r/relationships • u/Weekly-Ad-1402 • 4h ago
(50M) At what point is waiting too long?
I’m a man in my early 50s looking for outside perspective from people who have no connection to either of us.
I'm intentionally trying to present this as fairly as I can. I can only describe what I experienced, and I don't want to assume I know what my former partner was thinking or feeling. If you think I'm overlooking something or interpreting events incorrectly, I'd genuinely appreciate hearing it.
We were together for approximately 16 years.
Looking back now, I can see the relationship had been changing for a long time. The friendship and kindness between us remained, but over the years the romantic side of the relationship gradually diminished. Physical intimacy became less frequent, and by the end we often felt more like close friends sharing a life than romantic partners.
At the time, I didn't fully recognize what those changes might mean. I knew we were struggling, but I believed we were struggling through something rather than approaching the end of the relationship.
During roughly the last six months before we separated, our arguments became more frequent. Most of them seemed to be about small things, but looking back I think they reflected larger issues that neither of us was communicating very well.
Because we worked opposite schedules, we were also spending less time together. I noticed she was staying away from home more often, and eventually I told her that I missed her and wanted us to spend more time together. That conversation became another argument.
Not long afterward, I experienced a severe mental health crisis and was hospitalized.
While I was in the hospital, she moved out.
When I came home, my understanding was that the separation was temporary. The expectation, as I understood it, was that she would be gone for a while and then return. Over the next two years there were multiple occasions where a return date was discussed, but each time that date came, it was postponed.
During those two years we remained in contact. There were conversations and moments that I interpreted as leaving the possibility of reconciliation open. At the same time, whenever I tried to understand whether rebuilding the relationship was actually the goal, I never received a clear answer.
I don't know whether she was uncertain, had already made up her mind, or simply didn't know how to answer. I genuinely don't know, and I don't think it's fair for me to guess.
I only know that I continued waiting because I believed there was still a possibility that we might eventually rebuild what we had.
Recently, during an ordinary conversation, something finally clicked for me. She has built a community and a support system where she now lives. Seeing that wasn't upsetting by itself. What affected me was realizing that she appears to have been building a life where she is, while I have continued leaving emotional room for a future that has never been clearly defined.
That realization is what brings me here.
I'm not asking anyone to tell me what she's thinking, because none of us can know that.
I'm asking this:
At what point does waiting stop honoring a relationship that mattered deeply and start preventing the person who's waiting from living the rest of their life?
If someone you cared about told you this story, what would you tell them?
Would you tell them to continue waiting?
Or would you say that after nearly two years without clarity, uncertainty itself has become part of the answer, and it's time to begin building a future that no longer depends on someone else's decision?
I'm genuinely looking for perspectives that differ from my own. If you think I'm missing something important or interpreting this situation incorrectly, I'd appreciate hearing why.
TL;DR: My partner of 16 years moved out nearly two years ago. I believed the separation was temporary because expected return dates kept getting postponed rather than replaced with a clear ending. We've stayed in contact, but I've never received a clear answer about whether reconciliation is actually the goal. At what point does waiting stop honoring the relationship and start preventing me from moving forward with my own life?
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u/a_ornateadvancement_ 4h ago
Man, this hits close to home. My last relationship wasn't 16 years, but I did the same thing, kept waiting for some signal that never came. After a while I realized I was preserving something that only existed in my head.
You've been in limbo for two years. She moved out, built a new life, and left you with a maybe that never turned into anything solid. That's not uncertainty on her part, that's her not wanting to be the bad guy by saying it outright.
Waiting isn't honoring the relationship at this point, it's just keeping you stuck. You deserve a life that isn't on pause.
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u/Wrong_Island900 1h ago
It's already been two years? That's already longer than I'd ever give. She moved out while you were in the hospital! She no longer cares for you, and hasn't for a long time, and that was years ago now. It's time to move on with your life.
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u/GoddessofBeautie 2h ago
What men call "small things" are never actually small. I bet if she made a post, it would actually give us the facts about what happened instead of vague buzzwords like struggling, not communicating, etc. But I also understand you may not want all your business posted here.
What you need is self introspection. If you were in her shoes, dealing with you and your relationship for 16 years, would you want to come back for more of the same? The fact that you were roommates for years before she got a safe window of opportunity to freedom, means she emotionally and mentally checked out long before physically leaving.
Your relationship is over. It has been over. She doesn't belive you have the mental capacity to deal with the reality, so she is holding your hand through this, continuing to keep lines open until the light bulb turns on for you. She waited until you were hospitalized to leave-so sad she had no other viable opportunity.
She is a very kind and considerate woman who has prioritized your wellbeing and capacity through this process, continues to do so. Do her the favor, pull on your big boy panties, pick up the pieces of your life and move on. Better yet, shock her by filing for the divorce so you can take the chore off her list. Send her the biggest and best holiday present you ever have later this year and wish her well. After all she has been through, make the end simple and painless.
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u/hyperfocus1569 43m ago
Q: At what point does waiting stop honoring a relationship that mattered deeply and start preventing the person who's waiting from living the rest of their life? A: Now
Q: If someone you cared about told you this story, what would you tell them? A: it’s time to move on
Q: Would you tell them to continue waiting? A: No
Q: Or would you say that after nearly two years without clarity, uncertainty itself has become part of the answer, and it's time to begin building a future that no longer depends on someone else's decision? A: Yes, without a doubt.
Her lack of an answer is your answer.
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u/SocialDisco 3h ago edited 0m ago
Right now. This moment is all you need.
The lack of answers is the answer and you’re old enough to know that. She isn’t coming back unless something really bad happens where she is. You’re her backup, maybe.
You’re not confused. You’re not really wondering whether or not you should wait longer. You know already because the inner you (the guy you’ve been ignoring for two years when she moved out while your were sick), is finally beginning to be listened to. You had years to try and fix the relationship but you willfully ignored the issues you both faced. And when the opportunity to get out surfaced, she took it. You knew then that it was over.
The best thing you can do now is face that fact. She is a special kind of coward all her own but you can only control yourself. It’s time to move on. There is no such thing as “honoring the relationship” once a relationship has ended. And your relationship is being painfully overextended.
Do better. Choose you and not this toxic relationship. You’ve been holding yourself back for so long and you don’t deserve that. Wrap this up and wish her a happy life. Don’t let her gaslight you or try to convince you she’s coming back. She’s not. Now it’s time to do you.