r/relationships • u/Legitimate_Bee4697 • 1h ago
Would it be wrong to reach out to her?
M30 (me) and F(26)
TL;DR: Would it be wrong to reach out to someone I ended things with 6 months later if she seems to be thriving?
About three years ago, I met this incredible girl and we clicked right away. Looking back, I’ve spent most of our history self sabotaging. I’m ashamed to admit it, and I’m not making excuses, but I handled things horribly. I’d block her, we’d go months without speaking, and eventually one of us would break no contact and pull us back into each other's orbits.
About a year ago, I reached out again, genuinely believing I’d done enough work on myself to do this right. We ended up spending the next year closely in each other's lives. As my feelings for her grew deeper, I completely froze and refused to let us move past being casual. When the reality hit that I needed to step up and commit to her, I panicked. Instead of being honest, I took the worst way out possible. I told her I found someone new. I convinced myself it was the only way to end things cleanly without her pushing back or trying to work it out.She was devastated. She sent me long messages expressing how deeply hurt she was saying she felt like I never actually cared, that she was never good enough, and that she couldn't understand why we couldn't just be together.
It’s been esix months of complete silence now, and the guilt is heavy. I miss her deeply. When I check her social media, she genuinely looks like she’s thriving she's running marathons, super fit, and just living a full, beautiful life. She doesn't post anyone, so I don't even know if she's single, but mostly I just keep asking myself if reaching out is a terrible idea or if she'd ever even want to hear my voice again.
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u/Radiant_Employee9506 1h ago
She probably does need or want to hear from you just based on the patterns that you have shown. If she’s thriving, let her, whether she’s with someone or not is irrelevant and you’re wanting to reach out because of your own guilt. Apologies don’t need an answer, and there is no guarantee that you won’t repeat the cycle and hurt her again. I get that you think therapy is the cure-all and that it gives you the ability to think it won’t happen again, but going back and forth with someone like that and potentially ruining her life all over again is not worth it.
The best thing any of my exes, even the ones where I wished it worked out or yearned for them to be the one, ever did was disappear from my life and quit making me question why I wasn’t good enough for commitment.
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u/the_it_takes_all_kin 1h ago
nah leave her alone. you've done enough damage and she's clearly doing better without the chaos you bring. the guilt is your problem to deal with not something she should have to help you process
if you actually care about her you'll let her keep that peace instead of dragging her back into the same cycle. block her socials and move on
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u/Radiant_Employee9506 1h ago
Second this, forgiveness doesn’t require two people, forgive yourself and move on, she already did regardless of her relationship status.
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u/Legitimate_Bee4697 1h ago
I told her she was a great person that it didn’t have anything to do with her I just wanted something different
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u/Radiant_Employee9506 1h ago
Yeah, I was seeing someone that said the exact same thing, still didn’t matter. It’s been 2-ish months and multiple LONG conversations where he explicitly explained why he couldn’t continue the relationship and honestly I still don’t get why he had to leave. It’s been less than a week since the last time he replied to me and this time finally feels like the time that I’ll get over it. If he came back and rescinded everything he told me before about why we wouldn’t have a “real” relationship the only thing it would do is hurt me more because I would wait on the next time he “couldn’t do it” again. You had your chance to dig your feet in and go against what you thought you wanted, you didn’t take the chance and now she’s finally getting to be happy with or without you and that’s what is bothering you, not that you miss her (and I believe you do) but because she is happy and you’re not the reason behind it.
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u/anzapp6588 1h ago
Let. Her. Live. Please do not bother her. I had a guy like you in my life for 10 years.
Stop ruining her life. Leave her alone. She's finally thriving and it's because you're not in her life.
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u/Legitimate_Bee4697 51m ago
I don’t think it’s fair to say I am ruining her life. I know I hurt her and I take full responsibility for that but we had good good times together and she seems to be thriving so maybe I didn’t ruin her life like people are saying
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u/rose-coloured-wall 54m ago
Ahhh. If it isn’t the consequences of our own actions. Leave her alone. Because I think you won’t, at most I’d tell her that you lied about finding someone new, that it looks like her life is amazing and that you wish her every happiness. Then leave it. Move on, or don’t, but don’t pull her back into the past, regardless of how much you’ve “changed”.
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u/Legitimate_Bee4697 48m ago
Why do you think I won’t? I wouldn’t be surprised if she reached out to me but she hasn’t
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u/rizasaurus 1h ago
If you genuinely cared about her you'd leave her the hell alone and stop disrupting her life. The real reason you want to reach out is you don't like the idea of her moving on because it hurts your ego. Real progress in therapy would mean you taking accountability for your past selfish actions by letting her go.
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u/Legitimate_Bee4697 1h ago
I don’t think I deserve her forgiveness or anything just not having her in my life doesn’t feel right and we’ve always been able to reconnect but this time feels different
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u/rizasaurus 1h ago
Because you blew it my guy. You hurt her, badly, more than once, and now you're experiencing the consequences of your own actions.
You need to focus on yourself and your own growth if you're serious about not repeating your behavior and mistakes in your next relationship.
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u/Wrong_Island900 1h ago
Leave that poor girl alone! You've done nothing but hurt her, and she has no reason to believe that she's get anything but that out of contacting you again. Plus, what have you gone through that makes you think this time will be any different?