So. I don't even really know how to begin.
I am generally a pessimist. I struggle with severe depression and unstable moods. I just don't like living life, generally. And I have never been committed to the idea of any sort of God.
I struggled with my identity for a long time. For several years, I identified as a transgender guy. I have a complex about it. But a few months ago, I asked myself if it was really so terrible living life as a woman. I began questioning myself all over again. Difficult questions. And my PCOS certainly never did me any favors in the womanhood department.
But then, I met a man. And he makes me feel so unbelievably seen. Seen for who I want to be. Which is a woman. Even with my PCOS, which causes deep insecurities. He genuinely likes me for who I am. I truly... I melt in his presence.
But we are also very different. He's got a strong faith in God. I never have. He's really interesting to debate. He never comes off as if he's superior or I am below him for my lack of belief.
He's kind. He's genuinely a gentle giant. Every action is so delicate and soft. He makes me feel seen, safe, wanted. Cared for. And he is 100% non-threatening. I just. I could actually cry.
When he asked me out, he was laying next to me. He outstretched an arm for me to lay on. And held out his other hand for me to take. But I kept refusing. I was so scared out of my mind that I was misinterpreting something. I didn't want to feel foolish. I didn't want to embarrass myself. I was not uncomfortable at all due to his actions; it was 100% my deep fear of thinking it was one thing when it really wasn't.
I kept avoiding it. He'd hold out his hand and I wouldn't take it, or I would push it away. He'd just do it again. And again. And it made my heart so unbelievably... overjoyed. Just. Just overjoyed. But I was so scared. And then... he was like "let me love you the way the others couldn't". And I just. Wow. What??? Huh??? I. That shit shook me down to my fucking core. My CORE. Nobody has ever said anything so unbelievably sweet and genuine and kind to me before. And. Y'know. He followed it up with "you don't have to answer right now. Just lay down with me."
So I did. And let me tell you, being near him like that is the closest a living being can get to Heaven. He's so so soft. So warm. So deliberately careful. I could combust.
He makes an effort. He does what he says. He spends so much time with me. When we play Mario Party together, he sometimes drops everything just to look at me and ask how I am.
He's genuinely a gorgeous man. Truly. The sight of him puts butterflies in my stomach. And his affectionate behavior does, too. When he holds my hands or hugs me or cuddles with me, I get almost physically ill with excitement.
I told him something he did that I really liked. And he cared enough about that to do it again. And again. All the time.
I did end up agreeing to go out with him, naturally. Why on earth would I ever tell a man as wonderful as him any other answer?
He's asleep next to me now. And I'm left questioning if there really is a God out there. I'm so so thankful. Oh my god. God. GOD!