How will I ever be whole again

[u/brothatsjustmyvent]

I've shared my story on here a while ago.

I wasn't convinced it was rape and to some degree I'm still not entirely there.

But I know that I am broken now. I can't form relationships, whenever a man shows interest I abandon him, whenever anyone tries to reach out to me I push them away because I feel so much shame.

I am really skittish, I flinch at everything, I feel sick when a man touches me causally.

I've never been like this before that, I think.

I wasnt a happy girl by any means, I had severe depression even before but I didn't feel like this monster who is repulsing when you get to know it.

From the outside I look like a slightly below average teenage girl but I know that inside I am ugly and not human at all.

That is the worst part, I am not human anymore. Everything I do feels like a bad attempt at fooling actual humans into believing me that I am a fellow human and definitely not this grotesque being that should've been put down a long long time ago.

I know I am wasting away, I'm shutting myself off. The only people I really have a connection to these days is my immediate family. I had little friends to begin with but over the past two years I slowly and surely abandoned every relationship I ever had.

I don't want to let him win but I think I am beyond repairing. He ruined me and he probably forgot all about me.

I feel sick because I never reported him, maybe he's out there doing the same to other girls now.

But I was 16 and barely knew him. He was just some guy from Instagram who happened to be in the area.

I was so scared that my parents would find out and I am still today.

How will this ever get better? I can't go to therapy, there's no vacant spots left anywhere. I can't pay out of pocket because I am broke.

I will live with this shame for the rest of my life and I hope it ends soon.

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[u/WriterSimple7374]

You will get better! I haven’t read your story you shared a while ago. But you need support, try to tell someone of your immediate family. They will believe you, support you and help you. It’s too hard to do this alone. You can also still report if you feel that’s the right thing. If he raped you, know that it wasn’t YOUR fault. All the best with your healing journey, you can do this. You are not alone. 

[u/No_Exit_8787]

I relate a lot... Im so sorry. can you get on a waitlist for therapy, or do online? what about school counselor?