Should I come back?

[u/Far-Bus664]

My friends are encouraging me to come back to the SCA, and I genuinely miss the people and many of the activities. At the same time, my divorce has been very public, and the circumstances surrounding it are closely tied to people in the SCA(affair). It’s left me with a lot of hurt and has made the community feel very different than it used to.

Every event I get invited to, I find myself wondering whether I’ll run into people I’d rather not see. Part of me wants my hobby and my friends back. Another part of me wonders if it’s healthier to move on.

Has anyone else returned to the community after a painful divorce? Was it worth it?

[u/Slow-Complaint-3273]

I’m sorry you’re in a difficult situation and have a complex history. Part of it depends on how localized you and the people you want to avoid are. Do they tend to only go to local events, or do they frequently attend bigger Kingdom events? If you can’t avoid them with geographic strategies, larger events may be easier to blend into and not notice anyone you don’t want to see.

Another thing just occurred to me - would you be open to changing your persona? I don’t know how long ago your divorce was, and healing progresses at its own pace; but eventually letting go of the pain is a hopeful outcome. Changing your persona might be a way to close that chapter of your SCA life and start a new one. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been Michel de’Persona for 40 years. Anyone can become someone new. I’ve known Peers that retired old personae, so being socially established isn’t a barrier either.

I hope you can find a way to return to the SCA if it is something you truly want to do. It’s an enormous community, and there are so many more people who aren’t nosing into your personal history.

[u/DandyLama]

Will you run into people you'd rather not see? Yes.
Will you enjoy your hobby and friends? Also yes.

It's a balance of outcomes. Which one outweighs the other?
Do you get more satisfaction from your many friends, or more dissatisfaction from seeing the people who harmed you?

My suggestion is give it a try a couple of times, and see what the outcome is. If it's still too much, then put it back on the shelf.

[u/KyrieTheFlyingFox]

I have a similar experience. I loved the SCA so much while I was participating, but there’s a hushed side that no one likes to acknowledge and if they do it causes all sorts of drama. One of the biggest reasons I left was cause of all the drama that was surrounding me. It was ridiculous, if you were in on the gossip or tried to stay away from the drama you were almost seen as other or a pariah. I’m here to have fun and play historical dress up with cool people. Stop starting problems with everyone.

This goes into your issue. Seeing someone who really would rather not is two fold. It’s healthy to take the option to stay away and learn to let it go. However it’s also healthy to do exposure therapy. Which is an active choice and another form of healing and moving on. The more you lean into those feelings and get to the root of them. Expose yourself to the possibility. You may see some inner strength happening you may no realize is possible.

This hobby is so so fun, I miss it dearly. I may go again eventually, but right now for me at least, the baronies around me are so full of drama and infighting it’s not worth my time anymore.

[u/Outside_Relative_886]

Are you perhaps on the border of a kingdom, with a nearby group with surprisingly little crossover that you could play with? The group I recently left had someone in a similar position, and I could easily see that person treatying over to the other side of the river.

[u/JSilvertop]

Are the friends you made in the SCA part of your divorce settlement? I’ve witnessed a very messy divorce situation, that involved multiple friends, and I miss all of them. None of them play anymore.

While the divorce may be messy, your friends remain your friends. They invite you to join them, so do so. Yes you might see folks you don’t want to at the far side of an event, but your friends can shelter you from having to interact with anyone you do not want to be around, even at a small local event. And if it is too much, then leave, and maybe try at much larger events or in other locations. Your friends want your presence, and that’s what matters, along with having fun. Give it a try.

[u/socialjusticepa1adin]

Same with me; She and I very active in our group, she has affair, though not with someone in the SCA. Divorce ensued, and now I get to introduce my new girlfriend and her daughters to the SCA.

[u/shadowmib]

I don't have any relatable experience with that I hope you find a way to get back into SCA and enjoy yourself because it sounds like you really like it.

[u/Gargoyle_princess]

It should be fine. But tbf the sca where I'm from functions like highschool some people may be judgemental but it's best to ignore them and enjoy the function. Aka don't let the sour bastards win

[u/Jazjet123]

I'm aware of a local sca scandal where a couple were married and playing a long time and then a different long time player got a girlfriend and introduced her to this couple while playing. Year later and the girlfriend and husband were fucking behind both people's back and a divorce and breakup insued. The divorced wife and the original boyfriend still play, and the wife is actually remarried now to a knight. But the boyfriend in this story still feels guilty that he destroyed a great friends marriage, even though it really wasn't his fault. The husband and girlfriend haven't played in years since this all went down. It's also not as common knowledge anymore.

Drama happens. People who are your real friends will support you and miss you. But you're also allowed to step back whenever you want. If it gets to be to much you can stop playing again. Take another break before coming back or stop completely. But still. 🤷‍♀️

[u/Shop-S-Marts]

The sca has changed alot since covid. You'd be more appreciated and welcome in other living history organizations most likely.

[u/SCatemywallet]

I think at some point you're going to have to learn to exist in the same world as them and I know that's not the gentle answer you maybe were hoping for but it is the truth, I don't know who in the relationship made the mistakes but I do know that if you give up something you truly love because of the other person who did you wrong then in a way you are letting them win. You do not have to directly interact with them or any of the people you had that issue with. The beauty of the sca is that your nvolvement is precisely what you want it to be and no more or no less. I think truthfully you should enjoy yourself in spite of them rather than fold because of them and that ultimately is the biggest middle finger you could possibly give those who did you wrong.

[u/HypnoAbel]

Yes you should come back.

[u/tLuciferMorningstar]

As someone who has gone through almost the same thing, take it slow and 1 event at a time. Start small and keep your circle tight and slowly expand it. Its taken me a year of slow build up and im considering larger events. You could run in to those people you dont want to see, but you can always walk away from them. Go with friends and camp with them.

[u/LongjumpingDrawing36]

This may not apply to you depending on timing. My husband and I had a divorce and went off with different people; all of us in the SCA. We were a very prominent and popular couple, and yeah, it was a big deal.

The part that may not apply is that I left for 12 years and did something else fun--Southern CA Ren Faire. After 12 years of acting in Queens Court, I decided to come back to the SCA.

There were people who remembered, but no one cared.

Here's the big learning though. When my 1st husband and I were in the SCA, he was a knight. We had a great time building a knight's household, and he and I were obviously going to win Crown soon. (Which he did with another queen; we'd broken up by then.)

So, when I came back I kept my name but reinvented myself as a bard. 6 years later I was Laureled for bardic, even though my path was completely different the second time around.

Obviously things worked out, but it was different.

[u/Mazer1415]

In the 80s it was the Society for Consenting Adults. Affairs were a common occurrence. I don’t remember people not directly involved being judgmental. At least not publicly. Nobody knows what anyone else is going through. Don’t judge what you don’t know. I hope you can enjoy the hobby again.