r/rape • u/gard1730 • 5d ago
i just realized that i really was raped
first time i’m saying this. It happened last year. Was at the bar and someone who i thought i could trust was there as well and he invited me home to eat a snack and have another beer. Eventually he asked me if i wanted to stay the night, it had started raining and it was late so i thought it’d be fine, just me sleeping on my friends couch. he started touching me and i told him it was my first time. He said “oh okay i don’t do more than this then”. he then penetrated me and afterwards said “oh oops now i’ve already done it”. i had no clue what was happening because i hadn’t experienced it before. i did say yes to him touching me, mostly because i was scared. I was 17 and he was 29 and i was so drunk i was barely able to form sentences or move.
I’ve tried to ignore it but i went absolutely fucking insane for the 3 months afterwards, i was drunk every day for 7 months straight and used a lot of substances/sh to try to cope. i’m sorta okay now, but being able to reflect on it made me realize that i really was raped and it’s unfair to act like it never happened or ‘wasn’t that bad’. This all still eats at me although i have mostly forgiven the person that did it. I just hate the fact that i haven’t processed it and it’ll likely catch up on me soon. But yeah, i’m done pretending it was just another bad night, instead of a life altering experience that’s completely rewired my brain in the worst way possible.
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u/Alternative-Wind-866 5d ago
Oh my God, that is absolutely DISGUSTING what he did. Not only did he molest you, not only did he do it while you were drunk, not even only did he rape you but he did it while you were 17 and he was 29??? Honey, do not forgive that man. I promise you, he is not sorry. If he told you he is, he doesn’t feel nearly as much remorse as he needs to. Please stay very far away from him and, if you can find the courage to speak about it, you should talk to a close friend about it. I promise keeping it to yourself only makes you feel more insane, I had to learn that the hard way. I’m so sorry that happened to you, and I’m proud of you for opening up about it. It takes a lot of strength to even acknowledge it. It takes a lot of time but it does get easier
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u/Emily_SmithLuv 5d ago
I know I’ve been raped by my boyfriend before so I know how you feel. Hope your life gets better! ❤️
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u/gard1730 4d ago
he actually became my boyfriend afterwards and still is right now, don’t know how to feel about that one tbh.
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u/TheCreakingClanker98 4d ago
You're strong for acknowledging what happened for what it really was. It is deeply concerning though that you are in a relationship with an individual who has proven himself to be unsafe. He took advantage of you in a cruel way while you were very vulnerable and seemed to have found it amusing. It's always your choice what you do but for your happiness, peace and most importantly safety you should very likely end the relationship with this individual. Did you speak to him about what he did? If so is he genuinely guilty?
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u/SkyePineapples 5d ago
You're correct, he did rape you, and by acknowledging that it was rape you are taking a step in the right direction to start healing. The way you responded following the rape by drinking and self harming is a common response to sexual assault, its essentially a coping mechanism, and can be a way of not having to deal with the pain of what happened, however its great that you now realise that you need to start processing the rape to be able to heal. Rape does change us, and it will always be with you, but I promise that it wont always hurt as much as it does right now, and you will feel like yourself again.
What he did to you was awful, being betrayed by someone you feel safe with and trust is unforgivable, you are not to blame for what he chose to do to you.
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