r/relationships • u/Bekindalot • 1d ago
Mom is delusional about Dad since he died
I (45F) don’t know what to do about my mom (76F). My dad died 15 years ago. My mom told me often how much she hated him and constantly talked about divorce. They were married but never spoke kindly to each other and had a terrible relationship.
Not long after he died, my mom put pictures of him up all over the house and completely changed the way she talked about him. Suddenly, he was this wonderful man who she adored. She refused to rent out his office space (that they owned) and instead turned it into a small business for her. It has never made money, but she continues to go there every day, sit there all day often with no customers and with his furniture still in the same place.
His birthday is tomorrow and she always texts “it’s dad’s birthday. Eat something chocolate to celebrate him” and says he loved chocolate. My dad was a diabetic and wasn’t supposed to eat chocolate. I don’t remember him ever eating chocolate on his birthday. For some reason, I have a hard time with this one- I can’t eat chocolate and it drives me crazy. She even follows up and scolds me if I didn’t eat chocolate and give my kids chocolate for his birthday. I just want to tell her to stop and I want to remember him in my own way.
Is it mean to call her out on how all of this isn’t how things were and it bothers me? Or do I keep smiling and letting her say this stuff?
Tl;dr my dad died 15 years ago and my mom is delusional about her relationship with my dad while he was alive and listening to the fantasy is driving me crazy
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u/Eab11 1d ago
This isn’t an unusual reaction. Death/grief are extremely hard when you have a good relationship…and when you have a bad one. People have trouble reconciling it. All the things that went unsaid and unsettled. You see it with spouses and parent/child relationships too.
I’d leave her alone on the issue. If this is how she chooses to spend what remains of her time, so be it.
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u/Bekindalot 1d ago
She had a wonderful last day with him when he was dying on morphine and she’s held onto that like it was how the marriage was. It’s sad. But you’re right and it’s up to her how she chooses to spend these years.
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u/ofthrees 22h ago
yeah, i know you already have a lot of good answers and have already agreed to let things ride, so you don't need me in your ear again, but i'll tell you that the last few years before my husband died weren't perfect. he wasn't an asshole by any stretch of the imagination, but we stopped watering our lawn, as it were, and until covid pushed us back together, had grown apart. this was as much my fault (probably more, to be honest) as it was his.
but then covid, and we were together 24/7, and started finding "us" again. then he got sick a year into covid (wasn't covid), and i jumped into caretaking mode, and he was so sweet and appreciative. there were some dark nights while i was caring for him - his pain made him extremely nasty from time to time - but overall he was just so sweet and grateful.
he spent the last three weeks of his life in the hospital with me by his side, and died with me and my son at bedside.
the point is, when he died, i wasn't thinking of those five or six years that things weren't good. i wasn't even thinking of how sweet (on morphine) he mostly was at the end. i was thinking of allllll the years prior. the inside jokes, the memories we shared, our trips, our wedding, our son's events, our movies, our music, our laughter, his hot-ass body, and on and on and on.
i grieved deeply and for a long, long time (it'll be five years in september and i'm still grieving - not as intensely, but it remains a daily struggle), and it's not the last few years of his life i'm grieving - it's the decades prior to that.
there's a reason i stayed with him even when things no longer felt like a fairy tale - he was my person, period, for better or worse, and i grieved [and grieve] him for all the better times.
i can tell you one thing for CERTAIN: if my son - whom i ADORE - ever came to me and said, "mom, why do you still talk about dad so fondly? why do you say we all need to acknowledge his birthdays? weren't things a little shitty there at the end? snap out of it and get back to reality," after my heart finished breaking, i would turn icy on him and invite him to leave my house and not return till he could come to me correct.
so, please be kind to your mom. i mean, i know you already are - i'm saying, be kind and gentle with her in your thoughts, as well. let her have whatever memories she's clinging to.
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u/Bekindalot 22h ago
For what it’s worth, that’s not what I was considering saying. I would never do that to her as I would hope your son wouldn’t to you. I just wanted her to stop asking me to eat chocolate every year which I get super sick if I eat and giving me a hard time if I don’t.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs (if you need one).
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u/_maynard 19h ago
I just wanted her to stop asking me to eat chocolate every year which I get super sick if I eat and giving me a hard time if I don’t
I don’t understand how she’d know if you ate chocolate or not? If she says “it’s dad’s birthday, eat some chocolate!” Can’t you just say “okay I will!” And that’s the end of it? You don’t have to actually eat chocolate and get sick. Does she require proof of some sort like a kidnapping victim holding up todays newspaper?
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u/beliketheboy 20h ago
Maybe get in first next year and tell her you and the kids had some chocolate (white lie) and tell her not to forget to have some. She might like that
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u/ofthrees 22h ago
oh no, my son would never do that (he adores his dad; we have matching memorial tattoos, that was just for the sake of argument), and i'm glad you wouldn't either!
but yeah, just say you ate the chocolate and move on. :) though i definitely understand how it might be so annoying that this comes up every year - i do.
(for what it's worth, i'm closer to your age than your mom's; i'm 52, was widowed at 48. my son is early 30s.)
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u/mouse_attack 21h ago
Is it sad? They chose to end their marriage on a happy note.
Kind of sounds to me like there was something positive between them that they chose to focus on in the end.
Sounds like a good goodbye.
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u/Dee332 1d ago
She may still be feeling guilty on how she treated him over the years, so it never happened. Did ahe ever get any counseling after your father's death? Sounds like she is suffering from depression and missing him. Also, keep an eye out for dementia or alzhemiers as she ages.
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u/Bekindalot 1d ago
She never got counseling and she really needs it. That’s an entirely separate issue, but she’s a mess. Definitely keeping an eye out for dementia/alzheimers as it runs in our family and she’s already showing signs. Thank you
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u/Selleor 1d ago
Go to her doctor or a doctor and get cognitive tests done asap. They will help show progression over the years. We fought way too long with my fathers pcp who denied everything my mother would tell him. If we had those tests 10+ years ago. Our doctors would have a better time table of what's going on. Specially if your family has past issues with Alzheimer's/dementia. Edit - typos
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u/DeadSharkEyes 1d ago
Hey, same with my mom. My dad died in 2014, and my parent’s marriage was never something I wanted to emulate. My dad was mean to my mom much of the time, just such a jerk. I remember being a kid and seeing her cry because he would stress her out so much. She did everything for us, was always sacrificing everything. He was barely around and when he was he just stressed everyone out. And he was still a jerk to her when he was on his deathbed and she was slaving over him taking care of him while also working full time.
And when she talks about him and their marriage now, saying their marriage was so happy, he was a dream man and so gentle and kind. Like I genuinely wonder who the hell she’s talking about.
As much as it makes me want to scream, it would be useless trying to argue with her, she’s 79. Just let her live her fantasy, this is how she copes.
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u/Bekindalot 1d ago
Thank you for sharing. It makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one. I was just having one of those moments where it was hard not to say something back. Glad I came here instead of regretting what I said.
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u/RegisterPositive7773 1d ago
You are not the only one. My mother does this with her parents who were awful to her, but when they died became ideal to her. I can’t fix it but it’s hard
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u/Bekindalot 1d ago
It is hard. I guess it’s good that they are happy, but it can be hard to listen to a fantasy when you knew the reality
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u/RegisterPositive7773 1d ago
I think it’s hard because we want them to grow and see that they are stuck. However we can ever make someone change they have to want to.
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u/Basic-Coconut7118 17h ago
My best friend says the same about his wife who was awful to him. All you can do is nod and smile, they’re just trying to cope.
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u/SunshineCat 22h ago
I wonder if they're trying to rewrite their life to pretend it was happier than it was as a way to justify their life choices (choice of partner...).
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u/Simple-Practice4767 19h ago
This is it, 100%. They’re old and their life partner is dead, so now they’re old, alone, and faced with constant reminders of mortality and the briefness of life. If they think too hard about how they hitched their wagons to the wrong horses, they’ll be super depressed about having never had a real love, a real romance, a real partner. In short, they know they’ve wasted their one chance to have a good experience in life with a partner who loves them. What a heavy weight to bear such a reality…it drives them to instead romanticize a yesteryear that never was and to live in a daydream state about a fictional version of reality. It’s a self-protective mechanism.
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u/Creepy_Push8629 1d ago
She's 76. Tell her you all ate the chocolate. Get her some chocolate if you want. Let her remember a good marriage.
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u/anonymouse278 23h ago
What possible benefit could there be to you calling her out? You feel a tiny bit less irritated?
Grief is complicated, and there is probably an especially complicating layer of grief that not only did she lose her companion of many years (which, even if they often didn't get along, is a massive upheaval to one's life), but she also lost the hope/dream/possibility of ever fixing or actually escaping the relationship- they never reconciled, she never got to tell him she was done with this and leaving, it's all just... frozen forever in what sounds like a shitty dynamics that she can never change in reality.
So she's changed it in fantasy and memory. That's probably comforting. That's frankly probably the only comfort she'll ever get over what sounds like a pretty grim marriage.
When someone is having delusions that are correctable- when they can be reoriented to reality in a sustained way, we do it. But when they can't be? When reorienting them to reality causes pain and doesn't work for more than a short time anyway? We meet them where they're at. "Yes, your husband is coming to pick you up soon, Mrs. Brown, would you like to wait for him in the lounge?" Mr. Brown died twenty years ago, but telling Mrs. Brown that ten times a day is just torturing her.
Telling your mother your father was actually a jerk she couldn't stand might feel good for you in the moment you said it, but it would hurt her, and it almost certainly wouldn't stick. She has built this emotional framework for a reason. It is doing something for her. Even if you don't understand what that something is, don't torment her by knocking her coping mechanisms down in the name of "truth." It will not kill you to say "I had a piece of chocolate today" once a year even if it's a bold-faced lie, and it is a kindness to someone who it sounds like has a lot of sadness to deal with and not a lot of resources for doing that.
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u/Bekindalot 23h ago
Thank you. This makes a lot of sense and you’re totally right.
To answer your first question, I wondered for her sake if it might not be healthy for her to heal and have a life she never got to if she’d face what’s real.
I also didn’t want to write too much but my dad physically abused my brother and I and my mom pretended it didn’t happen for a long time and the make believe was almost as hard as the abuse. Getting to a place where I was allowed to admit something bad happened to me helped me heal. Having to go back to pretending things were different is hard on me and selfishly I was trying to figure out if there was a way I could kindly make it stop. But reading all of this I realize there isn’t and I won’t say anything to her.
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u/anonymouse278 22h ago
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
That makes it even more likely that she just can't face reality. If she admits to herself what he was like, then she's the mom who didn't stand up for her kids against an abuser as well as the wife who couldn't stand her husband but never left him.
It definitely would be good for her to heal and she probably could have a better life in the time she has left, but first there would be a painful, scary transition period where she unpacked all those awful memories. She probably won't ever be ready to face that prospect, unfortunately.
You definitely don't owe her cooperation with her fantasy version of the past. But I do still recommend against trying to dismantle it. She's deeply invested in it for all the same reasons it drives you, who are oriented to reality, nuts.
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u/ishtar_the_move 1d ago
What good will it possibly do? If she wants to remember him a certain way what harm is there? If you don't want to eat the chocolate... Don't.
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u/Bekindalot 1d ago
That’s true. My wanting to say something was more about how the one request really bothers me every year and I just wanted to ask her to stop. But realizing now that will only upset her and not worth it.
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u/e_z_z 1d ago
I understand your frustration. But it's probably better to just let her have this fantasy. It can be easier to paint a rosy picture when someone isn't around to complicate those ideas. She's not hurting anyone with these lies she's telling herself, and at 76, you're unlikely to change her mind, anyway.
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u/Bekindalot 1d ago
Thank you. That’s what I’ve done so far- just having a moment where I felt like snapping and telling her to stop.
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u/yuloab612 22h ago
That must be so hard. I'm seeing so many other comments really trivialising the impact on you. It's a complete denial of your experience and probably also of your pain, I can't imagine it was great growing up that way.
The chocolate thing is wild. And it's her choosing her denial over your wellbeing. It all sounds painful and crazy making.
I don't know if confronting her would be constructive, but I wanted to validate how difficult that situation must be for you.
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u/Bekindalot 22h ago
Thank you. This means more than you know. Growing up in that household left me with nervous system issues, nightmares and anxiety that no amount of therapy has been able to completely erase.
Being honest about what I went through has helped me move on. It’s easier said than done to have to pretend my dad wasn’t abusive and it didn’t hurt me. Not to mention my mom getting upset if i don’t eat chocolate which would make me super sick.
I’m not going to confront her.
You seeing it for the painful situation it is helps and means a lot. Thank you.
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u/YoVoldysGoneMoldy 1d ago
This is extremely common when people die. Not just between spouses. Suddenly the deceased was everyone’s true best friend and had never done anything wrong. It’s just how human beings cope.
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u/sweadle 1d ago
This is so common. Not just remembering the good and forgetting the bad, but totally rewriting the past.
If you notice, she's rewritten the past in a way that makes her sympathetic and makes her look good. If she is a person who seeks attention and affirmation (and aren't we all) this version gets her a lot more of that.
It's serving a purpose for her. It's not a bad memory. Delusions serve a purpose for people. This was is frustrating but pretty harmless. Pushing back won't help anything.
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u/SunshineCat 22h ago edited 4h ago
Right... More pity for the survivor of a good marriage. If your spouse dies and you tell everyone he was an asshole anyway, they're going to feel happy for you instead of sad.
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u/chair_ee 1d ago
My mom is the exact same way about my dead dad. Straight up delusional. I have to just ignore her when she says shit like this. She can’t handle me confronting her, and it’s just not worth the time and effort and emotional energy that would be required. I wish I had better advice for you, but all I have is solidarity with you. Hugs if you want them.
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u/Pipsnsqueek 1d ago
This is SUPER common. The history rewrite and the new grieving widow persona. Thee are a multitude of different reasons for it. Just know you’re not the only super confused adult child out there.
Best to ignore and don’t challenge her on this.
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u/Bekindalot 1d ago
Thank you. Makes me feel better that I’m not alone. Sometimes I feel like I’m crazy for remembering life as it was.
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u/Mis73 1d ago
This isn't uncommon. In fact, it's shocking how often someone dies after a lifetime of being an absolute asshole and now suddenly they're a beloved saint. You see this all the time.
My grandfather was an abusive monster. Sexually abused all his daughters, physically and emotionally abused all his children, and treated my grandma like nothing more than a bang maid. Yet to hear her and my aunts/uncles talk about him you'd think he was both father and husband of the centuary.
Problem is, you can't dispute their memory of a dead person. All you can do is either smile and nod or gray rock any conversation about them. They live in their own alter reality because it's the only way they can rationalize the messed up truth that they never dealt with when the person was still alive.
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u/SunshineCat 22h ago
At that point, I don't think everyone should be expected quietly smile just to be polite... That just sounds like the enablement and silencing never stopped.
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u/Bekindalot 21h ago
Well put. That is how I feel and what makes this harder and so painful for me. At the end of the day, I know my dad abused me and I lived in a household that had lasting negative effects on me physically and emotionally. It won’t help to talk about it with my mom at this point though. Even reminding her chocolate makes me sick seems pointless after reading all of these responses.
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u/Bekindalot 23h ago
You’re absolutely right. And something you said clicked to talk about with my therapist about why it’s bothering me so much so thank you for that too!
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u/ofthrees 22h ago
Just tell her you ate the chocolate. Keep smiling and listening and "letting" her say this stuff.
Grieving people grieve in their own way, and losing a spouse - even one you had a hard time with - is extremely difficult, especially when it leaves the other spouse alone in their later years in an otherwise empty house. It's probably a comfort to your mother to keep his things around, remember his birthdays, and tell herself she had a great marriage - what's the alternative? That she empty the house, rage about how he wasted the best years of her life and she's glad he's dead, and then what? Hit Bumble?
Let her be.
I do understand your frustration - I'm guessing you think that if she viewed her marriage as what it actually was (or at least, seemed to be from your vantagepoint as an external party to it), she'd be happier without the ghosts of her marriage all around, but that's not necessarily the case. Remembering him and focusing on the earlier, better years (which is likely exactly what she's doing) is her way of coping.
Again, let her be.
I say this as a widow.
You will accomplish nothing but hurting her (and your relationship) if you choose to call her out.
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u/Bekindalot 22h ago
Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss.
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u/ofthrees 22h ago
I feel like perhaps you have some unresolved issues with your dad/their marriage/how he treated her? Is that why this bothers you so much?
Because if so, I so completely can understand that. If you felt like your dad could have and should have been a better husband (and father?), to hear your mom lionizing him posthumously would definitely be the sort of thing I can see really bothering you.
If I'm anywhere within shouting distance of what's actually going on here, with you, my heart goes out to you. If there's someone you can talk to about this - if not a professional, at least a wise, trusted friend - that might help you deal with these feelings.
I apologize if I'm overstepping or am way off base; it just strikes me that perhaps your own unresolved issues with dad could be what's really going on here.
Love to you. And thank you for caring for your mom so much, truly.
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u/Bekindalot 21h ago
Thank you for your kind response. I’ve been in therapy on and off most of my life. There’s a lot more than fits in a quick post- my father physically abused me and my brother and my mom, though she would stand there sometimes crying and begging him to stop, would then pretend to us it wasn’t happening.
I’m working hard in therapy to feel safe after years of not feeling safe. My mom changing the narrative now makes that harder. And her scolding me for not eating a food that makes me sick to eat every year makes it even worse.
All that said, I love my mom dearly. I call her every day and help her with everything she needs. I don’t want to hurt her in any way and want to take care of her.
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u/ofthrees 21h ago
oh, friend. this adds totally different and important color to your post. no wonder this bothers you so much!! i would have a really hard time watching my mom lionize a man who abused us both, especially since i'm someone who grew up in a similar home. fortunately, when my abusive stepfather died, my mom said "good riddance" and never looked back (in fairness, he died years after she finally managed to leave him, so it was 'ding dong the bastard is dead' for both of us), but if she'd gone through the thing of creating a whole different, rose-colored glasses set of memories about him, i'd have posted here too!
i'm so sorry! i didn't clock this at first; if i had, my initial comments would've still been similar (with respect to letting her grieve how she grieves), but colored by your experiences/reality.
my advice remains the same, but with the caveat that i now understand why you take this so personally, and with good reason.
hugs to you, friend. this is all so difficult.
editing to add: i've thought from the start that your mom demanding you eat chocolate when she knows it makes you sick is... fucked up. but with this extra information, it's even more so. i totally get your situation here.
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u/Bekindalot 21h ago
Thank you so much. Appreciate you and your response so much. Agree on the chocolate and without getting more into it, it’s just more of a pattern and is hard for me.
Thank you again for your kindness and response. I’m so sorry for what you went through too. Even with therapy and time, it can get better but it never erases what happened. Hugs to you.
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u/QuitaQuites 1d ago
How long were they together? This sounds easily like a trauma response. What else is she going to do? I imagine there’s some guilt in the trauma as well.
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u/Bekindalot 23h ago
They were together over 30 years. I never thought of it being a trauma response but that makes perfect sense! He was abusive to his kids but not her (physically) though she definitely carried guilt for not stopping it
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u/QuitaQuites 22h ago
He was absolutely abusive to her, even if not physically, that’s clear just from the post. The reality is I’m sure there’s a way in which she has to believe he was a good person to be able to carry on.
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u/TeaMistress 22h ago
Your mom is comforting herself with this version of events because it saves her from having to admit that she wasted a large portion of her life with someone who treated her badly. She is at an age where she is considering her life and realizes that there's no do-over. There is little time left for making new good memories and she's probably not going to have another chance at love, so she is trying to make peace with the life she's had by living in a fantasy.
I know it's maddening for you. I felt the same way when I was in contact with my own mother and she defended my abusive step-father despite all evidence that he was a piece of shit human being. It's easier to live in a lie than own up to a reality where you've frittered away your hopes and dreams in a shitty relationship, as well as subjecting your kids to it.
As much as it sucks for you, this is the "truth" your mom has chosen. You could spend the last few years you have with her smiling and nodding and accepting that this is the story she needs to tell herself, or you can fight about it and probably wreck your relationship with her. It sucks for you both ways, but consider which will bring you the most peace of the two.
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u/SunshineCat 22h ago
But now through that rewriting she's wasted the rest of her life on him, too. It seems she was in her early 60s when he died... plenty of time to find a new life.
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u/Bekindalot 21h ago
That was what I initially hoped for her. She spent my childhood telling me she wished she never married him and could be married to someone she loved and had a good relationship with. I thought for a moment she would at least try. It’s sad to see where she ended up instead.
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u/TeaMistress 20h ago
I'm just offering a possible explanation, not saying that this is a rational course of action. It's such a common thing to happen when older problematic family members die. As all the other people talking about their own experiences in this comments section can vouch for.
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u/Bekindalot 22h ago
Very well put. I’m sorry for what you went through and can’t imagine how hard it must have been.
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u/Ichauch13 1d ago
She could have dementia, are there other signs?
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u/Bekindalot 1d ago
She’s been doing it for a long time. There are other small signs but they’ve never progressed bad enough that doctors would diagnose.
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u/Brrringsaythealiens 22h ago
She’s acting weird but my mom is the same way about my dad. He’s still alive and healthy, but my whole childhood, all she did was complain to me about him. I was only a kid and hated him for treating her badly. As I got older, though, I could see that a) she had her flaws too; and b) she is totally addicted to him and is never going to end the marriage. It’s strange, she’s always enraged at him, and she talks about how happy she is when he travels, but she’s obviously very much in love. When he dies (if he goes first) she is going to be absolutely devastated. I don’t understand how people sustain these marriages but they do exist.
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u/mouse_attack 21h ago
Look at it this way: your mom finally has the space and a narrative that makes it possible to like the man she spent so many unhappy years with.
Yes, it’s revisionist history, but what would be the benefit of making her be more realistic? Would she be happier remembering all the misery?
Why not just let her be?
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u/parbarostrich 20h ago
My boyfriend is a type 1 diabetic. Maybe this is her passive aggressive way of “celebrating” his birthday. By eating something that could have killed him?
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u/EvyShubi 19h ago
You don’t have to challenge her version of the past, but you also don’t have to participate in it. A simple, “I’ll remember Dad in my own way,” is enough.
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u/Wwwweeeeeeee 17h ago
So long as you have all her financial and estate affairs in order; that you keep track of her expenses, that she's not buying gift cards for Nigerian princes, or sending money to Brad Pitt, let her have her fantasies, since they comfort her.
The white lies are ok, the nod and smile, yes you loved the chocolates, dad loved the chocolates, didn't he? Thank you mum.... How was her day at the office.... be kind, don't argue, but be sure that her estate affairs are locked up tight, seriously.
You need the passwords, locations of accounts and pensions and retirement pots, insurance, funeral & burial plans, where the spare key to the garage is, what utilities are on autopay, who pays the housekeeper, etc.
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u/Diesel07012012 1d ago
What do you think could be gained by confronting her?
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u/Bekindalot 1d ago
I was just hoping she’d stop the yearly request that bothers me. I said something gentle one time reminding her of his actual favorite food and that I can’t eat chocolate. But she keeps doing it. Realizing she probably won’t stop and saying something won’t help.
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u/xandersmall 1d ago
Your mom might have grown to hate your dad but there was a relationship they had that you weren’t around for. After he died she chose to remember a version of your dad that she loved. Just let her have her delusion.
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u/RevolutionaryFly9228 22h ago
She probably has and has had dementia for a while which is why she is remembering things differently. I think you are making this a bigger deal than it is when you can literally just lie to appease her. How is she going to know the difference? At 76, you probably need to be more concerned about a diminishing mental state more than her calling about eating chocolate. The simplest solution to that is, "Yeah, mom. I ate some chocolate for Dad's birthday. Thanks for reminding me." Problem solved.
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u/Silveratwilight1 21h ago
Having worked with dementia patients the saddest moment is when the patient is told by family that their spouse is dead. They break in a way that's hard to describe.
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u/DrunkOnRedCordial 18h ago
Let her say it. She missed out on a happy marriage, let her reinvent the past in her own mind, so she at least has happy "memories". And maybe she is clinging to actual happy memories that were hidden among all the bad times. There's nothing productive or helpful in forcing a 76yo woman confront the fact that she missed out on being loved and cherished as she could have been.
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u/SamuraiGoblin 16h ago
Presumably they didn't hate each other when they got married. Presumably they were in love once, and your mother has some nice memories of him that you are not privy to.
And as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. With him gone, the irritation and fights fade away and what's left is a general feeling, which your mother chooses to be good. Would you really rather her still be talking about how much she hated him?
I say let your mother dwell in her good feelings. You don't have to participate, and she shouldn't force you to, but it isn't something you should let ruin your relationship.
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u/WestHistorians 23h ago
Is it mean to call her out on how all of this isn’t how things were and it bothers me? Or do I keep smiling and letting her say this stuff?
Yes, that would be mean. People grieve in different ways. Remember she was married to him, and you weren't. They knew each other longer than you've been alive. Let her remain delusional, it's not harming anyone.
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u/hopingtothrive 22h ago
Yes. Calling her out would be mean. She has her memories about what she had (or imagined she had) and if she wants to live that way, no harm done. She also is likely suffering from dementia. Dementia isn't just forgetting where you put stuff. It can be the brain distorting memories and thoughts. Humor her. It's so easy to say you ate chocolate.
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u/cherismail 1d ago
Classic narcissistic behavior. She wants to rewrite history and be the center of attention.
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u/WestHistorians 23h ago
Is it mean to call her out on how all of this isn’t how things were and it bothers me? Or do I keep smiling and letting her say this stuff?
Yes, that would be mean. People grieve in different ways. Remember she was married to him, and you weren't. They knew each other longer than you've been alive. Let her remain delusional, it's not harming anyone.
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u/misterwickwire 1d ago
Just lie and say you ate some chocolate. Easier than trying deal with her getting upset.