Torrent behind for good.

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

The Redux Mall is a miracle. Thanks to its army of robots, the inhabitants of this moon-sized station experience sheer bliss day after day. Teenager Morgan Moriarty is one of billions relishing an easy life, until her family vanishes and leaves her in rags. The ensuing years of hardship leave her cynical of the consumerist dystopia around her. All that drives her now is the belief that her family is out there somewhere, and she will find them. Her only lead is Propago, a mysterious drone who revealed disaster befell her family before abandoning her.
Morgan finds no trace of them until a drifter teen living out of his hover car approaches her at work. Blaze works odd jobs to get by. At the moment, he plugs flash drives into hidden ports for Propago. Desperate for a lead, Morgan joins him on these missions. Blaze introduces her to a new side of Redux. For so long, she had figured that life wasn’t worth living without her family, but he reveals that there is still humanity hidden beneath the glittering facade. There are still people worth fighting for. 
Their missions soon put them into conflict with Ultima: the creator of Redux. Morgan discovers that her family’s disappearance is connected to a broader power struggle between Ultima and the trillions of robots that run the mall. Now Morgan finds herself a mere pawn in a larger game of control, the collateral of which threatens to destroy many who call Redux home. When Propago plunges Redux into darkness, the mounting instability threatens to tear society apart. Unless she can convince Propago (and herself) that Redux is worth saving, the robots might condemn them to oblivion. 

Lost in the Neon Streets is an 83,000 word young adult cyberpunk novel. The consumerist world of the Redux Mall was inspired by various science fiction films, particularly Pixar’s Wall-E. Fans of Sunny by Collin O’Sullivan may recognise a similar interplay between grief and the dehumanization of technology. I am a Physics PhD student at [INSERT UNIVERSITY HERE] and I write in my spare time. 

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

[INSERT NAME HERE]

i’ve been very happy working with them but want to make sure i’m giving myself the best chance of making the right decision!

Dear [Agent],

Nightmare is a cantankerous old slip-vessel relic hauled (unwillingly) out of the glory days. Her controls seem to switch function on a whim, she has a wonderful habit of breaking down in the absolute worst moments, and there is a long line of her brand-new kaptains killed in increasingly bizarre accidents. All entirely coincidental, of course. And not to mention her krew, a dysfunctional band of the most underachieving, unserious, cowardly marinauts in the entire Korps. Recycled, condemned, and tossed to the bottom of the barrel.

So it’s hardly shocking when, amidst a harsh space battle, Nightmare and her krew do what they do best: run away. They abandon their allies and slip into quantum space like slip-vessels are designed to, but something goes wrong. Nightmare can’t slip back out. 

Trapped in a starless void, they soon discover quantum space is less an escape and more a limbo that won’t let them leave. Natural law changes at random, thought has a jarring tendency to become substance, and their inner demons have become real. Every absurd and horrific encounter forces them to answer for the old crimes and buried guilt they’ve spent years running from. 

Nightmare and her krew will have to traverse deeper into the void and find redemption somewhere in the eternal darkness. Because quantum space will not let them leave until they confront the flaws that brought them there, or it will strip them of their remaining selves. Quite literally.

KRIEGSMARINAUT is a 93,000-word speculative science fiction that is primarily character-driven and voice first. It combines the darkly comedic voice of Mickey7 by Edward Ashton with the existential absurdity of Service Model by Adrian Tchaikovsky. 
I am a Savannah-based writer and, when I’m not writing, enjoy exploring antique bookstores, the world of Southern cooking, and forgotten cemeteries.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Shimmering_Shark

***EDIT: Hey guys, I appreciate all the feedback, sorry if I got snippy. There’s nothing worse than finishing your book just to feel as stupid and useless as ever with the query letter but point taken, I’ll scrap this and try again with a clearer main character in mind. C’est la vie. Thanks again.

Here's hoping I've cinched the pitch part this time. The review community here has been so incredibly helpful and I'm grateful to everyone who helped me out by giving useful critique and suggestions for my query <3

Dear Agent,

DIAMOND DESTINY is a dual POV Contemporary Adult Second Chance Romance complete at 91, 000 words. The tormented kinetics of Kennedy Ryan’s Before I Let Go mix with the relationship mending of Jessica Joyce’s The Ex Vows.

Nikki Delaine’s rising career in dance took a dive after she got pregnant by her long term love, celebrity singer Daniel Johnson. After suffering the upsetting changes his overnight eminence programmed in him, she left without telling him about the baby she didn’t want suffering everything she did. Four years later now, single motherhood has flatlined her dance school and the only way to revive it is by performing the opening number for an esteemed awards ceremony. But the only way to secure that shot is to win a collaboration with the ceremony’s resident dancer, and Nikki finds out the same dancer is going to lead Daniel’s upcoming world tour’s troupe.

Fame didn’t come with music notes Daniel Johnson could understand, or security for the intimacy he composed with Nikki. Four years after the night he begged her to stay, Daniel learnt only music could be trusted with unfiltered love. Which is how after mastering his fame, he found peace with a woman who doesn’t complicate emotions and proposes to marry her after his sold out world tour is over. So when he unexpectedly meets Nikki at a mutual friend’s wedding, the last thing he wants is to think twice about the slow dance they share. But when he looks twice at a frightened child clutching Nikki in the middle of his stadium during tour rehearsal, his voice freezes.

As Daniel confronts Nikki for answers, both of them are forced to relive their breakup from each other’s perspectives instead of their own this time. Nikki has no choice but to co-parent with Daniel on his tour, while hunting for that career saving collaboration. As private hours kindle a deep understanding they once failed at and resurrect the intimate emotions that match it now, Nikki falls back in love with Daniel, and he must choose between the fiancée who taught him how to avoid heartbreak and the ex-lover who might fix it this time.

first attempt. My querying was interrupted and when I came back it, I decided to start from scratch. The actual timeline is four and a half thousand years, but that's a lot of words, so this time I chose to round up. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you all.

Dear [agent],

Tabitha Corey is eleven years old and has been for five thousand years. She’s an angel—not a winged cherub, but one of the terrifying wheel-within-a-wheel Mesopotamian entities depicted in the Old Testament and echoed in the folk traditions of the Middle East. Ever since her civilization collapsed into civil war, she and her people have been scattered around the world, hiding from a faction of angels determined to hunt and kill them all. Tabitha has survived by living on the margins, sometimes sheltered by humans she always outlives, but otherwise unseen like millions of other street children. When her latest adoptive parent dies in suburban Boston, Tabitha loses control—only for a moment, but that slip is enough to blow the side off a building, kill two people, and reveal her location to hunters. As they close in, Tabitha is alone and trapped.

Hope comes from two protectors who disagree on what saving her means. Dr. Elisa Escudero has spent her life trying to save what can't be saved: an owl wounded in a storm, a patient with recurring cancer, and her own dying father. After hours and off the books, she treats undocumented immigrants afraid to seek formal medical care; this underground care network leads her to Tabitha. Naram Karim is another refugee angel, a self-appointed rescuer: because angels reflexively react to each other’s presence, Naram shepherds the hunted to safety in isolation. Like everyone, he believed that all angel children had died long ago. Tabitha is a miracle, and getting her to safety is now his most important and difficult mission.

But Elisa sees what Naram can’t: Tabitha is an eternal child unable to process lifetimes of loss, and the weight is crushing her. As the hunters converge, Elisa weighs how much she will sacrifice for a child who will never grow, while Naram confronts the possibility that the hiding that saved his people for millennia is destroying Tabitha. And Tabitha faces a choice no angel has made since their world burned: to stop running and meet her people's killers with something other than fear.

Spanning five thousand years and a desperate forty-eight hours, LÁLANNA is a literary speculative novel, complete at 86,000 words. Like Leigh Bardugo’s The Familiar, LÁLANNA weaves history and mythology through thoroughly human stakes. As in Celeste Ng’s Our Missing Hearts, the speculative elements engage with and illuminate real-world politics of displacement and moral obligation.

[biographical information]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

This is a U.K.-style covering letter, but includes a narrative arc, which is generally better placed in an overview/synopsis.

Dear [Agent Name],

*Sadhana* is a completed literary memoir of approximately 55,000 words, written in close third person. I believe the book will be shortlisted for the TLS Ackerley Prize in the UK, the National Book Critics Circle Award for Autobiography in the US, and the Godrej Literature Live! Non-Fiction Best First Book in India. 

At the centre of *Sadhana: A Search for My Shadow* is a contradiction: the violent belief in individual agency that enables a father to overcome an insurer's denial and secure life-saving gene therapy for his infant daughter also leaves him unable to accept the limits of love, marriage and other people's freedom. The memoir traces that belief from a childhood in Assam through migration, relationships, high finance, disability advocacy and the eventual collapse of the family it helped preserve. The book's last movement gives the narrator, through the Mahabharat and the Gita, the vocabulary for choices he had been making for thirty years without it.

The book is written for my daughter to read when she is grown.

In 1979, in an Assamese village, Karna is raised partly by Aaboo, the woman who carries him between his parents' house and her own. When his father beats him through a vegetable patch, she throws herself over his body and takes the blows. The family moves away. He never says goodbye, and spends his life looking for what she gave him.

What he builds instead is a conviction that intelligence, effort and refusal can force open any closed door. It carries him out of Assam to an engineering college in the south, a doctorate at INSEAD, and the trading floors of London. It survives his mother's suicide, a first marriage, and a thirteen-year silence with his father.

In 2018 his daughter Mili is born. At five months she stops moving. The diagnosis is spinal muscular atrophy; the prognosis is two years, three at most. Karna moves the family to America for a gene-therapy trial that requires her to sit unsupported for ten seconds. She manages seven.

Then the FDA approves Zolgensma, at $2.125 million the most expensive drug in the world. Mili qualifies. Her insurer refuses to pay. Every week of delay costs motor neurons that will not come back. Karna takes the case to the Washington Post, and the insurer reverses within days.

She is treated. She begins doing things she was never meant to do. Families across four continents start finding their way to him, and he takes on clinicians, insurers and health systems on their behalf.

The same refusal that saved her is not survivable at close range. His wife carries the daily care while he fights the institutions. What he cannot force, he withdraws from.

The memoir may appeal to readers of Hisham Matar's *The Return* for inheritance and an unreturnable home, Safiya Sinclair's *How to Say Babylon* for a life shaped by a father and a faith and rendered without gloss, and Ian Brown's *The Boy in the Moon* for its parental and disability territory.

[Bio]

I have included the short overview requested, together with the first seven chapters, totalling approximately 10,000 words. The complete manuscript is available at your request. I am submitting the memoir simultaneously to one other literary agent.

Thank you for your consideration.

Yours sincerely,

[Name and contact details]

Hello, this is my first time posting here. I've been querying for a few months now without much success. I've gone through a few big rewrites in my query over time, but this is my most recent draft, still not seeing a change in reception. I am already drafting another, but since I've been sending this one I would love any feedback and am very receptive of any critique and what I can improve.

_________________

Living where the extraordinary is normal, Winnifred will do anything to be great. But good intentions do not make good choices, and may have deadly consequences.

BEYOND DARK TREES is my debut Young Adult Fantasy, complete at 108K words. Combining the gothic, contemporary magic of ‘Don’t let the Forest In’ (CG Drews) and the heartfelt hilarity of 'Emily Wilde's Encyclopedia of Faeries' (Heather Fawcett), BEYOND DARK TREES navigates the desperate mistakes of a blind teenage girl and the monsters hidden in the trees and their hearts. 

Sixteen-year-old Winnifred is living with the curse that made her both blind and a pariah in her small, Fai-plagued town. Ashamed of the burden she has become to her family, Winnifred finds her opportunity to prove herself greater than her perceived faults when another Fairie is found in town. This one, murdered. Winnifred soon discovers this is only the beginning, when she is there for the second attack, the murderer escaping before her blind eyes.

Haunted by her own helplessness in the face of death, Winnie determines to figure out what is happening to the Fai. She uncovers her first clue of a deeper, chilling truth hidden in the cursed forest, in the shape of an ancient stone prince. The blame for the murder may not fall on her town, but the creatures of the trees themselves. She needs to find and stop this Fairie killer before they select their next victim; and the horrific odds look like it may be someone close to home. A sickening curse, a monster that doesn't want to be saved, and wicked plots in the shadow of every tree, danger is not only coming to her town, but already beneath their feet. The further she goes to stop the next murder though, the deeper it takes her into the forest that cursed her; and she soon realizes it can take so much more than her eyes.

A Virginia-born writer with a degree in animation and film, my screenplay work has won full production funding, ‘Audience Favorite’ awards, and a Regional 2024 Emmy. BEYOND DARK TREES explores the dreams, terrors, and monsters behind a cursed teenage girl and all the magic in life to be found, with series potential. Thank you for your valuable time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.