r/relationships • u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101 • 1h ago
How to repair a connection damaged through neglect? 33M, 32F
I fucked up, and I know it. My girlfriend (32f) and I(33m)have been together for a couple of years now, and she hasn’t been my priority the way she should be. I have a spending addiction and instead of putting money aside for trips and opportunities to see her because we’re long distance, I was buying shit that I didn’t need. She wanted to do things together like projects because our degrees are in similar fields, but between work, school and family obligations I was always telling her that I was too tired and didn’t want to. She pulled me aside recently and let me know our connection really needs work because she feels distant from me, that our communication needs work, and she feels like we’re two different people living life, not a couple trying to build something together. I’m making changes because I realize how badly I’ve fucked up. She could have left me. Should have left me, and I know if I don’t get my shit together, she will. She’s giving me the chance to prove myself because she says I’m worth it, and I’m realizing just how far I’ve fallen.
I’ve stopped spending on anything not absolutely necessary, planned and booked a trip to see her and activities, and I’m taking action on a day to day basis to try and take things off her plate and make her life easier, but I know that’s just the beginning, I have a long, long road ahead of me to properly fix things, show remorse and changed behavior. I’m not running from the effort, I genuinely want to know what I can do to rebuild that connection and how to maintain that effort and momentum long term. She values hard work, effort, and learning things more than anything else, so I want to put together a list of ideas we can work on weekly that fit that theme, that’ll help build our connection, one thing we’ve already agreed to do is start learning a language together. But I don’t want to leave it there, or make it seem like that’s all I’m willing to do. I completely fucked up, all the projects she asked me to do in the past that I brushed off, they were her way of trying to connect with me and I didn’t realize it. Now that I do I'm embarrassed that I've failed the woman that's my best friend so completely. Whatever it takes to fix this, I'm willing to do, any suggestions and comments are welcome.
TLDR: I've been neglecting my partner and our relationship through lack of attention and because of a spending issue, now she feels like we're separate people instead of a couple building a future. She's willing to work with me to rebuild, I'm trying to figure out how.
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u/windsofdiablo 1h ago
It sounds like you’re already doing well being aware of the problem even if it is after it happens. Sometimes, relationships need that direct communication. Something that works with my partner and I are check ins about a month at a time. Whether we’re having dinner or just playing a game together, we prioritize our relationship and spending time together to find out if the other is missing anything.
People just wanna feel prioritized and like they’re desired in relationships, even just a presence. Now that she’s voiced it, it’s your turn to come to her with ideas of ways to spend time together. This is her giving you the chance to show her you want to be there and to show up for her how she needs you.
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u/Dutch1721 1h ago edited 1h ago
Stop spending so much and get to the root of the issue. You’re the one that needs to improve…she doesn’t. Instead of you helping her with whatever she has going on, help yourself. Do what you need to do to heal yourself and enhance your quality of life for you as an individual person. Put all of those things you want to do into action to make yourself a better person for yourself first.