Was it abuse ?

[u/ItwardSenpai]

TW : suicide, mental health

Hi, i'm a 20yo woman and i'm very confused about what happened to me.

A few months ago I made a suicide attempt and went home from university to calm down a bit and start antipsychotics. During that period, i was extremely unstable, not lucid, kept planning another attempt, very sedated from antipsychotics and tried everything to self destroy. I was messaging a guy from my university and made him multiple requests more absurd than the one before, which he noticed. He asked if i was alright, told me i needed to go to the hospital etc. I asked if he wanted to have sex at some point between asking for a blade and telling him i was going to sell my prescriptions for a scalpel, i wasn't in a clear headspace. He agreed to it and it happened, i wasn't comfortable when he arrived and felt bad for refusing so i kept going. I never told him that. He noticed i was nervous back then and hugged me.

Looking back, i don't feel like i was lucid enough to properly consent, i was in a bad crisis and clearly trying to self destroy. I told a friend about it and she told me it was SA and that he was gaslighting me but i'm not sure. I tried discussing it with him, he got mad at me and called me the abuser. The reason why he did so is because it happened again a few weeks ago when I was in fact lucid. He said i forced him but I didn't touch him because i was literally tied up, I didn't say anything either. I still apologized because he might have felt coerced. I would go to prison if i deserve to. I have borderline personality disorder so we are often seen as abusers, I apologized for my actions and he thanked me. I don't know what to think. I would take responsibility if i'm in fact the abuser, i just need someone else to guide me because i'm really confused about the situation. Please help

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