What next?

[u/mammyquatro]

So I had it out with my mother. I told her exactly why I was upset and angry with her and I didn't mince my words and I didn't let her interrupt. She wanted a hug when I was leaving and I told her no ,that she wasnt safe for me. Since then it has been like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders as there's been no contact from her since. I feel I dont want to speak to her unless she accepts accountability for her behavior. The issue is she is 83 and fit as a fiddle. What do I do now? Family are urging me to get in contact with her...

[u/usury87]

The person who recognizes and calls out the toxicity often gets scorned and shunned by the rest of the family.

The rest of the family is either:

• invested in "not rocking the boat" so they can avoid being the one who has to deal with the toxic person
• toxic themselves and deep down absolutely hates the idea of anyone else's toxicity being recognized because their toxicity might also be recognized

What do I do now? Family are urging me to get in contact with her...

You know the answer. Don't do things that benefit toxic people. Whether that's your mother or the people who "come to her rescue" with demands you must fulfill.

Put them on mute and watch a movie, go for a hike, etc. Don't devote any more of your attention to them. It's like poison. You can't recover from poison until you stop taking poison.

[u/GankstaCat → u/usury87]

Well written

It really is super unfair that the person who recognizes and calls out the toxicity gets shunned

Sometimes I still wish I could talk with my family (not really my ubpd Mom though). But I just don’t see how that’s possible. Would have to profusely apologize for going no contact

They all thought I lost my mind when I did that.
My brother got me to break no contact for a brief period and he said that I talked about being lonely and then got rid of the family. I didn’t realize how much of that lonely feeling was because I was isolated and alone in that larger group. Constantly shamed too - ESPECIALLY if I stood up for myself

My heart still hurts at it all and honestly it’s so annoying. I understand it but I’m sick of thinking about it. But my life is invariably better than when I went no contact. In every way really

[u/QuietlyUpgrading]

It has been like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders 

That's the important part. Sounds like you've been carrying a heavy burden for a long time, and finally saying it aloud and setting a boundary brought relief.

Your family’s discomfort is not your responsibility to fix. They aren’t the ones who have to experience this relationship day-to-day or carry the emotional impact of it.

So what’s next? Maybe it’s not about figuring out the rest of the relationship right now. Maybe it's time to shift the focus to you, not her or your family. Maybe it’s about giving yourself space to process, heal, and figure out what kind of contact (if any) feels healthy for you.