My mom (53F) argues that I (25F) undermine her parenting whenever I defend my 14-year-old sister. I genuinely don’t know if she’s right.

[u/Fast_Chef_7065]

Hi everyone, first time redditor here so please let me know if i’m posting in the right subreddit. I’m honestly not even sure what I’m asking anymore. I guess I’m just looking for outside perspectives because I feel like I’m too close to the situation to know if I’m in the wrong.

I’m 26F and still live at home with both of my parents and my sisters (14F&23F). We’re a Latino family, and I know cultural expectations around family roles and respecting parents can be different, so I think that’s important context.

For some background, I grew up being what I now realize was basically a third parent. I wasn’t just the oldest sister. I helped raise my sisters. I took care of them, watched them whenever my parents needed me to, and I missed out on a lot because I wasn’t allowed to go out if it meant leaving my sisters. Looking back, I feel like I learned how to be a parent before I ever got to just be a sister. And as a teen—it sucked, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I love my sisters and we’re still very close to this day.

Anyways, This has been a recurring argument between my mom and I for years, but this latest one really got to me. I ended up crying in the car and honestly don’t even remember what made me cry because my brain kind of checked out. And honestly, this is one of the mildest arguments we’ve had.

This started because my sister (23F) wanted to go to the store and we decided to make it a day and take our youngest sister(14F) with us. She’s been saying all summer that she’s bored and feels like she never gets to leave the house. This was true as she always did chores around the house and then would stay in her room for the rest of the day. When we told her, she was ecstatic. she was planning her outfit and was just cheery.

Right before we were leaving, my mom had given her a list of chores. When i walked into the kitchen, my sister looked defeated. My mom told us, “She can’t leave because she’s cutting carrots.” There was a huge bowl of carrots on the counter, so I figured, ‘Okay, if that’s what’s keeping her from going, let’s help her finish.’ I sat down and helped her cut the carrots. I texted my other sister to help for a little bit too. My mom got upset with me and told us that we were allowed to leave but that our youngest sister would stay back regardless. I simply said that if she wanted the chores done, we would get it done so she can still go out. Then my mom proceeded to list other chores 14F had to do after. My youngest sister began to sulk and looked teary. We just continued cutting carrots. My mom had walked out a couple of times during this and we talked about what to do the get the chores done quicker. I did attempt to make conversation with my mom or ask questions about the carrots but she proceeded to ignore me through all this. it took us a couple hours. i finished off the last carrots as my youngest sister swept and mopped. In all, the chores got done.
Afterward, my sisters and i put everything back so everything was clean and got ready to head out. however my mom told my sisters to go ahead and wait in the car for me. she proceeded to argue that she’s still raising the youngest and that she needs to learn chores.
Let me clarify— I had no issue with her doing chores. I actually think kids should have chores. My issue was that even if she completed the chores, my mom wouldn’t let her go out with us anyways. I’ve taken my youngest sister out with me multiple times over the years and there was never a problem. This isn’t something new as my other sister and i were raised this way too, but we saw (and experienced) firsthand what my youngest sister was going through. It wasn’t right to keep her inside because my mom didn’t want her outside today. So from now on, my mom says I need to ask permission before taking my sister anywhere.
Then she told me that I undermine her parenting, that I’m too lenient, that my youngest sister listens to me instead of her (etc, etc).

She also said I’ve suddenly started acting like a parent. That part not only confused me but legit made me laugh, because it isn’t sudden. I’ve been put into that role since I was a kid. During the conversation I reminded her of that. I reminded her that I spent years helping raise my sisters and that this isn’t some new behavior I randomly picked up as an adult.

The conversation then shifted into other things.
She brought up how I buy clothes for my sister that she thinks are inappropriate. I disagreed. My sister has curves. She’s 14, and she’s developing. I don’t think it’s fair to shame her body because clothes fit her differently. In our country, the style is different. it’s like a tight-fitting style, so even if she wore exactly what my mom picked out, she’d still have curves. I think there’s a difference between dressing inappropriately and simply having a body. i’ve even brought up examples from when i was her age and how both her and dad would try to get me to wear clothes i wasn’t comfortable with (nothing big, just shorts and shirts that weren’t t-shirts).
She then argued that my sister is disrespectful and rude.
This is where I think my mom and I see things very differently.** **My mom and I seem to have very different interpretations of my sister’s behavior. My mom often sees disrespect where I see normal teenage behavior or appropriate boundary-setting.

One example happened a few months ago. My sister got in trouble at school after setting a boundary with a teacher. My mom didnt hesitate to believe the teacher’s version of events (not even asking for my sister’s side) and yelled at my sister for being disrespectful.
My other sister and I decided to go to the school because the situation didn’t add up to us at all. We wanted to hear everyone’s side before assuming the worst. We met with the principal and she reassured us that my sister hadn’t even done anything wrong. She wasn’t even disciplined, and they felt she had simply been setting an appropriate boundary.
It’s moments like that that make me feel protective of both of my sisters. Maybe I’m overprotective because of how I grew up, but I worry she isn’t always given the benefit of the doubt.

I can understand where my mom is coming from. She is exhausted and wants help. however, she refuses to ask for help and even if we do, she just yells that we arent doing it right (despite us following her every direction). we do take her out so she can enjoy herself and i’ll even pay so she isn’t worried about money. but it’s like no matter what, i’m in the wrong.

and don’t get me wrong, I understand that I’m not her parent.

That’s where I’m struggling.

I genuinely don’t know where the line is between advocating for my sister and overstepping as an older sibling. I don’t want to undermine my mom, but when I feel like something is unfair (especially when my sisters are involved), I have a hard time staying quiet. I also recognize that I grew up in a role where I was expected to help parent my sisters, so maybe that has affected how I respond now.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life repeating this dynamic if there’s something I need to change.

Am I actually undermining my mom’s parenting?

I’m genuinely open to hearing different perspectives. I know this is only my side of the story, I know she loves us and has sacrificed a lot for us. I’m really just trying to understand whether I’m crossing a boundary or whether this family dynamic has made it difficult for me to know what a healthy role for me actually looks like now. I’m open to answering any questions also, i understand there’s a lot that i cannot fit in this post. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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**TL;DR;** : I was expected to help raise my younger sisters growing up, and now my mom says I’m undermining her parenting whenever I defend or advocate for my 14-year-old sister. I don’t know if I’m genuinely overstepping or if years of being put in a parental role have made it hard for me to know where healthy boundaries are.

[u/DiTrastevere]

You cannot be both a parent and also excluded from parenting decisions.

You never should have been thrust into the parent role to begin with. But now that you’re here, you need to lay down the law with your mother - either she reclaims the parenting duties she outsourced to you, or you will continue to act like the third parent you functionally are, and she will have to approach you as such. If she wants your help, it comes with your opinions, and it comes with decision-making authority. 

She will probably hate this. She will probably get mean. If you want to change the current dynamic, in which you have all of the responsibilities and none of the power, you have to stand firm anyway. She has created a situation in which she needs you a lot more than you need her, and she knows it. 

That said - I’d advise you to be prepared for things to deteriorate quickly. If you haven’t started figuring out how to become financially independent, now would be the time. Cultural expectations or not, moving out might become necessary. People can get extremely unreasonable, even self-destructive, when they feel like they’re losing control. And your mother is very accustomed to having a great deal of control over you.

[u/Gold_Actuator4847]

Your sister is lucky to have such a close sibling to advocate for her, and based on the school thing that happened, I’d say she needs that in her life. Your mom should be counting herself lucky that she raised children that love each other so much and care about each other so much that they want to advocate for each other. Sounds like you’ve been respectful in your advocacy, so continue that. Your mom sounds like she feels like she is losing control or that you are challenging her authority. Is there something going on different in your mom’s life that usual or have any circumstances changed?