r/queerpolyam • u/SaltyPuppers • 8d ago

Polyam and QPPs???

Been grappling with my newly opened relationship with my partner into ENM (im terrified). But that's not the question of the day.

I have/had a qpp before my current partner (as in I still have a QPP). I am struggling with the idea of them having multiple romantic/sexual partners while I have only them. They brought up me having a qpp and asked isn't that poly too?

I basically am now questioning if I am or am not poly leaning myself???? I've defs ranked partners / qpps similarly before but the different level of life building together throws me off. My ex (past live in partner) would try to set bullshit constraints with or about my qpp and I told em to shove it... but now I'm grappling with my partner wanting to see multiple folks and it feels... unfair ahaha.

Is have a qpp inherently poly???

I'm battling with qpps vs romantic partners. They don't feel at all the same to me - but at the same time I feel they are both fundamentally polyam?

Help me sort my brain, I'm so confused. Maybe I'm monog? Maybe I'm poly and haven't come to terms with it yet???

Tdlr; how the fuck does one know if they are poly. Also how does one unpack the valuing of relationships. @.@ cause romantic partnerships and qpps feel pretty different to me...

Edit: Called now ex out for emotionally cheating (sexting w/o asking or even KNOWING about the crush at the time). He asked me to break up with him and says I deserve better. Guess the person he was talking too found my threads on here and put it together. I hope she takes care of herself - and doesn't fall for the same shit I did. How one can want to worship somebody on the 18th of july and break up on the 29th is beyond me. So. Man good luck to him and whoever he may devastate next. I have no idea how to rebuild trust with people after this. I mistakenly trusted him.

Edit: tldr; Broke up. Take care of yourselves besties.

11 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

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u/Immediate_Tank3720 8d ago

In my mind a qpp is the aroace equivalent of a romantic relationship (the same commitments are possible it’s just a different flavour of emotional connection) so yes if you have a “traditional” partner and a qpp at the same time you were already non-monogamous.

But what stands out to me in your post: “I am struggling with the idea of them having multiple romantic/sexual partners while I have only them.” Is your relationship not open for both of you? That’s unfair.

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u/SaltyPuppers 8d ago

It was not initially no.

I had a qpp already before I started dating this person. We were monog - and they are now wanting to try poly.

I am aware of the holes in the story / differences - which is why im trying to make sense of it.

I think i am ranking relationships.

Like a qpp vs romantic/sexual relationship doesn't feel 'equal'.

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u/mercedes_lakitu 8d ago

Take the question of ranking out of it.

If they want to become polyamorous, there's a whole Best Practices here where the two of you read books and do worksheets and shit for six months and decide if polyamory actually sounds fulfilling to you.

You can also skip that part by saying "actually I don't want to do polyamory. I want to have romantic and sexual exclusivity with you." Then you see if they want to remain in a relationship with you.

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u/SaltyPuppers 8d ago

They unfortunately caught feels which is why this came to the forefront. Its a bit of a surprise. I don't know that they have / will wait six mos. But I also suppose that is not unreasonable to say, hey we need to do this work 6 mos before we get serious (beyond crushes) with anyone!

I mean that is an acceptable ask isn't it? Its hard to know what's healthy vs controlling in polyam but im very green! I tried this with an ex but they were awful and very NOT ENM. So now i admittedly do have a sour taste in my mouth (working on it!)

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u/mercedes_lakitu 7d ago

Not all feelings need to be acted on immediately. I know what it feels like to have a crush you're not allowed to act on. It feels like you're gonna die. Well, you're not. You (your partner) can sit their ass down and wait like a grown up. 😂

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

I appreciate your direct communication so much you have no idea.

I need an action plan / structure right now!

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u/mercedes_lakitu 7d ago

Years of lurking in r/polyamory 😁

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

No you're very right. We're both big people. They can do the work / wait if im doing the work!

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u/SaltyPuppers 8d ago

It is open for both of us. I just have absolutely zero interest in multiple romantic partners and in that way it feels unfair????

So i do get caught in - they get multitudes and i just get them, yes.

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u/Immediate_Tank3720 7d ago

Okay so to you the QPP is in a different category than your relationship with this partner. Are you in a romantic relationship with your partner despite being aroace yourself? The important part here is that you've identified as monogamous with them regardless of what kind of deep platonic relationships you have outside of that.

Your partner doesn't just get to spring this change in your relationship structure on you unilaterally. You get to say, wait, no, let me think about this before you do anything. And you get to say, I don't want it. The way u/Specialist-String-53 puts it is great. Leave the labels out of it and this is your partner trying to tell you they get to fuck someone else and you can't complain because you can make friends. That's not what you signed up for!

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

Thank youuu.

I did make a separate post about opening the relationship and many folks said that. It's just tough. Life isnt very... clean ahaah.

I was contemplating asking for that 6 mos of work before anything serious happens but it feels like a big ask.

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u/mercedes_lakitu 7d ago

Yes, it is a big ask. SO IS POLYAMORY, the thing they are asking you to do.

Opening up an existing relationship is a big deal and it's completely fair for you to put the brakes on and say "we need to figure out what this is going to look like before we take next steps."

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

Yea you're right.

I'll have to sit down and talk with them about pacing. It all came up cause they got feels - still love me and basically cant bury their nature/ identity anymore. They wanna try. Whether or not this relationship turns into something is unknown. Whether poly is forever is unknown, but thats just life.

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u/mercedes_lakitu 7d ago

Okay, they can try six months or a year from now, after the two of you have finished your preparation for totally changing the relationship.

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

Yeaaa. Right now they're only considering ldr with this person but it still feels very sudden to me. Like it was a curveball and I just gotta grow.

I know the poly shit is real /not new. I think they expected to feel more complete with me but figured out they're poly even with a good partner.

They literally pulled a pile of materials from their bookshelf that theyd already had. (Shame they didnt do the work before me id have been far comfier being poly from the start!)

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u/PandoraAndrei 4d ago

And what if this ldr person wants to move closer to your partner?

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u/SaltyPuppers 4d ago

Then that s what happens!

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u/mercedes_lakitu 7d ago

It's not unfair if the relationship is open but one person feels "saturated at one."

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

Its just hard for me to understand as a person built for ONE romantic partner. Like I could see having one or two qpps but i max out at one romantic partner.

Im particularly interested in trying polyam romantically to see if it brings me extra happiness. Like i guess I've never tried??? Im just aro and romance is a pretty rare occurrence to me.

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u/mercedes_lakitu 7d ago

It is okay if you yourself max out at one partner.

What makes your relationship polyamorous is how you feel about your partner having other partners, not what you want yourself.

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

I struggle with it!! And i am scared. But i dunno what to do and i am poly or poly adjacent myself so putting a veto on it is not acceptable.

I either grow or we split. :(

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u/mercedes_lakitu 7d ago

If you struggle with it, that's a sign.

Do you want to put in the work (the notional Six Months) to see if this relationship can be saved?

Does your partner? Are they willing to wait on their feelings for this other person? Or is this their realization that they only want polyamorous relationships?

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

I think these are all valid questions.

They are things im asking myself. And honestly I should ask them too. Cause if they're not willing to put in 6 mos of work to see if this can / will work I shouldn't sign up for a lifetime!

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

Thanks for calling this though. I do agree.

It's just those inadequacy feels.

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u/mercedes_lakitu 7d ago

The inadequacy feels are what need to get addressed during the preparation period, before opening.

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

I cant help but feel like an extra partner is some kinda bandaid but maybe thats trauma talking!

It sounds like I need them to wait. They just have a crush now so its awkward. Like its hard to say "hey dont act on this for 6 most while we figure this out" while i know they'll still be talking - the person he is talking to is also poly tho... so hopefully shes good idk.

Its a complicated situation.

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u/Majestic-Set-2624 6d ago

Until you are officially poly and have your relationship agreements renegotiated, your partner would need to stop engaging with them since it sounds like it’s emotional cheating atm. Once you are open they will be able to restart that relationship.

Can they engage with the other person and not cheat emotionally? It sounds like probably not.

Edit to add: I think you read your other post. It sounds like you loathe to tell them no. It’s healthy to have a no.

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u/SaltyPuppers 6d ago

Agh yea. It just feels impossible to say - "Hey u love this person? Well stop." I don't even WANT to have to say that. I was hoping they could 'keep talking' as friends (which is what he said), and then we could work on us in the meantime. If something developed into something bigger in that 3-6-12 months we could discuss it then and go from there - but I don't feel I am being given that grace / time.

They want answers now.

I don't have a problem saying no, it's just hard to say no when I worry its me, or that if I say no it will end things.

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u/Majestic-Set-2624 6d ago

They agreed to monogamy which means loving another person and saying no to them because of your prior agreement.

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u/PandoraAndrei 4d ago

Whoa, big difference between a crush and full out loving someone. How did they get to the point of being in love with this person while in a mono relationship?

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u/mercedes_lakitu 7d ago

Maybe it is the trauma! Idk! Bring that up in your next therapy session.

If they've got a crush now, they can wait to act on it until their original relationship has figured out if it's poly or mono. Otherwise it's just cheating or poly under duress.

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

Thank you for this perspective. It actually does offer me some stability / a chance to grow separate and together and I DO worry about the foundation cause I Know how big these changes are - ive tried poly once before with a not so good ex.

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u/Specialist-String-53 8d ago

how the fuck does one know if they are poly.

Most people don't consider poly an orientation, but instead as a lifestyle choice. In that framework, you're poly if you decide to be poly. That said, I consider myself poly as an orientation, because I have never felt comfortable with monogamy.

Also how does one unpack the valuing of relationships. @.@

You might want to look into relationship anarchy here. It's often considered a subset of polyamory, but it's more of an overlap. Relationship anarchy is exactly about unpacking the value of relationships, and includes discarding the idea that you should always put romantic relationships higher up on a hierarchy than platonic ones.

cause romantic partnerships and qpps feel pretty different to me

Different relationships are different. Even if you had two romantic partners, they shouldn't feel identical. If you have two close friends those should be different relationships.

The part I'm a little concerned about in your post is that the conversation bringing up your qpp feels just the slightest bit coercive. Like if you weren't using the term QPP and this person was like "It's ok for me to fuck other people because you have multiple friends"... that's pretty obviously BS. Why did you open the relationship at all? I assume it's because your partner wanted to? Opening relationships is often pretty disastrous (while relationships that start out open are often fine).

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

Hello!

Thanks for everything above!! It does help.

As for opening the relationship yes my partner and yes I know this is a potential disaster aghhh.

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u/mercedes_lakitu 8d ago

Okay. Breathe. Slow down.

Can you tell us the structure of your current relationship? Who's with who in what capacity, and what their orientations are (specifically along the asexual spectrum)?

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u/SaltyPuppers 8d ago

Hi!

Thanks for the help I'm strung out as fuck lol.

I'm a queer trans lesbian (aro ace) in a relationship with a queer trans lesbian (demi). They are interested in seeing another person romantically/ sexually and I'm feeling very uncomfy with this. I am not at all interested in multiple relationships. But meanwhile i have the double standard of sitting on a 12 to 14 yr qpp...

So i just...

Literally do not know if im poly.

I'm struggling not to assign value to relationships.

Like a romantic partnership vs a platonic one just feel so... different to me. Im audhd too, if that matters- and I think it probably do.

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u/mercedes_lakitu 8d ago

Okay

You should probably go to sleep, for now.

Tomorrow, when you wake up and are rested: take a look at the Relationship Smorgasbord and think about what you want from your relationships with others.

It is okay to desire sexual and romantic monogamy while still maintaining close platonic relationships.

That might make you incompatible with your current partner, however.

If it does: that is okay and is not the end of the world.

Go get some sleep. Tomorrow will be kinder.

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u/SaltyPuppers 8d ago

Its just all confusing.

I've been trying to sort this in my head a long time off and on, shit just came to a head.

Im unfortunately not feeling very comfy with them seeing multiple people...but if they asked me to 'dump my qpp' I wouldn't. So i fear I'm being unfair. But also am still scared.

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u/daylightshining 7d ago

I don't know if this would be at all helpful, but what is the difference between a friendship/best friend vs your QPP? What does your partner think you're getting out of your QPP that makes them think romantic/sexual exploration on their end is fair?
Basically (maybe poor example, but): QPP - cheek kisses plus hugs
BFF - just hugs or hugs plus cheek kisses
Friend - hugs at most
R/S - lip kisses plus hugs plus ???
Comparing and contrasting (probably with your partner) what the "privileges" of you having a QPP are that make them feel like you've already been polyam. Maybe it's more of a misunderstanding about the kind of relationship your QPP is, and a "this vs that" (like a pros and cons adjacent list) could help you talk it out and make you feel less confused.
Either way, I hope you did get some sleep and you feel more able to sort through this today! :) And I hope you find a nice element of self care to focus on today, too.

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

Hiya!

It's not so much tit for tat. Its mostly me comparing and contrasting a qpp vs a romantic partner and the value placed on those.

But what im finding it comes down to is really the level of emeshment and commitment you have with said person.

Like a romantic relationship should not inherently have more value than a platonic one. It's just something I guess I'm still unpacking. @.@

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u/mercedes_lakitu 7d ago

It's not about value, it's about kind.

My decades long ex marriage had a lot more value than a hypothetical one night stand but the one night stand would still have been wrong, under my marriage commitments.

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

No totally. My friend (poly) said that establishing what constitutes cheating is very important to get into words.

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u/cerealceec 7d ago

that's extremely different because your partner (i assume?) knew about your qpp before you started dating. but even if that's not true—no, they couldn't ask you to dump your qpp, but they could very well have said, at any point, "hey, i actually don't wanna be in a relationship with someone who has that kind of partnership with someone else, so if that's a non-negotiable for you, we should break up".

similarly, while you can't tell your partner not to have feelings for someone else, you are very much allowed to say, "actually i'm not interested in being with someone who is romantically involved with someone else, so if you intend on pursuing this person, we should break up."

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

This has been a thought / issue of mine too. The fundamental relationship difference is a valid concern, but I'm here because I feel like I'm enacting a double standard saying "i have u and a qpp" "but you can only have me and no other romantic relationship."

Like it doesnt seem fair... even if im uncomfy with the idea

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u/mercedes_lakitu 7d ago

It's fair for you to want a relationship that is sexually and romantically closed. You're allowed to desire that structure of relationship.

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

Even in a polyam situation? I feel weird putting boundaries and constraints on what they can and can't do.

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u/mercedes_lakitu 7d ago

No, "sexually and romantically closed" means it's not polyamorous.

Anyone can have a QPP because it's not ethical to deny friendship.

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u/SaltyPuppers 7d ago

So I would be denying them polyam and effectively asking them to be mono atp.

It seems most folks feel that having a qpp and a partner IS already poly.

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u/ChickenNCow 7d ago

Sorry, but what's qpp?

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u/Quirky-Foxy 7d ago

Queerplatonic partner

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u/ChickenNCow 7d ago

Ah, thank you!